Nobody/boyfriend Pt. II

[LotusCarsLtd]

First and foremost keep on topic! If you want to deviate please go elsewhere! :thumbsup:

Anyway I looked at everybody’s advice and I am contemplating taking a break from dating while also working on various personal issues in an effort to improve myself as a person.

The problem is that all this seems very overwhelming ! One problem is that I don’t know where to start on my personal life, but I think speaking with my spiritual director should help with that. There just seem to be a lot of issues for me to work on and I don’t know how I’ll fix them all.

Another issue is with getting over the dating thing. I am not too fond of the idea of giving-up on dating for now but I can definitely see why it would be helpful. I just worry that I’ll end up still being single at 30 and having no luck at all. But what’s bothersome is that I am having trouble still with feeling sad when I see beautiful women around me or when I see couples out on the town, etc. And ideas on dealing with this? On trying to ignore them and focus more on my task (coming closer to Christ)?

I could also use advice on being patient and trusting Christ more. Ideas?

Pax Tecum.

 

[Patrick_Cox]

First and foremost keep on topic! If you want to deviate please go elsewhere! :thumbsup:

Anyway I looked at everybody’s advice and I am contemplating taking a break from dating while also working on various personal issues in an effort to improve myself as a person.

The problem is that all this seems very overwhelming ! One problem is that I don’t know where to start on my personal life, but I think speaking with my spiritual director should help with that. There just seem to be a lot of issues for me to work on and I don’t know how I’ll fix them all.

Another issue is with getting over the dating thing. I am not too fond of the idea of giving-up on dating for now but I can definitely see why it would be helpful. I just worry that I’ll end up still being single at 30 and having no luck at all. But what’s bothersome is that I am having trouble still with feeling sad when I see beautiful women around me or when I see couples out on the town, etc. And ideas on dealing with this? On trying to ignore them and focus more on my task (coming closer to Christ)?

I could also use advice on being patient and trusting Christ more. Ideas?

Pax Tecum.

Hi LotusCars

I read through your previous thread and noticed that there were a few people suggesting you make certain changes. I would like to qualify this a little:
Working on oneself is something we ALL need to do as each and every one of us are far from perfect in our own particular ways. But don’t become someone you are not in an effort to impress. Stay true to who YOU are! When you meet people (and potentially a future wife), it makes no sense to put on some form of improvised you. You need to present the REAL you from the moment of meeting that person. That way, you will know for sure that if a person takes a liking to you as a friend or as a potential partner, you KNOW that it is the real you they see good in.

There is far too much “artificiality” in our world. Don’t fall into the trap of becoming artificial yourself. Stay true to who you really are!

Personally I never met a “right” person for me until 2 years ago when I was 35. Within 8 months of meeting, we were married and I have never been happier. I now look back and realise that I wasn’t ready to be married in my twenties or even early thirties. God knows things we often miss, and I am now SO grateful that I waited until my late thirties - or should I more accurately say, that God made me wait until my late thirties.

One other thing, there is a difference between “happiness” and “fulfillment”. When you see other couples together, often they will look happy and it will sadden you that you don’t have this happiness in your life (right now). But happiness does not necessarily translate to fulfillment. Fulfillment is something much deeper and much more important - fulfillment is a deep inner peace of the soul, a sense of being completely happy with who YOU are, irrespective of the world and the circumstances around you. You seem to both understand and have the fortitude to stick with your faith, and recognise that, despite the fact that God seemingly has not answered your prayers (yet), God is still the means to your fulfillment in future. Let me tell you that in this day and age, if you can stick with God and stick to your faith with resilience, despite the fact that God, at times, seems not to be listening to you, you are nothing short of heroic! Right there, your fortitude in sticking to your faith shows an inner strength that one day a girl will recognise in you and will cherish!
Be proud of that inner strength you have - many people fall far shorter than you in their resilience!

Remember that God IS listening. God WILL reward your strength and fortitude in faith! I promise you this! You should be incredibly proud of your own strength of faith despite the hardships you are enduring. If you ever read up about the lives of the greatest saints that walked this earth, almost without exception they shared something in common: they SUFFERED tremendously in their own way, YET they stuck to their faith. And in doing this, whilst they may not have enjoyed much “happiness”, they were without doubt the most FULFILLED people on God’s earth. You should read up about some of them - they really do provide incredible examples to us!

Stick to your faith no matter what. Be true to who you are and what you believe. And I promise you that God’s rewards are waiting for you… just remember though… “in God’s time”…

Patrick

 

[Epistemes]

I don’t know whether my last post in your other thread was helpful at all - but I’ll offer what advice I can on this issue. It’s all about mindset, really, and the current cultural mindset which we’re all exposed to (not to mention the engrained biological mindset) is that man must have woman to find fulfillment. You have to change this mindset, which is slow and gruelling but possible.

First, you have to recognize and accept your sexuality for what it is: you are a man and you find women attractive. This is good. We guys are biologically very visual. We’re hard-wired to look for beauty, youth, health, and certain behavioral characteristics which are all outward physical things, and the last time I checked, lots of women are more than ready to demonstrate these physical “requirements.”

Second, recognize and realize that beautiful women are just that: women - *meaning *that they’re human - *meaning *that they’re fallible just like everyone else. Women have needs, ideas, thoughts, emotions, and the whole wellspring of human dynamism that you yourself have. Women are more than beautiful faces or even well-toned bodies: they are part of the social order with all its detriments and excitements. [This is an important realization, especially if you have a tendency to place women and relationships with women on a pedestal, as it were.]

Third, don’t be afraid to talk to anyone. This is really a subset of #2: beautiful girls are just human beings, not enchanted beings. The point here, though, isn’t to talk to girls with the primary focus of dating but to expand your social skills. If you fail and have an awkward social moment (which you definitely will) don’t feel ashamed or stupid or defeated (which can be hard, I know) but learn from it without being overly self-critical nor without placing “getting a date” as your primary goal. Again, this is about improving your social skills and removing that barrier (and tension) between yourself and women.

This step is also important for the very reason that we guys have a tendency to put on our “alpha male strut” in front of beautiful girls, hoping they’ll take interest in how we walk confidently with our chest out. Needless to say, this is both stupid and vain and gets you nowhere socially or in the realm of getting a date in the future.

Fourth, relax. As I mentioned in my other post, get a hobby, go to the gym, etc. Keep yourself mentally and physically active. This is all about being comfortable with yourself, knowing who you are and what it is that you have to give and take in **all **of your social relationships with guys or girls.

If you’re not comfortable around women, and if you’re always apprehensive around beautiful girls and people in relationships, more or less desperate to be in one yourself, without being comfortable in your own skin, you’ll always have trouble with women, I’m afraid.

 

[Sierrah]

Work on yourself first. You have to be happy within yourself first before you can expect anyone to be happy with you or even want to get involved with you. Look at this from someone else’s perspective. Would you want to date someone who wasn’t happy with themselves or had some self esteem issues? Once you get that point then it’s mostly a waiting game I guess. I’m still waiting myself so obviously I don’t have the answers other then to know you can’t make someone else’s happiness and they can’t make yours.

 

[garyr]

. . . . I could also use advice on being patient and trusting Christ more. Ideas?

1. Finish School
2. Start Career
3. Make a home (buy house/get your finances in order/ become able to support a family).
4. Be active in your parish. Make God the center/focus of your life. Learn what it is to be an ideal father/husband of a consecrated catholic family.

God has a plan for each one of us. The above 4 should be a priority/given to be able to have a family. Next, and

Starting Now:

**Learn to look for God in EVERYONE your meet, not just pretty girls! ** Get involved in a ministry that helps the destitute and outcasts of society (your spiritual adviser can help here). Stop thinking about yourself! The true Love of God in everyone you meet will enable you to look past the ’ facade’ of those around you, and in-turn, the one that is ‘right for you’ will see your inner-beauty as well. Hopefully then you will end up with one with true inner-beauty, and not just on the outside . . . .

 

[chevalier]

Taking a break isn’t a bad idea. I must tell you I’m feeling better than ever overall, even though loneliness is hitting harder than ever at the same time. Can’t waste time chasing girls if there’s a degree to finish or a job to land. As has been said, that’s something you’re going to need to do your part as a man. Besides, well, work is going to the place where you spend the most time after home (or before it, if you don’t count sleeping). Not saying career is more important than a woman but you need one.