Older & Divorced Versus Young & Single?

[sadowa]

My problem is a twenty four year old I am seeing is raising eyebrows amongst coworkers and aquaintances because I am almost twice her age. The thing for me we are both Catholics in upbringing who went a bit wild, and are starting to see that the world isn’t all it is cracked uo to be. Furthermore, it is not so much what you do, but who you are with and why. This young lady knows I do not play around about a philosophy of love. I see her with an old little dog she took in and I see this stylish sassy art student become all maternal. It makes me think of the unthinkable: both in having babies at all, and the fact with her being from Latin America any babies would be brown. I confronted something like this when I was twenty and couldn’t deal with it. Now I could embrace it.

You can imagine I am full on receiving the why don’t you find someone your own age. Moreover, this is not just being told to me in a joking manner. Frequently by persons who are divorced, or have married divorced persons.

Statistically I imagine middle aged single women are either divorced, gay, or widows. Numbers of woman so , drunk or terribly obese, on drugs to be completely dysfuntional can’t be that large.

As far as dealing with widows it would depend on if they had children and how old they are. I am very insecure and prone to feeling I am in competition. I would feel I could not compete with a ghost in terms of dealing with older children. It is a limitation on my part, but the first time I heard," My dad didn’t do things that way." would cut right through me.

Trying to get somone to stop being gay through matrimony is not likely. I certainly am not going to disturb those waters.

As I stated in the title Divorce is the prominent question There are reasons to divorce: abusers crimminals, drunks, promiscuity with either gender. This is not something to be critical of. Rather, the question is how did you get caught up with someone in the first place? Which leads to why didn’t you notice things faster and move for an annullment? I can’t see how people can have three or four children over fifteen years and just split. I do believe in the concept that some people, especially some men are bums.

This does bring me to the hardest part of all this. Our rules will be staying the same. I cannot trade off being out of good standing for communion to have intimacy with a divorcee no matter how married the government consider this. I resent this rule greatly because I know for a fact that men put their wives through contemptous, demeaning, selfish behavior. We allow a spouse to move away and get out of the house then we say “go it alone”. I am not sure this is how people are made. Finally the fact we do grant annullments shows sometimes a marrigae just isn’t right.However, I have kept the rule, rather poorly, but have kept to it. I even sent someone back to her husband once. I don’t deserve a medal it was merely the right thing to do.

Oddly enoug our rules don’t say much about age difference if my lady friend were American, the Federal Constitution would let her run for the House of Representaives next year. The power to tax is the power to destroy and all that. Maybe then she is grown after all. I would not ask her to the alter lightly. Perhaps I should carry both the Bible to show what it doesn’t say, ( say when she should marry or how old he should be ) and the Constitution ( She can’t run for President , but can seek the House next year again her age ). I wonder how any of you out there are fairly far apart in age?
AC

 

[1ke]

You both seem to be on the same page regarding the purpose of marriage, the practice of your faith, and the living of your lives.

Basically, who cares what anyone thinks?

I am getting married in August, my fiance is 44 and I am 38. We met through Ave Maria on the internet and live in different states. We both dispared of finding a faithful Catholic. I couldn’t give a flip about what anyone thinks about me, him, or our future. You shouldn’t either.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

The frustration you are feeling came through clear enough, but the rest is a little murky to me.

A.) Are you one or both or you catholic and one or both of you is divorced?

If so, this can be dealt with through the church with the help of a good priest. It may take time, but a marriage of good standing in the Church to this woman would probably still be possible.

B.) Do you NOT want to be open to life in the form of possible children by you in a marriage with this lady?

That’s a deal breaker, as that is a requirement of any catholic marriage. You can use NFP in grave neccessity, but even then - you must be open to the possiblity of children and willing to parent them lovingly in the faith.

C.) Is this all about her being a decade or 2 younger than you??? As long as she’s legal and your intentions (pardon the old phrase, not sure of any other word to use though) are honest and shared by her, I don’t see an issue there. Other people are probably just jealous they haven’t found their special someone.

 

[Viki59]

I wish you fortune, sadowa. However you are aware, I am sure, that someone 24 and someone 48 are in different stages of life, and might find it hard to be on the same wavelength in a marriage. A 24 year old is still working on becoming an adult, no matter how mature she is. Her goals might include determining her ideals and beliefs, starting a family, and getting started in a career.
A 48 year old is usually starting to relax from the rigors of starting a family, and is less receptive to beginning at that age. He might be concentrating on advancing in his career, planning for retirement, things like that. They are usually far apart in their social needs, though of course one can’t generalize.
My husband is 16 years younger than I am, and it’s a strain at times. We just are at different stages.
If you are not fixated on this young lady, you might want to consider dating “middle aged women” that you meet at church. There are many fine, Catholic women who are single or divorced through no fault of their own. I would recommend leaving the twenty-somethings to kids their own age.
Peace in Christ,
Vicki

 

[sadowa]

Here is where I must disagree with the previous post. There are not any single women. Where I work for example almost all the women my age who have never married are gay. Almost to a person the not married women who push me onward to marry are divorced and encourage me to marry divorced women. Furthermore. I work shift work at a university. It has something to do with how I met the young lady I mention. The down side sense I sleep go to bed about 5 AM due to my shift is I do not go to Mass on Sunday morning. I travel for another job on Saturday. I can arrange to catch Mass on the road. Sometimes I can go at 7 PM at the University ( Certainly not a Mass to meet women my own age, they are if anything younger than my friend.)
Now I am finally ready to be open to having children. Which would find me at peace with the church rules about being open on this issue, I do not want to go against the rules by involving myself in divorce.I had laready mentioned my hesitation about dealing with widows in that if they have older children I am too insecure in that area to be a “second father.” I think those men that can are special people I do not have that ability. Even if the church allowed divorce the issue of other people’s children would stop me. For every couple I know that has a truce with regards to the well being of the children there is somone using the children to lever and influence their new mate.
I was surprised to see the one person mention go to the parrish there are man single and divorced women. As I mentioned I tend to go to Mass on the road or at a University. It doesn’t meet the definition of parrish life the one respondent mentioned. If I could go back to the parrish I was at, the only not married women I remember were all divorced.
Correct me if I am wrong but would not marrying a divorcee exclude me from the proper state of grace if I married such a person than if I played house with a lady and was not open to having children? In other words I Know living together just for mutual pleasure is not enough. But I thought the rules about divorce were there because couples got together withouot a faithfulness to marriage and opted out because they could. Sure some people can’t be together. I especially think that the fact that there is an anullment process shows the Church knows there are factors such as being too young, finding out faith did not matter to one partner.etc. However, anullment is not divorce, one process is very individualized and specific. I am not going to try to ferret out why some lady at my parrish did not try to get an anullment. I should have metnioned this status as of course I would consider a woman who obtained an annulment free to marry in the church.
No I realize from these thoughtful posts that I would rather be dedicated towards starting a family with a young wife that kept me in good standing with the church with respect to communion. There are divorcees without children. My ex-highschool sweetheart is such a person. When we spoke of her status ( she is dating someone ) I told possible the one certain love of my earlier life I could not even consider marrying her because of her divorce.
Now am I wrong about this divorce thing and communion? Is it a matter if protestants were married and split, or people who got married at the court house and quit, don’t count because it was not a Catholic marrige that ended. Therefore, if we can get such a person to convert they have one valid Catholic marriage in the deck? On the other hand if the divorcee were a Catholic she has used up her chance? For me the rule about not marrying a divorced person has been iron clad. Aren’t the rules about communion and divorce still the same?

AC

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Now am I wrong about this divorce thing and communion? Is it a matter if protestants were married and split, or people who got married at the court house and quit, don’t count because it was not a Catholic marrige that ended. Therefore, if we can get such a person to convert they have one valid Catholic marriage in the deck? On the other hand if the divorcee were a Catholic she has used up her chance? For me the rule about not marrying a divorced person has been iron clad. Aren’t the rules about communion and divorce still the same?

:ehh: ** What needs done to put a divorcee and the spouse they remarry in good standing with the church depends on many different scenarios. But there is always a way to return to communion, if you are willing. Speak to a priest about the problems you are having understanding this - maybe he can trim the options in lady finding down for you! **

---

Have you already met a lady of possible marital material? I think the real issue is to be open to love and let God do the rest.

 

[Sasha]

sadowa:

Now am I wrong about this divorce thing and communion? Is it a matter if protestants were married and split, or people who got married at the court house and quit, don’t count because it was not a Catholic marrige that ended. Therefore, if we can get such a person to convert they have one valid Catholic marriage in the deck? On the other hand if the divorcee were a Catholic she has used up her chance? For me the rule about not marrying a divorced person has been iron clad. Aren’t the rules about communion and divorce still the same?

AC

In terms of communion, if you want to marry a divorcee, she needs to get an annullment. It doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t Catholic, or didn’t get married in a Catholic church the first time. So basically, the rules are the same.

WIth regards to your age difference, only you two can decide that. My husband is 11 years older than me. I realize that is not the same difference you are contemplating, but it hasn’t really been an issue for us. I think it helped, though, that he was raised in another continent, so we would not have had a similar experience growing up, and so don’t expect to remember the same things from our childhood.

If you are serious about this woman, I would suggest that you take some time to ensure that you are compatible, and talk to each other about how she will feel about being with you when you are 60 and 70, and she is still relatively young. If the two of you decide it will work, then who cares what anyone else thinks.

 

[sadowa]

Well thanks for some clarification. I thought an anullment was needed to marry someone older. Yet I am serious about this younger woman. I am not in a hurry. Time has taught me that. She too is from a different continent and is coming along nicely in her english classes. I can reach out to her and her family in Spanish, but I support her efforts to come to terms with what is takes to live here. This is one reason I am not in a hurry. Another is I am convinced you must marry your best friend. this too is a function of time.
AC