I
InCrisis
Guest
Sheeniac,
I read you post right after posting my own. Although our situations aren’t identical, they’re pretty similar. I also have 3 kids (I’m actually pregnant with #4). Depending on how you define physical abuse, my husband has not been physical with the kids (meaning, he has not hurt them as yours seems to have hurt yours, but he does kick at them, pull their hair, etc. Not necessarily out of anger, just because that’s how kids were disciplined in his extended family growing up), but he has been verbally abusive towards them and me, and has been physical with me. I don’t know if you work or not, but I have been a stay-at-home mom for 7 years, since I was pregnant with #1, and since I got married a few years after college, I never really had any work history. This makes the idea of a long-term separation or divorce TERRIFYING. I’m not even sure how I’m going to feed my babies!!! Like you, I have no family or friends nearby - my husband’s work history has been so erratic that we have never lived in one state for more than 2 years. I am currently almost 1,000 miles away from my closest family member and 5 hours from my closest friend - who incidently, though she may have good intentions, like most of my friends, she is totally unprepared and unable to offer any substantial help in my decision to leave, just a lot of moral support, which I’m not downing - it’s gotten me through a lot - but it’s just not the same. My kids, though they are sometimes very nervous around my husband (walking on eggshells, so to speak) are also SUPER close to him. I couldn’t imagine ripping them away from him.
However, I did decide to separate. I don’t yet know what that means for the long-term. My fear is that I will get used to being on my own and like the fact that I always feel secure in my home, etc. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but I worry that that will be the inevitable end. However, I’m just starting to realize that, for the most part, the future of our marriage is no longer in my hands. Of course, in a cosmic sense, only God knows what is in store for us, but in concrete terms, I, like you, have been trying to do my part. Some people imagine that in abusive situations, there is clearly an abuser and a victim. That’s true in some ways, but it is also true (in my case anyway) that I had some bad habits that aggravated the situation that I need to recognize and (at least begin to) overcome. I’ve been working on that and I’ve made a lot of progress, however, the situation has not gotten better, only worse. At the end of the day, only HE can decide if he wants to change, then once he’s made that decision, he has to actually follow through with it, take responsibility, make amends, do everything in his power to show that the kids and I have nothing more to fear, ever. I’ve learned it’s easy for him to say he wants to change. It’s a lot harder for him to actually make it a priority and keep working on it when he doesn’t get any instant gratification. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I’m trying to figure out how long I wait out for it…?
In any case, I am really only writing to you to let you know you are not alone. It’s scary, lonely, depressing, you name it. I’m not on the other side yet, so I can’t tell you from experience that it gets better - I hope it does. But what I do know is that I do not want my children growing up seeing their dad hit their mom in the face or scream at them for no apparent reason. I don’t want my grandchildren to grow up in this kind of athmosphere because I was to scared to do something to prevent it when I had the chance. Think about why you are not leaving and ask yourself whether they are good reasons. What I found when I did this is that all my reasons had to do with fear of what the short-term consequences would be if I left (how would I make ends meet, would I be dooming our marriage to divorce, would my kids hate me or fall into a depression, etc). They were all good reasons (well, most of them were), but they weren’t more important than the one reason I had to leave: to provide a peaceful and healthy environment for my precious babies to grow up, to give them a chance at a healthy relationship when they grow up, and to give them a mom with self-respect and dignity. I think I made the right decision. I’m sure with prayer and much consideration, you will too.
I read you post right after posting my own. Although our situations aren’t identical, they’re pretty similar. I also have 3 kids (I’m actually pregnant with #4). Depending on how you define physical abuse, my husband has not been physical with the kids (meaning, he has not hurt them as yours seems to have hurt yours, but he does kick at them, pull their hair, etc. Not necessarily out of anger, just because that’s how kids were disciplined in his extended family growing up), but he has been verbally abusive towards them and me, and has been physical with me. I don’t know if you work or not, but I have been a stay-at-home mom for 7 years, since I was pregnant with #1, and since I got married a few years after college, I never really had any work history. This makes the idea of a long-term separation or divorce TERRIFYING. I’m not even sure how I’m going to feed my babies!!! Like you, I have no family or friends nearby - my husband’s work history has been so erratic that we have never lived in one state for more than 2 years. I am currently almost 1,000 miles away from my closest family member and 5 hours from my closest friend - who incidently, though she may have good intentions, like most of my friends, she is totally unprepared and unable to offer any substantial help in my decision to leave, just a lot of moral support, which I’m not downing - it’s gotten me through a lot - but it’s just not the same. My kids, though they are sometimes very nervous around my husband (walking on eggshells, so to speak) are also SUPER close to him. I couldn’t imagine ripping them away from him.
However, I did decide to separate. I don’t yet know what that means for the long-term. My fear is that I will get used to being on my own and like the fact that I always feel secure in my home, etc. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but I worry that that will be the inevitable end. However, I’m just starting to realize that, for the most part, the future of our marriage is no longer in my hands. Of course, in a cosmic sense, only God knows what is in store for us, but in concrete terms, I, like you, have been trying to do my part. Some people imagine that in abusive situations, there is clearly an abuser and a victim. That’s true in some ways, but it is also true (in my case anyway) that I had some bad habits that aggravated the situation that I need to recognize and (at least begin to) overcome. I’ve been working on that and I’ve made a lot of progress, however, the situation has not gotten better, only worse. At the end of the day, only HE can decide if he wants to change, then once he’s made that decision, he has to actually follow through with it, take responsibility, make amends, do everything in his power to show that the kids and I have nothing more to fear, ever. I’ve learned it’s easy for him to say he wants to change. It’s a lot harder for him to actually make it a priority and keep working on it when he doesn’t get any instant gratification. I don’t know if that will ever happen. I’m trying to figure out how long I wait out for it…?
In any case, I am really only writing to you to let you know you are not alone. It’s scary, lonely, depressing, you name it. I’m not on the other side yet, so I can’t tell you from experience that it gets better - I hope it does. But what I do know is that I do not want my children growing up seeing their dad hit their mom in the face or scream at them for no apparent reason. I don’t want my grandchildren to grow up in this kind of athmosphere because I was to scared to do something to prevent it when I had the chance. Think about why you are not leaving and ask yourself whether they are good reasons. What I found when I did this is that all my reasons had to do with fear of what the short-term consequences would be if I left (how would I make ends meet, would I be dooming our marriage to divorce, would my kids hate me or fall into a depression, etc). They were all good reasons (well, most of them were), but they weren’t more important than the one reason I had to leave: to provide a peaceful and healthy environment for my precious babies to grow up, to give them a chance at a healthy relationship when they grow up, and to give them a mom with self-respect and dignity. I think I made the right decision. I’m sure with prayer and much consideration, you will too.