Not sure if i need to tell my fiance

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Wish_to_stay_anon

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I am engaged.

I was raised christian but became Catholic in my 20’s. I am in my 30’s now. I have a question that I am struggling with and I am hoping for others opinion. I am aware that I should speak with a priest and I will when I can but that does not mean I cant get others opinions in the meantime.

I am struggling with what exactly i need to reveal to my fiance about my past so that it does not make our marriage invalid.

I basically have only sexual things that I would not want to tell her but I am not sure if I am obligated to. The thing is that I was literally a minor… When I was about 5 years old, then when I was 7 or 8 I basically experimented with a couple other little boys the same age as me. I will spare you the details but things were sexual. I was not homosexual and I am not homosexual now. I have no desire at all to do anything sexual with a man. I always liked girls but I cant explain why I did these things. It could be that I became exposed to porn at a young age? And I did tell my fiance that i saw porn at a young age (not even in the 1st grade yet) and use to look at porn. She was understanding and I have not looked at porn in years.

I can honestly say before God that I am not homosexual nor do I have those tendencies. Its so embarrassing and I am ashamed that I did those things. But I was literally a little kid. 8 years old at the oldest!

I will tell my fiance if a priest tells me that I must but something tells me that I do not really have to reveal this. I do not think my fiance would not marry me if she knew this (I am like 90% certain) but that is still not 100%. But at the same time I think since I am pretty sure she would not break off our engagement because of this that maybe it would be better if she did not know because I am not a danger of becoming involved with a man or anything so it is a dead issue in that regard.

What do you think? I thank you and I please ask your prayers as this is such a heavy thing to have on my mind. I cant go at it alone.

(edit, I realized there are some clergy on these forums. Perhaps you could weigh in if possible? Sorry to bother but I really need help)

@edward_george1
@(name removed by moderator)
@Frdavid96
 
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Blessings
HMMMM ! How’s your pull for PORN? What PORN exposes us to, is seeing things that are impossible to find in the real world; Women,who are artificially maintained, but look HOT! Do you want a woman like that,for the mother of your children?? Can you look at your love & feel excited? Are you comparing her to PORN women? Also, they go further than God wants us to, in the marriage bed. Meaning certain parts of the body match like a puzzle. Don’t go where the piece doesn’t fit. I hope you confessed these things. If your Spirit, is content w “Normal” feelings in the sexual area, No problem.Addiction can be overcome w memorized scripture verses. A bad thought comes up, a scripture verse pings in. “I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me” “When I am weak, He is strong!” Google scripture verses for overcoming porn…
To tell or not to tell. I’m a teller. “The truth shall set you free!!” Plus, this may show you, that you may have a tendency to be sneaky & Hide things not to deal w them???
I think Step 11 in AA says, CONFESS ALL THINGS TO PPL YOUVE HURT W ALCOHOL. UNLESS, BRINGING UP SITUATION, CAUSES THEM PAIN.So, there is a place for not telling.
Do you think you will stay faithful? You don’t have to to answer me. Just a thought.
It’s time to check closets for Ghosts!
NEVER SAY, “DIVORCE!” SAY, “FIX IT.”
God, help W, to honestly assess his Spirit concerning his weaknesses. Help heal his past!
Guide him in wisdom as head of the family.
Thank you, Lord
In Jesus name
Amen
Read the letter to EPHESIANS! It’s a cool letter. Chapter 5 or 6 concerns marriage.
In Gods love
Tweedlealice
 
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Thank you for your reply!

No, porn is not a issue for me. The issue is whether my fiance really needs to know about the “experimenting” thing when I was a kid. Plus I already revealed to her that I use to look at porn but stopped when I became Catholic. No need to confess it in confession because it happened before I was Baptised. As I am sure you know, I was given a clean slate at Baptism. But I have talked to a priest about my past sexual and porn “ghosts” outside of confession just because I had to tell someone and I trusted that priest.

I do not think it is that I am trying to be sneaky I just do not want to have to tell something embarrassing if it really does not need to be told. Porn is not my issue at all. It is the other thing I did in my past. I am trying to NOT be sneaky. I do not want to invalidate our future marriage if I have to tell her about those things when I was a kid but do not tell her. That is the issue. Nothing else mental or having to do with addiction.

I can honestly say before God that I do not have any mental defects due to my past nor any addictions that I struggle with. Just the embarrassing facts that happened when I a kid. I will gladly answer your question that yes I am certain I will remain faithful. That is another non-issue.

As much as I think the 12 steps have helped people the steps are not something I want to use to make a decision on this matter lol. But I thank you for your advice and prayers! I welcome any additional comments too…
 
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Oh, I am so happy to get a reply you from you so fast! Thank you! Why is it that I am not obligated to reveal this? Thank you again! Would it only be a obligation if I did suffer from Same sex attraction? Is it because I was just a kid?
 
We all have a past and not all of it needs to be told, but if this secret is bothering you so much at this age, will it continue to bother you going forward?
 
Convert3 said:
We all have a past and not all of it needs to be told, but if this secret is bothering you so much at this age, will it continue to bother you going forward?
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Although I am still ashamed and wish it never happened I have forgiven myself. I was a kid! I could never hold something like what I shared against a person when they were 8 years old, so I do not for myself either. I wonder how many other people can share a similar story but keep it to themselves because of embarrassment.

My issue is if I choose to not to reveal this part of my past to my fiance if it would invalidate a marriage. I got one answer from Deacon and I value that and will try to be calm until I can talk to a priest in person.

I honestly want to do the right thing. But I cant rule out not saying anything might be the right thing. Of course I would rather not bring up this topic and would prefer not saying anything being the right thing. I cant sit here and say I am unbiased. Its embarrassing to think of having to reveal this. But it does not mean I wont ever do it in the future. Even if I am fully convinced I am not obligated to bring this up to my fiance. Thank you for your reply!
 
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You were 8. You didn’t really know what you were doing. She does not need to know this, it has no bearing on your relationship with her. We do not need to share every thought, action or sin with our spouse. Talk to your priest, and let it go. Be at peace.
 
I can’t speak to issues of validity of consent, but it sounds like you’re carrying a certain amount of baggage from these incidents. It is not normal to look at porn so young; how did you get it? It also seems that you’re afraid of how your fiancee would react if she were to learn of these incidents. This in itself is not the best attitude to carry into marriage, because you two will need to be able to trust each other.

I believe you’d benefit from a thorough discussion with a trustworthy priest about how your early childhood has affected your development and what repercussions it might have in your future. Maybe he could help you figure out how to proceed.
 
Wish_to_stay_anon said:
But I was literally a little kid.
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Children touching their genitals, Children imitating what the see on TV— this is not sexual.

Children at that age are not sexual.

I would not give it another thought, let alone tell
my fiancé about it. I would talk about it with a counselor if i was struggling with these memories or thought it would interfere with my adult sex life.
 
Thank you so much! People seem to be confirming what I am thinking.

The good thing is that I do not think these memories affect me. At least not anymore than just the fact that I am embarrassed by them and would prefer nobody ever know. I am in my 30’s now, have a good career, live a normal boring life. Work, Church, Fiance, repeat lol. I probably only thought about this a couple times every other year until my engagement.

Thank you again so much!
 
The devil hates sacrements. He tempts us to procrastinate confession, etc. You are on the verge of living out your beautiful vocation. It sounds like the tempter trying to sow despair.

I wouldn’t hold anything my husband did at 8 against him, if that helps. I also wouldn’t feel betrayed by not hearing in advance sins from when he was 8.
 
DisorientingSneeze said:
The devil hates sacrements. He tempts us to procrastinate confession, etc. You are on the verge of living out your beautiful vocation. It sounds like the tempter trying to sow despair.

I wouldn’t hold anything my husband did at 8 against him, if that helps. I also wouldn’t feel betrayed by not hearing in advance sins from when he was 8.
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God bless you and thank you.
 
I wish to thank everyone who replied. It is all in the past now… I told my Fiance… She looked at me with a “is that all?” look and told me she still wants to marry me. I decided even if I was not obligated to tell her that it might be beneficial to get it off my chest and help let it go. I am so glad I did. It lead to a rather good discussion and I feel closer to my fiance than ever. God is good.
 
Wish_to_stay_anon said:
I wish to thank everyone who replied. It is all in the past now… I told my Fiance… She looked at me with a “is that all?” look and told me she still wants to marry me. I decided even if I was not obligated to tell her that it might be beneficial to get it off my chest and help let it go. I am so glad I did. It lead to a rather good discussion and I feel closer to my fiance than ever. God is good.
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Indeed. I don’t know about the impact on validity of a marriage but if the thought of someone finding out something worries me my attitude is make sure I’m the one to tell them.

She took it well and now you don’t need to worry about what will happen if she finds out.
 
1ke said:
Children touching their genitals, Children imitating what the see on TV— this is not sexual.

Children at that age are not sexual.

I would not give it another thought, let alone tell
my fiancé about it. I would talk about it with a counselor if i was struggling with these memories or thought it would interfere with my adult sex life.
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This. Lots of kids touch themselves and do stuff like this. It’s not sexual. They’re just kids. Don’t worry about this.
 
Wish_to_stay_anon said:
but I cant explain why I did these things
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Because you were a little kid, and little kids do weird and goofy things not understanding the implications of what they are doing.

In the olden day’s, this was called “playing doctor”.
 
I mentioned that 11 th step because it states to tell all BUT. BUT NOT if it would hurt the hearer of the message. There is the reason NOT to tell.
You sound like a nice guy, grounded in Christ. May you abundantly have joy in your marriage while creating your family.
 
Just read this!! Very good. Secrets can come around & burn us.
 
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