Newly Married Sex Issues

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My husband and I have been married for six months and love each other very much. However, sex has been a serious issue. I’ve done a cursory glance over a variety of websites (the secular ones are frankly ridiculous) and the Catholic Answers threads so far don’t seem to be answering the same question.

Basically, sex has been, at best, not painful and, at worst, ending in tears of pain. We don’t do anything particularly exciting; it’s pretty vanilla as far as I imagine sex can go. Given that the passage from the Catechism below teaches that sex should be better than simply “not painful,” is there any advice from married and devout Catholics who have had similar problems? I’m almost scared of having sex at this point, and I don’t want it to hurt our marriage.

From the Catechism:
" 2362 "The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude.“145 Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure:
The Creator himself . . . established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation.146"”
 
Couple of questions for you to consider, you dont have to answer me explicitly
  1. Are you aroused before sex? If not then have you had a conversation with your spouse regarding foreplay and what “actions” before sex that may help you relax and bring you in the mood
  2. Have you considered lubricants? Using lubricants without spermicide are not against Catholic teaching. In fact depending on what part of your cycle you are during the month this may affect how “moisturized” you are. Adding lubrication may be a big help.
  3. Have you considered different positions, than “vanilla”? You say its been pretty vanilla. But have you tried a different position to see if perhaps that will feel better, trying a variation of positions may feel better for you.
 
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I don’t have an answer, but I did pray for a resolution to your issue
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Let's Pray a Perpetual Rosary Spirituality
for @trel Newly Married Sex Issues I pray for a resolution to your issue HAIL MARY, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen 7th Hail Mary ~ Glorious (3)
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Thank you! Yeah I had brought it up to my obgyn early on in our marriage, and she gave me some lube samples. I may look into this again, because if there is a physical issue, there may be a more permanent solution than using lube every time.
I will definitely look into getting the book. Thank you!
 
Eliminate any physical reasons on her end anyways. There are a few things things that could be at issue on his end that I’ve heard of.
 
trel said:
and she gave me some lube
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Try cocunut oil. It’s natural and usually cheaper than the “medical” lubricants.
It also is very mild and not particularly astringent on your bits.

Also try doing more foreplay and build-up, if you haven’t already been doing that. It takes time to get in the mood and maybe your husband doesn’t realise that women generally aren’t ready to go just like that.
 
Some people here advise lubricants.

Apart, that it is medical advise, the fact that some does not contains spermicide does not means they cannot dammage the sperm’s quality.

It should be known.

Not the better advise…
 
Without lubricant (non-spermicidal) we would not have had any intimacy in our marriage.
 
frarmandofm said:
Without lubricant (non-spermicidal) we would not have had any intimacy in our marriage.
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I don’t think your alone in this by any means. 17% of women between the ages of 18-50 experience vaginal dryness during sex, this would translate to around 1 out of every 6 women. It is even more prevalent though during menopause where about 50% of women experience vaginal dryness. Many women do self treat using lubricants because it is such a common issue.

 
Thanks! If this issue doesn’t get better, I will probably try going to my obgyn again to see what’s up.
 
Don’t give up anyway. There may be a simple reason for this and often it takes time to be completely comfortable. After all, it is probably the most intimate you can be with another human being, so that can be intimidating at the start.
 
Glad to hear it. Just remember not to take any of this as something being wrong with you. Firstly, some of the problem may actually be caused by his anatomy, not yours. More importantly, you shouldn’t think in terms of ‘wrong’ or ‘fault’. There are elements that are causing problems. There may be things you or he can do to improve things. Neither of these implies that either of you is ‘at fault.’ I can’t imagine any situation where ascribing fault would make things better.
 
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Inquiry said:
ust remember not to take any of this as something being wrong with you. Firstly, some of the problem may actually be caused by his anatomy, not yours.
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I would further note, based on my own experience, there can be issues of anatomy with one or both people even if the ob/ gyn finds nothing wrong with the woman, no sort of abnormal smallness of the woman’s anatomy, etc. I had the misfortune of initially going to an ob/ gyn who was very insensitive about that fact, and she did make me feel like something was wrong with me because she didn’t see any anatomical problem even though I was having severe burning pain from just her examining me. Fortunately I got another ob/ gyn who was a bit more empathetic and understanding.

Seeing the doctor is a good idea, but if the doctor is not able to find anything, you and your husband may end up just having to experiment with positions, lubrication etc until you find a way that works well for you both.
 
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@trel As a recently married woman myself, with a man who has had a high sex drive, I whole heartily sympathize to your situation. Reviewing not only what you wrote, but also reading the suggestions of others, I conquer that making sure you are aroused and lubricated is very important. Equally, experimenting with different positions may be beneficial. For my husband and I, we are continually trying new positions and lubricants. I’m super sensitive and honestly hard to arouse. We have learned that it takes me a good amount of time to warm up. For us, communication has been key to our sex life. We tell each other what we like and what we don’t and try and always make sure that when we do have sex its out of love for each other and not lust.
 
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