No sadness at passing of my father, mother, or mother-in-law

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Larry1700

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This is something I obviously HATE to admit, but I found myself having no sadness when my father passed away, nor my mother-in-law, and not even my mother who passed away on Thanksgiving Day. I do have many regrets (I didn’t visit with them very often–perhaps once every week, as well as other things), but that’s not the same thing.

I have never been much of a conversationalist, and am not comfortable when trying to make conversation. I hate that about myself. I did want my wife (and granddaughters) to accompany me to visit my mother in the nursing home, but the granddaughters needed naps, or something else prevented them from going except for a few times.

I believe they’re in Heaven, or at least in Purgatory and will eventually be in Heaven, so I’m sort of hoping that’s the reason I’m not sad, but I really doubt it. I feel like a terrible, terrible person, and have frequently prayed that God will change my heart.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?
 
Larry1700 said:
Has anyone else had similar experiences?
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Not yet, but I have a nagging fear about it, about my grief being complicated or inadequate when my parents pass. Then I remembered that I have been genuinely sad when even the meanest relatives pass away and that seeing my children experiencing the loss of thier grandparents will likely make this fear unfounded.
 
Depends on how the relatives treated me in life. There is a saying that love never dies. It can and does under certain circumstances.
 
I have the fear that it will happen about one of my husbands family members, but I know that I will at least feel sad for my husband.
 
Yes, my sister died and I was sad but not enough. But I’ve been sad about her death for many years, a kind of long term mourning. My parents both died too and I was very sad when I first heard of my mother dying and then I felt the same way, sad but not enough but I’m still sad when I think of it. With my dad after twenty years I sometimes feel sad too but not that much at the time.

I wasn’t a Catholic when any of these people died but I still believed their souls lived on so it may have been that which helped mitigate my sense of loss, but it may also have been that with me it takes time to fully mourn. Perhaps I defend myself at the time but let it out over years instead.

I’ve done it that way with quite a few people I’ve known who died. Probably a coping mechanism. If you do this too I would suggest that it’s a normal thing, subconscious and a little beyond our control.
 
Grief impacts people differently.

The only reason I know my grandfathers death impacted me more than I felt was I ended up blocking my card. I don’t think that would have happened under ordinary circumstances. If I had not been shopping I would have honestly said that I was fine.

If feelings hit it tends to be later.

Also if they were ill you may have had a grieving process then.

Not crying or feeling sad doesn’t mean you didn’t love them.
 
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I’ve lost my parents, my in-laws, and my husband and based on those experiences, I think grief is a very individual thing and driven by a lot of coping mechanisms, including
  • your personality and the way you normally handle emotions
  • your relationship with the person when they were alive, especially when they were still in one piece
  • whether having them finally pass away relieved you of any significant responsibilities/ worries/ burdens of a physical, emotional or financial nature. I know that sounds awful, but when you are completely exhausted from trying to look after someone who is ill, deal with their personality and health issues, pay the bills, deal with the nursing home, and furthermore are feeling guilty a lot because you can’t be there for them 24/7, or it’s creating a tension with responsibilities to other family members, it would be a lie to say that them dying wasn’t a relief, especially if you believe strongly that they went to Heaven and are now once again their robust happy self
Also when someone is sick for a long time, often your grieving for a “lost” person starts well before they actually pass away, because the person you knew when healthy is disappearing and being replaced with someone who’s feeble, or childlike, or angry, or just not the person you knew as your parent or in-law or whoever. By the time they actually die, you might not have much grief left to expend.

If we believe strongly in the afterlife, and we think our loved one was saved (and are praying for them of course), then there’s nothing really to grieve about on their behalf because they’re going to a wonderful place. The grief is for us, because we miss them. And if we’d already been missing parts of them for years then we’ve been using up our grief over time.

We also always manage to find things to feel guilty about after someone dies and I wonder if this thing you “hate to admit” is just you finding a channel for the guilt.

In my case, talking to my confessor about the deaths of my mom and husband has generally helped me. I see different confessors and one or two of them didn’t give a very helpful response, but the vast majority (I’d say about 10 other priests) all had good and helptul things to say. I always believe that God inspires them in what they say in confession, so if this continues to bother you, maybe try that.

God bless, and don’t worry.
 
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Thank you but I wish I wasn’t such an “expert” on this stuff obviously.
Of course anything good I manage to say comes from God and he just uses me to type
 
Great comments, Tis_Bearself, and I feel ashamed to say that bullet 3 (financial issues, time) is one I particularly identify with. As for bullet one, I know I’ve been a very isolated person since I was young. I have always been impressed by folks who can easily carry on conversations and are comfortable around others, while I always struggle to find something to talk about.
 
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I wasn’t close to my father. My mother was always nice, giving, and complimentary to/about me. I’m sure I was not as appreciative of her as I should have been.
 
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