Obedience to parents

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kira33

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As an adult living with my mother, I am sometimes confused about the extent to which I am supposed to obey her wishes. Should I do every single thing she tells me to do, even if I don’t feel comfortable doing so for the sake of conforming to this commandment fully? I’m uncertain as to when it is appropirate to make my own decisions when it conflicts with my mother’s desires. Any advice you may have regarding this subject would be most appreciated. Thank you in advance for your support!🙂

Kirsten
 
It’s hard to give clear answers. When you are living in your mother’s house, she has a right to expect you to conform to her rules and/or desires, whether they are reasonable or not.

It’s not entirely clear from your post whether you’re living in her home or she’s living in yours. If you’re living in her home, then you probably need to live by her rules; if she’s living in your home, then she needs to follow yours.
 
What specifics are you talking about? How old are you? Do you pay rent?

Are you talking about little things like doing the dishes? Being home by a certain time? Making dinner? Buying groceries for both of you?

Or is it big things, like, “you will not date that man if you live in my house!”
 
i lived at home until recently and im 21, my mom allowed me to go out but i had to be home by a certain hour and she wanted to know where i was, ( i’ve been robbed three times, i’ve been in a few wrecks, and was evenly nearly kidnapped from a gas station so she worries) but a safe rule of thumb is as long as your under her roof your under her rules, be respectful and mindful and grateful that as an adult she allows you to live at home and helps support you. trust me its completley out of love.
 
Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate your advice immensely! I’m 35 years old, paying rent and living in my mother’s home at her request (though am moving out in a few weeks and haven’t told her yet for fear of breaking her heart).

I apologize for not being more specific in my initial post. The issues I was thinking about were situations such as her wanting me to spend time with her when I’d rather be doing something related to spirituality (studying the scriptures, praying, attending Church), her wanting me to accompany her to places/events when I don’t feel up to it, or asking me to keep my room a certain way (i.e., my clothes in a closet instead of a drawer), etc.

What if she wants me to do all the cleaning and cooking, and is not willing to do any of the chores herself? Do I have the right to request that she help with some of the household responsibilities, or do I need to accept her wishes and put her needs and desires above my own? I have always had a hard time asserting my needs, so sometimes I worry that I may be TOO self-sacrificing…while other times, I fear that I am being too selfish and should always put others needs before my own.

I once met a very saintly women (age 26) whose relationship with her parents totally blew me away - she was always submissive and self-sacrificing, and it was so inspiring to watch her interact with them so lovingly. If her mother didn’t want her to wear a certain outfit one day, she would conform to her desires without question, even if the request went against her own desires/needs. She was sooo loving, humble and austere! I strive to develop these qualities, but find myself falling short time and time again…
 
I think honoring your mother and father isn’t just about obedience… it is about being a person your parents can be proud of. I don’t if that helps.
 
It is often hard for adult children to know when to put themselves first and when to obey their parents. Living at home makes it even harder. So it is good that you have decided to move out. Recall Jesus and his mother at Cana. Yes, he did what she wanted but when he was ready. It sounds like you are a good daughter and are good to your mother. Try not to torture yourself. Search for a balance that you are comfortable with and live your life accordingly. God bless.
 
You are a grown-up. You are your own person.

No, no-one is called to give up everything they want in subordination to anyone else, unless they choose to. That’s a different matter and doesn’t seem to be what you are talking about. If you want to store your clothes in the drawer rather than in your closet, that should be your call. On the other hand, if your idea of keeping your clothes is throwing everything wherever all over the house, then that’s something else.

As you are a grown woman, I think your room should be off limits. ESPECIALLY if you are paying rent.

No, you should not have to do allll the chores. There should be an equitable agreement between you as to who does what when.

Your life is your own, You are not a child. Your mother should no longer be making decisions for you. If you cannot live together without her still treating you as a child, for heaven’s sake, move. This arrangement will only bring resentment and animosity over time no matter how accommodating you try to be.

It is not your responsibility to remain a child. It’s your responsibility to conduct your own life with respect for your mother and for yourself. If she cannot treat you as an adult, she needs to grow up. Give her that opportunity. We are given our children to raise to live as adults, not perpetual children.
 
Kira,

It is one thing to be humble and sacrificial, but it is quite another to be scrupulously (and dangerously) submissive to one’s parents… or anyone, for that matter. It sounds like your mother is very controlling.

Does it sound normal to you that your mother even cares about whether or not your clothing is kept in drawers or the closet…?

If you grew up with this kind of control around you at all times, this perhaps seems VERY normal to you. It doesn’t sound normal to me.

God gave you free will and an intellect to know and discern what is right and good. Use it. Obviously you feel uncomfortable about this situation, and I’m very happy to hear you’re exiting it. Prepare to be guilted, but remain strong.
 
I just wanted to thank you for providing me with so many wonderful suggestions re: how to deal with my current situation. I definitely resonated with your feedback. Your (name removed by moderator)ut really helped me to acknowledge some aspects of my relationship with my mother (and others) that I was previously oblivious to. I am profoundly grateful for your guidance, and will take your advice to heart in my future dealings with my mother.

Your sister in Christ,

Kirsten
 
Mom’s house moms rules. If you are still living with your mother you are not an adult. Once you are leave the nest you are turely free to do as you please.

I live at home till 21, I lived by their rules, as well as paid rent. Don’t mess with Mama.
 
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