Non catholic boyfriend

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I was just wondering if I could get some advice or if anybody else has ever been in this situation… For the past 9 months I have been dating a guy who has no religion. He says he is a christian and he knows some of the basics about various protestant religions as well as catholicism. I really care about him, however, I really want to be with somebody who I share my faith with and can help me grow in mine. He has really made a lot of progress in the time we have been dating and I think this is mainly because before he was really uniformed… his parents are divorced and don’t go to church. I really try not to preach to him and I like to show him by example and logically explaining my christian view-point when various situations arise. He really seems to be understanding a lot better and has come to understand why abortion is so wrong and a lot about chastity… I love helping him but I feel that I am pulling him along… what I mean is that I want to have a relationship where we share and understand catholicism equally or at least have the desire to, I feel that I am often pulling him along and when I need someone to be there for me when I am sinning etc… I don’t have the help that I would like… It also puts a lot of added pressure on me because I am his only christian example… which is a good thing for me I suppose because it makes me try harder to be better but it also makes me feel absolutely horrible when I do something wrong (which I so often do)… I really love and care about him… but I don’t know if i’m kidding myself by thinking that he could become the catholic husband that I want… I want to be there for him no matter what, I just don’t want to have these false hopes that he is going to change… does anyone have any comments or advice for me?
Thanks!
 
I think you’re brilliant! I could offer no other advise than for you to keep up the good work, persevere and pray for help.

My wfe is Catholic and I have found it a great aid. It means we both share common moral ground as well as a sense of family. We also have the same hopes and aspirations.

Good luck!
 
I am in your exact shoes, except I’m married to it. My husband was not raised with any religion at all. He is not at all anti-religions, just very indifferent due to lack of any background in it. The biggest problem is our lack of spiritual connection. He doens’t understand why I worry about his eternal life or soul. I have tried to explain that we are trying to get each other to heaven and he just doesn’t get it.

My advice is to talk about the non-negotiable issues before engagement. Luckily, my husband was totally open to how I wanted to raise the kids and moral issues. He doesn’t understand everything, but goes along with it. Just pray a lot, I am still praying and have faith that something will touch his heart.
 
My wife and I have been married for seven years now and have a 3 month old son. We met in college and were married a few years later. My wife wasn’t raised with any faith at all, I supose she was agnostic. She has come a long way in her journey towards being a Christian but I fear the Catholic faith is still a ways away. We have had a rough ride at certain points in our life because of certain Catholic teachings, especially contraception and openess to children. I wish that I had looked at my relationship while dating as you have, very heads up of you. I was blinded by love I guess. Anyhow, make sure that the ground rules are well understood before you take dating to the next level. As I am sure you know, your faith should take priority over everything else in your life, including loved ones.

God bless you both.
 
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armywife:
I am in your exact shoes, except I’m married to it. My husband was not raised with any religion at all. He is not at all anti-religions, just very indifferent due to lack of any background in it. The biggest problem is our lack of spiritual connection. He doens’t understand why I worry about his eternal life or soul. I have tried to explain that we are trying to get each other to heaven and he just doesn’t get it.

My advice is to talk about the non-negotiable issues before engagement. Luckily, my husband was totally open to how I wanted to raise the kids and moral issues. He doesn’t understand everything, but goes along with it. Just pray a lot, I am still praying and have faith that something will touch his heart.
My husband is not too much different, although he was raised a Christian- his grandfather was a minister so that was the church they all attended. I’ve gotten the impression that it was more of a habit than anything else- it’s Sunday so you go to church, and since you’re the minister’s family, you’d better be there. A lot of it didn’t seem to be internalized, and not many of them attend church now that the grandfather has passed away.

It’s frustrating at times; he doesn’t always understand why Catholics do what they do, why it’s important for me to get up for Mass even on vacation, etc. But he has been very supportive of me and my faith, and has agreed to raise any children we might have in the Catholic faith. We also have some interesting discussions on various points of faith and have come to the realization that many of our core beliefs are the same (which gives me hope that if I keep working on him and praying, then maybe…).

All in all, we seem to have it easier than my devout Catholic friend, who recently married a cradle but fallen-away Catholic. Apparently the fact that she and her family are very devout but he and his family are not has been a sticky point on more than one occasion. It seems like it is actually more difficult to deal with someone who was raised in the Church and has harbored and nurtured false ideas about the Church and left as a result, than it is to deal with a non-Catholic who doesn’t have a strong religious background. At least in my case I’m not working against strong emotional prejudices.
 
Hi Sara,
God Bless you for trying to do the right thing. You are not alone.
There is a Vatican approved Catholic based Family Ministry called Couples for Christ (CFC). This is a community of Spiritually strong Catholic men and women who help strengthen and support each other.

Couples for Christ (CFC) is a ministry intended for the renewal and strengthening of Christian family life. It is an association of Christian couples who have committed themselves to the Lord and to one another, so that they may grow into maturity as men and women of God and fulfill their primary vocation of raising up their families under the lordship of Jesus Christ and for the service of the Kingdom of God. Couples for Christ is a work of Christ which raises up Christian couples and establishes Christian families committed to the work of evangelization and winning the world for Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit. It grows mainly through the establishment of localized units in different parishes.

The CFC has branches which reaches all aspects of the Catholic-Christian family.
**CFC-Kids For Christ **(KFC) 4-12 years old
CFC-Youth For Christ (YFC) 13 - 21 years old (now in all 50 states)
CFC-Singles for Christ (SFC) 22 - 40ish for single professionals (and amateurs)
Couples for Christ (CFC) Valid married couples growing in the faith.
CFC-Handmaids of the Lord (HOLD) Mature single women, divorced or widowed or separated or whose spouse is unable to attend.
CFC-Servants of the Lord (SOLD) Mature single men, divorced or separated or widowed or whose spouse is unable to attend.

**
Singles for Christ as a support environment:
  • **teaches the individual the right values to build their future on; **
  • **surrounds the individual with friends who are well-meaning and have a positive influence; **
  • **provides the individual with opportunities to meet potential partners in life who believe in the same Christian goals and values; **
  • **invols the individual in service that prepares them for the responsibility of marriage and family life; and, **
  • **helps those with a vocation for the priesthood or religious life to discern their calling. ****
Your boyfriendl like the Christ centered teachings and you will like the Catholic flavor of the group. We will not convert your him, that’s God job. We will teach him how to be a true “Man of God”. And if that brings him back to the Church, most times it does, so be it and God be praised.

If he is not interested in the SFC, I would recommend you contact them and continue your own spiritual journey.

If you would like to know more or find a SFC or CFC group in your area, please contact me.

God Bless You,
Davis
I am posting information on all the ministries since so many people seem to have the same problem. Anyone can PM or e-mail me for more information or to find a CFC group in their ares
 
If you want a Catholic husband, then go find a Catholic guy.

If you want this guy, then quit nagging him and accept him as he is.
 
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sara85:
I was just wondering if I could get some advice or if anybody else has ever been in this situation… For the past 9 months I have been dating a guy who has no religion. He says he is a christian and he knows some of the basics about various protestant religions as well as catholicism. I really care about him, however, I really want to be with somebody who I share my faith with and can help me grow in mine. He has really made a lot of progress in the time we have been dating and I think this is mainly because before he was really uniformed… his parents are divorced and don’t go to church. I really try not to preach to him and I like to show him by example and logically explaining my christian view-point when various situations arise. He really seems to be understanding a lot better and has come to understand why abortion is so wrong and a lot about chastity… I love helping him but I feel that I am pulling him along… what I mean is that I want to have a relationship where we share and understand catholicism equally or at least have the desire to, I feel that I am often pulling him along and when I need someone to be there for me when I am sinning etc… I don’t have the help that I would like… It also puts a lot of added pressure on me because I am his only christian example… which is a good thing for me I suppose because it makes me try harder to be better but it also makes me feel absolutely horrible when I do something wrong (which I so often do)… I really love and care about him… but I don’t know if i’m kidding myself by thinking that he could become the catholic husband that I want… I want to be there for him no matter what, I just don’t want to have these false hopes that he is going to change… does anyone have any comments or advice for me?
Thanks!
I’ve dated men in three categories:
  1. Actively anti- religion… self professed agnostic. This relationship drug me away from my faith for the duration and I was miserable. Lesson learned: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind… have no gods before Me.
  2. Protestant/generic Christian- basically nonpracticing in any faith but a “Christian” and "spiritual. Spent time being frustrated that I did not have a man who would be the spiritual head of the household, and who could lead me, help me, and be a partner. Lesson learned: Be ye not unequally yoked.
  3. Faithful Catholic man- WOW… an amazing relationship, growing closer to God, praying together, helping each other and definitely not worried about any battles while raising the kids or any disappointment that I will end up going to church by myself. Currently discerning marriage with this man. Lesson learned: Wives be subordinate to your husbands… husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church… the real meaning and depth of a Sacramental marriage…
I think it’s a very personal decision, but for me after being able to compare these three I am SO glad I did not settle for what was behind doors #1 and #2.
 
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armywife:
…My advice is to talk about the non-negotiable issues before engagement. Luckily, my husband was totally open to how I wanted to raise the kids and moral issues. He doesn’t understand everything, but goes along with it. Just pray a lot, I am still praying and have faith that something will touch his heart.
This is good advice here.

I went over in my head many of the same questions you sara85 have while I was dating my spouse-to-be. She was raised as a Jehovah Witness and experienced a highly hypocritical religious atmosphere. So her take on organized religion was quite a bit negative.

I prayed a lot and decided that I would marry her partly because she agreed to raise our future children Catholic (a non-negotiable for me and our faith). At the time we married, she did not convert to the faith and I went into it with the mind-set that she may never convert.

She converted to the faith about a year later and things were fine until the sex abuse scandal “set her back”. She became frustrated yet again on all organized religion so I felt I was starting from scratch with her yet again. However, things have gotten better lately and I am with the mind-set that her faith will be a challenge for her possibly for several years. I am willing to work with her (what marriage doesn’t have its challenges). Besides, she has kept her promise to raise the children Catholic and there hasn’t been conflict here, nor do I expect it to.

She understands that her poor foundation in faith has caused her more confusion. So we are unified in how to raise our children religiously, but she’s still working on her own faith.

I’ve taken it upon myself to be the lead religious influence in the household and my wife lets me be that. It’s worked for us so far (grant it - our children are still fairly young: four children ages zero to six).

Good luck and God Bless you and my prayers are with you. 🙂
 
Your boyfriend will not be able to love you as you deserve. God is the source of all love, and the couple that practices the Sacrament of Matrimony according to God’s will experience the divine love that God wants for you. This love is passed on to the married couple through the Holy Eucharist and the graces of Matrimony. If your boyfriend is unable to recieve the Sacraments, love cannot pass on to him. The Church forbids mixed marriages in Canon Law “Everywhere and with the greatest strictness the Church firbids marriages between baptized persons, one of whom is Catholic and the other a member of a schismatic or heretical sect…such a marriage is fobidden also by divine law” c. 1060 The church does this so that the father in the marriage is properly trained to take his position as the chief educator of his children. 1 in 7 mixed marriages end in divorce. You place yourself in jeopardy. If your boyfriend loves you, he will become a Catholic man.
 
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BruceH:
The Church forbids mixed marriages in Canon Law “Everywhere and with the greatest strictness the Church firbids marriages between baptized persons, one of whom is Catholic and the other a member of a schismatic or heretical sect…such a marriage is fobidden also by divine law” c. 1060
So Canon Law and the Catechism of the Catholic Church are in contradiction with one another?

I only ask this because 1) my husband and I had no problem receiving a dispensation from our archdiocese for our mixed marriage (neither did my parents, 33 years ago) and 2) Tantum ergo posted a list of paragraphs (see link below, post #5) from the Catechism dealing with mixed marriage, none of which indicate that the Church forbids such marriages or declares them non-sacramental. It was made pretty clear to both my non-Catholic husband and myself that we were entering into a sacramental union, and our priest is very orthodox.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=14325
 
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BruceH:
The Church forbids mixed marriages in Canon Law “Everywhere and with the greatest strictness the Church firbids marriages between baptized persons, one of whom is Catholic and the other a member of a schismatic or heretical sect…such a marriage is fobidden also by divine law” c. 1060
I am not sure where you got your quote, but it is NOT from the 1983 Code of Canon Law.

Canona 1060 in the 1983 Code is not about mixed marriages at all:

*Can. 1060 Marriage enjoys the favor of law. Consequently, in doubt the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven. *

The current Code, by which Catholics are governed, states the following concerning mixed marriages:

*Can. 1124 Without the express permission of the competent authority, marriage is prohibited between two baptized persons, one of whom was baptized in the catholic Church or received into it after baptism and has not defected from it by a formal act, the other of whom belongs to a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the catholic Church.

Can. 1125 The local Ordinary can grant this permission if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions are fulfilled:

1° the catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith, and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power in order that all the children be baptized and brought up in the catholic Church;

2° the other party is to be informed in good time of these promises to be made by the catholic party, so that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and of the obligation of the catholic party

3° both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage, which are not to be excluded by either contractant.

Can. 1126 It is for the Episcopal Conference to prescribe the manner in which these declarations and promises, which are always required, are to be made, and to determine how they are to be established in the external forum, and how the non-Catholic party is to be informed of them.

Can. 1127 §1 The provisions of can. 1108 are to be observed in regard to the form to be used in a mixed marriage. If, however, the catholic party contracts marriage with a non-Catholic party of oriental rite, the canonical form of celebration is to be observed for lawfulness only; for validity, however, the intervention of a sacred minister is required, while observing the other requirements of law.

§2 If there are grave difficulties in the way of observing the canonical form, the local Ordinary of the catholic party has the right to dispense from it in individual cases, having however consulted the Ordinary of the place of the celebration of the marriage; for validity, however, some public form of celebration is required. It is for the Episcopal Conference to establish norms whereby this dispensation may be granted in a uniform manner.

§3 It is forbidden to have, either before or after the canonical celebration in accordance with §1, another religious celebration of the same marriage for the purpose of giving or renewing matrimonial consent. Likewise, there is not to be a religious celebration in which the catholic assistant and a non-Catholic minister, each performing his own rite, ask for the consent of the parties.

Can. 1128 Local Ordinaries and other pastors of souls are to see to it that the catholic spouse and the children born of a mixed marriage are not without the spiritual help needed to fulfill their obligations; they are also to assist the spouses to foster the unity of conjugal and family life.

Can. 1129 The provisions of canon 1127 and 1128 are to be applied also to marriages which are impeded by the impediment of disparity of worship mentioned in can. 1086 §1. *
 
I was the non-Catholic girlfriend. I am now the non-Catholic wife.

My husband is a cradle Catholic while I was self described agnostic, now learning the Catholic Faith.

In my opinion, I believe you should find someone who shares your religion, beliefs, and values.

Instead of concentrating on sharing faith, raising children, and just loving eachother, our marriage has consisted of a lot of head butting and learning. In my opinion, my husband and I lucked out that I am now open to learning the Catholic faith. It could have just as easiliy went the other way.

And what about future children? If your boyfriend isn’t willing to raise them Catholic (no matter what he says now, he could change his mind. he isn’t bound by the same promise that you are) then you can’t do anything about it. You could be faced with years of “but daddy doesn’t have to go to Church… but daddy said it was ok for me to_______”…or possibly having to send your precious child to see daddy on the weekends when he decides that you are too religious and he needs his freedom. And then you will have absolutely no say in what daddy and his new “honey” teach your child when not in your presence.

I realize that you love your boyfriend and he most likely loves you. But since we can’t control who we fall in love with, we should at least limit the choices. We should all have a list of criteria developed well before dating so that we can see if a potential boyfriend/girlfriend measures up. If your Faith is important to you and it is important to find someone who shares it, you should not be dating someone who doesn’t… no matter what a good person they are.

If you feel called to evangelize and try to win hearts for the Lord you can do it in many different ways… you don’t need to marry it.

Finella

 
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BruceH:
The Church forbids mixed marriages in Canon Law “Everywhere and with the greatest strictness the Church firbids marriages between baptized persons, one of whom is Catholic and the other a member of a schismatic or heretical sect…such a marriage is fobidden also by divine law” c. 1060
I glad I didn’t know that when I (non-Catholic) married my wife (Catholic).
Sorry BruceH … Check you facts:
Can. 1059 The marriage of Catholics, even if only one party is baptized, is governed not only by divine law but also by canon law, without prejudice to the competence of the civil authority in respect of the merely civil effects of the marriage.

Can. 1060 Marriage enjoys the favor of law. Consequently, in doubt the validity of a marriage must be upheld until the contrary is proven. (For more on the law, check out 1ke’s posting)
1 in 7 mixed marriages end in divorce.
1 in 7 is not bad considering the number for all Catholics is 3 in 7. Which means the 66% of Catholic divorces are Catholic-to-Catholic. Not a bad reason to marry a non-Catholic (religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm).
 
Honey i have been there! my boyfriend whos now my fiance was baptised Catholic but his whole family left the church, we were dating while i went throught he RCIA and when he saw how happy and settled i was he finished his rites (with a little coaxing from me) now we’re both very practicing Catholics and hes just about to become a Knight! good luck. if hes the one God will lead him to it and he will answer Gods call. all though if he doesnt want to, my friend just got married to a Presbiterian and shes a cradle Catholic. they are two of the happiest most in love people ive ever known! Good Luck!
 
I have friends where one is Catholic and one is not and every thing was great until they kids. Now they have Holy wars. It was funny how religion was of no great deal at first. But 3 and 4 years down the road the situation was different and the true disagreements began to show. I would ask myself “is the something I am willing fight everyday if he does not change”.

Thanks

Eric
 
Seriously consider what you want your family to look like. My husband was agnostic when we married. I made him promise to go to church with me every Sunday and holy days of obligation and during special sevices during lent and advent. He also had to write an essay on how he could honor our marriage vows said before God. He did it all and continues to abide by our agreements which included raising the children Catholic and sending them to Catholic school.

After many years he did come to believe in God and is now going through RCIA.

Having said all this, it still has been very difficult. When I needed someone to be strong in the faith during a difficult time, I was alone. It was hard. Even though he was raised protestant, I still find times when we at opposites about things I think other Catholics understand and believe. It is just not a common ground we have and I really wish we did. I see other couples who are both Catholic and they seem to share something I know we lack.
 
i feel for you because my husband was baptised catholic but his parent are non-practicing catholics. we had issues about the catholic faith, because he would always question it. It was difficult for me. I had to constanty “defend” my faith. A wise friend suggested I use St. Monica as an example. Saint Monica was married to a pagan who converted on his death bed. Well, I’m sure it not that way with you, but Saint Monica understands you. I asked for her intersession in my husbands case. I believe in my heart that she helped me in my husband’s conversion. He attended RCIA; he graduated and now teaches RCIA to teens with me. Sounds to good to be true but it is. Nothing is impossible with prayer and faith and Saint Monica is a sheer example of that.
 
Dear Sara,

Your posting could have been written by my wife. She was the spiritual leader for our dating relationship and carried that role into the marriage. My obstinacy to the Catholic faith eventually pulled her away from the Church for a number of years. I eventually became Catholic which made things worst. I would use my new found knowledge of her faith against her. NO nothing was sacred. For the longest time she could rely on her faith to comfort her, and now I destroyed that too.

We were heading for a divorce - fast. The only thing that was keeping us together was the children. That was not fair to the children either because we were using them as a crutch.

We were introduced to a Catholic Family Ministry called Couples for Christ (CFC). They taught us how to be a Christian family and we are now teaching others.

You can not change your boyfriend. Only God can do that. Just keep focused on your own spiritual growth and pray God helps him grow. Let go and let God.

If you would like more information on the Couples for Christ (CFC) or the CFC-Singles for Christ (SFC) or even the CFC-Youth for Christ (YFC) - for our high school and college friends - please let me know. We are here for you.
 
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