Newly baptized! question about existing relationships

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prodigaldotkait

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Hi everyone. I’m hoping I can get some good advice here! I wasn’t sure where to post this so I figured ‘family life’ would do for now.

Here’s what’s going on…I am now officially catholic! As of Easter vigil saturday I was welcomed to the church and am in love with my new home! But the only problem is my current significant other. We have been dating for a while and are very serious, sure of marriage etc… but we have had a physical relationship before my baptism. Now that I have started over in a sense I really want to keep my promise to live by the church’s teachings…so that means no ‘hanky panky’ (for lack of a better term). He is supportive of my conversion but doesn’t understand my feelings about marriage and ‘starting over’ together. He came to my baptism (from across the country I might add!) but then made advances on Easter Sunday!

How do I communicate my feelings about this without him feeling like I’m pushing him away? I do love him and I want to be with him forever, but I would like to stay true to the Church teachings on this.

Any thoughts, advice, prayers etc are warmly welcomed!
Thank you!
 
Congrats on becoming Catholic!

Is your boyfriend Christian? If not, it’s going to be a lot different and harder to convince him of your reasoning.
 
s your boyfriend Christian? If not, it’s going to be a lot different and harder to convince him of your reasoning.
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He isn’t Catholic - but I have told him my preference that he become Catholic. His father is Catholic but his mother is not - in the past there was a lot of tension between the two families - so he wasn’t raised anything really.

He continues to tell me he is very open to learning about it and going to mass with me (which I am so thankful for!) but he feels that at his age (only 29!) he ‘made it this far’ without it.

I’m doing my best to urge him along. I tell him how much I enjoy it and how much it has really centered my life and focus. This may be a sticking point in our relationship though… :confused:
 
I can only say, be straight up with him about it. If you truly believe you are suited to marriage with this person, it should not be difficult to communicate your desire to remain chaste to them. And if they truly care about you, they will respect your decision. Luckily my significant other is a practicing Catholic, and we had this discussion within a week of dating. We both promised to help each other remain chaste since we had come from pre-conversion physical relationships and knew it wasn’t going to be easy. It certainly is a challenge at times, which is why it’s so important your significant other is willing to accept and help you stay chaste. Congratulations on your baptism! You will be in my prayers
 
Congratulations and welcome home!

The situation with your boyfriend is difficult. It is unfortunate that he did not also take RCIA classes while you were so that he could understand this new part of your life (not to convert, although that would be nice, wouldn’t it?)

You are just going to have to sit him down and explain to him that premarital sex is a mortal sin, and you will not engage in it. Also, be very clear that any attempts on his part to get you to engage in a mortal sin are contrary to genuine love.

It is confusing for somebody who defines love as sexual gratification. The Church defines love as self-sacrifice. You are sacrificing your own desires to experience sexual pleasure now out of love for Christ and love for your boyfriend (because you don’t want him to engage in a mortal sin). This is likely a completely foreign concept to him, and he might balk at the idea that you are asking him to sacrifice himself for you, when he’s not Catholic. However, all good marriages are built on a foundation of self-sacrifice – each spouse laying aside his/her own wants and needs to tend to the wants and needs of his/her spouse.
 
I am in a similar situation, except my fiancee is Catholic. We also had a physical relationship in the past but we stopped this when he went to confession just before Easter. I was also baptized and confirmed at the Easter Vigil. We have decided that we would not continue our physical relationship until our wedding night.

I think my situation is easier since my fiancee is a cradle catholic and stopping our physical relationship was actually his idea initially (though we both agree).

I personally think that if he is the right “one” for you, he will be understanding and respect your wishes.
 
mswood said:
I am in a similar situation, except my fiancee is Catholic. We also had a physical relationship in the past but we stopped this when he went to confession just before Easter. I was also baptized and confirmed at the Easter Vigil. We have decided that we would not continue our physical relationship until our wedding night.

I think my situation is easier since my fiancee is a cradle catholic and stopping our physical relationship was actually his idea initially (though we both agree).

I personally think that if he is the right “one” for you, he will be understanding and respect your wishes.
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Thanks for the first hand knowledge! Its nice to know others have been in the same ‘start over’ position. I’m starting to read theology of the body - I might send him a copy… do you think this may be to ‘pushy’ on my side being that he’s not Catholic?
 
prodigaldotkait said:
Thanks for the first hand knowledge! Its nice to know others have been in the same ‘start over’ position. I’m starting to read theology of the body - I might send him a copy… do you think this may be to ‘pushy’ on my side being that he’s not Catholic?
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No, it’s not pushy. If you have any chance at a future together he is going to need to know what to expect in terms of behavior on your part. Any of the studies on TOB would be good including all the Christopher West stuff. Catholicism for Dummies or the Actual Catechism also would be good. He needs to be informed. I realize you are still informing so self so some things will come up later. There are a lot of differences with how Catholics view or do things and how Protestants or non religious folks view and do things.
 
Congrats on both your baptism and doing the right thing. The best thing you can do is explain to him your clear cut understanding of sex outside of marriage being a mortal sin. My dh and I were also active but were chaste prior to our wedding after doing some soul searching and reconcilliation. If he can’t support your Faith Choices now chances are he will not later nor will he adequately be able to raise your children in the Faith which is a requirement of Sacramental marriage.
 
Welcome home!

Tell your boyfriend that you love him, but that now you understand what the two of you were doing was wrong and that you will remain chaste until your marriage.

Do invite him to attend Mass with you whenever possible and encourage him to enroll in RCIA even if he isn’t planning to convert.

Let him know that by attending RCIA he can learn more about your faith and so learn more about who you have become.

Your on a rocky road, but there is great potential here and you are on the right path.

Continue to be a positive influence in his life and, hopefully, there will be a big Catholic wedding in your future!

My prayers for you and your boyfriend.
 
The Bible warns about being unequally yoked with unbelievers. It is very very very difficult to be married to someone, to raise children with that person, when you do not have the blessings of a Sacramental marriage and do not share Faith.

Take a break.

Read “Three To Get Married” by Sheen.

Ask yourself, will this man help you and your children get to heaven?
 
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