Okay to Go to Catholic-Non-Catholic Wedding?

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DakiniArtist

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Arghh…

I know I’ve seen this before somewhere. Please forgive me.

I’ve had a lot on my plate. A lot. Our family is going through it right now anyway.

I’m actually joining the Church Saturday. I don’t know what to make of it. Can’t get my head around it. It’s finally happening, and it’s so surreal and wonderful it’s like being told I’m about to get a million dollars deposited into my account.

So, forgive me that I can’t find the answer and I think I know this.

My lapsed brother-in-law is marrying a non-Catholic soon. I think that one is not supposed to attend this sort of wedding (there is no dispensation by the Church; this is the guy who told me I’m stupid for joining the Church and "if you want to take communion just do it; they don’t check your Catholic card at the door:).

So do I go to confession after the wedding?

Okay. Thanks in advance. I’m definitely going. Not going would be World War III and would make the Church look worse in my husband’s and his family’s eyes, for sure, so I will take this one on myself, quietly. I will not do something that will make the broaden that rift and their anger at the Church worsen. 😦

Of course, I could be mistaken and going is okay. Thanks for your patience. I’m really exhausted and super stressed.

:grouphug:

Catie
 
1ke said:
This is something you should talk to your pastor about.
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Ooh. Good point. I’ve got a couple of weeks, too. Thanks, my friend.

I’m just being a bundle of stress right now! :rolleyes:
 
This is strictly a matter of prudential judgment. If not going would cause a rift and misunderstandings, then going is the more prudent thing to do. The Church encourages us to reach out in love to others. If you aren’t to be a formal witness you may attend at your own discretion. You’ll just be a guest not one of those who sign the license or performs the ceremony.
 
I’m not in the wedding party.

Not going would really just make them hate the Church even more. 😦 They would not understand.

I’m certainly going to talk to Father about it.
 
Here’s what I was told by a priest when I was in a similar situation.

If the person claims to be Catholic and is marrying outside the Church, you cannot attend.

If the person does not claim to be Catholic, then s/he is not going against the Church, so you can attend the wedding.
 
DakiniArtist said:
Arghh…

I know I’ve seen this before somewhere. Please forgive me.

I’ve had a lot on my plate. A lot. Our family is going through it right now anyway.

I’m actually joining the Church Saturday. I don’t know what to make of it. Can’t get my head around it. It’s finally happening, and it’s so surreal and wonderful it’s like being told I’m about to get a million dollars deposited into my account.

So, forgive me that I can’t find the answer and I think I know this.

My lapsed brother-in-law is marrying a non-Catholic soon. I think that one is not supposed to attend this sort of wedding (there is no dispensation by the Church; this is the guy who told me I’m stupid for joining the Church and "if you want to take communion just do it; they don’t check your Catholic card at the door:).

So do I go to confession after the wedding?

Okay. Thanks in advance. I’m definitely going. Not going would be World War III and would make the Church look worse in my husband’s and his family’s eyes, for sure, so I will take this one on myself, quietly. I will not do something that will make the broaden that rift and their anger at the Church worsen. 😦

Of course, I could be mistaken and going is okay. Thanks for your patience. I’m really exhausted and super stressed.

:grouphug:

Catie
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Satan is going berserk that you are joining the Roman Catholic Church, be strong and enjoy this week above everything else.

You will be surprised how powerful the Rosary is!
 
Talking to a trusted priest is always a good idea. In addition to that, I have a couple of thoughts:

1-It’s not a good idea to commit a sin with the plan to go to confession afterwards. I’m sure you can see how the confession might be disingenuous? I believe this even has been named - the sin of presumption.

2-The issue is not that the wedding isn’t Catholic, but that your brother-in-law, who IS Catholic (though lapsed), is not able to have a valid marriage outside of a Catholic wedding, unless he has received the proper dispensation to do so. Two non-Catholics getting married in a non-Catholic wedding can have a valid marriage and attending wouldn’t be an issue, as long as there weren’t any other major impediments. You may already know this, but I thought it might be helpful to clarify in case you or another reader, weren’t sure.

3-My understanding is that it is fairly clear that one shouldn’t be an active participant in an invalid wedding. This means you shouldn’t be in the wedding party - which you are not. Mere attendance does not constitute the level of participation that is forbidden.

4-As for attendance at the wedding, this is a prudential judgment, which you might get different advice about from different people. Based on that, I would think that attendance wouldn’t be so bad as to necessarily require confession.

5-If you have children, their proper formation in the faith is a stronger obligation than maintaining family ties with your other relatives. In that case, one must be mindful of the message that their children will get when considering whether or not to attend a wedding. Still a prudential judgment, and not something that is expressly forbidden, but not something to take lightly, even knowing that taking a stand will make waves. Other options would include going but not bringing your children, not attending, but not making a stink about the reason why, or being honest, but loving, and asking the family to respect your need to be true to your beliefs just as you respect their right to make THEIR own decisions.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
Talking to a trusted priest is always a good idea. In addition to that, I have a couple of thoughts:

1-It’s not a good idea to commit a sin with the plan to go to confession afterwards. I’m sure you can see how the confession might be disingenuous? I believe this even has been named - the sin of presumption.

2-The issue is not that the wedding isn’t Catholic, but that your brother, who IS Catholic (though lapsed), is not able to have a valid marriage outside of a Catholic wedding, unless he has received the proper dispensation to do so. Two non-Catholics getting married in a non-Catholic wedding can have a valid marriage and attending wouldn’t be an issue, as long as there weren’t any other major impediments. You may already know this, but I thought it might be helpful to clarify in case you or another reader, weren’t sure.

3-My understanding is that it is fairly clear that one shouldn’t be an active participant in an invalid wedding. This means you shouldn’t be in the wedding party - which you are not. Mere attendance does not constitute the level of participation that is forbidden.

4-As for attendance at the wedding, this is a prudential judgment, which you might get different advice about from different people. Based on that, I would think that attendance wouldn’t be so bad as to necessarily require confession.

5-If you have children, their proper formation in the faith is a stronger obligation than maintaining family ties with your other relatives. In that case, one must be mindful of the message that their children will get when considering whether or not to attend a wedding. Still a prudential judgment, and not something that is expressly forbidden, but not something to take lightly, even knowing that taking a stand will make waves.
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👍 Yes to all of this.

I have been in a situation where I was subject to a “switcheroo” as a member of the wedding party - the bride (non-Catholic) was marrying a (lapsed) Catholic, and I found out only a short time before the wedding that they had decided to not have a Catholic wedding after all. That was super awkward. I went through it with it anyway, but now I wish I wouldn’t have.

I think it best to consult your priest about your specific situation. In general, this is how I would handle it, if I knew ahead of time that the marriage would not be valid: simply sending my regrets on the reply card. But this gets tricky for close relatives, and in those cases I might simply show up to keep the peace and pray that the couple find their way back to God.
 
Come this summer, we will have been through this 3 times. The first time, it was dh’s cousin with whom we were not close at all. But she had asked our kids to be in the wedding, and we agreed, then LATER found out the marriage wasn’t going to be valid. So there was no way around explaining truthfully why we had to back out of the situation. We were as loving as we could be about it, but there was still intense anger (not from the bride or groom, but from a closer family member), and a lot of whispering about us behind our backs.

The second time, it was dh’s sister, and the wedding was sprung on us 3 days before it occurred. It would’ve been pretty hard not to be straightforward about that situation too, and we felt that being honest about our beliefs would be good anyway - we had hopes that perhaps we could be a witness in their case, because of specifics about their situation. Based on the reactions the first time, we braced ourselves for more wrath from the family, but their reactions were surprisingly peaceful. I think it is because we took the high road the first time, and gave an example of handling it maturely. After our initial explanation of what we had decided, we stopped arguing, didn’t take any bait, and did our best to appear utterly NOT interested in making an issue of our lack of attendance.

This third time is a cousin on my side of the family, and again someone we are not close with. We don’t have an expectation that our explanation would make much difference, and it is across the country and at an inconvenient time for us. So when I decline, I am going to share those reasons and not the fact that even if it was closer/easier, we wouldn’t go.

So my point is, there is more than one way to handle these situations. There are times when it is just as well to hold back a little and there are times when it is worth it, or necessary to be fully truthful about your reservations. It is also true that it doesn’t always lead to nuclear fallout. But when it does, it is possible to come back from that.
 
I have always found that compassion and a loving approach to my family is what is important.
It boils down to you, and what you feel is right after your discussion with your priest. I have attended weddings such as these, and always quietly prayed for the couple during the ceremony. I would not participate as a member of the wedding party; but I would also show that this religion, which they claim to be “stupid”, is one of love and understanding.

I agree that you should definitely focus on you and your journey on Saturday! God Bless You and your life-changing decision to enter into the Catholic family. My prayers are with you!
 
Here is why I think it is better to go to the wedding:

Back in the old days it was very common for people to refuse to go to such weddings. This would cause a rift in the family that could be passed down to future generations.

Another reason is this: A Catholic wedding is a sacrament. In order to receive a sacrament, you are supposed to be in the state of grace. If a Catholic believes that he has left the Church and wants nothing to do with the Catholic Church, wouldn’t it be wrong for him to receive a sacrament while in that spiritual condition?

Also, as adults, we are all capable of making up our own minds about which religion (or lack of religion) we want to profess. Such people are capable of getting married. Who are we to judge the state of someone’s soul? Even if you are not married in the eyes of the Catholic Church, isn’t it at least a step in the right direction to be married in the eyes of the State? Much better than shacking up, in my opinion.

And finally, these days it is possible to get permission from a priest to get married somewhere else. Wouldn’t it be a tragedy if someone stayed away from such a wedding because they assumed that a Catholic was being married outside the Church?

Sometimes we will get an invitation to a wedding where we don’t know the people well enough to determine who is or is not Catholic and who has or has not been married before. It would be very rude to ask questions like this. Much better to just be polite and attend the wedding.
 
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