Not sure why I have these feelings

[ewohdrol]

I have been married for 16 years. We have two beautiful children and from the outside have a charmed life. We are both highly educated, have well paying jobs and have been privileged enough to pay off our mortgage, have lived overseas and travelled extensively.

We often get comments about how much we enjoy each other and it is an ongoing joke in my family/friends how well we get along together. We rarely fight and he is overall a lovely husband and amazing father. I was the full time stay at home parent for 5 years and he then took 3 years leave while I had to go back to my job. This worked out incredibly well for both our careers, our relationship and the kids were well looked after and loved.

I am practicing catholic, he is protestant but comes along to mass each week and is happy to let me be the guide on our spirituality. He is just happy to be christian and doesn’t really get dogmatic differences which is fine. None of this really applies to this situation. Just some context.

For the past few years I have become increasingly paranoid about him leaving or cheating on me. I find myself reading online cheaters forums and begin analyzing behaviours and situations. I find myself getting needy or sulky which I hate. Tonight he has gone to the movies with friends and I feel jittery and anxious. The though of getting older makes me feel even more upset that I can’t “hold him”.

Most people would be surprised if I voiced this. I am popular and confident. I have a good network of friends and generally extroverted. He has done nothing to warrant these feelings. I have spoken to him and he is kind and understanding. Although it would be incredibly draining for him to constantly have to be the rock for me. I feel his frustration at times and I totally get it.

So I want to change. I need to look beyond myself and focus on prayer and other people. I’m hoping this will give me some perspective. But don’t know where to start to be honest. I find repetitive prayer (ie. Rosary) very hard to do. You can thank my homeschooled forced religious education for that!

 

[UpUpAndAway]

I find myself reading online cheaters forums and begin analyzing behaviours and situations.

From what you’ve said, this, in my opinion, is the root of your problem. Stop going on these forums! They are not enriching your life in any way!

Start with that, and use the time you save to pray and do nice things for your husband. He sounds like a good guy to me. :+1:t3:

God bless

 

[guanophore]

So I want to change.

This is the most important thing. No matter what feeling with which we struggle, if we are willing and ready, God will heal all of our inner self and conform us to His image.

I need to look beyond myself and focus on prayer and other people.

This is wise, and your intuition is serving you well as you follow the Holy Spirit.

I’m hoping this will give me some perspective.

You are also right that all of this rests in a change of perspective. When we put on the perspective of God, it changes us. God does not want you to be anxious and paranoid, but to trust in Him and rest in His grace.

But don’t know where to start to be honest. I find repetitive prayer (ie. Rosary) very hard to do. You can thank my homeschooled forced religious education for that!

There are many forms of prayer. One of the beauties of the Catholic faith is the depth and variety. After 2000 years of people praying, much has been learned and shared. You just need to explore and find what fits best for you.

I don’t do well with the Rosary either. It is better than it once was, but my brain cannot “meditate” on the mysteries while I keep track of the beads so it is frustrating. I prefer Lectio Divina.. I recommend you start with the daily readings..

The more you focus on developing trust with God, the easier it will spill over into other areas of your life.

 

[Vico]

…
So I want to change. I need to look beyond myself and focus on prayer and other people. I’m hoping this will give me some perspective. But don’t know where to start to be honest. I find repetitive prayer (ie. Rosary) very hard to do. You can thank my homeschooled forced religious education for that!

You have rebellious feelings of resentment toward your parents for doing what they promised to do? That is an understandable feeling for a child to have, for we all have to make our own decisions. The assent to faith is fueled through grace in divinization. It can be natural to converse with God throughout the day in one’s own form of prayer, even silent contemplation.

Catechism

1988 Through the power of the Holy Spirit we take part in Christ’s Passion by dying to sin, and in his Resurrection by being born to a new life; we are members of his Body which is the Church, branches grafted onto the vine which is himself:36

[God] gave himself to us through his Spirit. By the participation of the Spirit, we become communicants in the divine nature. . . . For this reason, those in whom the Spirit dwells are divinized.37

480 The Word became flesh to make us " partakers of the divine nature ":78 "For this is why the Word became man, and the Son of God became the Son of man: so that man, by entering into communion with the Word and thus receiving divine sonship, might become a son of God."79 "For the Son of God became man so that we might become God."80 "The only-begotten Son of God, wanting to make us sharers in his divinity, assumed our nature, so that he, made man, might make men gods."81

 

[Lee1]

Fears are easily fuelled, all you need do is dwell on them. We also tend to have a bias filter too, we may see innocent behaviour as cunning if we so wish. A tiny tear becomes a gaping hole. A minor trouble a catastrophe. I think we can both guess who might encourage these kinds of thoughts, I can almost hear the hiss in paradise right now.

Perhaps you could revisit some of the things you used to do together and re affirm your connectedness.

Also, I know that not everyone can do this but if you make God your main relationship then all others become secondary. People change, sometimes they pass on but God is constant. I have to say that as soon as I realised that God was real…well put it this way, I felt less pain from the world.

 

[AngelaMarie]

OP, you didnt mention your age. Some women experience a spike in anxiety when they enter peri-menopause.

Talk to your Dr if what you are experiencing is newer.
I also agree with stay away from any forums that feed your anxiety and paranoia.

 

[ewohdrol]

Interesting AngelaMarie.

I am 35 but I have premature ovarian failure which brings about peri-menopause. I am being medicated for it so all physical symptoms have been masked. Actually thank you so much for your post because it does explain the sudden change in anxiety (I rarely am!)

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

People get weird and goofy feelings and ideas. Sometimes they just come out of nowhere.

I find myself reading online cheaters forums and begin analyzing behaviours and situations.

For heaven sake stay off those forums. Everybody with a sob story ends up telling it on the internet

 

[Daisy]

We have two beautiful children and from the outside have a charmed life.

You talk about appearances. And It doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t really matter that you’ve done all the right things and have a glossy cover photo. People honestly don’t really care. They only care about how you make them feel. And God doesn’t care what things you’ve achieved and how your family appears. This will all pass away, and soon. Focus on your heart and your children’s hearts. Focus on your husband’s heart and work to understand him better by taking time to listen to him—really listening, no interpretation or interruptions. Work to understand yourself better and to voice your needs to your husband in a kind way.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I find myself reading online cheaters forums and begin analyzing behaviours and situations

That sounds like a super toxic place. Gasoline to the fire of your paranoid feelings.

Have you been able to go out together without the kids at all lately? Make dating eachother a priority.

Maybe you two could find some kind of religious goal to work toward together since praying together can be extremely intimate.

 

[ewohdrol]

ave you been able to go out together without the kids at all lately? Make dating eachother a priority

No unfortunately and that is a huge problem for us. Neither of us have supportive families around and the kids aren’t old enough for me to pay a babysitter as yet (or me to bd comfortable with that). We do go out as a family often but it is always to kid friendly venues.

Thanks all for your advice. I’ve deleted the infideltiy forums and am looking at alternative ways to change.

 

[Fraevo63]

Discussing issues about your spouse on online forums is extremely hazardous to your marriage. Especially if your spouse isn’t aware of it.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

No unfortunately and that is a huge problem for us. Neither of us have supportive families around and the kids aren’t old enough for me to pay a babysitter as yet (or me to bd comfortable with that). We do go out as a family often but it is always to kid friendly venues.

Check the parishes in your area. Mine has a monthly datenight where you watch a short marriage enrichment video and then you can leave for 2 hours for a date with your kids in childcare. It’s the only way we have been able to go on dates and its made a huge difference in our marriage. Look in particular for parishes that offer childcare at mass or other events, they are more likely to be able to offer something like this.