NFP, grave reasons, discerning family size

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1inICXC

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I know these questions are frequent on here but perhaps I can find a few words of wisdom on my particular case.

I’m a homeschooling mom of 4 (2-10 yo) very dedicated to living out God’s plan for our family. DH is the sole provider and completely on board with all church teachings on life and family.

Seeing as we’re both uber choleric, it is truly only through the grace of God that there is so much joy and love in our home. There is also so much noise and agitation!! With every child, once they reached 2 years of age I felt that finally thing are settling in, they’re becoming manageable and more peaceful. Part of me truly missed having a baby in the house, as we LOVE babies, but most of all I was just so content to be back to “normal”.

I am in that phase again and I am so conflicted. With both of us being so high strung I know how intense the first two years are and the sleepless nights make things so much worse as we become even edgier. I also know 90% of the “load” with the newborn is on me, which is normal, but I can’t help but get really resentful every time. With the 4th I was mostly super joyful as she truly was a balm for my heart but overall things did get a lot more hectic and I just don’t know if I can go through that again (I know, we probably all say this after every child). I’m not getting any younger however (nearing the mid-30s) so waiting is probably not a better option, especially since age doesn’t make anything easier on the nerves.

I’m not really sure what my question is, I know no one can tell me to have or not to have anymore children but perhaps some quidance from other parents who have had to make these decisions will strike a chord, so please weigh in (if you are an Orthodox Catholic who is aware of what the vocation to marriage entails).

P.s the absitinence periods for spacing/avoiding pregnancy is not much of a problem…after all these years we’ve gotten used to it so no real pressures there (other than the occasional temptations)
 
Could you borrow a newborn from someone to keep for a few months to get a feel for how one would fit into your current situation? That might give you some insight either way.
 
TechieGuy said:
Not at all - it seems like the most practical way for her to test her conflicting desires between missing having a newborn around vs things being manageable and peaceful.
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Newborns aren’t like cars; you can’t test-drive them.
 
TechieGuy said:
Not at all - it seems like the most practical way for her to test her conflicting desires between missing having a newborn around vs things being manageable and peaceful.
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Who in their right mind would “lend” out their newborn for a couple of months??
 
Who in their right mind would “lend” out their newborn for a couple of months??
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I don’t know - they’d probably have to ask around.
Newborns aren’t like cars; you can’t test-drive them.
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I’m not suggesting that she keep the newborn, just that she have a fairly long stretch of taking care of one full time to see if right now is a good time for her to have one.
 
TechieGuy said:
I don’t know - they’d probably have to ask around.
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TechieGuy, you must not have children. Newborns need their mothers. You can’t just take them away from their families unless there’s a serious problem and the child’s parents are unable to care for him. It would be terribly unfair to the child.

Normally the instinct to “try out before you buy” is a good one, as in the case of borrowing a puppy or a vacuum cleaner. But it doesn’t work for humans.

OP, I don’t have any good advice for you. I only have three little ones and I’m not homeschooling. I’d like to have more. I do find the first six months to be very difficult, though in my case, my husband takes care of the bigger ones while I focus exclusively on the newborn and so the division of labor seems fair. For me, I just keeping looking ahead and thinking about what I’d like our family to look like in a decade or two. In other words, how many kids do I want coming home from college at Christmas? Or what would the kitchen look like with half a dozen kids eating and laughing if I didn’t have to make lunches myself? This is what keeps me wanting a big family. I put in the hard work now and reap the rewards later. Good luck with your decision.
 
“Nearing your mid-thirties” means you are in your early thirties. 😉

Your youngest is a toddler and your home is likely very busy right now. It sounds to me like you have reasons to use NFP if you both wish.

Now I’ll share my own perspective on the larger topic, which is quite different from the perspective of many people in the modern world. Between “trying” and “avoiding” lies a third option–not worrying about pregnancy one way or the other. At your present age in your early thirties that would likely mean more babies, but not necessarily. As you get older, fertility declines although many women remain fertile into their forties and sometimes beyond. Not everyone is comfortable with this third option, but I wanted to share the idea for you to consider. We have some control of our family size but not ultimate control. As you try to discern God’s will for you and your husband, perhaps simply ask Him if He wishes for you to use NFP or not. Many devout Catholic couples seem to think that NFP is something they have to use, but we don’t have to always try regulating birth and child spacing. The Church allows NFP but we don’t have to use it.
 
I think TechieGuy’s solution is probably not super practical though well intended, but a more workable version might be to spend more time with families with newborns if they are in your social circle, or even offer to watch a baby every now and then as a kindness to friends, and see if that stirs anything up for you.

It’s always a month to month (or cycle to cycle) discernment, too. The answer isn’t “no,” it’s “not right now.” And you can decide mid-cycle to say, “You know what? It would be OK, after all.”
 
gardenswithkids said:
“Nearing your mid-thirties” means you are in your early thirties. 😉

Your youngest is a toddler and your home is likely very busy right now. It sounds to me like you have reasons to use NFP if you both wish.

Now I’ll share my own perspective on the larger topic, which is quite different from the perspective of many people in the modern world. Between “trying” and “avoiding” lies a third option–not worrying about pregnancy one way or the other. At your present age in your early thirties that would likely mean more babies, but not necessarily. As you get older, fertility declines although many women remain fertile into their forties and sometimes beyond. Not everyone is comfortable with this third option, but I wanted to share the idea for you to consider. We have some control of our family size but not ultimate control. As you try to discern God’s will for you and your husband, perhaps simply ask Him if He wishes for you to use NFP or not. Many devout Catholic couples seem to think that NFP is something they have to use, but we don’t have to always try regulating birth and child spacing. The Church allows NFP but we don’t have to use it.
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Practically speaking, once you know NFP, you can’t really forget what you know.

So the not trying/not avoiding thing is harder than it sounds. (I believe Hoosier Daddy has mentioned this issue before.)
 
pensmama87 said:
I think TechieGuy’s solution is probably not super practical though well intended,** but a more workable version might be to spend more time with families with newborns if they are in your social circle, or even offer to watch a baby every now and then as a kindness to friends, and see if that stirs anything up for you.
**
It’s always a month to month (or cycle to cycle) discernment, too. The answer isn’t “no,” it’s “not right now.” And you can decide mid-cycle to say, “You know what? It would be OK, after all.”
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Yes.
 
Thank you all for the replies!
TechieGuy said:
Could you borrow a newborn from someone to keep for a few months to get a feel for how one would fit into your current situation? That might give you some insight either way.
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This was the best laugh ever!! With spouses and kids you don’t get to test things out, which is for the better because there are always those times when you want to return them 😃
nodito said:
TechieGuy, you must not have children. Newborns need their mothers. You can’t just take them away from their families unless there’s a serious problem and the child’s parents are unable to care for him. It would be terribly unfair to the child.

Normally the instinct to “try out before you buy” is a good one, as in the case of borrowing a puppy or a vacuum cleaner. But it doesn’t work for humans.

OP, I don’t have any good advice for you. I only have three little ones and I’m not homeschooling. I’d like to have more. I do find the first six months to be very difficult, though in my case, my husband takes care of the bigger ones while I focus exclusively on the newborn and so the division of labor seems fair. For me, I just keeping looking ahead and thinking about what I’d like our family to look like in a decade or two. In other words, how many kids do I want coming home from college at Christmas? Or what would the kitchen look like with half a dozen kids eating and laughing if I didn’t have to make lunches myself? This is what keeps me wanting a big family. I put in the hard work now and reap the rewards later. Good luck with your decision.
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I agree, in retrospect I’m so glad we had 4 kids in 10 years. Personally, I’d be content with the 4 but yes, probably even happier with 5-6 in the long run. The big picture is definitely the one to keep in mind!
gardenswithkids said:
“Nearing your mid-thirties” means you are in your early thirties. 😉

Your youngest is a toddler and your home is likely very busy right now. It sounds to me like you have reasons to use NFP if you both wish.

Now I’ll share my own perspective on the larger topic, which is quite different from the perspective of many people in the modern world. Between “trying” and “avoiding” lies a third option–not worrying about pregnancy one way or the other. At your present age in your early thirties that would likely mean more babies, but not necessarily. As you get older, fertility declines although many women remain fertile into their forties and sometimes beyond. Not everyone is comfortable with this third option, but I wanted to share the idea for you to consider. We have some control of our family size but not ultimate control. As you try to discern God’s will for you and your husband, perhaps simply ask Him if He wishes for you to use NFP or not. Many devout Catholic couples seem to think that NFP is something they have to use, but we don’t have to always try regulating birth and child spacing. The Church allows NFP but we don’t have to use it.
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So far, out record has been 6 conceptions in the first try so method 3 for us is more or less like option 1 🙂
 
1inICXC said:
This was the best laugh ever!! With spouses and kids you don’t get to test things out, which is for the better because there are always those times when you want to return them 😃
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I am so glad you enjoyed my humor - yes, guys, I know you can’t just borrow babies for months at a time!
 
heidi_storage said:
Newborns aren’t like cars; you can’t test-drive them.
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…when my wife and I went back to the Hospital - same ward we gave birth on and were there a few days - with our first born so my wife could get more help with feeding –

…when I arrived at nurse window carrying my little son in his car seat I said -
*
“I would like to make a return but I forgot my receipt” *

🙂

(I joke too much perhaps … I know…but it was funny because I would never want such a thing…)
 
Compendium issued by Pope Benedict XVI

497. When is it moral to regulate births?

2368-2369
2399

The regulation of births, which is an aspect of responsible fatherhood and motherhood, is objectively morally acceptable when it is pursued by the spouses without external pressure; when it is practiced not out of selfishness but for serious reasons; and with methods that conform to the objective criteria of morality, that is, periodic continence and use of the infertile periods.

vatican.va/archive/compendium_ccc/documents/archive_2005_compendium-ccc_en.html
 
heidi_storage said:
Newborns aren’t like cars; you can’t test-drive them.
Click to expand...
a time I joked…

…when my wife and I went back to the Hospital - same ward we gave birth on and where we had been a few days after his birth - with our first born so my wife could get more help with feeding from the nurse teacher–

…when I arrived at nurse window carrying my little new born son in his car seat and set him down on the counter and I said -
*
“I would like to make a return but I forgot my receipt” *
 
Bookcat said:
a time I joked…

…when my wife and I went back to the Hospital - same ward we gave birth on and where we had been a few days after his birth - with our first born so my wife could get more help with feeding from the nurse teacher–

…when I arrived at nurse window carrying my little new born son in his car seat and set him down on the counter and I said -
*
“I would like to make a return but I forgot my receipt” *
Click to expand...
I’m told parents sometimes feel that way after they’ve had the kid for about 13 or 14 years.
 
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