No, it's not "teenage rebellion"

[DarkLight]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.

But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.

But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

Because sometimes it is?

Edit: When I colored my hair in high school no one else was doing it so I wasn’t following the crowd and my mom allowed it so I’m not sure who I was rebelling against. My cousin had come back from England where she was finishing up her education/training to be a hair stylist. She came back with super short, platinum blonde hair that had a touch of blue at the temple on one side and on the “sideburn” on the other. I thought it looked cool and got out the food coloring. When my cousin saw what I did she gave me her hair color; professional stylists don’t really like people using food coloring, kool-aid, etc.

 

[mommamaree]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.

But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

I think some parents have a hard time remembering that their child is a separate person. The choices their child makes reflect upon them as parents, in their thinking, so if they disagree with their child’s choices, it causes them discomfort or even mental anguish. They do not understand that their child is simply making choices that suit them, not their parents, and that it is not done out of rebellion, but simply because their child is actually not the same person as their parent is.
I know how difficult it can be. I was repeatedly accused of rebellion and was often punished for things that I chose to say or do that my parents disagreed with, despite the fact that the thing itself was not wrong for any other reason than that my parent (mostly mother) wanted me to make a different choice. I got slapped and grounded an awful lot for minor differences of opinion. That led me to not trust my parents at all.
Dying one’s hair (provided the child is old enough to responsibly accomplish it), piercing ears, selecting outfits, hair cuts, etc. are not going to be points of contention in our house. I do have two major rules, however, which I think are reasonable. I want my children to dress appropriately for the occasion (swimsuits are great at the pool, formal dresses for social dances, ratty clothes for working/playing outside, clean and nice clothing for going out of the house), and I want them to learn how to coordinate clothing types and patterns (as in stripes clash with plaid and you don’t wear sneakers with formal wear).
Even getting tattoos, provided the child is of legal age (18), is outside of my jurisdiction. I say this as a person who got a tattoo at age 20, not because of rebellion, but because I really wanted a pretty butterfly tattoo.
Sometimes, the assumption of teenage rebellion is correct. Many times, however, that charge is leveled at adolescents by parents or other grownups because they want to be able to control the grown child, but find that they cannot.

 

[devoutchristian]

Because many people are ageist.

 

[FrancisBenedict]

or maybe they remember when they were that age too & have seen it all before!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.

But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

Because we’ve been that age, and we know.



Seriously, though, not everything a kid wants to do is rebellion. Rebellion is a rejection of rules, and it’s got another profile entirely.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.

But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

“Rebellion” – I don’t like it and no one else does that.
“Follow the crowd” – I don’t like it when they do it and I’m not going to like it if you do, either.

When they don’t like it but they realize it is your decision after all, then they say, “Well, I don’t like it, but it’s your life.” If the adults you know don’t say that, then maybe they just don’t cope with people who aren’t “wise” enough to do what those people think they ought to! With my mom, it was “oh, you don’t want to do that.” It wasn’t a fight or anything. She seemed to think that I could not possibly want what she wouldn’t want if she were in my shoes. If I did something else, she was kind of bewildered by it. This went on pretty much forever.

 

[Auntie_A]

Most people just follow the beaten path; it is safe, tried and true. When someone does something different at any age it makes some people uncomfortable. It must be something primal. Some children get very upset when their mom cuts or dyes her hair or when their dad shaves his mustache.

My mother was shocked when we did NOT “rebel” in our teens. She considered it an important part of life development to express individuality.

A doctor once told me that people are terrified if you do something different before age 55. After 55 they consider you a charming eccentric.

 

[landon13]

I didn’t “rebel” as a teenager and I wish I kinda did. Haha. I didn’t like experiment with being a kid and do the normal kid like stuff. My parents would have totally taken it as teen rebellion, though.

Blessings!

 

[Country_Gal]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.
.
But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

It’s hard for parents to let go and see their young start to make their own choices. That causes a lot of the friction during those years. Hopefully, eventually, Mom and Dad can accept their children and independent adults who are now living their own lives.

I have 5 adult kids, and the youngest is 17. I don’t agree with them on anything. One thing I’m glad for is that everyone is financially responsible for themselves and living worthily lives with integrity and purpose.

My daughters started putting a little Sun-In spray to keep their blond hair from turning dirty blond. They pay for it themselves and it looks very natural. They have a great sense of style without looking inappropriate. I’m thankful for that.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

“Rebellion” – I don’t like it and no one else does that.
“Follow the crowd” – I don’t like it when they do it and I’m not going to like it if you do, either.

When they don’t like it but they realize it is your decision after all, then they say, “Well, I don’t like it, but it’s your life.” If the adults you know don’t say that, then maybe they just don’t cope with people who aren’t “wise” enough to do what those people think they ought to! With my mom, it was “oh, you don’t want to do that.” It wasn’t a fight or anything. She seemed to think that I could not possibly want what she wouldn’t want if she were in my shoes. If I did something else, she was kind of bewildered by it. This went on pretty much forever.

Seriously? No. :dts:

Rebellion is a kid who gives you the middle finger and leaves the house without telling you where he’s going or when he’s coming back. Rebellion is a kid who steals your stuff. Rebellion is a kid whose GF sneaks him out in the middle of the night to go and have sex. I could go on, but that’s the direction things head in when a kid is in true rebellion.

Parents who think a kid dying his hair blue or wearing a hoodie is rebellion, should get a clue. I could ship them a clue.

 

[PatriceA]

Seriously? No. :dts:

Rebellion is a kid who gives you the middle finger and leaves the house without telling you where he’s going or when he’s coming back. Rebellion is a kid who steals your stuff. Rebellion is a kid whose GF sneaks him out in the middle of the night to go and have sex. I could go on, but that’s the direction things head in when a kid is in true rebellion.

Parents who think a kid dying his hair blue or wearing a hoodie is rebellion, should get a clue. I could ship them a clue.

Some people just have a different style, at any age, doesn’t mean its teenage rebellion. Could mean they are destined for a career in the fashion world, art world, advertising/marketing, etc.

 

[Allegra]

Well, if the “kid” is actually a kid, and they are breaking the rules, they might have a point. However, if the “kid” is actually grown, some “adults” use this kind of line as a backhanded way of expressing disapproval at a situation they have no control over. My mother used this one a lot, although her version was more like, “Whatever. You’re just doing this to tick me off.”

 

[stephe1987]

I think it depends on what they’re doing… hair color isn’t going to do much except maybe make it so you won’t get the job you’re applying for (if it’s not a natural hair color) and some schools don’t allow that because it can be distracting. But other things teens and young adults do (sex, drugs, getting drunk) are extremely short-sighted not to mention spiritually damaging. Their brains aren’t fully developed until their mid to late 20’s and sadly the last part to develop is the part that helps them see the future consequences of their actions.

Parents need to remember to allow their kids to have a reasonable amount of freedom to be who they are, but to also give them boundaries. The small amount of freedom will make it so they don’t resent their parents and truly rebel (get into serious trouble) when they become of legal age. The boundaries will help instill values of right and wrong and give them a sense of responsibility for their actions. Too many parents of child stars didn’t give their kids any boundaries growing up and now they’re having serious problems as young adults. Lindsay Lohan. Miley Cyrus. Amanda Bynes.

You plan, God laughs. Each child is his or her own person and God has a plan for each one. Planning to send you kid to a particular university, or planning your kids’ career path usually does not work. Let your kids decide what college they want to go to and what career they want. And also allow vocational discernment: not everyone is called to marriage and some parents are too hung up on wanting grandkids instead of letting their kid decide if marriage is even their vocation… maybe they are called to religious or consecrated life.

 

[DarkLight]

Well, if the “kid” is actually a kid, and they are breaking the rules, they might have a point. However, if the “kid” is actually grown, some “adults” use this kind of line as a backhanded way of expressing disapproval at a situation they have no control over. My mother used this one a lot, although her version was more like, “Whatever. You’re just doing this to tick me off.”

Yup. It’s sort of amusing with my mother, given that I’m 25. I think she’s still dead convinced that my hair and clothing are my way of rebelling against her.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yup. It’s sort of amusing with my mother, given that I’m 25. I think she’s still dead convinced that my hair and clothing are my way of rebelling against her.

Your mother has failed to separate herself from you. It is usually the child’s task to separate from the parent, but sometimes, the parent fails to allow this process in his/herself, and so, takes everything personally. What a pity, because she could be getting to know you as the wonderful individual you are now, not some image she has of you as a much younger person.

 

[EasterJoy]

Seriously? No. :dts:

Rebellion is a kid who gives you the middle finger and leaves the house without telling you where he’s going or when he’s coming back. Rebellion is a kid who steals your stuff. Rebellion is a kid whose GF sneaks him out in the middle of the night to go and have sex. I could go on, but that’s the direction things head in when a kid is in true rebellion.

Parents who think a kid dying his hair blue or wearing a hoodie is rebellion, should get a clue. I could ship them a clue.

I wasn’t referring to real rebellion. I was referring to parents or other relatives who think that everything you do that they don’t want you to do is either rebellion or conformity with the nitwit leaders of your peer group.

I’d buy that “I’ll do what I want to do, and if I have to lie to you in order to get the freedom that I think I deserve at my age, so be it” is rebellion, but stealing your parent’s stuff is not simple rebellion. Stealing is stealing, whether it is your parents or an employer you hate or some stranger who has offended you by having more than you do.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I’m just sort of curious - why do some adults feel the need to chalk everything a young person does up to rebellion or wanting to follow the crowd or something? I wanted to dye my hair for ages. Mom was staunchly against it. I finally did it in grad school. Looks fine, I get a lot of compliments.

But I’ve noticed this tendency a lot. Any time I wear or do something that’s not normal business expected, it’s either “rebellion” or wanting to “follow the crowd.” Why?

I think what you’re saying is very interesting and deserves consideration. I do think that always chalking things up to age or rebellion makes young people feel disrespected. It kind of says, “Hey, you’re not a person with feelings and your own interests; you’re just a teen-ager.” My dad is a really nice, mellow guy, but I think he sometimes did this with me. My mom always treated my whims more as part of my personality, which I greatly respected. And a lot of my teenage interests are still my adult interests. I was always a little nerdy and artsy, but concerned with success, academia, fashion, etc. I had a weird sense of humor as a teen, and I still do now. I always absolutely hated when people said that things were just a phase. Some things were, but there’s no need to keep classifying it as such. People are people with interests and desires all through life.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I wasn’t referring to real rebellion. I was referring to parents or other relatives who think that everything you do that they don’t want you to do is either rebellion or conformity with the nitwit leaders of your peer group.

I’d buy that “I’ll do what I want to do, and if I have to lie to you in order to get the freedom that I think I deserve at my age, so be it” is rebellion, but stealing your parent’s stuff is not simple rebellion. Stealing is stealing, whether it is your parents or an employer you hate or some stranger who has offended you by having more than you do.

Well, I don’t think rebellion is simple, having gone through it and come out the other side. It’s a lot of things, and can take a lot of different forms. The root cause is a heart that has turned away from God, and that heart can then grow cold and hard and not inform the mind on the proper course to take. So stealing can be a symptom of the root cause. Lying can also be a symptom. Of course these things can also be symptoms of other breakdowns in the conscience.

Anyway, not to stray too far off-topic. I think parents should consider these things as the child grows up, and not simply put everything down to rebellion or conformism.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, I don’t think rebellion is simple, having gone through it and come out the other side. It’s a lot of things, and can take a lot of different forms. The root cause is a heart that has turned away from God, and that heart can then grow cold and hard and not inform the mind on the proper course to take. So stealing can be a symptom of the root cause. Lying can also be a symptom. Of course these things can also be symptoms of other breakdowns in the conscience.

Anyway, not to stray too far off-topic. I think parents should consider these things as the child grows up, and not simply put everything down to rebellion or conformism.

Yes, I agree–both that a) “rebellion” with regards to parents exists on a continuum between the forceful claiming of adult independence in defiance of parental resistance all the way to gravely sinful spurning of all boundaries, sometimes for no other reason than that they are boundaries and that b) even the truly rebellious child will sometimes act out of motives and precipitating causes other than rebellion. It hurts a child very much to be so associated with their worst (or most opposed) motives that the parent ceases to see them through any other lens. (Really, it hurts a child even to be viewed through a one-dimensional lens that is overwhelmingly “positive.” No one likes to be reduced to a paper cut-out, but especially not someone who is establishing their own identity.)

Having said that, grave sin in a person with an informed conscience can’t simply be chalked up to a “phase”: *A fair face will wither; a full eye will wax hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the moon; or, rather, the sun and not the moon; for it shines bright, and never changes, but keeps his course truly. *(Henry V, Act V, scene II)