Not sure i want kids

[Anxious]

I just found out that i have a bicornuate uterus. I also weigh 345lbs, am nearly 30 yrs old, have pcos, endometriosis, pmdd, menorrhagia, hypothyroidism, frequent respiratory infections (lung and sinus) when sick or during allergy season, and anxiety that comes with it all. My cycle is between 15 and 62 days, though recently its between 22 and 45. I was on natural progesterone to help with reproductive system symptoms since 2 to 5 times a year i hemmhorage and soak 36 overnight pads in a couple of days. I stopped taking it 6 months before i got married so that it would get out of my system. The gynecologists ive had in the last 6 years have been very pushy about the risk of uterine cancer if i dont take the progesterone or dont have a kid.

With all of this noise, i cant tell if i even want kids anymore. I understand that theyre a joy that many people crave. Im not afraid of kids, and i dont strongly desire them. Im afraid of my body, and risk to self and children by pregnancy. I feel bad about how i will likely need bed rest towards the end of a pregnancy, and that with how much time off work i need now for periods, im worried about keeping my job. So much would fall to my husband to take care of. I make a lot more money than he does. Where we live (which is on the cheap end of town), we cant make it off one income, and we dont have family with the means to bail us out in a pinch.

We talked to our priest about the current round of bad bleeeds and the doctors insistence on iud for localized progesterone (since i dont handle oral natural progesterone well) and specifically that im not sure i want kids. My intent would be to alleviate the bleeding, not prevent childbirth. Since i just found out about the shape of my uterus, iud may not be possible, and im back to feeling torn.

On top of this, we have been married for 5 months. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and understanding husband. We tried charting bbt 6 months before marriage but couldnt find a reliable thermometer. We paid for our own wedding. 3 months later we bought ovacue with additonal temp probe to try to understand my cycles better. It has been interesting and so far ive learned that my cycles arent behaving the same each time. Since marriage, and since we werent able to figure out nfp before marriage, we havent had sex often while trying to figure out my cycles using ovacue (tracking temp, cervical fluid, oral and vaginal electrolyte levels). 2 months of data isnt much, and that is stressful. So far its looking like we might only be able to have sex during the days immediately preceeding my period due to variability. If we get pregnant, we will do everything possible to have a safe pregnancy and love and accept the child. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist and hope to figure this out soon. I have so many risk factors. I want to be sexually intimate with my husband. I want to please God. Im a big, scared, sinner.

 

[Elizabeth3]

I understand your fear due to your many health problems. It seems like for now you have reason to avoid and that reason may always be there. The idea with using NFP to avoid is that you periodically decide whether it would be a good time or not a good time to conceive, so while we may not definitively rule out ever having children, we continue to ask ourselves throughout our fertile years if we have reason to avoid. If we do, then we do. If that means there never comes a good time to not avoid, then so be it.

I think for now you should be working on your health as best as you can. Get on a good, healthy eating plan and start working on physical fitness like a 10-15 min walk most days of the week and working up to 30 eventually. Doing those things may even help your cycles become a little more regular so you will be able to follow NFP a little better. While you are working on getting healthier, it’s probably wise that you and your husband take a more conservative approach and keep sex for those infertile days after ovulation and before your period like you have been doing. That is something you both will have to continue to evaluate as time goes on.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I know I would never be comfortable with an IUD, nor did I want to put hormones in my body.

(Suggest “Sweetening The Pill” for a look at the dark side of hormonal birth control).

I would RUN (figurtaviely, I’d actually send an email or call) to the Pope Paul VI institute, I’d read everything on their website. Even if you cannot afford to go visit them, they often consult with a local doc. https://www.popepaulvi.com/

Do try to get healthy. Not sure if it would work for you, my son has lost 50 lbs in 3 months on Keto food plan.

To be very honest, a permanent intention against children at the time of marriage can impact the validity of consent, so, have some good talks with your priest. There are many just reasons couples may delay having children, health issues are the most common in my experience, but saying “not right now” is different that saying “no, not ever!”. @elizabeth3 framed it beautifully.

Lastly, don’t forget to have fun with your husband! Go dancing or go have a pic nic in the park, go browse the library together - find a book about a place you would like to visit, find a cookbook of things from that area then cook a meal together for a virtual vacation.

 

[Allegra]

It sounds like you have serious reason to avoid a pregnancy right now and the fact is that those reason might not go away. It also sounds like you have medical reasons to take drugs that will probably render you infertile. Neither of those situations are of your making or constitute a sin. The church allows for the use of medications to alleviate legitimate illnesses such as endometriosis and others, even if they make you infertile. You don’t have to refrain from being intimate with your husband because you are on them. It sounds like you are open to having children, but simply have physical ailments that may make that impossible for you. I think the best thing to do is to seek out the best medical care you can get. Don’t settle for simply being told to take the pill and go home. Maybe, in the future, your condition will become more under control? In the meantime, trust in God and pray often for guidance. Don’t concern yourself with guilt though because it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Have you consulted with a fertility specialist or an endocrinologist?
ray:t2:ray:t2:ray:t2:

 

[Anxious]

My endocrinologist gas been great. He listens and has good advice. The pill isn’t his go to. It would probably be a good idea to see him again about all of this. His help understanding pcos has been better than with the obgyn. The last time i saw him was to talk about getting off of spironolactone 6 months before marriage and that i didnt like metformin. I haven’t been to a fertility specialist- never thought about it since i dont want kids right now. would be helpful for figuring out my messy, inconsistent cycle?

 

[Anxious]

I wasn’t sure whether to include this in the original post because I read somewhere that kids visit the forums, but while we have been infrequently having sex, we have also used condoms occassionally when unsure if I was fertile, since condoms dont cause lasting physical damage/infertility or prevent implanatation like hormones or iud would. This This is my sin. It’s somewhat well intentioned, but still a sin. We have 2 months of data and the cycles are totally different, but it’s going to have to be enough info to stop using condoms. hubby and I agreed from the start that we would stop using them after a couple of months of using ovacue.

 

[Anicette]

Anxious,

I do not want to give medical advice, but genrally speaking, it is advise by many doctors for a woman with endometriosis to not waited to have children because the condition only can get worse, and sterility is a risk.
More, your age and many health and reproductive issues that make the situation only worst. of course, your are not old, but in term of reproductive age, 30 years old, is not a younga age, even if it is now the age which women only start maternity.

I think it was your doctor had in mind.

So, for me, the real questions are:

• is your health can be make better before you try to have children? (loss of weight, more hormones stability etc…?) The issues you pointed are often associated each others (such as endometriosis and pcos and weight and tyroid).
• do your husband and you feel ready to have children?

For your fear of lossing your job, I do not know your contry legislation, but in most the job of a pregnant woman, even in incapacity to go to work is protected. Of course, it would not stop some boss to fired the woman with others reasons. But you can take informations on your right now, if you are not sure.

As the @Little Lady has suggest it can be a good idea to contact pope paul Vi institute, as they deal with this issues all days. And are catholic compatible.

 

[Anxious]

Those are good questions, Anicette. We are trying to get into better health and then re evaluate if we are ready. Im not ready right now. I would much rather have the uterine protection from pregnancy than hormone therapy, but im not ready for kids, and i dont want that to be the reason why i would get pregnant this is currently all pretty confusing for me right now, especially sorting out my intent. I start seeing a therapist this week to help. I dont want kids right now and my health isnt great. I dont understand how to separate these two thoughts enough to think positively about hormone therapy, even for my own protection. This makes it hard to feel like hormone therapy would be permissible for me. The suggestion of the Institute is wonderful. Im excited at the idea of not feeling pressured. I use “i” instead of “we” throughout because my husband’s attitude is that of “lets try to get healthy, then re evaluate if we want kids” and “if it happens, it happens, i’ll love you either way, and if we get pregnant we will love them too”. He is incredibly supportive. I appreciate all of the supportive insight here. Ive been losing sleep over this.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I use “i” instead of “we” throughout because my husband’s attitude is that of “lets try to get healthy, then re evaluate if we want kids” and “if it happens, it happens, i’ll love you either way, and if we get pregnant we will love them too”. He is incredibly supportive.

It sounds like your husband is truly awesome. God sent you a really good husband.
I agree with everything he said, especially the “let’s get healthy” part, since you will need to be in good health to care for baby after it is born as well as during the pregnancy.

Good luck and God bless, I will pray for you.