Obligation to parents

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Amalie

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If my parents are financially a mess- and suffer depression- how can I help them without hurting my marriage? My husband is very rational and sets limits on how we will help them financially in the future, and that’s reasonable ( would never let them starve or be homeless, just hoping they will live on a budget like we do), and be more self reliant.

Is it ever ok to set firm boundaries so their depression and chaos doesn’t impact our lives? I’d like to be a saint but I’m seriously human.
Since financial stress leads to divorce, ( not a goal of mine) how can we help them without it impacting us too much?

Also can I whine for just a moment that our faith is SO demanding that i feel overwhelmed… I’m getting cynical…
 
That depends on why they are in a financial mess if it’s poor budgeting you can take them to see a budget advisor if it’s over spending on treat items your parents can get help with that too. If it’s that they really are not making enough and they have a bit of debt you could look at debt consolidation with them. While they may be in a financial mess there may be away of helping with practical advice that does not involve putting your hand in your pocket
 
Thanks Brendea… very good points!
,I’ve talked to them, bought dave Ramsey books, purchased seminars, ( they didn’t go) and cajoled- wrote up budgets, etc.

The writing is on the wall that they don’t really want to change, but I’m having a hard time accepting it.

It’s not rational to worry for someone more than they worry but man I’m good at it. A good friend has suggested I just let natural consequences happen. But I don’t want to see them suffer. However My worry for them is consuming.
 
Sometimes you can’t help someone if they are not willing to help themselves and I realise it sounds awful but you can’t allow it to cause problems in your own marriage.
 
My situation is the other way around.

Just so you follow the commandment to Honor your father & mother, you will be okay in regards to your parents. Have you read up in the catechism about this commandment?

Here’s a prayer that your situations and your parents’ will be resolved:

A Short
Prayer

Lord help me
to remember
that nothing
is going to happen
to me today
that You and I
together can’t handle.

Amen.
 
Amalie said:
Is it ever ok to set firm boundaries so their depression and chaos doesn’t impact our lives? I’d like to be a saint but I’m seriously human.
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Yes, it is OK. Your first responsibility is to your husband and children. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot to help them. But there’s a limit to what you can do if they won’t change their ways.
 
Do you have siblings and are they also concerned and helping out? Have you had family meetings with them to discuss your parents situation?

Also, do your PARENTS have siblings who they love and trust–can you go to these aunts or uncles and ask for advice and help?

If your parents are young enough, do THEY have parents who can step in and do a little loving tough talk?

Is it possible that they have investments that you don’t know about? A lot of people who are in their 70s and 80s had the opportunity through their workplaces to earn very comfortable pensions, and also to invest in various high-paying options, and perhaps your parents are sitting on top of a good-sized hunk of cash, and they’ve just decided to finally live it up a little. That was the situation with my father R.I.P, and also with my parents-in-law. I actually envy them a little, because they do have a very comfortable nest egg while my husband and I have little hope of a retirement anytime soon.

But if they’re just spending wildly and it’s all 'funny money," I agree with your friend who said, “Let them suffer.” The best way to learn to be responsible with money is to go broke and end up losing precious material items and even everyday living needs and hit rock bottom…

…unless they are elderly enough or in poor enough health that they would not be able to get jobs and therefore would be destitute and in danger of dying sooner than would be expected (e.g., if they couldn’t afford their meds for some serious health condition).

If that is the case, some intervention is needed really soon. you and your husband have to have a meeting with them and be blunt about your ability to pay their way and their responsibility to provide for their own old age. Don’t wait on this.

But if they are in their 50s/60s and in reasonably good health (they must be if they are spending money on non-essentials), then they are still employable and therefore would be able to find jobs and claw their way back to financial solvency. So back away from helping them and scare them a little so that they will be forced to stop the irresponsible spending and start being wise about their future. It’s actually the most loving thing for you to do right now–make them “grow up.”
 
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I’m not very good at replying here.
The situation isn’t totally rational- I think because my dads illness and my mom is so busy working and doing the day to day that she struggles with stressing out over money and getting anxious and hasn’t felt comfortable making decisions.

There’s no hidden pot of money. I wish there was. Thank goodness for social security or we would really be in a world of hurt. There’s maybe a few dollars they could save from eating out occasionally but otherwise they just buy the essentials.

The options are all tough:
A: downsize to a smaller home- ( the logical choice but a big emotional sacrifice for my parents)
B. Keep working and pay this home off and live in it in social security ( 8 years left on mortgage mom will be 73, dad 77).
C. Keep living as they are and hoping my dad gets better and can work and can help out. I think low chance of this.
 
I I’ll continue having talks with them to help them see the future and pray they have the grace and courage to make some hard choices nownto avoid hard choices later. Thanks everyone!
 
If your parents are cognitively intact, they have the right to make their own decisions - good or bad. It’s not your job to save them from themselves.

I recognize that it is hard to see your parents struggling. However, if they choose not to accept help, that’s not your responsibility. It’s THEIRS.
 
As harsh as it seems, you may need to just let them fend for themselves. It may take something like them going through bankruptcy to wake them up to their spending habits.

Going through bankruptcy, they will be required to be on a budget, no wild spending sprees. They will not be able to use credit cards for the duration of the bankruptcy. They would either have to use cash or debit card.

They will be required to take a financial course, many are free (Dave Ramsey’s aren’t available anymore). They will be accountable for every dollar spent. They wouldn’t have to sell their home if they didn’t have anywhere else to go or their car if that is their only mode of transportation.

The important thing is that their bills/debts would be paid at a more reasonable amount. And the stress of their financial situation wouldn’t be placed on you and your husband.
 
When you say that they eat out, are we talking about steak and lobster, or a burger down at the local fast food or diner?

My husband and I eat out a lot and I honestly find it cheaper than trying to plan, shop, cook, and clean up at home. It’s a good time for us to chat face to face, and depending on what restaurant/diner we go to, it’s a social opportunity, which is important for emotional health.

We also often bring home leftovers–another money saver. However, with some older folks, they have a tendency to not follow safe food practices, and they leave the leftovers in the fridge much longer than they should, or they leave the food on the car seat while they are shopping for hours–not good! So if they aren’t capable of taking care with their leftovers, they probably shouldn’t be doing this, or perhaps you should always check their fridge and throw out anything questionable.

We find it helpful to write dates on our leftovers, and usually don’t keep them around if we haven’t eaten or frozen them the very next day.

Also, there is usually a nice Senior discount in many restaurants, so they may be getting a great deal that they could never match at home.

However, if your parents are eating at expensive places and perhaps running up a big drink tab, or tipping way beyond what they should–that’ needs to stop. We eat at a “fancy” restaurant only a few times a year.

Again, my time and my physical energy is worth as much or more to me than my money, and I would rather eat out than do all the planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning up. My husband is always willing to help, but it’s still a chore. So eating out several times a week is a nice way for us to do our food.
 
If they have only 8 years left on their mortgage, downsizing may be an option you can have them consider. This is not advice, just something to look into.
My son is going through financial issues with his mother, my exwife. She keeps asking him for money, but refuses to take action to help herself. She can get social security based on the thirteen years we were married using my income, which would give her more than she can get on her history. But she doesn’t want to have to wait in line at the SSA office. I’ve occasionally filtered money to her though my son to help (with my wife’s approval) her. But now that she can get social security, he wisely doesn’t want to help her anymore unless she signs up for social security and any other available aid. I don’t understand why some people are like this. All we can do is pray for them. God Bless!
 
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