Newlywed struggling with regret

[Sarah12]

I got married less than two months ago and cannot shake the feeling that I made a mistake.

A year ago I could not wait to get engaged. I was with the man I had wanted to be with for years - a faith-filled catholic man I had met in university. Part way through our engagement, our relationship changed and there was a pattern of him letting me down. I really struggled with it but blamed it on infatuation wearing off as well as changes in his career and him moving to a different city. I did meet with a priest whose advice was to consider putting the wedding off. I didn’t take his advice because he didn’t know me or my fiancé very well, I only provided him with negative information about our relationship, and putting the wedding off would be difficult, expensive, and humiliating.

Leading up to the wedding our relationship got a bit better but I was not overly excited for the wedding and he didn’t seem to be either. I blamed it on my mild depression and anxiety and his reserved demeanor.

Now we are married and I feel unhappy and alone. I don’t feel close to him and I don’t get to spend as much time with him as I would like because of his job. I don’t feel like looks up to me or treats me as an equal and whenever I try to talk to him about issues in our relationship he becomes defensive and makes it an issue about my failure to communicate. He gets annoyed when I am not in the mood to be intimate with him.

To make matters worse, I have not felt close to God all year. I constantly prayed during our engagement for guidance and never felt any response. I feel so lost.

Please pray for me and offer any advice you think would be beneficial.

 

[Psalm30]

I’m sorry you’re struggling.

Without more information — there’s a lot of ambiguity in saying he has a pattern of “letting you down” — I can’t say whether you’re merely experiencing the ups and downs of a healthy relationship or if there’s a more serious problem. The fact that a priest suggested you put the wedding on hold leads me to believe it may be a more serious problem, as does your lack of enthusiasm and excitement just before the wedding.

Now we are married and I feel unhappy and alone. I don’t feel close to him and I don’t get to spend as much time with him as I would like because of his job.

I’ve been married seven years. There are definitely times that I feel lonely and disconnected from my husband. I love him very much, but the deep romantic feelings ebb and flow. He works and is busy and sometimes I feel I don’t get enough time with him to meet my emotional needs. But all in all, I know he loves me and will always have my back.

I don’t feel like looks up to me or treats me as an equal and whenever I try to talk to him about issues in our relationship he becomes defensive and makes it an issue about my failure to communicate. He gets annoyed when I am not in the mood to be intimate with him.

Google strategies for communication and “fighting fair” in marriage.

To make matters worse, I have not felt close to God all year. I constantly prayed during our engagement for guidance and never felt any response. I feel so lost.

Keep praying. Ask for the intercession of Our Lady, Undoer of Knots.

 

[Jen7]

Since your feelings of aloneness include God & not just your husband, this doesn’t sound like a marriage issue to me. Could you be experiencing some depression?

Lots of folks report feeling a post-marriage emotional slump. It seems esp true of couples who had huge weddings that involved a lot of planning and fanfare. Then it’s over and… now what?

I recommend the book “Boundaries in Marriage” by Drs Cloud & Townsend. Sounds like you two might be feeding off each other’s emotions a bit…

 

[Retsel]

The three C’s of a valid Catholic marriage:

Capacity:
Psychological capacity – emotional maturity and stability
Physical capacity – ability to fulfill duties of marriage
Freedom from impediments

Consent:
Lifelong (permanent)
Exclusive (forsaking all others)
Open to children

Canonical Form:
To be married in the presence of a Catholic bishop, or a priest or deacon delegated by either the pastor or bishop, and two witnesses according to the Order of Celebrating Matrimony. (Also, one or both Catholic)

 

[TheLittleLady]

Now we are married and I feel unhappy and alone.

Sometimes our idea of what married life will be like sets us up for this sort of feeling. Those moments when you look into his eyes and everything melts away because it is only the two of you in the world, those happen but most of the time marriage is not like that.

Repeat to yourself “feelings are feelings, they are not always reality”.

Learning how to communicate is very important. Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille are good. If you have Formed.org, watch both of the “Beloved” series. Read the Five Love Languages.

To make matters worse, I have not felt close to God all year. I constantly prayed during our engagement for guidance and never felt any response. I feel so lost.

Again, feelings can cloud reality. You are not alone. God is right there. Sometimes we have consolations of the feelings, other times we do not have those consolations. Faithfulness in the dry times is what gets us through them.

 

[Sarah12]

Thanks for your response. This is why I have pushed through the engagement - because I suspect I have undiagnosed depression. I have sought diagnosis in the past but been told by doctors to just go for a run or take vitamin D. Considering this, perhaps the timing was not right to get married. I naively thought once we were married everything would be better.

I do think we had our heads on straight during the planning process. We didn’t go crazy over the little details and agreed we were more excited to be married than we were for the wedding (which should be obvious but you don’t hear that a lot).

Thanks for the recommendations!

 

[Sarah12]

Thanks for your response. I didn’t want to go into detail about my reasons for seeking a priest, but it had to do with occasional binge drinking where I would have to take care of him (which isn’t really an issue now) amongst other reasons. All in all, it was an overwhelming amount of “downs”.

I have Googled strategies before and shared them with him, but I don’t know how to make him follow them.

Looking back, all the signs seem pretty clear that I was too hasty but now I feel stuck and don’t know what to do.

I will try to persevere in prayer, it’s just been so so hard after nearly a year of feeling nothing.

 

[Legend]

I was pretty much agreeing with the advice you got-until this last post! But, now knowing that problem drinking is a factor, it may be a bit more serious.

I don’t have any advice at the moment, except that you should keep your eyes wide open! Don’t nag him, but don’t start dismissing any reckless drinking incidents.

I do wish you the best. Just keep in mind that there could be a problem. If he physically abuses you, or your children (if, and when, you have any), it’s time to get out!

 

[Jen7]

Looking back, all the signs seem pretty clear that I was too hasty but now I feel stuck and don’t know what to do.

I will try to persevere in prayer, it’s just been so so hard after nearly a year of feeling nothing.

Definitely pray… but please don’t let that be all you do. Given the drinking, even if it’s mostly a thing of the past now, I’d seek out a counselor. I really recommend Dr. Corey Allen (who will do phone counseling). I haven’t used him but I love his book and think he seems very level headed and pro-marriage! Google him and think about giving him a call!

 

[TheLittleLady]

Yeah, I agree. Binge drinking where you have to “take care of him” is a red flag. Or at least a dark pink flag.

 

[Psalm30]

I agree with @Legend and @TheLittleLady . The binge drinking is definitely a red flag.

The other thing that concerns me is that you went ahead with the wedding to avoid being humiliated, losing money, etc. when you had serious doubts about marrying him. Lots of people get “cold feet” before getting married (making a huge, lifelong commitment can be scary, even if there are no red flags and you are completely in love) but it sounds like you had big concerns — big enough for a priest to suggest postponing the wedding — that did not get resolved.

Is there a good, trusted priest you can talk to now? I think that would be a good place to start. I will pray for you.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I have Googled strategies before and shared them with him, but I don’t know how to make him follow them.

I don’t know if getting marital counseling strategies from Google is a good idea. In fact I’ll just come right out and say it’s not a good idea, probably a bad idea that could cause more harm than good. You may need to spend a little money on this one.

Go see a good marriage counselor. If he won’t go see one with you then you need to tell him it’s important to you. If he won’t do something as simple as going to a marriage counselor when his wife thinks they ought to, then he needs to know what message that sends you. You should also tell him that the counseling will help your behavior, not just the marriage relationship and his behavior.

 

[Legend]

OP,

I read your first thread here from five years ago. You were having trouble with your family constantly fighting.

Were you in a hurry to get married, because you would have no other alternative but to stay with that family???

You were getting ready for university, and, from what you said here, it seems like you’re finished. Did you graduate? Do you have a job?

Sorry if this brings up bad memories. But, you and your husband really do need to talk to your priest. I’m praying for you, and your marriage.

 

[Sarah12]

Thanks for your response. It seems obvious now that I ignored a lot of issues that needed to be resolved before marriage. What I’m struggling with now is the fact that I made my vows which may have been a mistake that will affect the rest of my life. How do I reconcile my regret?

Because of my schooling and moving around from city to city, I unfortunately don’t have a trusted priest I can talk to now.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Trust the pastor at your parish. They have been put there by your Bishop to care for your soul.