On Admonishing Sinners and Stopping Gosssip

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Melodeonist

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This is something I struggle with. I don’t like to “rock the boat”. I don’t like to be “that guy” who’s always telling everybody what to do. Thus, I never speak up, even if I want to.

If people are gossiping and they are gossiping to more people than just me, I’ll be afraid to speak my mind and tell them that gossip makes me feel uncomfortable.

I find that the hardest is admonishing the sinner though. I hate telling people what to do. I feel I’d hurt their feelings or something. I wouldn’t want to do that. However, there is a time and place to admonish the sinner. When that time arises, I just cower in fear.

I’m a very non confrontational guy. I love saying hello to people and talking to them, but I can’t stand telling people what to do. Please help!
 
Sometimes it’s better to form your concern into a question. That makes people have to think to answer you. Then you ask another question after they respond. Pretty soon, they’re the ones in the hot seat, not you.

Another way to express non-agreement is to walk away from a conversation. You can add, “I feel some gossip coming on, I think I’ll get some water.”

Another way to improve the situation is to say something funny. Humor can really help these situations.
 
I feel your pain! I am naturally quite meek and find it difficult to speak up. But often it doesn’t take much more than a simple “I am uncomfortable with this” to prick a conscience and change the direction of the conversation.
 
If you are going to talk about someone why not look for good things to say about them. Be the bearer of good news.
 
As far as gossip goes, don’t listen. It’s very simple. If you don’t want to be part of it, don’t engage the gossip.

As far as “admonishing sinners”, this is really not your job. It is not up to you to tell other adults what to do.
Fraternal correction is one of the most misunderstood things in the Catholic world. It is not up to you to tell someone they are doing something sinful. If they ask your opinion, fine, go ahead and give it to them. But unless they ask, it is really none of your business. Pray for them, of course, but keep your mouth shut.
 
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People have asked you a zilliion times to get a spiritual director.
You have ignored the pleas of those who reply to your threads.
Do you think others would do likewise with your advice? Or do think somehow, they will really appreciate your unsolicited advice? The big difference is, you ask. All the time. And ignore replies.

Don’t participate in gossip. That means not listening (walk away) and not repeating it.
Only give advice when people ask, but much like yourself, remember that people ask for advice and have a tendency to ignore it straight off the bat.
 
I’d like to just walk away, but I’d feel like I’m being rude. I don’t want people to hate me.

I am in the process, I believe, of getting a spiritual director. There’s a guy from the Diocese at my Newman Club who said he could help me.
 
Melodeonist said:
I’d like to just walk away, but I’d feel like I’m being rude. I don’t want people to hate me.
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This is your problem. Who cares if people think you are being rude? Spreading gossip is rude.
And if people who are spreading gossip come to “hate” you, well, then maybe they were not “friends” after all.
 
I think this is one of those issues it is best not to directly confront them. One day if you catch yourself gossiping, these people may be quick to point out your hypocrisy.

Just my suggestions, confronting gossip is a difficult thing.
  1. Change the direction of the conversation
  2. If they are venting, suggest they talk to this person before they jump to conclusions
  3. Remain quiet
  4. Say something good about that person gossiped about or perhaps defend them if the gossip about them is untrue
  5. Avoid this person(s)
 
They don’t sound like kind people to be honest. They may be talking about you too. Ignore it or avoid them.
 
MargaretofCortona said:
They may be talking about you too.
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There is no “maybe”. Of course they are! That is what a “gossip” does.
If someone is going to gossip to you about someone, chances are they are gossiping to that person about you.

Melodeonist, you need to find new friends.
 
Truth be told it’s not really my friends so much as a few of my bosses, relatives, and random shopkeepers to name a few. My friends have way more to talk about than other people. Honestly, I think one reason I made the thread was because I was sitting in a group at after Mass coffee and somebody started gossiping.
 
if you want help in confronting people who gossip; an option is to find someone to roleplay with, perhaps a friend or someone who is in a theater group; pick the situation that bothers you and ask the person you want to confront and just make it as real as possible with out going to any extremes and then the both of you can brainstorm on what works and what doesnt for you.

As for " admonishing the sinner " that is an eggshell one has to becareful to walk on, it implies a lot and is easily able to backfire on one even with someone who has the best of intentions; if your intentions are honest an you are not being some kind of busy body then best of luck in your cause. Just be ready to shrug things off if you get told to take a walk or worse.

Take care original poster

( again people, if anything i say offends a reader, just remember that is your problem not mine, these are my thoughts and opinions and not yours, you are of course free to point out what you disagree with but dont expect me to come back and have a conversation with you , because im not, and im not interested. )
 
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