New teenager and "the talk"

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My oldest son will be 13 in October, is entering the 7th grade, and just had his first boy/girl party last night. I feel it is time for “the talk” before secular culture gets to him and convinces him that premarital sex, masturbation, living together before marriage, contraception, etc. are all the norm. He is my oldest so these are uncharted territories for us. I thought about taking him out for dinner and starting the discussion. Maybe giving him an age appropriate book that we could read together and discuss chapter by chapter? I would love my husband to discuss these things with my son, but communication is a challenge for him, and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t go well. My husband has always followed the “rules” of chastity but does not really have a good understanding of the “why” to present to our son. He would certainly reinforce these ideas though. My oldest daughter is also 11, entering the 5th grade, and developing rapidly. Most people think she is older than our son since she is taller. I suspect she will start her cycles soon. So she may need this discussion soon as well!! Any advice from parents who have been through this that has yielded successful results? Age appropriate book recommendations? Should there be big differences when talking to boy vs girl? I would love some advice. I know it might be awkward, but I feel if he doesn’t hear it from me soon, no one else will tell him any different. I honestly thought masturbation and pornography use among males especially were normal behaviors for the first part of my life - no one told me any different and culture sure presents it as “everyone does it”!
 
One of the joys of parenting for me included the opportunity to be a part of this time in our children’s lives, I hope you will feel the same in the years to come. At thirteen your son has probably heard quite a bit already and I would urge you to start at an earlier age with your others as our secular world will get the jump on you if you aren’t careful. As a freshman health teacher for years I can assure you that it is really important to talk about your values and our faith with its doctrine as soon as you can. They will be a balance to what your son will be exposed to out in the world and what the kids share with each other needs faith interjected in it. I think that if possible you should examine the material being used in the theology your son receives at school whether it is within a Catholic school or his CCD (called PSR at our church). The language and the topics they cover can be useful as a jumping off place for discussion and I think that if you have this to start with it will make it more comfortable for you both. You can always start with an “I heard you were discussing this in class and I was wondering how you feel about it or if you want to ask any questions?” I will pray for you to be blessed with wisdom and inspired by the Holy Spirit in your conversations.
 
Hi, I’m not a father but have guided teenagers before: like the brother of a friend since he was being misled by her boyfriend. When he would encourage the young teenager to indulge his sexual desires, I would object right then and there and explain why. I have also had talks with my nieces and one nephew (not about sex, except for my nephew whom I felt needed correction after he was an adult.) I did talk to all of them about not getting tattoos and none have one, at least not visible, but I have always waited for them to approach me about a problem, to open up. I have never invaded their space or privacy, and always approached them respectfully.

What I would say to you is to prepare your son for this talk. He probably knows a lot already from his friends, and their take on the situation most likely presents the culture’s. The reason I say prepare him is because if you just spring it on him, it could be deeply disturbing and embarrassing, depending on your relationship. My parents were from the old Baby Boomer Parent School and they did not talk to me about anything. And at one point I was terrified my father would do so. I would have wanted to crawl in a hole. Thank goodness he probably didn’t get the talk and so I didn’t either.

As for your daughter, I think it’s time to talk to her, too. I have a female friend who confided in me and told me when she had her first cycle, she was visiting her father, her parents being divorced, and totally freaked out. She thought something was horribly wrong. Luckily, I believe her older sister was around and came to the recue.

I commend you for facing this challenge and pray that Our Lord, Jesus Christ and His Holy Mother Mary help you through this. I pray that your children will live holy lives and make you and your husband proud.
 
I would suggest a car ride or some other activity where you’re not expected to look at each other’s faces. That helps with the awkwardness factor, which could help you and your son be more open with each other.

I remember some of the best conversations I ever had with my mom were in the car. 🙂
 
mountee said:
One of the joys of parenting for me included the opportunity to be a part of this time in our children’s lives, I hope you will feel the same in the years to come. At thirteen your son has probably heard quite a bit already and I would urge you to start at an earlier age with your others as our secular world will get the jump on you if you aren’t careful. As a freshman health teacher for years I can assure you that it is really important to talk about your values and our faith with its doctrine as soon as you can. They will be a balance to what your son will be exposed to out in the world and what the kids share with each other needs faith interjected in it. I think that if possible you should examine the material being used in the theology your son receives at school whether it is within a Catholic school or his CCD (called PSR at our church). The language and the topics they cover can be useful as a jumping off place for discussion and I think that if you have this to start with it will make it more comfortable for you both. You can always start with an “I heard you were discussing this in class and I was wondering how you feel about it or if you want to ask any questions?” I will pray for you to be blessed with wisdom and inspired by the Holy Spirit in your conversations.
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I agree that this talk is overdue with both of your children, especially the 11-year old daughter. Many girls are starting their periods at age 10 now, so your daughter has probably already heard all about it from her friends, and probably heard it wrong. She might even be wondering why you haven’t told her anything, and wonders if her friends are telling the truth.

So get cracking! Chop chop.

I also agree with the car ride idea. Take a long drive to visit a popular tourist site (e.g., your State Capitol?). Talk during the drive. I assume your teenaged boy is not the type to sit and stare at his iPhone during the drive? (Hope not.)

But don’t wait to talk to your daughter. Take her out tonight or tomorrow and tell her. She really needs to know all about these things yesterday.
 
All I can do is share my own experience when I was of “that age.” And honestly, my parents started these conversations well before the age of 10. (Like 7 and 8 years old.)

At a younger age when we asked questions about where babies come from we had it explained to us plain and simple. My mom explained what physically happened between the man and woman, that this was for a husband and wife only, and that was the end of the conversation. (Short and sweet.)

By 9 we had “sex education” in school, and my mom attended the classes, helped us read the books and answered our questions. She did not believe in giving us silly answers even when we were little. She figured if you asked you had the ability to hear the answer. So by the ages of 7 and 8 we knew all about the “birds and bees.” After that more serious conversations were held and we learned of my parents expectations concerning getting pregnant, dating and sex. Nothing magic, just straight up talk.

So, all I can suggest is just be open and honest. Don’t do the “this can be embarrassing” routine. Do the, this is important for you to understand, spiritually, emotionally and physically. It is a serious conversation about a very important part of your life as a Christian. Period.
 
It is not that I have never mentioned sex before. The topic has come up before specifically with TV and movies that might portray values contrary to our beliefs. I always take that opportunity to address the “basics”. My daughter knows she will probably be starting her period soon. We have discussed that. We live in a very conservative Catholic community. They go to a public school, but in K-5, first period is CCD and they go to Mass on Friday. The public school gets to do this becaus this is considered a study hall and all but a handful of students are Catholic. After elementary, they have CCD one night per week. In the eighth grade, their CCD includes a growing up sexually instruction, which I am not really familiar with. So, I do believe we live in a fairly “sheltered” community. My husband and I grew up here too and we know most of the families who live here. It is why we have chosen to stay here even though my husband drives an hour each way to work.

I guess besides the basic biology and “don’t have sex until marriage”, I don’t know what else to say. I would really like a good age appropriate book that we could read together and discuss the various points. I am not a very eloquent speaker and would just stutter around, especially since I don’t know if I could verbally express the “why” we wait for sex or why not to masturbate or watch porn. I know it in my head but just can’t express it without soy ding stupid!!
 
Ask your DRE if you can borrow one of the Theology of the Body for Middle School pre-teens textbooks. It uses language that your son will not roll his eyes at, encourages frank discussion, and teaches exactly what the Church says about these things in terms that young people respond to. We used the High School curriculum last year, and it was wonderful.
Good luck!
 
mountee said:
At thirteen your son has probably heard quite a bit already and I would urge you to start at an earlier age with your others as our secular world will get the jump on you if you aren’t careful. As a freshman health teacher for years I can assure you that it is really important to talk about your values and our faith with its doctrine as soon as you can. They will be a balance to what your son will be exposed to out in the world and what the kids share with each other needs faith interjected in it.
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I also believe “the talk” must be done earlier. I would say starting from age 6, but little by little and not everything at once. (Husband jokes next to me he must start the talk once the baby is born, lol). In all seriousness, we gotta prepare them before they hear it from someone else (or sees it somewhere else), that way they would have an understanding and refute what other party said. Help them with the ability to discern what is right and what is wrong, to form their conscience.
 
I would add…prepare yourself for your son to have already heard some disturbing things from other kids, or the internet, or tv. Not that you have been negligent, I am NOT saying that. But the culture invades our lives in any number of ways. Take care to be gentle in correction. My daughters still to this day pop out with stuff that their peers have discussed with them that “seem to make sense” but are clearly against Christian and Catholic belief.
I always have to remain calm, and remind them of what Jesus wants for us, our happiness, and for the world to thrive in peace.
Good luck! These frank discussions will bring your closer together. He will understand that he can come to you about anything…which is something he always needs to remember and cherish.
 
Dacinom said:
A very good Catholic book is “The Joyful Mysteries of Life” please consider this. It is written for young people, is a very thin book and an easy read and touches on all the subjects you mention.

Something else, you titled your post “THE TALK” however just to be clear to you and others that might be reading this. It really isn’t just ONE talk with your child but rather dozens upon dozens of small talks. This kind of information is better digested in small doses and sometimes children have questions after thinking about it for a while. It is not unusual for a child to have a question a few hours or days after talking with their parents so make sure to tell your child or approach them later on to address questions.

I agree 100% to not look your child in the eye! Driving in the car is a great idea. Staring down your child can be embarrassing and intimidating, some people think it is intimate or caring but that should be saved for married couples in love… Teenagers who are embarrassed need SPACE. Give them the freedom to look out the window and not be stared at so they can feel free to ask a question without being looked at it is a great gift you will give them I can vouch for that. Please be assured of my prayers.
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Thank you for this book recommendation. That is what I was looking for. I have already purchased it. What about the Jason Evert books? Any of those good for this?

I hear loud and clear I am late doing this. I also have a daughter who will be 9 in September and a son who is 6. Like I mentioned I have had little discussions with them but I really want to cover more than just the biology. I can’t imagine doing this with my 6 year old:eek: Maybe the 9 year old but that still seems a little advanced for her.
 
The Jason Evert books and videos on Youtube are great. They are all based on Theology of the Body by Saint JPII. No worries there. Great, teen language. The teens view him as pretty cool.
 
Dacinom said:
Something else, you titled your post “THE TALK” however just to be clear to you and others that might be reading this. It really isn’t just ONE talk with your child but rather dozens upon dozens of small talks. This kind of information is better digested in small doses and sometimes children have questions after thinking about it for a while. It is not unusual for a child to have a question a few hours or days after talking with their parents so make sure to tell your child or approach them later on to address questions.
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I would agree. With out two oldest kids (girl 19 and boy 16) we never had “the talk”, but rather talked to them over years. We still talk to our teens about sex in the context of marriage. With the younger ones they are just begging to ask with the birth of our youngest earlier this year.

Generally we start talking about it when they start asking where babies come from. It’s not just the biology, but how it ties into God’s love and it’s purpose in marriage. That way we build a foundation early on that puts sex in context of something proper to marriage. As they got older we talk to them about dating as discernment for marriage and not just something to do while hanging out. Both of them have gone out in mixed groups, but neither has had a boyfriend or girlfriend because they both know they are not ready to consider marriage. That’s not from us either since my wife was 19 when we got married, so we don’t see the same stigma around marrying young some people do.

Some major “themes” we have talked to them about:
  • Love vs lust - Lust is selfish while love is sacrificial. We use the example of Christ crucified as the ultimate expression of sacrificial love - true love requires death of self
  • Babies are the natural outcome of sex, not an aberration or failure - setting them up to understand that God designed sex for pregnancy, not just recreation. Establish that the procreation and sex should never be separated.
  • How the release of oxytocin during sex can act to strengthen emotional bonds - to explain how sex is designed to form pair bonds and why breakups after premarital sex can cause such heartache.
  • Respect of yourself and the other person in a relationship
Really what I’m getting at is it must be discussed in a framework that lets kids understand why sex should be reserved for marriage. It should also go beyond just the do’s and dont’s into the why’s and why not’s.

For resources… I can’t give specific recommendations. I would suggest not setting-up a specific time/place. It will work better if it comes out naturally during a conversation. Most kids start putting up defenses if you say “lets go for a drive, I have something we need to talk about.” Instead look for opportunities that might present themselves over a couple week period. You can nudge the conversation that way, but don’t force a conversation when your kid is becoming uncomfortable. Sometimes it is better to let it go after a couple minutes and come back to it a few days later. I also would say you could talk with both of your kids at the same time since they are both so close in age. We really don’t give our boys and girls any different information. it is more about age appropriateness.
 
  1. Get your son to a doctor, how is he 13 but has an 11 year old sister who is taller? Check his nutrition.
  2. Get your husband to do it. I don’t care if you think you know this better than he does. Your husband is a man, you’re not. Also with you your son will be too embarrassed and will want to end it as fast as possible, and will just want to distract himself however possible during and after. And do it ASAP, you should have done this when he was 10-11.
 
Usige said:
It should also go beyond just the do’s and dont’s into the why’s and why not’s.
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Exactly. I would also tell them using questions to explain the why’s, so they can learn how to use reason and logic. Not just tell them “this is like this because of this and that”, and just pray they will accept it and believe it just because mommy or daddy says so.
 
Estevao said:
  1. Get your son to a doctor, how is he 13 but has an 11 year old sister who is taller? Check his nutrition.
  2. Get your husband to do it. I don’t care if you think you know this better than he does. Your husband is a man, you’re not. Also with you your son will be too embarrassed and will want to end it as fast as possible, and will just want to distract himself however possible during and after. And do it ASAP, you should have done this when he was 10-11.
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Don’t worry about the heights of your children. Girls mature earlier than boys, and both boys and girls go through growth spurts where they seem to shoot up overnight. (That’s hard on them, BTW–it makes their legs ache.) And then they stop growing for a year or two, and then they shoot up a few more inches.

A boy will not achieve his full height until he is around 25 years old–seriously. Some boys experience growth spurt when they are in college–just what you need when you’re short of cash–the necessity of buying a whole new “tall” wardrobe!"

If the boy is getting older–16, 17, but not developing the characteristics of a man, that might be a reason to consult a doctor. (I assume the children are doing their regular yearly checkups, so hopefully the doc is keeping an eye out for their development.)
 
Please don’t have the talk in the car. My mom did that. Bad idea.

When my mom had the talk with me, I already was experiencing same-sex attraction, and was immersed in shame. If she had made eye contact with me, and said, “You can tell me anything”, I might have told her. I needed to tell her – or at least, I needed her to tell me to tell someone about whatever sexual things I was ashamed of.

Instead we had the talk in the car. And it was over and done in no time. Maybe it works for some, but it really wasn’t helpful for me.
 
Cat said:
Don’t worry about the heights of your children. Girls mature earlier than boys, and both boys and girls go through growth spurts where they seem to shoot up overnight.

A boy will not achieve his full height until he is around 25 years old–seriously.

If the boy is getting older–16, 17, but not developing the characteristics of a man, that might be a reason to consult a doctor. (I assume the children are doing their regular yearly checkups, so hopefully the doc is keeping an eye out for their development.)
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I must say that if the son is playing videogames and/or watches too much tv while sitting strangely, don’t let it become a habit. I have two cousins (they are brothers), since very young, the older one was always playing videogames, always watching tv and never socializing (except during school hours). The younger brother was very active outside, in sports, with friends, and still helps his mom in the kitchen, This older brother is now 22 years old and he is still the same height as he was years ago (5 feet), and his younger brother (now 18 years old) is like 6 feet something and strong.

I say keep your son doing physical activities and do not worry about his height!
 
There is one more aspect of things you should be considering in your preparation-your response if the conversation goes in a direction you don’t expect. For example what if he tells you:

  1. *]He’s already masturbated
    *]Someone has shown him pornography
    *]He’s experiencing same sex attraction
    *]Someone he’s knows at school or elsewhere has gotten pregnant outside of marriage
    *]Someone has touched him inappropriately
    *]Girls (or boys) are showing an interest in dating him

    Any of these could come up if he feels comfortable and that he can trust you. How you respond will determine if he continues to trust you and confide. Not that you should stress about how you would respond, but you should think through clearly how you would be supportive and communicate what you want him to know to deal with things.

    Both my niece and nephew were able to talk with me about the initial sexual questions they had because my sister was initially too freaked out by the whole thing for them to come to her. With their permission I was able to share with her and help her and my brother in law to assume responsibility as they should. Both are now grown and doing well without having the regrets some of their friends now carry for poor choices. You can do better than my sister and handle it properly from the beginning. Good luck.
 
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