No time for us...

[CountryMom27]

My husband and I have been married eleven years, we have two kids ages 4 & 6, and we have elderly parents, one of whom has stage 4 cancer (and the other parent is the primary caretaker and has emotional issues of her own). We have siblings, who are not involved, and not local. So it is just, consistently, us. There are the usual financial pressures - pay cuts, I’m back at work part-time and we both work a lot. Plus the kids take up a lot of time and energy.

It seems like just when we start to recover, something happens and we have to jump into crisis mode. Either it’s work, or his parents, or my family,or the boys. But we, as individuals, and we as a couple come last, each time.

We have no time to make love, which frustrates me. We are both exhausted and spent, so I don’t push it. I very much want a third child, which we’ve talked about “talking about” but never have the time. Everyone else is higher on our list (including God) than us. Date night won’t even begin to cut it. I’m feeling very hopeless that this is the best things will get for us. We used to be so close and connected, and now, we are there for each other but that’s it.

I can’t even broach the subject of another child with him because he is just trying to get through the day.

I don’t even know where to turn. We saw a marriage counselor, and that went badly. He wanted to see my husband on his own to help him just cope - and then my husband stopped going, and that was that. I did all of this work with a counselor on my own in conjunction - paid $$ we didn’t have, spent time we didn’t have - and for what.

I’m so sad and depressed I don’t know what to do, and yet I cannot lean on him because he has nothing left to give.

 

[JohnDamian]

Condolences.

Firstly; if you have not already; it would be best if you could try and harmonise your working patterns; so when you both share the same working hours; so that for both of you; on your time off you are both there.

Secondly; if it is possible you could always telephone your siblings and see if they would look after your children for a few days - all it costs is a phone call and it could very well secure you four days or a week of peace and quiet. At the very worst; you are no worse off than before.

Thirdly; if you could make the time to go and see a counsellor (1 hour?) you can make the time to have a discussion with your husband - putting it off won’t make it easier.

Fourthly; It would be unusual if your Husband worked more than a seventy hour week; so unless he is a serious workaholic (if that is the case I do sympathise; I grew up in a household with a workaholic Father) you will be able to make time by putting children to bed earlier; or getting up earlier etc. Nonetheless; if you can both share the same weekend; just organise it so you don’t go out of the house at all on either Saturday or Sunday (except for mass). If you are hard pressed for time you cannot be expected to go rushing around helping everyone; you should try and make at least one day a week where you are both at home together.

 

[St_Francis]

Your youngest is finally at the age where he or she can start learning to play on his or her own, which means that if they play together nicely, you can let them stay in one room playing legos or something, and you and your husband can spend that time together. (If they fight a lot, then they each get a “quiet time” in their rooms where they can play on their own.)

We have a MP3 player and cassette converter, and my son still uses this to listen to stories which can be downloaded from various places but the main place we get them is Librivox. This is totally worth the $25 investment. (You can also use earhones, and save $10).

My parents had a schedule like this: Dad came home while Mom was cooking dinner and took a rest. Then the two of them sat together and chatted about things, unwinding together. We children were outside playing, doing homework, cleaning our rooms, whatever, but not there with them. Even if it’s only 30 minutes, it’s a big help! And on Saturday mornings, they slept in while we watched cartoons and fixed ourselves bowls of cereal. (You may want to modify that–the cartoons were a lot better back then!)

Sometimes we just need to find little periods of time when our children are younger and we need to teach them how to manage on their own for those short periods of time.

The other thing is that the unwinding period needs not to be a dumping period but a transition away from all that. I suspect that’s why my father took a nap; he worked very close to home so didn’t get all that out of his system before arriving. Working on praying our worries away rather than dumping them on other humans is helpful, altho my husband generally spends a bit of time long after his arrival home and unwinding time getting some stuff off his chest.

 

[Cat]

Forget the third child for now. This isn’t the right time. Put it on hold until the parent with Stage 4 Cancer passes. Just wait. Things will get better. A child right now would just increase all your stress. There is no guarantee about a new baby; he/she could be a dear, but he/she could have colic and scream for six months, or be one of those kids who has an ear infection every week for the first year of his/her life, or have some kind of special dietary need–honestly, you don’t need this right now. Later.

Ease off of your husband. A wife is supposed to be a helpmate to her husband. It is not his role. His role is to support and take care of the entire family. Praise him for doing this. Many men would have left long ago. It’s still possible that your husband may choose to ditch everything and just take off. So you have to create a loving, peaceful haven for him in the midst of all the stress.

It sounds to me like you or your husband might have some form of clinical depression. If this is the case, you or he WILL need medical help, either cognitive or drug therapy or both. Just keep your eyes open and read as much as you can about clinical depression. I may be wrong about this–it sounds like there is enough strife in your lives that the depression could well be justified; i.e., there is a reason for the depression. Don’t jump all over this right now. Wait. Be alert and be aware that the primary danger of clinical depression is suicide. If you feel after a few months of observation that you or your husband is clinically depressed, get to the doctor and get some treatment.

In the meantime, it sounds like “date night” is out of the question. Too bad. OTOH, one date every few weeks is not a cure-all, so stop focusing on it and regretting that you can’t do it right now.

**What you both need to do is stop focusing on large chunks of time and being resentful about the lack of time, and instead, grab the moments or even the seconds, to maintain your love affair with each other. **

Create tiny rituals, e.g., a good morning and good night kiss that lasts at least 10 seconds. (Someone has written a book about the benefits of one long kiss each day!)

Another tiny ritual is a daily note, just a short note on a post-it, not a long love letter. “Love you.” “You have a cute butt.” “God bless you today.”

Or cut out cartoons or jokes and put them where each of you will read them. Or pithy sayings, if you’d rather. Bible verses are excellent. You probably don’t have time to study the Bible right now (ha ha). But leave the Bible open to Proverbs or Sirach and read a verse or two a day. Some of the proverbs and verses in these books are actually kind of hilarious, and it will uplift both of you to laugh a bit.

Another tiny ritual is a daily treat. It doesn’t have to be expensive or big. A peppermint that your husband picks up from the local restaurant (free). A cup of coffee in the morning. Splitting a banana or a Coke a cola (if you can do Coke a cola) Raisin toast in the morning (or whatever you like). My husband and I have a bag of extremely dark chocolate, and we have a piece a few times a week; before we got into dark chocolate, it was Hershey’s kisses. Enjoy the treat together if possible, but it’s OK to enjoy it separately, too, as long as you associate the treat with your spouse.

Here’s an idea that can make a huge difference for both of you–pray for each other daily. If it’s not too much stress, try to establish a time each day when you will BOTH simultaneously pray for each other–just a quick, one-sentence prayer. Don’t stress over this–if you forget or miss the prayer time, it’s OK! One thing you do is light a candle at home and pray a prayer when you first light it–then whenever the candle is lit, the prayer continues.

FInally, and this is extremely important–as the wife, you need to look BEYOND your husband for support and fellowship and friendship. Dr. James Dobson, a clinical psychologist, has written quite a bit about a woman’s need for more “words” than her husband can give her. I can’t remember the numbers, but it turns out that a woman has a need for a huge number of words compared to how many words a man needs. So Dr. Dobson encourages women to develop a network of women friends who can chat with her and do lunch or coffee, and just be a “girlfriend” to her so that she can speak and listen to the number of words that she needs. I would strongly suggest that you follow Dr. Dobson’s advice and renew any friendships with women, or make new women friends. This will help you immensely to bear all the pressure and strife in your life, and it will lighten your load to just have “girl time” for a few minutes or longer every day. It’s also practical–a good girlfriend can perhaps be an emergency babysitter, or bring in a meal or nice treat, or just be there with a box of Kleenex when you need to have a good long cry.

Finally, try to find moments of peace in the midst of all the turmoil. This weekend, I was at home alone, and I heard a cacaphony of bird songs from outside. I peeked out onto my deck, and saw a half-dozen sparrows who had discovered that my dripping air-conditioner made a great shower. They were having such a good time! It lightened up my day, and reminded me that Jesus said, “God takes care of the sparrows and He will take care of His children.”

Look at the pretty flowers or trees as you drive to work. Or revel in the joy of air-conditioning during the hot weather. Enjoy the feeling of a good full stomach after a satisfying sandwich. Be blessed by the beauty of your children–they will never again look the way they look today, and in just a breath, they will be grown and gone. Look up at the sky and see the clouds. It’s a beautiful world, even though it is often dark and dreary.

Good luck to you.

 

[gmarie21]

While we don’t have the same meal on our plate, my husband and I do have opposite schedules (I’m gone M - Th from about 6 am and get home usually by 6:30 pm, much longer time away during snow season, he is a professional musician and usually works Fridays and Saturdays and spends all day Sunday just recovering - except for when we go to mass). We both come from large families that try to demand time from us also. ANd with little ones, it can be tough. I’m pregnant and due in less than two months and hubby will be on a tour overseas for two weeks in a month and two weeks after he returns, he’ll be on a weeklong tour taking him from South Dakota all the way down to Florida (mind you, this is trip will end 3 days before my due date ). We don’t have a lot of date nights, so what we do instead is make sacrifices for each other to squeeze in time (I go to bed an hour later one night per week to stay up and watch a movie and cuddle on the couch with him, he wakes up early once every other week to drive me to work). And of course, we call each other throughout the day.

 

[monicatholic]

on these threads, Cat and I approach many things from different, sometimes seemingly irreconcilable perspectives. but her post this morning saved me 20 minutes of typing tonight.

everything she offered was right on the money.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, Cat’s post was right on the mark.

I would also like to add to remember that “this too shall pass.”

There are phases of your married life where things will not be as we hoped or as we planned. Life has a way of coming along and throwing a monkey wrench into what we want to be doing. And so we need to adjust our expectations. Not forever, but at least for a while.

Maybe your “love life” is suffering. It won’t always be that way. It sounds like you really have lot going on right now. It can be overwhelming as you are pulled in so many directions. And perhaps because your love for each other is strong, you let the attention to yourselves slip because you are so exhausted. I agree with Cat that you need to keep up the little things that you can do. Make him his favorite meal, buy him a new cd or burn an album of “your” songs to listen to and make you feel connected.

I have a quote posted on our bedroom mirror. Perhaps you can find some comfort in it:

“No one can hurt you
if you are determined to do what is right;
if you do have to suffer for being good,
you will count it a blessing…
if it is the will of God that you should suffer,
it is better to suffer for doing good
than for doing wrong.”
3 Peter 13

At some point in our lives, I believe we would all benefit from counseling. Although your husband will not go, perhaps you would consider going, if only to have someone that would be able to help you and support you when you need to rant or hear with a different set of ears…

May God bless you and guide you in all that you do.