NFP woes

[Lewis]

To shorten a long story, I have been practicing NFP for about 7 years, but correctly for about 3 years. Because of my husband’s lack of faith/belief in NFP as well as my past lack of consistancy, he is not interested in continuing with it. We have 5 children and financially as well as emotionally agree that, at this point, we are at our limit. I would like to continue the most conservative NFP methods but he is terrified of another pregnancy and doesn’t feel that he can continue with it. He took a NFP class with me and has read/listened to the literature, but he still has huge reservations. I am feeling torn between loyalty to my faith and my husband. This is really putting a strain on our marriage. Any advice?

 

[Agomemnon]

Lewis:

To shorten a long story, I have been practicing NFP for about 7 years, but correctly for about 3 years. Because of my husband’s lack of faith/belief in NFP as well as my past lack of consistancy, he is not interested in continuing with it. We have 5 children and financially as well as emotionally agree that, at this point, we are at our limit. I would like to continue the most conservative NFP methods but he is terrified of another pregnancy and doesn’t feel that he can continue with it. He took a NFP class with me and has read/listened to the literature, but he still has huge reservations. I am feeling torn between loyalty to my faith and my husband. This is really putting a strain on our marriage. Any advice?

NFP isn’t putting a strain. Its your husband who is following a disordered understanding of his role and vocation as a husband and father. I am not able to point to specific resources because I have only begun to reject my own selfishness and heresy of contraception.

Marital Chastity might be in order to develop the Christian love of husband and wife. Then after a time NFP could be started again. I’m not a fan of NFP because if the concept is the same as contraception than it is being done in error. This must always be avoided.

 

[PrayTwice]

Lewis:

I am feeling torn between loyalty to my faith and my husband. This is really putting a strain on our marriage. Any advice?

I don’t know how helpful this will be as I suppose it will seem obvious, but given that I’ve been (and still am, rather painfully so) in a position similar to yours I do have two suggestions, and one thought:

1. Speak to a priest! I waited way too long to do this, and it made a world of difference in my ability to cope, despite the ongoing problem. Ideally both of you would speak to one, but with or without your husband, I strongly suggest you do this.
2. Pray! - you’re probably already doing that but it’s worth repeating.

And, bearing in mind that I’m rather a wounded soul on this topic (so perhaps I’m too close to the situation and not sufficiently healed to be objective), I’ll offer this thought: you shouldn’t have to choose between your faith and your husband. Those are not supposed to be mutually exclusive concepts. But OTOH he may not know that that’s how you’re feeling. Let him know that you feel like you’ve been put in that position, which is a very difficult and painful one for you. Hopefully then you can resolve this together.

You have my prayers…

 

[debbie_m]

Lewis:

To shorten a long story, I have been practicing NFP for about 7 years, but correctly for about 3 years. Because of my husband’s lack of faith/belief in NFP as well as my past lack of consistancy, he is not interested in continuing with it. We have 5 children and financially as well as emotionally agree that, at this point, we are at our limit. I would like to continue the most conservative NFP methods but he is terrified of another pregnancy and doesn’t feel that he can continue with it. He took a NFP class with me and has read/listened to the literature, but he still has huge reservations. I am feeling torn between loyalty to my faith and my husband. This is really putting a strain on our marriage. Any advice?

I have been there myself. In a nutshell, when we have to choose between pleasing God or pleasing humans (even our husbands) God always comes first. It would never be God’s will for you to commit a mortal sin, for example going on or using artificial birth control. If your husband chooses to use condoms or whatever himself then that is his sin not yours. Also, if over time you could show him that you are able to be more consistant in your NFP observations, charting etc. then maybe he will change his mind.

May God bless and keep you.

With my love and prayers,
Debbie

 

[Ambrose]

My wife and I used NFP and had to recommit to the system after the birth of our second child which was a surprise. Extra abstinence at that time meant more frustration ect. The answer to our following the system then was that God blessed us with twins ! We had four kids in four years and went nuts for a while and decided to contracept. After all it wasn’t working for us - right ?

After several years, and yes we are in our late 40’s, God has a way of working on you and we went back to NFP, this time using the Creighton Method which is much more precise. We’ve never felt so blessed and close to God.!!

My wife realized she didn’t follow the other NFP method as closely as she should have and I thank God for my (our) guilty Catholic consciences which has brought us closer to him. I guess the bottom line here is to pray and be patient, make use of the sacraments and trust. It will work out, especially since God knows your intentions. NFP does work !

 

[manualman]

Methods such as the Billings Method which rely exlcusively on mucus symptoms.

Throwing old rythm concepts and (for most women) temperature into the mix just confuses things. The major downside to these methods is you can’t use nasal decongestants before peak time because they can alter the woman’s mucus patterns.

Done properly, mucus NFP methods are highly reliable, though certainly require a lot of discipline and abstainance time.

 

[St.Catherine]

Congratulations on your five children. What a blessing! When you are elderly you will be delighted with your five children while your neighbors will be lonely for only having had one or two children.

I recommend the Couple to Couple League (ccli.org) classes. I am assuming that you recently took those classes. Success of NFP requires motivation. It is perfectly effective. The Couple to Couple league and the organization One More Soul (omsoul.com) publishes many books and tapes that will help you fully embrace this teaching. One book I would recommend is Called to Give Life by Jason Adams. Of course, there is the “Contraception: Why Not?” tape by Janet Smith. The other basic good one is Scott Hahn’s conversion tape. You can get it at Saintjoe.com.

Your marriage covanent has a supernatural aspect. Which means openness to God’s graces blesses your marriage relationship in ways that you do not even know. Women who have been sterilized or have a husband that is sterilized have instantly “felt” their marriage die. They felt God’s grace being immediately removed from their marriage. Their marriage became more difficult in all areas, they lost interest in intimacy and often their husband’s turned to porn. Choosing God is not choosing God over your husband. You are choosing God for the benefit of your husband.

Our job as a spouse is to ensure that our spouse achieves salvation. Being a party to moral sin does not fit into that plan. Period.

Also, as the wife, you will naturally carry more of the NFP burden even if your husband helps with taking temperature and charting. You need to monitor your chart carefully. I recommend that you use the Sympto-thermal method of NFP because it gives you the temperature as a cross check. You will know without a doubt that ovulation has occurred and you will then have 10 to 14 days of a totally free period. Then you, as the wife, need to initiate with your husband. Hard to do when you have five children but you won’t regret it. On that note, read Dr. Laura’s book Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands. It will give you a perspective on your husband that you never ever considered.

I am also guessing that there are other areas of your family life and marriage relationship with issues and you are both using NFP as a lightening rod on which to blame your other challenges. For instance, are finances tight? Then read the book Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey (daveramsey.com). You can also take his evening classes entitled Financial Peace University. It will transform your life and give you freedom. You can also read the book entitled The Complete Tightwad Gazette. It will teach you ways to scrimp and save money and to live on less. Simplifying the way that we life is truly freeing. It isn’t the answer from all our problems but it does reduce stress considerably.

Also, depending on the age of your children you need to get them doing most of your chores so that you are not so tired at the end of the day. Also, do the children have a consistent bed time? Is there time at the end of the day for your husband and you to sit down talk and reconnect? If you still have babies in the house you both need to console yourself that this difficult time will pass. **We sometimes have to put off present pleasure for future returns. **

God Bless.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Thank you for posting this. The Church teaches that NFP may be used for serious reason. The woes of NFP frequently leave me wondering if it wouldn’t just be easier to raise more children. The problem you describe is more common than many may know.

I found the Vademecom for Confessors to be very helpful.www.saintjosephcathedral.org/vademecum.htm

Make sure you know the theology behind the Church teachings. But don’t try to pound these teachings into your husband’s head. (I think my husband still bears the wounds I inflicted on him.)Discuss them lovingly, or don’t discuss them at all. An overzelous wife trying to defend her chastity should let God defend her chastity.

PrayTwice suggested that you speak to a priest. I suggest you pray twice before doing this so that God directs you to the right priest. Sadly, some priests misguide couples on Church teachings in this matter.

Keep close to God in prayer. Care for your current children lovingly and offer that up to God as a prayer. St. Joseph, (the most chaste spouse of Mary), is a wonderful intercessor for husbands. I said a prayer to him for you and your husband. Please offer up your struggles for all of us who struggle together.

 

[ppcpilot]

I’m in the same boat…wife was contracepting…stopped after we decided to have a child. Wife is now pregnant, but I think she will get on ABC again, NFP maybe…she only ‘wants’ one kid. She’s the type that says if the Church won’t let me do ABC, then the Church can pay for all of my kids. I have a feeling I will be celibate after this kid is born.

She is just very stronged willed, and is a practicing Catholic. She has received absolution for her sins…but she thinks I’m ‘all religious’ and tells me she is not like that. She’s kind of indifferent on religion…thinks all are good, etc.

 

[St.Catherine]

I’m in the same boat…wife was contracepting…stopped after we decided to have a child. Wife is now pregnant, but I think she will get on ABC again, NFP maybe…she only ‘wants’ one kid. She’s the type that says if the Church won’t let me do ABC, then the Church can pay for all of my kids. I have a feeling I will be celibate after this kid is born.

She is just very stronged willed, and is a practicing Catholic. She has received absolution for her sins…but she thinks I’m ‘all religious’ and tells me she is not like that. She’s kind of indifferent on religion…thinks all are good, etc.

Dear ppcpilot,

I am so sorry to hear your story. It makes my heart ache. I think that you should obtain the Scott Hahn Conversion tape (www.saintjoe.com) for your wife to listen to. It is mostly about Catholic teaching and it is very motivational to lukewarm Catholics. Your wife’s problem is with Authority. She has a protestant mindset (choose for myself what to believe). I would also encourage you to obtain the Janet Smith “Contraception; Why Not?” tape (www.omsoul.com). This is the most comprehensive review of this issue.

Has your wife considered breastfeeding? If so, the book Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing by Shelia Kippley (www.ccli.org) is excellent. Using ecological breastfeeding delays the return of cycles for an average of 14 months (otherwise you can expect them back in 6 weeks to 6 months).

The thing that your wife doesn’t get is that she has a husband that wants to respect her as a true woman. You don’t berate her into doing degrating things. That is one of the main gifts of Our Church’s teaching.

The other thing to do is to surround yourself with good Catholic couples and families. Their example speaks volumes. Your wife is going to need fellowship with these folks to endure the transition to motherhood. I met a wonderful family when I moved to Indianapolis that is involved with the Apolstolate for Family Consecration (Catholic Family Land). They host a local family holy hour. They also invited us to brunch.

The other is to buy some parenting books that definitely hold the Catholic view, like Parenting with Grace by Greg Popcak. Or anything from Scott and Kimberly Hahn.

Good luck and God’s blessings. You will be amazed how much parenting can change a person. It is truly a spiritual transformation. Seriously, start inviting good Catholic families over or join their groups. They will shower your wife with love and assistance during the transition. I found it invaluable to have an experienced Mom to call when I didn’t know how to handle something with my baby.

 

[Island_Oak]

St.Catherine:

The other thing to do is to surround yourself with good Catholic couples and families. Their example speaks volumes…

Tough to do nowadays…almost everyone we socialize with in our parish (which represents quite a large number of people) has an above average sized family (3-6 kids)* and* has undergone some form of permanent sterilization about which they are very open and unconflicted. From our experience, it seems to be the “enlightened” and prevalent view held by a huge number of 30-40 year old Catholics.

 

[felra]

Island Oak:

Tough to do nowadays…almost everyone we socialize with in our parish (which represents quite a large number of people) has an above average sized family (3-6 kids)* and* has undergone some form of permanent sterilization about which they are very open and unconflicted. From our experience, it seems to be the “enlightened” and prevalent view held by a huge number of 30-40 year old Catholics.

Why so tough to do nowadays as in former generations? I turn these proportions of disobediant Catholics on the head and would see this as a golden ooportunity to be the lamp on the hill, the salt of the earth. This may very well why God has you in that particular parish. Once I got over the uncomfortableness of running against the current of prevailing trends and started putting pleasing God first, those more “astute” and “enlightened” Catholics no longer impress/intimidate me. When the opportunity presents, I matter of factly hold up my badge of obediance to their badge of disobediance and let God do the convicting.

 

[gardenswithkids]

St.Catherine, those are wonderful suggestions! Parenting can truly help make us better people. The built in delay of ovulation from breastfeeding provides some time for new parents to examine Church teachings without worry of pregnancy.

But I agree with Island Oak that it’s tough to find those other Catholic friends. Some Catholics think that sterilization isn’t against church teachings because it’s somehow less “artificial” than latex or pills. Yikes! Again, if we learn the theology behind the Church teachings it so much easier to see the beauty of those teachings. (And sterilization is against Church teachings unless it’s part of say something like a hysterectomy for cancer, in case any of you reading this didn’t know.)

Yet if the couples are fighting every month about NFP, sterilization may be attractive to one of the spouses. Since those sterilized spouses may not have ever understood *why *the Church frowned on birth control, they go about with a clear (albeit malformed) conscience telling everyone about how they mutilated their body.

St. Joseph, pray for us!

---

Mommies change the world one diaper at a time.

 

[Island_Oak]

felra:

Why so tough to do nowadays as in former generations? I turn these proportions of disobediant Catholics on the head and would see this as a golden ooportunity to be the lamp on the hill, the salt of the earth. This may very well why God has you in that particular parish. Once I got over the uncomfortableness of running against the current of prevailing trends and started putting pleasing God first, those more “astute” and “enlightened” Catholics no longer impress/intimidate me. When the opportunity presents, I matter of factly hold up my badge of obediance to their badge of disobediance and let God do the convicting.

Excellent points about the opportunity to serve as the “lamp on the hill,” though I wasn’t suggesting that I found this prevalence of sterilization intimidating or particularly impressive. Rather, I was pointing out that finding refuge, in the sense of support for adopting an obedient Catholic lifestyle, as suggested in St. Catherine’s post, is not always as easy as signing up at your local parish!

 

[St.Catherine]

Island Park,

I have never had trouble finding these good conservative Catholic families that practice NFP and I have moved 10 times in the last 10 years!

The first step to finding them is picking the right parish. I have some standards that I follow when selecting my parish (Cruxifix, prominent tabernacle, kneelers that are used, pro-life activities in the parish). This usually guarantees me not only a good priest but also good parishioners. Once I have a good parish, I go to daily mass when possible and look into the Moms group or bible study offerings. I look at the other parishioners and take note of the type of activities I see them at. For instance, the people with more than the usual number of children, they actually come to daily mass, and they may even be home schoolers. I also look at the bumper stickers on the cars in the parking lot. That usually speaks volumes.

For instance, when we met a great family in Indianapolis, we were actually visiting a parish that was not our own. We saw a family pull in with a very large van with a Catholic Family Land bumper sticker. My husband felt urged by the Holy Spirit to talk to this family. My husband walked right up to the father in this family and introduced himself and explained that we used to live in Steubenville and were thus familar with Catholic Familyland. He invited us to sit with his family in the front row (six kids with one on the way). After mass they invited us over to brunch. Then they invited us to a family holy hour where we met other good Conservative Catholic families.

I have gotten into contact with Couple to Couple teacher couples to get to know them and meet other “like minded families”. I also join the Catholic Home School group (even though I do not home school…yet). They usually have great activities for Moms and kids.

I have also taken part in activities put on by Ragnum Christi (national organization).

I also join pro-life groups and attend pro-life prayer events or picketing events at Abortion Clinics. I always meet great people at these events.

Having just moved from Ohio to the Indianapolis area, I am still in the process of getting established and meeting new friends. One thing that was helpful was that a Legionaires priest that we knew in Ohio, called me and gave me names and phone numbers of families in my area that were involved with Ragnum Christi. I knew of one of the ladies (she is a published author) and I had seen her at Church but I had not formally met her het. This priest urged me to call her. Anyway, I took a part time job this Christmas at a drug store. I saw her shopping in my store a couple times. I felt urged by the Holy Spirit to talk to her and tell her that Fr. had told me to call her. Anyway, I talked myself out of it but when she was checking out at my register, I suddenly didn’t have any other custormers and she was buying candles for her advent wreth. I commented on the candles. Then I told her my name and that Fr. wanted me to call her. She lit up immediately, pulled out a pen and paper and gave me her phone number and told me to call her soon. I told her I would call after the holidays.

Once I have a supportive group around me I can then reach out to those not totally on board with Church teaching. This also means that I do not generally join groups that are not in line with Church teachings. I have a limited amount of time for outsided activities so I have to be selective. I also do not want bad morals corrupting my morals or my children’s morals. I guess that is my perogative.

Anyway, that is how I find good families to be friends with. Conservative Catholic families generally understand how they need to be supportive of each other. I hope this helps others.

 

[johnnyjoe]

Lewis,

Congratualations on the 5 children…what a gift from God. And on still being married…we have to remind ourselves just how unique that is in this culture.

I wish I could offer insightful advice…the only thing that comes to mind is a novena to St. Therese. She has a proven track record for moving hearts, and your husband needs a shower of roses.

I, as an NFP instructor, have witnessed the reluctant male spouse syndrome up close and personal. The man who will not support his wife in the practice of NFP invites all kinds of mischief into his home, but as St. Monica’s life is attest to, God listens to the prayers of mothers. I would add that your gift to your husband may include some chastity enforced by your efforts. He may grumble, but at least he can’t force you to take a pill.

Do find some support for the practice of NFP, if nothing else. Go to a CCL chat site, or contact a CCL teaching couple directly for support. For that matter, email me through this site, and I will do what I can to support you. Your husband will accept your leadership, but it will be a cross made heavier for you. I will pray for your steadfastness…and as St. Therese to butt in for your husband…

 

[Island_Oak]

You are CLEARLY a much finer and more devout person than I could ever hope to be!! Some great suggestions and pointers, nontheless. I seem always to favor the sentiment voiced by the great Billy Joel…“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints…the sinners are much more fun…and only the good die young!!” I’ve encountered some in the homeschool, conservative Catholic crowd and I’m way out of my element. A mix of baby steps and missteps…but I’ll find my way eventually.

 

[St.Catherine]

Island Oak,

I know what you mean about certain people. However, I guess you can say that there are two groups of Catholic home schoolers. All mean well but one set is more of the “Traditionalist leaning” which means that they are generally more cranky and focus too much on what is wrong in the Church. The other group loves the Church and the Pope and they also love their lifestyle. You can feel their energy and happiness and it is contagious. I have made a point of avoiding cranky and pathetic acting people. They are a real turn off for me.

I have sometimes gone to certian events and I leave laughing to my husband saying, “you know it is not often that I am in a group of people where I am the most liberal person present.” You will find both types of these people in any conservative leaning parish. You will naturally gravitate to the ones that are full of the love of Christ and who set an example without even trying (if you know what I mean).

Others have given you the suggestion to pray to St. Monica, St. Theresa, and to St. Joseph. These are great suggestions. I love St. Joseph in regards to praying for husbands. He has been particularly helpful in my life.

By the way, I am certianly not more devout (I think that comment was directed at me). I have lots of head knowledge on the Church but I struggle with the actions. I wish I went to adoration more. I wish I could get up earlier and go to daily mass and I wish that I truly trusted God to provide for my needs instead of always trying to take things into my own hands.

 

[Island_Oak]

St.Catherine:

Island Oak,

I know what you mean about certain people. However, I guess you can say that there are two groups of Catholic home schoolers. All mean well but one set is more of the “Traditionalist leaning” which means that they are generally more cranky and focus too much on what is wrong in the Church. The other group loves the Church and the Pope and they also love their lifestyle. You can feel their energy and happiness and it is contagious. I have made a point of avoiding cranky and pathetic acting people. They are a real turn off for me.

Great point–I shouldn’t lump everyone together like I did–but give them and myself a chance to get to know them and their philosophy.

I have sometimes gone to certian events and I leave laughing to my husband saying, “you know it is not often that I am in a group of people where I am the most liberal person present.” You will find both types of these people in any conservative leaning parish. You will naturally gravitate to the ones that are full of the love of Christ and who set an example without even trying (if you know what I mean).

True again–and great advice about discerning as well as being open minded towards those who are conservative (unlike me) but full of love for God (the really important common ground).

Others have given you the suggestion to pray to St. Monica, St. Theresa, and to St. Joseph. These are great suggestions. I love St. Joseph in regards to praying for husbands. He has been particularly helpful in my life.

I have recently seen a lot on prayers to St. Joseph on behalf of our husbands and really would like to pursue that suggestion. Also, I am just becoming familiar with St. Monica as she is the patroness our our new parish!

By the way, I am certianly not more devout (I think that comment was directed at me). I have lots of head knowledge on the Church but I struggle with the actions. I wish I went to adoration more. I wish I could get up earlier and go to daily mass and I wish that I truly trusted God to provide for my needs instead of always trying to take things into my own hands.

Ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto. But you sound like you would be such an asset to a faith community. Thanks for opening my eyes a little!

 

[St.Catherine]

Island Oak,

Thank you for the kind comments. You are gracious.

You can get a novena to St. Joseph off the net. Either do a google search or check out ewtn.com. Just in case, a novena is a prayer you pray for nine consecutive days. I find them very effective. It also gives me great comfort because it really forces me to do something constructive with my worry.

God bless.