Negativity, tones of voice, the end of my rope

[GhostMan]

No one here has slammed down on a poster with a holier-than-thou attitude, and I don’t know any of the posters here who would see any joy or “fun” in doing so.

We’ll have to agree to disagree on this. That’s part of the problem with internet, written only communication. What I read is perhaps different than what you write, but, for instance, I find your attitude to be some of most visceral here in this thread. Maybe you don’t mean it that way, but that’s the way I read it.

shrug

 

[Sheeniac]

It is clear through your posts that you want to make this work at just about any cost.

I re-read your OP to see if perhaps I had misread or misunderstood. After all, you titled your thread “the end of my rope”.

That indicated to me you’ve already tried a number of things to change the situation and to get him to change-- but perhaps that is not the case. You also indicated you were concerned about its effect on your hard-won changes in your own life, your depression, etc. ’

So, yes, my feedback reflected those elements of your original post.

At no time did I say “dump him.” Rather I said that it might be time to **consider **he’s not for you. “Consider” and “kick him to the curb” are two very different things.

What type of advice, specifically, are you looking for in this thread?

This is true. My title was a bit inflammatory/overly dramatic, in hindsight. I think the poster who said to stop acting like his Mother and making excuses for him kinda ticked me off. My apologies to you for lumping you in with her.

The advice I was looking for … strategies to work out differences … not at any cost though. I’m a much more introspective person than he is, although we’re both analytical.

We all have a choice when it comes to our words. Whether we all recognize that is another story. He’s starting to understand that - it’s just not the way he thinks. Heck - most people blurt things out without carefully choosing their words. And we fall into conversational and/or verbal habits that we may not be aware of, and wouldn’t want to do if we realized that those habits truly bother others.

It’s basic Human Psychology for situations to be altered when one of the actors changes their responses to the other person. I was looking for people who had done this in their own lives. Doesn’t need to be the same problem, and yes, the attempts could have failed.

I think I may just take this up with my therapist. (And she’s Catholic, which is comforting.)

 

[1ke]

The advice I was looking for … strategies to work out differences … not at any cost though. I’m a much more introspective person than he is, although we’re both analytical.

In that vein, yes, I do have some suggestions:

Regarding recognizing different ways of communicating and interacting, I can recommend that you two find someone to administer the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). Sometimes a diocese will have staff certified in MBTI or your therapist can probably recommend someone. That, along with reading the book Please Understand Me by Kiersy and Bates will help you dialog about your differences.

Regarding his negavity/communication style specifically-- I recommend looking in the area of Emotional Intelligence, also called Emotional Quotient (EQ). For example, Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman & Putting Emotional Intelligence To Work by Jeff Feldman.

Also the books Attitude Is Everything or Negaholics: How To Overcome Negativity might be a good read for **him **(I haven’t read thes books personally but they are well-known).

In the area of communication, I can recommend the book Crucial Conversations. It’s an excellent book that might be a good read for you. Also, Dealing With Difficult People by Dr. Rick Brinkman may give you some insight into how **you **can handle/manage/react to his negativity.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I have been involved with a wonderful Catholic man for almost 2 years. We’re both working on our annulments and have plans for the future. We’re in our early 40s and the good Lord knows that we both have our share of faults.

But now, I am experiencing difficulties in handling our relationship. He’s got tons of great qualities, but 2 things are wearing on me. One is that he has a very negative outlook. He sees the worst in everyone and every situation. The ironic part is that I used to be just like that. But, I was diagnosed with clinical depression (related in great part to a blood deficiency) and take an anti-depressant and went through some intensive CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I learned that how I thought influenced how I felt. Needless to say, my outlook is very different. I now consider myself an optimistic realist.

I find his cynicism very trying. In addition - I worry about slipping into unhealthy thought patterns.

The other issue is that his tone of voice is very strong - if he is irritated or annoyed, he gets a nastiness in his voice. If questioned, his tone gets arrogant. Now, if it were just me reacting this way, then I would think I was being foolish. But, his family reacts to him in the same way, as well as his co-workers. Needless to say, I react … well… I over-react. I usually become quite b____y / rude.

And once again, this is ironic. I used to have the same issue with tones of voice. My own mother used to tell me I was difficult to be around - this when I was an adult, not a teenager.

It took a lot of work to change. What greatly helped, I believe, was becoming a believer after being an atheist for over 2 decades. With God’s grace and a new way of looking at myself and the world, change actually happened.

No - I am in no way perfect. But I do try to become more of a loving person as time goes by. So in a way, I get mad at myself for not handling this situation better. Which of course, causes my fuse to get all the shorter.

Objectively speaking, I believe my SO and I are overall well suited to be together, and will have a good sacramental marriage (the annulment tribunals willing). And I know everyone has problems.

So my question is… how can I handle this? I know I must learn to cope better.

I also know that when one person changes how they act, the dynamics of a relationship changes. Is it reasonable to try to create change in that manner as well?

By the time we’re in our 40’s, it can be very hard to change and none of us are perfect. I’m not saying that if he were to change his tone and outlook that he would be perfect, but that I am able to deal with other quirks more effectively. What can I say that might influence him to want to change? I’ve tried honestly communicating with ‘I’ words, etc. If there was something about me that drives him crazy… LOL…“IF”. I know of a few things, and I do put forth effort into at least softening some of my sharp edges that cut into his peace of mind. It’s not easy.

I welcome all feedback on this. Our relationship, my peace of mind, and his happiness are very important to me, and solid Catholic advice seems to be the most promising avenue.

Thanks to all who reply.

All I can say is that cynicism can be draining and dangerous to those around the cynic as well as the cynic himself.

And people can barely change their own behavior; no one can change another’s. But it could be at this time that this man is your particular ‘cross’ to bear.