Not invited to Easter dinner

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Hi everyone,

Thanks again for all your (name removed by moderator)ut. I appreciate it. I feel like a lot of I told you so’s will be coming when I tell you this, but here it is.

I had my phone with me during the morning since I woke up yesterday. No call. Anyway, just after 12 I called and said Happy Easter. Then my mom asked my plans. I said I don’t have any. Then she said she called but no answer that morning. I didn’t know she called. There were no messages or missed calls or anything as far as I know. But she said they are having dinner and I can come if I want.

So I went and had dinner.

Some people brought up their concern that maybe I should be calling them more often or visiting without being invited or that they may be offended. This is not true. I have gone there frequently since moving out 2 months ago. They would say something like we’re having dinner if you want anything. A couple of times I’ve invited myself and popped over. But often I would feel like they were wondering why I was there. For example, after being there a few minutes they would say they had to do other stuff. Or they would ask me to do the dishes. But I got the feeling that although I wasn’t rejected, there was no big desire on their part for me to be here.

Maybe I’m being selfish or something, but I just assumed that when a son moves out the parents would be more like you should come visit or we don’t see you much anymore, etc. Rather it seemed the opposite. I was the one asking, and the one who seemed to notice. Sometimes it didn’t even seem like they noticed I was gone.

Another example is we were leaving church, which is when they will normally invite me. I was talking to my mom and then I was like alright, well I better get going. and then she’s like well I guess you could come over if you wanted, but we don’t have anything. Again, not rude, but just seemed like she was saying it to be polite rather than really wanting to see me.

I guess I just feel like they should miss me more or even a little?

So that all built up to this past Sunday. I thought maybe they weren’t going to invite me.

And like another poster pointed out, it’s not one size fits all. Not every family is exactly the same and there’s no set protocol. In fact, my parents have often expressed a little annoyance when family members pop in unexpectedly.

So that’s about all.

Again, thanks for your help. I’m glad it worked out.
 
phil8888 said:
Hi everyone,

Thanks again for all your (name removed by moderator)ut. I appreciate it. I feel like a lot of I told you so’s will be coming when I tell you this, but here it is.

I had my phone with me during the morning since I woke up yesterday. No call. Anyway, just after 12 I called and said Happy Easter. Then my mom asked my plans. I said I don’t have any. Then she said she called but no answer that morning. I didn’t know she called. There were no messages or missed calls or anything as far as I know. But she said they are having dinner and I can come if I want.

So I went and had dinner.

Some people brought up their concern that maybe I should be calling them more often or visiting without being invited or that they may be offended. This is not true. I have gone there frequently since moving out 2 months ago. They would say something like we’re having dinner if you want anything. A couple of times I’ve invited myself and popped over. But often I would feel like they were wondering why I was there. For example, after being there a few minutes they would say they had to do other stuff. Or they would ask me to do the dishes. But I got the feeling that although I wasn’t rejected, there was no big desire on their part for me to be here.

Maybe I’m being selfish or something, but I just assumed that when a son moves out the parents would be more like you should come visit or we don’t see you much anymore, etc. Rather it seemed the opposite. I was the one asking, and the one who seemed to notice. Sometimes it didn’t even seem like they noticed I was gone.

Another example is we were leaving church, which is when they will normally invite me. I was talking to my mom and then I was like alright, well I better get going. and then she’s like well I guess you could come over if you wanted, but we don’t have anything. Again, not rude, but just seemed like she was saying it to be polite rather than really wanting to see me.

I guess I just feel like they should miss me more or even a little?

So that all built up to this past Sunday. I thought maybe they weren’t going to invite me.

And like another poster pointed out, it’s not one size fits all. Not every family is exactly the same and there’s no set protocol. In fact, my parents have often expressed a little annoyance when family members pop in unexpectedly.

So that’s about all.

Again, thanks for your help. I’m glad it worked out.
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Again, I’ll ask - have you invited your folks to dinner at your place or at a restaurant? Are you in a position to do this. I know that’s the kind of thing that makes parents rejoice in a child’s new independence. They can be happy for your thoughtfulness and happy for their good fortune. Make sens?
 
I’m glad you had dinner with them and sorry that you feel they aren’t showing how much they miss you. 2 months isn’t all that long, and it sounds like you are still in the same town and that they see you after Church each week still.

It is very likely that they are trying to give you space and not cling to you. As we grow, we need to ‘re-negotiate’ our relationship with parents and other family. That is, find a new ‘sweet spot’ where you are comfortable in your role as a full adult living on your own. Maybe make a mental schedule to check in weekly (if you don’t see them after Mass) or every couple of weeks. Invite yourself over for dinner or invite them out once a month or so.
 
Mrs_Sally said:
I’m glad you had dinner with them and sorry that you feel they aren’t showing how much they miss you. 2 months isn’t all that long, and it sounds like you are still in the same town and that they see you after Church each week still.

It is very likely that they are trying to give you space and not cling to you. As we grow, we need to ‘re-negotiate’ our relationship with parents and other family. That is, find a new ‘sweet spot’ where you are comfortable in your role as a full adult living on your own. Maybe make a mental schedule to check in weekly (if you don’t see them after Mass) or every couple of weeks. Invite yourself over for dinner or invite them out once a month or so.
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:clapping:
 
Yeh, I invited them over about 2 weeks after moving out. they had lunch and then left pretty soon afterward. they didn’t seem interested in hanging out much. but it was good to have them over that time and things went well.

where I am from, we say breakfast, dinner, and supper normally. very few people in Newfoundland will say dinner for the evening meal. however, people will sometimes say lunch.
 
phil8888 said:
Yeh, I invited them over about 2 weeks after moving out. they had lunch and then left pretty soon afterward. they didn’t seem interested in hanging out much. but it was good to have them over that time and things went well.

where I am from, we say breakfast, dinner, and supper normally. very few people in Newfoundland will say dinner for the evening meal. however, people will sometimes say lunch.
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Love this!
I was raised in Illinois (a farming state) and we kept to
the schedule of breakfast, dinner, supper on Sundays!

PS - the Church also observes this
schedule still in may religious communities.
 
It’s all said and done for this year, and I’m glad it worked out. With the limited info I have, it sounds like your parents aren’t great communicators. Maybe this isn’t your strongest suit as well. My in laws are terrible communicators, and it is frustrating trying to figure out “the code” for what they want. In this case, it helps for us to be the grand communicators of the group - if we waited for them to make the first move, they’d never make a move…they’d miss us, but they wouldn’t initiate. Shyness and social awkwardness sometimes even happens within families. Sometimes you have to ask point blank, “what do you want?” and then take their answer at face value. Or point blank tell them what you want, and ask if they’re ok with that. If your parents can’t stop “just being polite” to their own child then that’s their problem. The more you show them how to be direct (respectfully), the more likely they’ll learn how to be direct with you.

For future reference, maybe you should bring up major holidays about a month in advance. If you don’t feel comfortable assuming that they want to spend them with you (I always assume my family AND my in-laws want us on holidays), then ask them if they’d like to do dinner with you. Now that you are an adult and are on your own, you can make it a joint venture - they cook something, you cook something. Decide together, ahead of time, where and when to eat. This shows them that you want to be around them, and that you are willing to pull your weight. If they’re not big on this sort of thing, you’ll have to initiate it, and be the good example of how a family should communicate. Even if it’s outside of your comfort zone, it will be more comfortable than what you experienced this time, kwim?
 
When you go to their house for dinner, you should INSIST on doing the dishes. That is called being a grateful son.
 
phil8888 said:
Yeh, I invited them over about 2 weeks after moving out. they had lunch and then left pretty soon afterward. they didn’t seem interested in hanging out much. but it was good to have them over that time and things went well.

where I am from, we say breakfast, dinner, and supper normally. very few people in Newfoundland will say dinner for the evening meal. however, people will sometimes say lunch.
Click to expand...
You and your parents are working out the new relationship of not living under their roof - for some families this is an easy transition - for others painful.

Given the relationships that exist my recommendations is be as open as you think appropriate, do NOT read anything into being invited or not invited, just accept things on face value (I know it is hard to do when we are in relationship) continue to invite them to your place, perhaps once a month - tell them how much you enjoyed having them come, when you are at their place, yes - do the dishes - be grateful, try to have fun. You are all trying to figure this out - if you can be open about not knowing what they would prefer - good luck! God Bless
 
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