Not quite ready to wed: is it selfish of me?

[eirepinkie]

The story is longer than the thread title, please read before replying

My fiance, Ben, and I have been dating for a little over 3 years now. When we got engaged, I was SO excited! And it was a surprise, so it was perfect.However, as months went by, I’ve gotten less enthusiastic. Still totally in love with him- he is my best friend and I truly believe God wants us to be together, but I’m thinking of so many things I can do- go to school, travel, go out with friends, etc. All things that while not impossible after marriage, if I have kids and a husband depending on me, I can’t be out and about following my every little whim. Does this mean I’m not ready? This is a total commitment, I want it. I’m confused. :banghead: :crying:

~Stacey

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Hi Stacey, welcome to the forums!

I noticed that you are two years younger than my younger sister…I will try to answer you the way I would answer her.

First of all, what does your fiance think about your feelings? This could be a great example of how you two communicate and work out problems…

Secondly, I don’t think you are being the bad kind of selfish. Wanting to go to school, travel, hang with friends etc are all normal things to want to do at your age and before marriage. It is not sinful.

Depending on your fiance’s thoughts, I would say to extend your engagement. Absolutely nothing is wrong with waiting a bit to get married. If this is the man God has chosen for you then things will work out.

I would tell my sister to discuss this openly with her fiance and then come up with a plan they can both live with.

For instance, let’s say if you go to school you would finish in “X” years. Is he ok with waiting to get married? Plan to do a little travelling during school breaks.

I think that if you guys have a great God-centered relationship then you both can make this work out for the best. The last thing you should do is ignore what you are feeling and get married anyway. Whatever you guys decide to do you need to come to a decision together.

If he has a problem waiting (while knowing that you still want to get married to him and that you have a timeline in which to do it) then maybe you need to rethink the relationship.

A good man should be happy that his future wife is putting so much thought into getting ready to be a good spouse and not just jumping into marriage only to divorce him later because she feels like she “missed out”.

Everything I have said is only my opinion. Things may be completely different for you, but it’s really hard to give advice over the internet with so little background info. So please feel free to ask more questions etc. There are a lot of great people here who will have great advice!

Malia

 

[eirepinkie]

Thank you for your advice! We have already talked about it. He was hurt at first, but he is willing to wait. There are lots he wants to do too. We plan to finish our Marriage Prep stuff so when we’re ready, we’ll have that done.

What still bugs me is I can’t seem to get motivated to move forward with some of the things I wanna do, maybe cause I’m still trying to pick a career. I was thinking of nursing, but my Dad’s fiancee thinks I’d do better teaching. Maybe I’m just at that weird crossroads point, knowing God has a plan and trying to figure out if I’m reading the right signs. If this is what growing up is like, what was I in such a hurry for, lol?

~Stacey

 

[kp1]

Ahh! The wonderful college years to find yourself! I see you are the same age as my sister, so I will highlight somethings from our talk.

Find out what makes you excited or what is your passion. Is it children, learning, painting, reading, healing… What are you genuinly good at? The things that come easy to you verses the things that you really have to focus on.

The answers to these questions are clues for what God might in store for you. You see, all the planning now in your life only makes God laugh. He has a few curve balls coming at you to get you to do what he needs you to do. If you love nursing, maybe you are here to be that hopr for a patient. If you love teaching, maybe you will be the one to inspire the “lost” child of the classroom. You might be called to be a missionary in a foreign country. Maybe you are both and you will be called to be a stay at home mom who home schools her children.

All career plans change when children come into the picture, or if their is a major shift in your family. My mother told all of us to go to college and get a degree. Now that I am a military wife and SAHM she tells me my degree is there should I ever need it. What if something were to happen to my hubby? Now I have chosen to answer God’s call to home school my children, my degree makes it legal to teach in all states to my children, some states require a Bachelor’s degree inorder to not have extra paperwork issues.

So, you need to learn to be flexible. God is in control and will lead you where he needs you. Ask him to give you some clarity, and he will tell you in some fashion or another.

As for getting married, if you are getting unsure, something might be wrong but you just do not know what. Or it could be nervousness on this huge commitment you are now taking, a realization that you have to take your partner’s views into account for your plans not just your own. Let God lead you, but make sure it is him that is leading you! Pray and pray some more!

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Marriage is wonderful, but its a serious commitment that can’t be taken lightly. So if you don’t think you are ready for it yet, then by all means do not enter into it.

With that said, be careful with purity issues. If you are engaged people often see this as a permission to loosen up a bit on purity issues, but this is not true. Long engagements can be real dangerous because of this, so be careful.

 

[Didi]

Boy do I understand where you are coming from!

Shortly after I was proposed to, I really began to doubt. Not my love for him, but just the timing, my education, etc. We talked about it and we went to the Church to pray together one night very late (this was back when the Churches were always open). We sat in silence for awhile, then both felt at the same time that God wanted us to marry, to be together forever. We never looked back.

That was over 21 years ago!

We were married right after he graduated from college (no job yet) and I still had one year of college left. We have moved 13 times, both had numerous careers, have two wonderful children who are adopted (we have infertility problems) and both agree that we have been places and done things we never could have imagined when we decided to get married. And we wouldn’t change a thing!

You are about to embark on an exciting adventure. Our human natures want us to be settled, stay with one career, plan our families, know that everything is going to be just fine BUT THAT AIN’T LIFE! And that’s part of this great adventure with Our Lord!

So, my advice: Pray together about your relationship, the timing, etc. Put it in the Lord’s hands and trust the He will somehow show you what is right. Then continue to do this every day of your life!

 

[eirepinkie]

Thank you, everyone, for the wonderful advice. Someone asked what comes naturally to me? Off the top of my head: crochet, sewing, acting, sometimes writing. I’m sure there are others, but they just aren’t coming to me right now.

~Stacey

 

[JessHav]

Stacey,

I’m here to tell you that you can do all of that stuff and still be married. I got married last spring and I am still going to school to finish up my degree (I have one semester left and then I student teach). I still go out with my friends, and before I got my “big news” a couple days ago, I still drank socially and my husband had no problem with it as he was often with all of us. It gets hard, mind you, when your friends are single and “on the prowl” while you are heading toward a domestic life…but I wouldn’t give up marriage for anything.
I’m not saying that you should go reluctantly to the altar; I was so committed and dedicated to putting my marriage first no matter what, and that’s what I’ve done…
Plus, I’m prepared to forgo some activities and career choices for the benefit of my husband and children…maybe you aren’t there yet. If I’m not able to work, I’ll be okay and yet I respect women who have a great passion for their jobs. I think you are wise, if you have this passion, to wait for marriage because you don’t want to be extremely divided and neglectful of either obligation. It seems that you are well aware that once you are married, that will have to be your first priority and you will have to prayerfully consider having children unless you have a grave reason not to.
Pray, pray, pray! You might change your mind in a matter of weeks, but it may take years to be ready to make that commitment!

Good luck!
JessHav

 

[puzzleannie]

eirepinkie:

The Still totally in love with him- he is my best friend and I truly believe God wants us to be together, but I’m thinking of so many things I can do- go to school, travel, go out with friends, etc. All things that while not impossible after marriage, if I have kids and a husband depending on me, I can’t be out and about following my every little whim. ~Stacey

I am curious why you think you cannot do any of these things after you get married. right, you can’t follow every whim, but you can’t do that now if you are a mature responsible adult holding down a job. A marriage that precludes friendships, travel and education does not sound like any definition of a mutually beneficial supportive relationship to me.

 

[jman507]

Remember feelings can be good indicators of directions to go, but feelings also lie. The best thing to do is to find some silance and pray. There are good things about being single there are good things about being married. Your going to jump from one thing to the next, if you don’t take the time to discern what your mission is, cut away the areas you don’t need and at the proper time.

Think of it as a flower that wants to shoot out new growth everywhere, but if it wants to be as pretty as it ought to be, it’s going to take some pruning at the proper place and time. If you ask me where to do so, I say I cannot tell you. You are the gardener and you are the flower.

 

[maendem]

puzzleannie:

I am curious why you think you cannot do any of these things after you get married. right, you can’t follow every whim, but you can’t do that now if you are a mature responsible adult holding down a job. A marriage that precludes friendships, travel and education does not sound like any definition of a mutually beneficial supportive relationship to me.

This is quite true. I have never travelled more, studied more, or made more friends as I do now that I’m married.

 

[jman507]

Heres a few questions. Where do you want to travel? What do you want to do there?

What do you want in a career? What do you want to study? Why do you want to get married?

You know sometimes you make your plan, but then God throws you into Plan B. And sometimes plan B has almost all the things of Plan A, just twisted in a different way, and even better than what you though you where going to get.

 

[eirepinkie]

puzzleannie:

I am curious why you think you cannot do any of these things after you get married. right, you can’t follow every whim, but you can’t do that now if you are a mature responsible adult holding down a job. A marriage that precludes friendships, travel and education does not sound like any definition of a mutually beneficial supportive relationship to me.

It’s not that I don’t think I can’t do any of them in marriage, I’m pretty sure I can. I feel I should really be ready first, and I don’t feel I’m quite there yet. Does that help explain? Please let me know.

~Stacey

 

[eirepinkie]

jman507:

Heres a few questions. Where do you want to travel? What do you want to do there?

What do you want in a career? What do you want to study? Why do you want to get married?

You know sometimes you make your plan, but then God throws you into Plan B. And sometimes plan B has almost all the things of Plan A, just twisted in a different way, and even better than what you though you where going to get.

Everywhere!! Mostly Europe, kind of see the sights and talk to the people. Get to know other cultures first-hand, that kind of thing.

As far as a career goes, I would like to make sure I enjoy it. Money would be great too- but we can hardly have both, and I don’t want to spoil my children- I would rather they grow up understanding you have to work for something you want/need. That’ll probably out me in a position where I don’t make much money, but so far it looks like both my fiance and I will be working. I don’t know what I want to study! I have studied psychology, and while it’s interesting, I really don’t feel I could find a career in that. I kind of like kids, so teaching little ones is an avenue I’ve considered. I was thinking of nursing, but realized I’m too squimish to stick a needle in someone. And I want to get married maily because I have a strong friendship and support system with this person. I never planned on this, it’s kinda been laid before me (God’s plan B?) and since I was going through conversion when we got engaged, I feel like I not only promised him I would marry him but I also promised God. That’s why I don’t wanna rush into anything. 50% of marriages end in divorce. I love my fiance very much, he is such a wondeful person and deserves so much love. I don’t want to break my promise to him, and I especially don’t want to break my promise to God.

Was that long enough for you? lol.

~Stacey

 

[vluvski]

considering waiting sounds prudent in your case, but you’ll have to make the final decision.
Don’t take your vows until you are certain of the man… AND the timing!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

eirepinkie:

50% of marriages end in divorce. I love my fiance very much, he is such a wondeful person and deserves so much love. I don’t want to break my promise to him, and I especially don’t want to break my promise to God.

~Stacey

Be very careful that, when you decide to marry, you are doing it because it is right, period.

It could be a mistake to enter into a marriage because of a promise you made to your fiance and God.

God wants what is right for you. If it turns out that, for whatever reason, your fiance is not the guy for you, God would not want you to honor that promise but to make the right decision.

Pray, live a little, and don’t do anything only because you feel you have to.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful gifts we can be given here on earth…but it is a one shot deal.

Take your time and really discern what you want out of life, what kind of husband you need, and most importantly, what kind of woman you need to be (or become) to be a great wife.

Marriage is more about giving than getting. Make sure you are ready to give.

I know this is something that you have probably heard a gazillion times by now, but you are young! You have plenty of time to decide what to do with your life. No need to rush anything.

Malia

 

[eirepinkie]

Feanaro's Wife:

Be very careful that, when you decide to marry, you are doing it because it is right, period.

It could be a mistake to enter into a marriage because of a promise you made to your fiance and God.

God wants what is right for you. If it turns out that, for whatever reason, your fiance is not the guy for you, God would not want you to honor that promise but to make the right decision.

Pray, live a little, and don’t do anything only because you feel you have to.

Marriage is one of the most beautiful gifts we can be given here on earth…but it is a one shot deal.

Take your time and really discern what you want out of life, what kind of husband you need, and most importantly, what kind of woman you need to be (or become) to be a great wife.

Marriage is more about giving than getting. Make sure you are ready to give.

I know this is something that you have probably heard a gazillion times by now, but you are young! You have plenty of time to decide what to do with your life. No need to rush anything.

Malia

hmm, I might have been misunderstood.

I’m very sure I’m meant to be with this person. I know you are right about the timing.

~Stacey

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

eirepinkie:

hmm, I might have been misunderstood.

I’m very sure I’m meant to be with this person. I know you are right about the timing.

~Stacey

Good to know. You sound like a very level-headed girl. Don’t worry so much. You and your fiance will know when the time is right (probably about the same time you feel that desire for children ).

Malia

 

[eirepinkie]

Feanaro's Wife:

Good to know. You sound like a very level-headed girl. Don’t worry so much. You and your fiance will know when the time is right (probably about the same time you feel that desire for children ).

Malia

My problem is I’m prone to worrying. If you knew me personally, I’d drive you insane. Luckily it’s been subsiding a bit since I joined the Church.

~Stacey