Non-Catholic Wedding

[Wonarm]

I’ll try to keep this short. My 25 year-old daughter is planning to be married this fall. She left our home shortly after turning 18 expressing her desperate need to leave home. In the limited contacts we have had since, she has not regretted this. Nearly all of this I am certain is due to her nearly complete devotion to a boy she became attached to in high school. It would take too much time to detail why, but the best way to describe her relationship to this fellow is “total enslavement”. Though they always had a sexual relationship, in recent years, she has been cohabiting with him. Both of them are “competent” individuals, employed, come from middle-class families and he is a recent college graduate. My daughter was baptized in the Church and received all the sacraments. As a family, we prayed together, always attended weekly Mass, and participated in our parish. Of course, no one knows what is in a person’s heart while they are doing these things. She is no longer involved in the Church but attends and plans to be married in her fiance’s Lutheran church.

She has invited my wife (her step-mother) and I to this wedding. We have serious problems with doing this for a wide variety of reasons including those evident from what I have said above. I would appreciate the views of others on this matter. In particular, I would like to know if there is any relevant, clear Church teaching. Rather than further prejudice the discussion, I will not say more about my views.

 

[St_Veronica]

Wonarm:

I’ll try to keep this short. My 25 year-old daughter is planning to be married this fall. She left our home shortly after turning 18 expressing her desperate need to leave home. In the limited contacts we have had since, she has not regretted this. Nearly all of this I am certain is due to her nearly complete devotion to a boy she became attached to in high school. It would take too much time to detail why, but the best way to describe her relationship to this fellow is “total enslavement”. Though they always had a sexual relationship, in recent years, she has been cohabiting with him. Both of them are “competent” individuals, employed, come from middle-class families and he is a recent college graduate. My daughter was baptized in the Church and received all the sacraments. As a family, we prayed together, always attended weekly Mass, and participated in our parish. Of course, no one knows what is in a person’s heart while they are doing these things. She is no longer involved in the Church but attends and plans to be married in her fiance’s Lutheran church.

She has invited my wife (her step-mother) and I to this wedding. We have serious problems with doing this for a wide variety of reasons including those evident from what I have said above. I would appreciate the views of others on this matter. In particular, I would like to know if there is any relevant, clear Church teaching. Rather than further prejudice the discussion, I will not say more about my views.

Well there’s several ways to look at this. You could take a hardline and refuse to go since she isn’t being married in the Church, even though it is seemingly a valid marriage…any chance of talking her into having a Catholic priest get involved in a ‘dual’ ceremony?

You could also look at it like this…be gald she’s not being married by a JP or in a non-Christian marriage. Go with the hopes of opening communication with her.

I could understand both sides of it, whichever you choose to do.

My inlaws almost refused to come to our wedding. DH was a lapsed Catholic and I was not Catholic at the time. They had good reason (in retrospect)…we were being married by a LDS minister!

However they came, were very gracious and kind at the wedding, and they kept praying for us. Now and then my MIL would make a comment about how we needed to come to the ‘True Church’ and I would roll my eyes and say ok whatever…however she never stopped praying…less than 2 years after DH and I married…I was Catholic and DH was back in the Church.

SV

 

[John_Higgins]

I’ve heard various apologists make recommendations on this. I really don’t think the CCC or Canon Law make a clear prohibition. (You might ask an apologist here.)

Since you sought opinions, here’s mine. Go, enjoy, and be confident in the teaching you gave her. Usually people say not to attend since it wouldn’t be a valid wedding. Technically, if she hadn’t formally left the Church, this wedding would be considered a defect in form (since there wasn’t a dispensation for not having a priest as a witness).

But absolutely go. You can’t undo your non-attendance.

I’ll pray for you and your family.

John

 

[dhgray]

YOU HAD BETTER GO if you hope to ever have a relationship with her. You may not like the guy, you do not have to like th guy. You are going to support your daughter (not necessary her decision). She is you “flesh and blood” so get over it.

Go to the wedding and reception of there is one. Be politically correct when speaking to him and the other family.

If you EVER hope to get her back to the Church, don’t give her any reason to hate the Church.

By the way, what does the girls mother say about this?

 

[raphaela]

Wow, for a minute I thought you were my mom posting!!! Your post is so incredibly familiar to my situation. I’m geting married soon, I moved out at 18, my mom hates my fiance, we’ve been together since early highschool…

Do you really think that she’s with him because of “total enslavement”? By chance, they may love each other very much. I don’t think they’d be together for that long if she was with him because she thought she had to be. Those relationships don’t last. Have you met her fiance??? Have you actually tried to get to know him? Do you talk to him at all? If you answered no to any of these questions, then I’d have to say that you shouldn’t pass judgement on him so quickly. My mother has met my fiance once in the 5 years we’ve been together. She hated him because of his last name (think romeo and juliet family fued thing, without all the violence, and well only my side hates his side), then when she found out that we were intimate, she freaked. She refuses to talk to him at all (won’t even say hi), spreads vicious rumors about him (which I doubt you do)…but you get my point.
You need to make the effort to get to know him (you don’t have to like him, just acknowledge him) for your daughter and your relatioship with her.

Sure it’s hard but you may actually like him. Trust me, your daughter is probably having a really hard time with this too. It’s really hard to love 2 people and be torn between them. But who do you choose? I love my fiance more than anything, and i love my mom too, but I don’t want to choose between them. Sure I’m making my mom mad but she’s the one that told me I had to choose. I figure if she really loves me (like she’s never said, but i guess parents are supposed to do that) than she wouldn’t make me choose.

I hope this perspective helped out, but trust me, make a point to get to know him, you’ll feel better if you do, even if you don’t like him.

 

[chimakuni]

Please go to your daughter’s wedding! Our son and daughter in law lived together for a year prior to getting married in the Church (Massachusetts - can we say liberal?)…did not include my husband’s name on the wedding invitation - just that he was a son of his ex-wife AND we traveled cross country to be there!

Why? Because we love our son - and his wife and our new grandbaby. That they chose to live together, knowing it was against God’s word is their sin, not ours, nor is your daughter’s sin yours.

They knew we did not like them living together and they knew the Church’s teachings on this.

We had a wonderful time at the wedding - my husband did one of the readings in the wedding service (it was not a Mass), enjoyed the reception and got to know my husband’s ex-wife. We were, prayerfully, good Catholic ambassadors to those who ignore their Catholic Faith. Our faith is such a gift and we treasure it…enough so that we wanted to share it with them.

Please go and see your daughter married. I know in the years to come, you will be glad that you did.

God Bless