non-Catholic lady meets Catholic man

[LiveLoveLaugh]

I recently met a lovely man online and after meeting found we have a great connection. Of course we have slept together, however now he wants to bring his faith into our relationship which I have no issues with.
The thing I have issues with is the fact that now everything has changed - no physical contact
keeps saying that he has to suffer and can not now be with any woman. He has 2 children with his first ex wife one whilst married to her and the other after they had split. And he has remarried and divorced a second time. I have been married myself and am in the process of divorce.
Can you tell me can he be forgiven for his sins and does that mean that he is not to be happy with a companion in his life ???
I know he has very deep feeling for me as I have met his children and we don’t play with their feelings.
I need to know how I am able to help him… and us moving forward

 

[ChunkMonk]

He can be forgiven his sins. He cannot remarry. He is likely still married to his wife, the one you called his “first ex-wife.” There is no such thing as an “ex-wife” or an “ex-husband.”

He definitely should not be having physical contact with a woman who is not his wife, so even if his first (or second) marriage was invalid, he absolutely cannot be having sex with you unless you are validly married.

Happiness is not important. His soul and your soul are important.

(If your original marriage was valid, you also cannot ever marry again and any sex or dating you pursue is adulterous)

 

[AAT]

First of all, let me warn you that this is a forum where people meet online to debate. You might get different opinions from different people. If you can, I suggest you to find a priest or someone who is theologicly trained in a situation like this. Who knows, maybe you’ll open up to faith and God’s work as well.

About your question, I’m not someone who is theologicly trained but as far as I know any sin if truly regreted and confessed in the sacrament of reconciliation can be forgiven. So if he did go and truly felt sorry, repented, and try to live a better christian life, he definetly is forgiven.

Suffering is indeed a part of penance. Perhaps he thinks that way because his previous marriage wasn’t annuled, thus he can’t be with anyone except his current wife.

Also to us, happiness isn’t really the main goal of this life, thus we don’t chase it. Not saying it isn’t possible to be happy and catholic, but we prioritise our relationship with God first above ourselves. From there we learn to be happy with what God has given us

 

[Lamentation]

I recently met a lovely man online and after meeting found we have a great connection. Of course we have slept together

Yep, that’s a sin.

however now he wants to bring his faith into our relationship which I have no issues with.

I’m glad to hear that, although I do have to wonder why he would wait until after sleeping with you.

The thing I have issues with is the fact that now everything has changed

…and there’s the problem, right there.

He has 2 children with his first ex wife one whilst married to her and the other after they had split. And he has remarried and divorced a second time. I have been married myself and am in the process of divorce.

According to how the Catholic Church views it, one is married until the death of one of the spouses. An annulment can be sought, but it examines whether or not the conditions for marriage were there at the time of the marriage. If the first marriage was found to be invalid, then he was free to marry the second woman; otherwise, he is still technically married to the first woman.

In short, both his marriages and yours would need to be found invalid by (so-called) seeking an annulment (for each), and then he would have to marry you, for this situation to move forward from a Catholic standpoint. With all the understanding in the world towards you, I really don’t think that to be possible, to be very honest.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

The thing I have issues with is the fact that now everything has changed - no physical contact

keeps saying that he has to suffer and can not now be with any woman

I don’t know what you are trying to say here.

…and does that mean that he is not to be happy with a companion in his life ???

Again, what? I don’t understand.

 

[Lara]

I think the best way for you to move forward is to let each other go. This guy is not a good catch. The second best is to live as brother and sister for the rest of your days. (Now you gulp like Sally Field’s character in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire, when Mrs. Doubtfire urges lifelong celibacy for her.)

 

[Gertabelle]

Oh my goodness, my heart aches for this winding path you’ve been on. Here’s a big cyber hug from a stranger… OK, that sounded weirder than I intended.

If your gentleman friend has decided to get serious about living his faith, it will be years and years before you can be together.

His first marriage would have to be scrutinized by the Church (specifically a group of canon lawyers called the Tribunal). If, and only if, that marriage was found to be invalid, the second marriage would have to undergo the same scrutiny.

If, and only if, that marriage was found to be invalid, would he be free to enter into a romantic relationship and marriage with another woman.

And even though you are not a Catholic, your previous marriage would also have to be scrutinized by the Tribunal before he would be free to enter into a romantic relationship and marriage with you. By Catholic teaching, you would be presumed to be married to your first husband until (and only if) that marriage was deemed invalid.

The process of determining that a marriage was invalid (commonly called an “annulment” or “decree of nullity”) will usually take between one and three years – depends on the diocese and the circumstances. His second marriage might be easily determined null since it was likely contracted in a civil ceremony without Church approval.

Confused by all this? Don’t worry, many Catholics feel the same way.

Point is, Catholics believe marriage is a lifelong promise and cannot just be dissolved by civil authority.

If your gentleman friend now intends to live out his faith, he has a long road of celibacy ahead of him.

You can best support him by supporting his desire to be a faithful Catholic. And yes, that means a great sacrifice on your part, especially if you don’t share his faith.

Love requires sacrifice. But there’s no harm and no foul in you deciding not to spend the next few years waiting in celibate friendship to see what happens.

God bless you. I wish there were an easier answer for you.

 

[neophyte]

I recently met a lovely man online and after meeting found we have a great connection. Of course we have slept together, however now he wants to bring his faith into our relationship which I have no issues with.

The thing I have issues with is the fact that now everything has changed - no physical contact

keeps saying that he has to suffer and can not now be with any woman. He has 2 children with his first ex wife…

I’m so very sorry for the heartache you’re experiencing. And, please forgive me, because I’m going to be very blunt.

For the sake of charity I’ll assume that his sudden growth of conscience wasn’t a calculated ploy to make you feel sorry for him after he got into your pants. But, if he’s really concerned about the state of his soul and is renewing his commitment to the Catholic Faith, then the fact that he’s still married in the eyes of God means that he’s not free to even date you, much less marry you… and certainly not sleep with you. He needs to get a declaration of nullity before he begins to seek any romantic attachments.

If he did get a declaration of nullity, the fact that you are also still married in the eyes of God would mean that you’re not free to date either, and even if you don’t believe that yourself he’s still bound (out of a concern for the state of your soul) to not get involved with you unless you also get a declaration of nullity. And because you’re not Catholic, that won’t happen unless you are seriously considering getting married to a Catholic.

Looking at this from the outside, and admittedly with a limited knowledge of the two of you, I see a lot of red flags. It would be wise to move on.

 

[pianistclare]

What Neophyte said.
I wish you the best.
But yes, Move on.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

With all due respect, this man is not acting as a good Catholic man should. He is not free to marry you as the church considers him already married, he has slept with you in violation of the commandments of his faith, and it sounds like he is presenting his situation in a very manipulative way to make you feel sorry for him.

If he were so concerned abut bringing his faith into a relationship, he should get an annulment before he goes online looking to connect with other ladies, much less getting involved with one.

I’m sorry that people like this go around advertising themselves as Catholics. It’s not a pretty picture. I agree you should end this before things get any messier.

 

[upant]

you need to move on as others have said

but what about you?

what are your beliefs? will you spend eternity in heaven or hell?

how can we help you to become a catholic?

we are all sinners and everything but intentional disbelief can be forgiven; but, we have to follow the rules. it can’t be, sin all week, confess on saturday, go to communion on sunday , sin all week till saturday, repeat.

 

[OsculeturMeOsculo]

That seems imprudent to want to continue meeting with another man with a complicated marriage history.