Obedience to parents

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Hi there,

I wondered - when the bible says that children should obey their parents, what does it mean?

is it right for a father to simply tell his children (no matter how old) what to do, rather than asking them? For example, if a father texts his child (30 years old) saying you will organise a family meeting, is that acceptable by Catholic standards since he is the father? does he have authority to command that his children do things, or should he be asking them? I am confused because when i try to reflect on how God speaks to us, I find that he does command people, e.g he said to the disciples ‘follow me’, not ‘do you wish to follow me’, and the angel told Mary that she would conceive a child, he didn’t aks ‘do you want to be the Mother of God?’, but then elsewhere in scripture i recall a passage (i cannot remember the reference) which suggest that Christ ‘knocks on our door’, thus making me think that even God asks.

So, am I expecting too much by expecting a father to always ask his children to do things, rather than commanding them to? Is it within his right/role as a father to simply dish out commands to his children, and does this extend to how he can speak to his wife?

I hope that makes sense.

I would really value your opinion!
 
Hi there,

I wondered - when the bible says that children should obey their parents, what does it mean?

is it right for a father to simply tell his children (no matter how old) what to do, rather than asking them? For example, if a father texts his child (30 years old) saying you will organise a family meeting, is that acceptable by Catholic standards since he is the father? does he have authority to command that his children do things, or should he be asking them? I am confused because when i try to reflect on how God speaks to us, I find that he does command people, e.g he said to the disciples ‘follow me’, not ‘do you wish to follow me’, and the angel told Mary that she would conceive a child, he didn’t aks ‘do you want to be the Mother of God?’, but then elsewhere in scripture i recall a passage (i cannot remember the reference) which suggest that Christ ‘knocks on our door’, thus making me think that even God asks.

So, am I expecting too much by expecting a father to always ask his children to do things, rather than commanding them to? Is it within his right/role as a father to simply dish out commands to his children, and does this extend to how he can speak to his wife?

I hope that makes sense.

I would really value your opinion!
 
iseekwisdom said:
Hi there,

I wondered - when the bible says that children should obey their parents, what does it mean?

is it right for a father to simply tell his children (no matter how old) what to do, rather than asking them? For example, if a father texts his child (30 years old) saying you will organise a family meeting, is that acceptable by Catholic standards since he is the father? does he have authority to command that his children do things, or should he be asking them? I am confused because when i try to reflect on how God speaks to us, I find that he does command people, e.g he said to the disciples ‘follow me’, not ‘do you wish to follow me’, and the angel told Mary that she would conceive a child, he didn’t aks ‘do you want to be the Mother of God?’, but then elsewhere in scripture i recall a passage (i cannot remember the reference) which suggest that Christ ‘knocks on our door’, thus making me think that even God asks.

So, am I expecting too much by expecting a father to always ask his children to do things, rather than commanding them to? Is it within his right/role as a father to simply dish out commands to his children, and does this extend to how he can speak to his wife?

I hope that makes sense.

I would really value your opinion!
Click to expand...
A 30-year-old who is not living at home and is not dependent on their parents is no longer a “child,” and is not under the authority of their parents. For their grown children, parents act as “beloved advisors,” not “authorities.”

If the 30-year-old is still living at home and/or is still largely dependent on the parents, then the 30-year-old IS still a child, essentially, and I think the parents have a “right” to “command.” Whether or not that strategy is the best strategy for parents is questionable, but then, the whole idea of a 30-year-old who is healthy but still living at home and still dependent on parents is questionable, too.

I believe that as long as children still live at home with parents, the parents have the parental right to “command” a child to do something, and the child should obey unless they are being asked to sin.

I see nothing wrong with a parent telling a three-year old to “pick up your toys, please,” and expect obedience. I don’t see that a parent needs to say, “I would really like it if you would pick up your toys.” That’s not clear direction for a three-year old.

I see nothing wrong with a parent telling a ten-year old, “No, you cannot go to that movie.” Certainly they should talk it over and the parents should give reasons. Tthey wouldn’t do this with a 3-year-old who can’t understand the reasons, but a 10-year-old should be able to understand the reasons. But in the end, the parents are in charge and have the right to “command” the 10-year-old not to go to a certain movie.

I see nothing wrong with a parent telling a 16-year old, “Please mow the lawn today.”
I think most good parents will use the “command” less and less as their children grow older and become teenagers. Instead, they will develop a “town hall meeting” approach–“We need to get some things done around here, so let’s talk about who’s going to do what, and make an agreement that is acceptable to all of us, including you, the teenager.”

But a parent who “commands” a 30-year-old who is independent and living away from the parents is out-of-line. If I were the 30-year-old, I would calmly and lovingly tell my parent, “No. I am no longer a child dependent upon you and living under your roof. Your time of authority over me is over. If you would like me to be in charge of arranging a family meeting, you may ASK me if I would please do this, and I will probably gladly do it if there is good reason for a family meeting. I will always be glad to hear your advice to me, and I will probably take your advice seriously because I recognize that you are older and more experienced than I am. But you may not command me to do anything because I am no longer a child.”
 
The command is to honor our parents. For children this means obedience. When one becomes an adult and establishes his independence, obedience is no longer a requirement. We still have to show them love and respect, and all things being equal, I would go so far as to say we owe their opinions strong consideration if not deference. I say “all things being equal,” because there might be parents who characteristically make poor judgments, and I think prudence would suggest we supplement their advice with clear reasoning. The catechism says:

CCC 2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
 
iseekwisdom said:
Hi there,

I wondered - when the bible says that children should obey their parents, what does it mean?
…

So, am I expecting too much by expecting a father to always ask his children to do things, rather than commanding them to? Is it within his right/role as a father to simply dish out commands to his children, and does this extend to how he can speak to his wife?

I hope that makes sense.

I would really value your opinion!
Click to expand...
There is a limit to obedience. As an adult, your discretion comes first.
 
You father has boundary problems big time, that’s not biblical. You should respect your parents, but they should respect you too. At 30 years old you have your own life to live and maybe your own family even.

Respect is given when it is appropriate, but giving it to someone who (I suspect) is some degree of abusive to you does not really qualify.
 
How old are you?

I ask this because in order to understand about obediance then you be wise to read what St Paul writes about it. He writes about wives being obediant to husbands which annoy so many that they don’t go onto the next bit and understand that he also writes about husbands being obediant to wives and children to their parents etc.

Obediance yes, and as children this will mean simple obediance but as we grow up we learn of right and wrong and if someone is making us do something against our will then we have to learn to determine if that ‘will’ is just about us or is that we are being made to do something we really do not want to do and shouldn’t be forced into it anyway whether legal or illegal. If the family was being as obediant as Paul wants us to be then no one would be forced into anything because it is about respecting each other not just simply do as they say stuff. It about listening to each other and recongising we are asking something unfair of the other and making them uncomfortable and if we are listening to Paul through God then families would be a lot happier all around but sadly people object to the word obediant and misunderstand what is being asked of them is what I think:thumbsup:
 
Thanks for your useful insights.

Particularly interesting are the comments re: whilst a child is living with their parents then they should be obedient - this makes sense to me, and I guess as the first comment suggested, living at home at 30 can itself be an issues and is going to probably be a challenging experience for many people, making it difficult for parents to see you as an adult and difficult for you to live a more independant life. Whilst i understand the comment about ‘boundary problems’, i wouldn’t go as far as saying he is abusive. I feel that is verging on being disrespectful to him.

Keeping respectful boundaries is a way forward, and I do like the suggestion of seeking parents’ advise willingly and just admonition. I guess it helps one grow in the virtue of humility which is so difficult to foster in the world today, with all the emphasis on power, status and control.

Thanks once again for your comments and prayers.
God bless you all.
 
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