Obligations to estranged family during covid-19 outbreak?

[AnonymousLady]

I have been estranged from my (catholic) family for several years now. My parents were abusive and negligent growing up (excessive violence as punishment, telling me not to tell anyone what they did to me or else, not caring for all of my medical needs, shaming, blaming, screaming etc.), but it was only several years ago that I saw it for what it really was. I also have an abusive older sibling who molested me several times in childhood after they were molested by a relative. I never openly discussed it with my parents but the first time it happened my mum walked in on it and scolded me as well as my older sibling, so the next time it happened I never felt safe enough to open up about it. My (adult) older sibling is also very difficult to talk to. They have cursed at me and habitually yell over me and don’t even pause to listen (all the while insisting I am a terrible person and always wrong). But, several years ago I (naively) decided to confront them on their abusive behaviors but it backfired and it set them (especially my mum) into an intense rage. And, when I told my older sibling that their behavior is abusive they took enormous offense and told my mum who fiercely defended them and proceeded to tell me that I was a burden and need to get on meds. I moved out after that and I haven’t spoken in person or on the phone with them since.

I worry about my parents a lot because despite everything that has happened I love them a lot. This split in the family breaks my heart daily. But, it especially has been hard during this coronavirus pandemic. I’m grateful that the place where they live in is one of the least effected in the country, but it still worries me especially since they only write me to say someone has died or was very ill several months after the fact. I had a letter to send them the other day, but I realized that 1. they might not write back and 2. if they do write back there is a strong possibility of them not mentioning if everyone is okay, playing mind games, or telling me that I am not doing enough for them, all of which has happened before in the past. (I’ve tried to keep in contact in the past but they have used those times as opportunities to hurt me. And, when I don’t contact them there is radio silence on their end and they almost never make an effort to reach out to me despite having my contact info.)

Practically speaking, I don’t know what is the right thing to do in this situation. Contacting them has a strong likelihood of provoking them to anger or bitterness and not contacting them leaves me feeling scared for them since they are more on the elderly side. From their past words and actions it seems that from their point of view I’m not part of the family anymore. Thoughts? Should I just keep them in prayer and trust God on this, or is is worth it reaching out?

 

[Horton]

Why would you contact them now? As opposed to any other time? You expect them to hurt you so why would you put yourself in a position to be hurt?

Pray for them, pray for healing, and pray that one day you can all move past the hurts you’ve caused each other.

 

[tagtotaloffice]

Send them a letter of good will and ignore any mind games. Pray for them and yourself, and the material on this site may help you to heal from the wounds you were subjected to: Catholic Christian Psychology | Religion and Psychology (he goes into immense God given detail on family issues). It is always in God’s hands, and you can’t control them. Just keep praying

 

[mrsdizzyd]

No, you are not obligated to reach out. Based on that you have written here, it would be exceedingly imprudent and perhaps unsafe to do so.

Pray for them and maintain safe and appropriate boundaries.

 

[Legend]

Yes. Pray for them, but don’t open yourself to further abuse. If they call you, be polite but end the call if/when it becomes abusive.

These times are hard enough, without inviting more trouble. Hope you get thru OK. God Bless!

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

It depends on how strong you think you are ATM, like for instance, if you reach out and it goes badly, can you stand it?
Or do you have a real life shoulder to cry on?

In my own life, I’m not technically “estranged” from anybody, but a complicated event happened two years ago, and I’m not comfortable reaching out to a few family members (it’s their dysfunction and fight, but if I approach anybody I WILL be drawn in and made to take sides).
I check their Facebook to make sure they’re okay, and I’ve dedicated rosaries for them. I don’t hate them and they don’t hate me, it’s just all incredibly awkward.