NFP after sterilization?

[vaearia]

Just to clarify, my husband has NOT been baptized. I am aware ours is a “sacred” but not “sacramental” marriage because of this. Actually right now we are not married in the Catholic Church, but on the 29th of this month, we will be! And I couldn’t be more excited! I will finally be able to receive our lord by communion again!

Thank you everyone for giving me advice. But honestly, it hasn’t helped much. One person says ‘sure, given this fact and this fact you are fine’, and another says ‘absolutely not!’… I guess I am going to continue to work with our priest and deacon, and my NFP instructor and hope and pray for the reproductive health that is necessary for us to continue down this path. Obviously a sexless marriage isn’t an option, so at some point we need to either have NFP work or something else! I honestly right now am having a very difficult time with disapproving his choice for a vesectomy. The human urge to once again experience intimacy with my husband is increasingly large. But it is impossible at this time to risk it, which is very depressing for both of us. He wants to do “other” things (if you know what I mean) and I know that is wrong too, but how can I deny a non catholic man any sort of sexual gravitation when I am unable to be intimate with him by intercourse? I am starting to push him away in other ways, not that I intend to but because I know if I get close enough to him, I will sin one way or another. It is heartbreaking.

My husband was planning to become catholic, but has turned away now because of all of this. That breaks my heart too.

And yes, to someone who mentioned if he was a good husband and father. He most certainly is… Amazing in every way. I am so saddened by the fact that I can’t bring him any of the pleasure a marriage is supposed to bring.

I need to pray more. Thanks again everyone.

 

[anonycatmom]

This forum didn’t help me much I’m afraid. I am very young. I am married in the church, but to a non Catholic. I have severe back/nerve/pelvic issues. I am on my third pregnancy, and I can no longer walk, or move, or watch my other two children who are both under 3. My husband works in the city and takes care of the house, and cooks us dinner… this is entirely unfair. We have no family in the state. We got pregnant with our 3 while using NFP strictly. My body and pelvis can barely hold this child. I have had this trouble since 12 wks gestation, I am 20 wks now. If I become pregnant again I will lose my mobility entirely. I understand God’s gives us all crosses, but I have a hard time believing God would want me to continue to have children while unable to care for those I already have. I am at a loss. I do not want to go to hell. I take my religion very seriously, I have never used birth control and have only used nfp. I never expected that this would happen to me or that I would be put in this situation. My mother had similar issues, and after consulting with Clergy decided that sterilization was the right Avenue for her. I never judged her for it, but I am having a hard time dealing with this myself.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

This … I am married in the church, but to a non Catholic. I have severe back/nerve/pelvic issues. I am on my third pregnancy, and I can no longer walk, or move, or watch my other two children who are both under 3. My husband works in the city and takes care of the house, and cooks us dinner… this is entirely unfair. We have no family in the state. We got pregnant with our 3 while using NFP strictly. My body and pelvis can barely hold this child. I have had this trouble since 12 wks gestation, I am 20 wks now. If I become pregnant again I will lose my mobility entirely. I understand God’s gives us all crosses, but I have a hard time believing God would want me to continue to have children while unable to care for those I already have. I am at a loss. I do not want to go to hell. I take my religion very seriously, I have never used birth control and have only used nfp. I never expected that this would happen to me or that I would be put in this situation. My mother had similar issues, and after consulting with Clergy decided that sterilization was the right Avenue for her. I never judged her for it, but I am having a hard time dealing with this myself.

Hello ACT. This is a difficult situation.
The first thing would be to discover why NFP did not work for you. If it comes down to the fact that your body is unpredictable and this method cannot be reliably used (which it obviously must be!) then what are your options…
The normal advice would be abstinence…and in your case that would seem to have to be perpetual due to the consequences of pregancy. That is a big ask for a Catholic couple let alone one where the husband is young and not a Catholic and where sex “as a remedy for concupiscence” is probably pretty high up on the “the minimum essentials of marriage” list at the moment.

Noone may counsel you to directly choose the lesser of two objective evils (ie contracept rather than ruin your health/marriage). But, given your extreme situation I believe no reasonable Catholic or Priest would explicitly feel the need to counsel you not to choose the lesser objective evil.

You might ask what is the diifference? The difference is that lots of people do need to be explicitly told not to choose the lesser objective evil because the sin would be very reasonably regarded as imputable personally. Rarely, some people in situations requiring heroic virtue, need to be advised that failing in heroic virtue is not the same as failing in situations requiring less than heroic virtue. Failure in some objective situations of “grave matter” can be reasonably judged (by a regular confessor) not to be personally mortal but venial at worst. (Each and every infraction would need to be confessed all the same - though not immediately so long as a regular confessional practice (say monthly) was maintained).

How can we commit intrinsically evil acts yet not be commiting mortal sin? As usual it is because we do not always have a totally free will or we do not fully understand that Catholic teaching applies to our particular situation. Usually its a combination of both.
Nevertheless it is important we do not decide the matter for ourselves without seeking ongoing 3rd party guidance when assessing of our ongoing freedom in these difficult areas - hence I keep mentioning the need for a regular experienced confessor.

What I am indirectly putting before you is not something lightly spoken of in public yet it is a not unknown/accepted confessional, pastoral practice in monitored difficult situations. Such a personal decision must also be in accord with your own conscience. If you are absolutely sure God is calling you to heroic virtue (after ongoing discussion with an experienced older priest) then you must lovingly risk your marriage/health if abstinence is not an option for your husband.

I do not believe you are yet being called to heroic virtue as you yourself admit “… I understand God’s gives us all crosses, but I have a hard time believing God would want me to continue to have children while unable to care for those I already have.”

Anyhow, you have a few other options to explore before we get to the above point.
If your husband is not prepared to abstain (or cannot help himself if he does so commit, or you reasonably judge your marriage would fail if he did try to abstain) then there are further possibilities.

Strictly speaking, just like the contraceptive issue above, it would not be objectively licit for you to have yourself sterilised purely to avoid the possibility of becoming pregnant. Neither could you licitly consent to your husband having a vasectomy. However if he did, in good conscience for your sake and the sake of his marriage, decide on his own to have a vasectomy knowing you personally objected, then you have done your duty before God and you should have no guilt about that nor about sex afterwards. I think it would be pretty reasonable to assume that if your husband was sincerely following his Protestant conscience (which is probably much less demanding than a Catholic one) then evil would only be minimally imputable to him personally before God. We Catholics would still say he made a wrong decision but he was “invincably ignorant” at the time (and may be so for the rest of his life).

Above all pray. I cannot remember who said the following but it has always brought me comfort.

“If one both prays and sins only one of two things can eventually result. Either the sinner will stop praying or the pray-er will stop sinning.” Be a pray-er .

 

[anonycatmom]

Thank you very much for that!

 

[vaearia]

I spoke with my deacon earlier in the week and today I had a long conversation with my priest. My husband has opted for the vesectomy. But his appointment isn’t until mid August so i will continue to pray about this. He knows that it is 110% his choice. But deep down inside i feel completely relieved… Is that bad???

 

[anonycatmom]

I don’t think it is a sin to feel that way. You know it is morally wrong, and he knows that you don’t morally approve of it.

 

[vaearia]

Thank you.
I still don’t know if he will go through with it. But he says he is. I’m kinda just leaving it at that. I told him to make sure to call to cancel the appointment if he changes his mind and that’s the last of it.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I spoke with my deacon earlier in the week and today I had a long conversation with my priest. My husband has opted for the vesectomy. But his appointment isn’t until mid August so i will continue to pray about this. He knows that it is 110% his choice. But deep down inside i feel completely relieved… Is that bad???

I don’t think so Vaearia, feelings are feelings. Just don’t “entertain” (ie open the door and invite them in for a cuppa) them.

Re life after sterilisation. I have come across the attached theological article which goes into the matter quite deeply by a highly educated Jesuit. Some of it is too deep but he also draws fairly understandable conclusions. He actually agrees with your original position that “repentant” Catholic couples should abstain during the nominal infertile period as a safeguard to the sincerity of their reptentance (ie clearly not profiting from the “sin” under an armchair illusion of sorrow). This does make sense. However, while this may be the mainstream conclusion (and somewhat conservative) I do not by any means think it is the only acceptable one in theological circles.

Your case is a little different because your sterilsed partner is not Catholic so you must be very careful in implimenting abstinence purely for this reason.

All the same, recent Popes have made it very clear that the fundamental virtue to be safeguarded in all these sorts of marital scenarios is “chastity.” That is, all Christians are called to regulate sexual/unitive pleasure even in marriage. Sterilisation (or even natural infertility) does not mean open slather on sex. One must still practice responsible discipline. I do not know if this is a significant problem for your husband or not (it doesn’t sound like it is for you). If it is then I believe you have a responsibility to slowly educate him over time because sterilisation may be incentive for him to backslide.

If you have any questions re the attached article I am happy to assist.