No More Wedding Ring

[Lexee15]

Is it morally okay not to wear your wedding ring? My husband decided he wasn’t going to wear his anymore, he stopped wearing it when we separated in December of last year, then when we got back together he complained that the design bothered him (he did have small blisters) so I took that one in and got him a different one, that one didn’t do either. We’ve been to jewelry stores and he doesn’t seem to find anything he likes, yeah whatever

Anyway, anyone who knows my story knows that he’s continuing to have multiple affairs, doesn’t come home, is addicted to gambling and alcohol…and it seems to sex also, etc. I decided that I wasn’t going to wear mine either. I don’t want to, I don’t feel married, I certainly am not living a marriage. I just don’t want or feel like wearing it anymore, it feels almost hypocritical to do so, like I’m trying to represent my life as something that it’s not, it’s a lie. Am I wrong in not wearing it anymore, do I have some moral obligation to wear my wedding ring if I am still married?

 

[Della]

Your wedding ring represents your marriage vows that like a circle ought to never end, and neither should your love for each other. You are not obligated to wear it, though, and in your circumstances, I probably wouldn’t either. It seems to me, correct me if I’m wrong, that your husband never intended to keep his wedding vows. If that is the case, you may not have a sacramental marriage. Would your husband fight an annulment? If not, then I’d apply for one if I were you and get legally divorced. If he says he would fight an annulment ask him why since it is obvious he has no intention of keeping his vows that he made before God and the Church’s representative. Or wouldn’t he care anymore?

 

[LSK]

Lexee15:

Is it morally okay not to wear your wedding ring? My husband decided he wasn’t going to wear his anymore, he stopped wearing it when we separated in December of last year, then when we got back together he complained that the design bothered him (he did have small blisters) so I took that one in and got him a different one, that one didn’t do either. We’ve been to jewelry stores and he doesn’t seem to find anything he likes, yeah whatever

Anyway, anyone who knows my story knows that he’s continuing to have multiple affairs, doesn’t come home, is addicted to gambling and alcohol…and it seems to sex also, etc. I decided that I wasn’t going to wear mine either. I don’t want to, I don’t feel married, I certainly am not living a marriage. I just don’t want or feel like wearing it anymore, it feels almost hypocritical to do so, like I’m trying to represent my life as something that it’s not, it’s a lie. Am I wrong in not wearing it anymore, do I have some moral obligation to wear my wedding ring if I am still married?

I agree with Della…it doesn’t sound to me as though you have a valid marriage…I am not sure you ever did…consult a Priest and start the paperwork…you and your child deserve a real life.

And I am so sorry…this must be horribly painful for you. You are in my prayers.

 

[ceceswa]

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. My husband and I are seperated and will file for divorce in September 06( in VA you have to be seperated a year). I stopped wearing my wedding ring about a month ago I think because I also felt like a sham. My priest gave me a diamond ring to wear to signify that I am married to Christ while I go through the annulment and everything else. Some people assume it’s a wedding ring and I let them believe what they want.
The main reason I wanted to write to you is because I saw that you’re expecting. Is your husband excited about the baby at all? Are you not divorcing him because you’re scared for you and your child’s livelyhood? God will see you through this. I will pray for you.

 

[Lexee15]

ceceswa:

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. My husband and I are seperated and will file for divorce in September 06( in VA you have to be seperated a year). I stopped wearing my wedding ring about a month ago I think because I also felt like a sham. My priest gave me a diamond ring to wear to signify that I am married to Christ while I go through the annulment and everything else. Some people assume it’s a wedding ring and I let them believe what they want.
The main reason I wanted to write to you is because I saw that you’re expecting. Is your husband excited about the baby at all? Are you not divorcing him because you’re scared for you and your child’s livelyhood? God will see you through this. I will pray for you.

No, he’s not excited, at least I certainly didn’t see any excitement coming from him. I told him and asked him what he planned on doing and he said to be responsible, I said what does that mean. He said that the baby would have everything he needed, I said except a home, love and a father right…money buys everything doesn’t it? He didn’t say anything…he seems to think that the only thing we need to be happy is money. We also have a six month old son that he doesn’t spend much time with either and he lives under the same roof.
My husband has 4 other children from several women whom he NEVER sees. Of course he didn’t show this side of him before we married, and if those children didn’t tug at his heartstrings why would these?
I’m not divorcing quite yet because he’s entered therapy and I want to see how things go, but my inclination is to separate. I won’t deal with his behavior if it continues like this while I’m pregnant, I don’t need it. I was scared at first to make this decision, not because I don’t think that I can do it I just felt overwhelmed at the thought of being a single mother, it wasn’t in my plans. It also saddened me to think that I was giving up on my marriage on the man I love, but all of the sudden all of that went away. I know I’ll be okay, I will live a happy fullfulling life with or without him

 

[Lexee15]

You are not obligated to wear it, though, and in your circumstances, I probably wouldn’t either. It seems to me, correct me if I’m wrong, that your husband never intended to keep his wedding vows.

I don’t think he intended to keep his vows either, and to tell the truth I really believe that he was seeing other women before we got married, I also know for sure that he had addictions before we married but I didn’t know about them, he hid that also.

If that is the case, you may not have a sacramental marriage.

I don’t feel like I have a sacramental marriage, I don’t think he has a clue what it is to be married.

Would your husband fight an annulment? If not, then I’d apply for one if I were you and get legally divorced.

I honestly don’t think he would fight an annulment, why would he, he doesn’t want to be married anyway, just like I don’t think he would fight a divorce.

If he says he would fight an annulment ask him why since it is obvious he has no intention of keeping his vows that he made before God and the Church’s representative. Or wouldn’t he care anymore?

Even if he doesn’t fight the annulment I still plan on asking why he married me since he never intended on keeping his vows. It makes no sense to me, if he wanted to be with other women why would he tie himself down to one and then commit adultry…I don’t get it

 

[Courtneyjo]

I am so sorry for your situation but it sounds like you’re developing the plans to move on with your life. Counseling may help your husband understand his motivations and addictions, but he has to want to change. God in his mercy may hit him upside the head, or then again your husband may have to hit rock bottom and realize that his life is not working.

When you married your husband hid the fact that he had children with other women?

He may have married because he wanted to look respectable, and wanted legitimate children. Perhaps it was a cry for help and he thought marriage would settle him down. Then again, it may have just been a power play; he gets a thrill from carrying on with multiple partners, what a thrill to pull one over on his wife. But you were too smart for him. I hope that you’re being tested for STDs, especially with the pregnancy.

I know women who’ve had children as a result of an attempt at reconciliation with an adulterous husband. The new baby will be a blessing to you, just as the first is.

 

[Lexee15]

Courtneyjo:

I am so sorry for your situation but it sounds like you’re developing the plans to move on with your life. Counseling may help your husband understand his motivations and addictions, but he has to want to change. God in his mercy may hit him upside the head, or then again your husband may have to hit rock bottom and realize that his life is not working.

You’re right, he has to want a change, he’s going to therapy because his employer is pretty much forcing him to go. He’s been missing work and very important events (he’s a well known radio personality in our area) and the boss is not taking his excuses anymore. I hope he takes advantage of this opportunity, he’s seeing a very good therapist. As far as the rock bottom thing goes, I don’t know, he has money, makes very good money and as long as that’s the case he’ll have no problem feeding all his addictions including the women. Rock bottom usually means broke too, so if we wait for rock bottom it won’t come for a very long time.

When you married your husband hid the fact that he had children with other women?

I knew about the kids, he also was dealing with paternity issues, he’s still not sure if a couple them are his…it doesn’t matter though, they probably are. I didn’t know about this behavior that’s he’s exhibiting now, he protrayed himself as someone who had made mistakes but wanted to have a family and a home…boy did he make a fool of me.

He may have married because he wanted to look respectable, and wanted legitimate children. Perhaps it was a cry for help and he thought marriage would settle him down. Then again, it may have just been a power play; he gets a thrill from carrying on with multiple partners, what a thrill to pull one over on his wife.

I think you’re right about this, whatever the reason may be it certainly wasn’t to be a faithful husband in all aspects of the word.

But you were too smart for him. I hope that you’re being tested for STDs, especially with the pregnancy.

I did get tested before I got pregnant, when I found out about the first three affairs, now I’m sure I’ll get tested again when I see my ob. And I am too smart for him, he thinks he can play me or that I’ll never know what’s going on…he forgot he married me because I was intelligent .

I know women who’ve had children as a result of an attempt at reconciliation with an adulterous husband. The new baby will be a blessing to you, just as the first is.

That’s exactly how I see this baby, thanks .

 

[spiritblows]

Dear Lexee,
I just read of all your troubles and all I can say is, wow that sounds awfully stressful. I’m sorry you have to go through all this. It really sounds distressing and difficult and I wish I could do something to help. God Bless you!

 

[ceceswa]

Lexee15:

I know I’ll be okay, I will live a happy fullfulling life with or without him

I think that you still have enough confidence in yourself to be a strong independant woman, and you have to hold onto that. I don’t want to sound cruel, but he is going to bring you down with him if he doesn’t find God and change. One of the reasons that a woman will stay in an emotionally abusive relationship (that’s what you’re in) is because the man has brought them down so far that they end up believing that maybe they deserve the treatment or that they could never make it on their own.

Trust me I truly know where you’re coming from. When I was 7 months pregnant with my son my husband told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and the only reason he was sticking around was because we had kids (he’s a real winner). I’m going through the seperation now, and I’m scared, but I know God will see me through. I pray that you have enough faith in God and in yourself to come out on top of this situation. One of the things my priest asked me when I started counceling with him was “Do you honestly believe that God wants this for you, to be heartbroken?” I hope that you answer this question the same way I did. You are in my prayers.

 

[Lexee15]

ceceswa:

I think that you still have enough confidence in yourself to be a strong independant woman, and you have to hold onto that. I don’t want to sound cruel, but he is going to bring you down with him if he doesn’t find God and change. One of the reasons that a woman will stay in an emotionally abusive relationship (that’s what you’re in) is because the man has brought them down so far that they end up believing that maybe they deserve the treatment or that they could never make it on their own.

Trust me I truly know where you’re coming from. When I was 7 months pregnant with my son my husband told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and the only reason he was sticking around was because we had kids (he’s a real winner). I’m going through the seperation now, and I’m scared, but I know God will see me through. I pray that you have enough faith in God and in yourself to come out on top of this situation. One of the things my priest asked me when I started counceling with him was “Do you honestly believe that God wants this for you, to be heartbroken?” I hope that you answer this question the same way I did. You are in my prayers.

Thank you so much, you know at first I did feel like who’s going to want a divorced woman with a child ? How do I move on, I never wanted to be divorced, what about my children? And I also thought it was my fault that he was cheating, but recently finding out that this was going on before we married, it can’t be my fault. Even if it happened after we married, it’s not my fault he made the choice to break his vows. He made the choice to look outside the marriage instead of looking in and figuring out a way to work it out…that was too hard and took too much work. My husband is impulsive, an instant gratification type of guy…which I didn’t figure out until after marriage, so when things don’t go his way he drops it and moves on to what is easier…that’s who he is. I know God will lead the way, I know He will fill me with joy and consolation and He will never abandon me, thank you for your words and I’m so sorry you’re going through this also. It seems you’re feeling better about things though and I’m so glad glory to God. Hang in there and you are in my prayers also.

 

[Heart_Of_Mary]

A marriage is not made or broken by a ring. Personally I wuld find it difficult to present myself as happily married (wearing a ring) when I was most surely NOT in a good marriage. On a personal note, my husband rarely wears his wedding ring (only on a special occasion). This is mostly because of the type of work he does, but I think that the comfort issue is the biggest one…Never wore jewelery in his entire life…
KB

 

[Michelle_in_KC]

I think it’s ok not to wear a ring…depending on the reasons. My husband doesn’t wear his because it’s too big. He lost some excess weight early this year (around 25-30 pounds) and now his ring is too big and we haven’t had the time/money to get it sized. Maybe we’ll do that at Christmas or something. Anyway, he preferred not to wear it rather than lose it if it were to fall off somewhere.

 

[dhgray]

Hi Lexee,
To answer your basic question, “YES”, Is it morally okay not to wear your wedding ring.

Let me ask you a few questions:

• Do you feel lost and alone?
• Are you frustrated, hurt or angry, with each other?
• Are you constantly arguing or fighting?
• Have you thought about separation or divorce?
• Without the time or desire to communicate.
• Does talking about it only make it worse?
• You don’t know how to change or where to turn?

Any issue you have, you are not the first.

There are groups in the church which can help you.

Also in Chicago, there is a Catholic lay ministry called Couples for Christ (CFC Handmaids of the Lord for women-only). Contact me for more information…they helped save my marriage and many others.

I have also heard Retrouvaille is good…they have a conference coming up in the Chicago area Dec 2-4, 2005. Contact Russ and Cara Freund at 815-484-0284.

God Bless,
DHGray