New Years Eve Screw Up-Any Advice?

[LongingSoul]

Given our past, he is taking it as I am not a changed person and I have a pattern of behavior that even marriage and a child hasn’t changed.

Also consider in the spirit of humble self examination… that you may be experiencing an unresolved immaturity that makes you susceptible to vulnerability here. It could be a subconscious need for a kind of affirmation that flirting seems to supply. I’m just mentioning that because I’ve witnessed a thing like that surfacing with full force after 15 or 20 years of faithful marriage, that’s destroyed relationships.

You know, its never to early to resort to marriage counselling to get little things out of the way before they become big things over time. That’s just a thought to ponder if you find that this incident is going to become another tense issue between your husband and yourself.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hi, I am a new, young mother and my husband and I don’t have a lot of help so we take turns going out to do social things. We rarely get to go out together anymore. He offered to stay home with the baby and so I could go out to watch some bands play on New Years Eve with my girlfriends. We were having fun drinking and dancing right in the front of the stage and when the countdown to the new year ended the singer of the band said “Happy New Year, I need a kiss!” He locked eyes with me and leaned down toward me and I felt oddly/drunkenly obligated (I know, stupid me) to kiss him. It was about as innocent of a kiss as if you kissed your brother, but still a kiss in front of an entire bar of people. I feel so horrible!

My girlfriend kept teasing me all night saying “somebody has a crush on you” blah blah. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal to just tell my husband and move on, but when my husband and I were first dating we struggled through a bout of infidelity on my part that almost ruined our relationship and friendship. We have since worked through all of that, got married and had a child but he still occasionally has trust issues.

I feel like I should tell him it happened but I also don’t want to bring up old emotions and make him distrust me again. It took so so many years for us to get to a good place where he didn’t feel hurt about the subject and didn’t distrust me. I feel so torn because I know he would want to know. I feel like going to confession and putting it behind me but what if one of our friends brings it up to him when we hang out and then he feels betrayed by me not telling him. Any advice would be helpful.

I would probably bring it up as something that my friends had on me–some guy in the band decided he needed to kiss somebody at midnight, he came down off the stage and kissed me, and now they won’t let me forget it. Next year, you go, OK? I’m so embarrassed, I could crawl under a rock. Then make sure that he knows that this is not something you think was a good idea, even though it was a kiss from some guy who didn’t even have the pretext of an introduction. Well, no, it didn’t mean anything, but the more embarrassed I got, the funnier they all thought it was. I wish I’d just turned him down, but I thought I’d be branded a spoil sport for turning down a kiss from the band at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Well, next time, too bad. I’ll find him somebody else and let them call me Aunt Bea if they want to!

Let’s face it: He chose one of your group because you obviously were not there with dates. You weren’t letting some guy hang all over you all night, and in spite of your friends’ taunts, nobody was hitting on you. It was, was it not, the first and last time this guy from the band had any direct contact with you all night? I’ll bet that all he did was get a kick of how embarrassed you were and how much fun your friends were having at your expense. That is something a brother would do.

If there are trust issues over this, then you need to make it a policy that you keep your alcohol consumption down in the 0.02 blood alcohol range. There are online calculators to help you identify how much that is. If you don’t drink more than that when your husband isn’t around to protect you from yourself, you won’t have to worry about these things again. Besides, temperance (moderation in consumption) is a cardinal virtue!

Oh, and one more thing. As my dad would say, if you cannot drink temperately when you do drink and you can’t give up alcohol altogether during Advent and Lent, you have a drinking problem. If you can’t have a good time with your friends without drinking, you either have a drinking problem, your friends have a drinking problem, or you have the wrong friends. In that case, just quit, while you are ahead.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Hi, I am a new, young mother and my husband and I don’t have a lot of help so we take turns going out to do social things. We rarely get to go out together anymore. He offered to stay home with the baby and so I could go out to watch some bands play on New Years Eve with my girlfriends. We were having fun drinking and dancing right in the front of the stage and when the countdown to the new year ended the singer of the band said “Happy New Year, I need a kiss!” He locked eyes with me and leaned down toward me and I felt oddly/drunkenly obligated (I know, stupid me) to kiss him. It was about as innocent of a kiss as if you kissed your brother, but still a kiss in front of an entire bar of people. I feel so horrible!

My girlfriend kept teasing me all night saying “somebody has a crush on you” blah blah. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal to just tell my husband and move on, but when my husband and I were first dating we struggled through a bout of infidelity on my part that almost ruined our relationship and friendship. We have since worked through all of that, got married and had a child but he still occasionally has trust issues.

I feel like I should tell him it happened but I also don’t want to bring up old emotions and make him distrust me again. It took so so many years for us to get to a good place where he didn’t feel hurt about the subject and didn’t distrust me. I feel so torn because I know he would want to know. I feel like going to confession and putting it behind me but what if one of our friends brings it up to him when we hang out and then he feels betrayed by me not telling him. Any advice would be helpful.

The issue I have in all of this is that you felt obligated to do something you didn’t want to. It would be worse if you sought to kiss someone else as opposed to just letting it happen, but as a woman, you need to have the presence of mind not to just allow those kinds of things to happen.

In the future, emphatically reject any kind of lousy crowd approval, and don’t worry about disappointing them. If they feel that way, TOO BAD.

 

[Anglewannabe]

However, I think it is totally possible for a good, married Catholic woman to go out for girl-time dancing to live music and have a few drinks without it being sinful or bad. Live music has always been a passion of mine and I dont think I should give it up just because I am a mother and wife.

Sadly, in our culture, there is something about going out dancing with the girls that does imply ‘intention to flirt’. I totally understand where you are coming from. When I was in my 20s, I spent 3 nights a week dancing in the bars (I was not married). Once I complained to a friend I could not meet a man to which she replied ‘that is because you are looking in the wrong places at the bar’. I tried to explain to her while at the bar I was busy dancing and did not go there to meet a man. She did not believe me for a second. So as much as I personally believe your intention is to listen to the live band, very few people would see it that way

The whole point of this is, after and infidelity (sadly even years after), the person who suffered the betrayal will not forget and the fear will always be there. To rebuild your husbands trust, for the next few years, it may be a good idea to give it up. After there has been a lot of time for your husband to regain trust, then maybe start going back to the live music. I understand this is important to you, but isn’t reassuring your husband more important?

Angie

 

[Joy2day]

Also consider in the spirit of humble self examination… that you may be experiencing an unresolved immaturity that makes you susceptible to vulnerability here. It could be a subconscious need for a kind of affirmation that flirting seems to supply. I’m just mentioning that because I’ve witnessed a thing like that surfacing with full force after 15 or 20 years of faithful marriage, that’s destroyed relationships.

You know, its never to early to resort to marriage counselling to get little things out of the way before they become big things over time. That’s just a thought to ponder if you find that this incident is going to become another tense issue between your husband and yourself.

Yes… Defimiyely consider possible psychological problems as the cause of this occurrence.
Inmy opinion if you say to your husband that he has nothing to worry about, then he should believe you. If he doesnt, then there is a problem with the marriage that has nothing to do with this incident.

 

[Listener]

Okay I am a married woman and I kiss other men on the lips, friends, etc. but this is just how I grew up in my culture and family.

As you said this was a kiss like a “brother” right?

It seems as if you were part of the show in the spotlight too. This was not like some clandestine meeting it was the band leader leaning over during the show! It is not uncommon for the host of a show (remember the olden days Johnny Carson, or Richard Dawson) to give a lady a short peck on the lips. To refuse him would have been very awkward.

I may be the odd poster out here, however it seems to me like the band member wasn’t so much trying to flirt with you as he was trying to entertain the crowd and give a young lady a quick kiss for New Years. It sounds as if he was a gentleman and didn’t try and force his tongue down your throat or get your phone number, therefore I wouldn’t think this bad at all. I can see that your husband may have bad feelings about what happened years ago but this New Years kiss wasn’t your fault, just my two cents.

I agree with this. Maybe you should show it to your husband. Isn’t it an American custom to kiss everyone when the clock strikes 12 on New Year’s Day? It used to be when I was young, but I haven’t been out on New Year’s Eve in years.

I do agree with the other posters that it would be much better to find a way to have your husband with you, but it seems to me that you really didn’t do anything wrong.

 

[maryjk]

I agree with this. Maybe you should show it to your husband. Isn’t it an American custom to kiss everyone when the clock strikes 12 on New Year’s Day? It used to be when I was young, but I haven’t been out on New Year’s Eve in years.

Um, no. I’ve been out numerous times for New Year’s and I never kissed whoever was around.

I would have kissed my date, and I have kissed my husband. But no, it isn’t a custom to kiss everyone.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Um, no. I’ve been out numerous times for New Year’s and I never kissed whoever was around.

I would have kissed my date, and I have kissed my husband. But no, it isn’t a custom to kiss everyone.

In Quebec (the French province in Canada), you kiss everyone within a 50 feet radius on both cheeks, regardless of whether or not you know them. Women kiss other women, the only exception is 2 men will often opt to shake hands

 

[maryjk]

In Quebec (the French province in Canada), you kiss everyone within a 50 feet radius on both cheeks, regardless of whether or not you know them. Women kiss other women, the only exception is 2 men will often opt to shake hands

Okay.

But Listener indicated that it was an American thing.

 

[APQ2784]

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. All very, very sound advice. I am very happy to say that my husband has taken the whole situation really well. I went to confession and adoration this morning to reflect on everything and am feeling so much better about the situation.
I so incredibly blessed to have such a loving and understanding husband. I think my New Years resolution will be to shift my past-time activities to a more “mature” setting, to reevaluate my drinking habits, and unfortunately some of my friends.

Thank you again everyone, this is a great forum and has been so helpful!

 

[jmcrae]

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. All very, very sound advice. I am very happy to say that my husband has taken the whole situation really well. I went to confession and adoration this morning to reflect on everything and am feeling so much better about the situation.
I so incredibly blessed to have such a loving and understanding husband. I think my New Years resolution will be to shift my past-time activities to a more “mature” setting, to reevaluate my drinking habits, and unfortunately some of my friends.

Thank you again everyone, this is a great forum and has been so helpful!

I’m so glad to know that everything has turned out for the best!

 

[MaryT777]

Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut. All very, very sound advice. I am very happy to say that my husband has taken the whole situation really well. I went to confession and adoration this morning to reflect on everything and am feeling so much better about the situation.
I so incredibly blessed to have such a loving and understanding husband. I think my New Years resolution will be to shift my past-time activities to a more “mature” setting, to reevaluate my drinking habits, and unfortunately some of my friends.

Thank you again everyone, this is a great forum and has been so helpful!

God bless you and your husband this New Year!~So happy to hear husband is understanding and all is well.
Mary.