New Member Needs Help

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CinciMom

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I hope that this is not too long.

I come from a “blended family” of over 20 years. Her kids are all older and rather successful (CEO, Dr., Lawyer and PhD Psychologist). All this time I always looked up to them as role models, but more for acceptance that I am a part of this family. Their mother (my step-mom) accepted my younger sister and I as “her daughters” since my late father and she said “I Do”.

Dad is now gone. My younger sister and I have helped take care of her and spend quite a bit of time with her-- more so than her own children and two of them live here locally! Whenever she goes out of town, Andrea and I ALWAYS chip in to watch her 3 dogs. Whenever she has a problem with the house, our husbands are there to lend a hand to her.

I guess what has me all bent up is her children. I guess I now feel that since Dad is gone, that they do not want to have anything to do with my sister or I, as well as our respective families. I guess I look at it is that our step mother always said she has 6 children, and therefore thought we were all a family, so to speak. Now that Dad is gone, I feel that they just want us to go away–FINALLY, therefore having the feeling of being orphaned.

I am feeling so rejected. I am ready to tell them off and burn the bridge. I am feeling so much hurt and hate right now I can just scream!!

Thank you all for letting me vent.
 
I pray that God will touch the hearts of your step-siblings. Saint Joseph raised a son that was not his own, but loved and protected him just like he was his own. Saint Joseph has been under-rated lately, but is a powerful saint. I would ask him to pray for your family.

Deacon Tony
 
Deacon,

Can you also pray to St. Joseph to sell our home??? We prayed the novena and buried him in our yard. It has been 2 months. Another topic I guess.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I forgot to mention that this side of the family is not Catholic (except for one step brother in law) and rejects religion as if it were the plague.

Thank you again!

God Bless
 
My Dear Friend, I have a poem for you!!
The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta:
P**eople are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. **Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

I**f you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. **Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

My Friend,
I too have received rejectiion to a certain degree from my sister and my mother. Yup it hurts at first but when you realise that the beautiful Christian example you are setting by your constant care and attention for your Step Mom and how happy it makes Heaven, then it should urge you onwards.

Leave all the neagtive with them. By the sounds of it they are unhappy enough. Leave them in their unhappiness. Do not let their torment or jealousy eat you up as that would be the most detrimental thing that could happen.

Keep peace in your heart even in the most difficult moments and then they will begin to see that your faith really is living and true. God expects this of you.

Have great recourse to prayer asking Jesus to change their hearts as He is the only one who can do that. After all he made their hearts too.

Do not under any circumstances give into anger. It will only help them to point the finger and give them a reason to exclude you even further.

Christ is watching you my friend. Yo are experiencing what He promised and he is reminding you** “Even if the entire world hates you, remember that it hated me first.”**

Peace and joy be with you. You are very close to Christ.
 
Dear Cincimom,

Think about all the good times your stepmom brought to you, your sister, and your dad. Worry about pleasing her and let your step siblings grumble. Our Lord did not say all would be easy. But it sounds like you are still trying. KEEP up the good work nieghbor.
achief
 
CinciMom,

Ours is a “blended” family too (the phrase is new to me though) - three groupings here: my adult children, 28, 25, and 22; my stepchildren (feels strange to call them that, I almost never use the word) 10 and 12; and our two little ones, 4 and 1.5.

My great fear was the kind of thing you describe. My joy is the love that the three oldest have for (and which is reciprocated by) the two in the middle and the incredible love and devotion that all 5 of the “big kids” have for the “babies” - whose biggest worry is who gets which lap next.

Our 4 year old is quick to rattle off the names of his entire collection of step- and half-sibs whenever asked who is his best friend - sometimes his baby sister even gets included 😃 - and he’s right, they are. The 3 oldest are away from home, but not a day goes by w/o at least one of them calling to check on the others and chit-chat with whomever is available.

I think Chief gave the best advice you could get. Continue to love and care for your stepmom. I’m sure she appreciates it more than you could know.

My prayers for you and your family, that your siblings realize what they are missing.

Many years,

Neil
 
Thank you all for the advice. I am trying, but I still get very depressed thinking about it. This time they are planning a family get away with our step mother. We were not included. Actually we were not supposed to know about it and found out by accident. I guess that is what bothers me most. Couldn’t they just be grown adults and tell us rather than hiding this stuff? I mean we are supposedly talking about “educated people” in the age range of 47 to 40 here. What example does this set for their children? And our mother to go along with this too is what hurts. I have a lot of anger right now. My sister’s husband and my husband think we should just let it ride. They have not been in a situation like my sister and I have. We lost our dear mother at a young age ( I was 13 my sister was 10) and our father met this wonderful woman about 2 years later (she is not Catholic, but a widow as well). Since then, I have struggled in every way to be accepted by them.

Also, guess who will be asked to take care of our mother’s 3 dogs while she is gone? My sister and I. I know the good Christian way is to grin and bear it. Please pray for us!

Sorry if it does not make sense, but I am in a rush.
 
I can’t know your situation, but consider that the problem may be not how your “professional” siblings feel about you, but a) how poorly they have managed to cope with the loss of their parent and the re-marriage of their surviving parent (being older doesn’t mean coping better) and b) what priority they place on their extended family in general. What you describe is not just a simple case of adult children “circling the wagons” and trying to get “their” mom back. To the contrary, except when it is convenient to them, they’re leaving her to you!

You may be angry about a message of rejection that they didn’t intend to send. Their “secret” trip may have been a lame attempt to keep you from having to spend money on a trip they thought you might not be able to afford. Okay, it is more likely that they may have some desire to pretend for awhile that they were never orphaned themselves. I know, it doesn’t help much to imagine that they are just self-centered rather than rejecting you outright, but in my experience, most sins people commit are more thoughtless and self-centered than outright cruel.

Intended or not, they’ve really hurt you. Blow off some steam to a third party with some counselling experience. They might help you get a feel for how you are going to handle the range of likely responses your siblings might give you when you talk to them, how you can disentangle yourself from their treatment of you (and your parents), and how you can calm yourself and not sell these older siblings the right to keep you from enjoying the blessing of the families you have in your own house. Then go to one of them (the psychologist seems a likely choice) and tell them your fears and frustrations. Try to aim for the attitude that your siblings may never have intended to hurt you, until told otherwise. Then go from there. I hope they learn to see the light. If not, you still have your mom to look up to. They put her in a bad spot, and it sounds as if she may well be hungry for their affection, too, so try not to blame this too much on her. For all she’s done for you, forgive her this much. That you treat her better than they do has to break her heart a bit, too.
 
Thank you BLB. You are right. They are pretty much self centered. The one who is the CEO lives about 30 minutes away and calls about once a quarter. He has 4 children ranging from 18 to 3 and my mother almost never sees them except on special occasions. That I do find rather sad too. They grand children are missing out on an awesome grandmother if she was given the chance.

The second oldest (former lawyer) does live about 10 minutes away and does call her at least once a week and they have lunch. I am grateful she will do that. She does not have children.

The third oldest is a doctor (as well as her husband) down in Miami. She and her husband do not have children. They have time to go on far away vacations but throws a fit when ever my mom asks her to come up and visit. She complained about coming up for my father’s funeral! She also calls at her own convenience.

Mom’s “Baby” and favorite is the psychologist (Phd). She is also in Miami and married to the brother of the mentioned above sibling. She has two “perfect” children. She is the one I felt most hurt by. Her husband is the godfather of my daughter as well. She has mentioned not coming back up here for the holidays and visits because there were “too many shadows lurking” on her last visit here. She also calls mom at her convenience too.

My sister lives next door to mom. My sister helps her a lot. I live about 5 minutes away, but will be moving in two weeks which I will be living more like 25 minutes away. I still call her at least once a week to say “hi” or she will call if she needs anything.

Mom has felt hurt by her children’s actions and has expressed them lately which I think it is about time, but maybe too late as they are pretty much set in their ways.
 
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CinciMom:
Thank you BLB. You are right. They are pretty much self centered. …Mom has felt hurt by her children’s actions and has expressed them lately which I think it is about time, but maybe too late as they are pretty much set in their ways.
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Keep them in your prayers, and offer your suffering up for them, if you can see yourself to do it. There is no place more lonely or filled with despair than a universe with one’s own self as its center. In fact, I’d go so far as to call it a working definition of hell.
 
I had a talk with my mom this evening about the situation. I expressed some of my concerns and feelings. She pointed out that she is currently in a “no win” situation and that I need to take up issues with her children.

I will be seeing my therapist this weekend to talk about this conversation and how do I handle the situation (whether to take things up with her children or not) so please pray for me. This family is the main reason that I have been in and out of therapy in the past 20+ years.

Thank you all and God Bless.
 
Another thing to consider - Perhaps the older children are jealous of their mom’s attention to you and this is their attempt to “hold on” to their relationship with her.

I was going to say have a monthly dinner party for everyone, but that doesn’t seem apparent with siblings in FL (perhaps you should have it there - it’s cold in OH!). Instead, try mending relationships one at a time, one on one. Invite them and their family to dinner - without mom, pick up the phone and call them once a week (don’t talk about mom, but other things important in their lives). Perhaps just everyone needs to be reaquainted without the strings to dear mom. It will be difficult at first and you may even have to swallow some pride now and then. But with prayer, communication will become easier and the family will grow stronger.
 
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