On Fatherhood

[choose_to_love]

My bride and I have been engaged in an ongoing analysis of what our roles in the marriage and in parenting are. We watched “Fireproof” and “Courageous”, which of course specifically focuses on what the role and influence of the father is and can be. It got me to thinking about how to be a father, and how one learns to be a father. As to the point of this post, I did not have a good relationship with my father in many ways, as he was an alcoholic (although he quit drinking before I had any memory of it), and depressed for most of his life, among other things. That being said, I know he loved me and was a very good provider.

Anyway, I can’t think of many of my friends from high school and college, or peers in my church friendships, who have what I understand to be close relationships with their fathers. Most of my HS/college friends are secular (it was before my conversion to Catholicism), but even in my parish circle of friends, I do not see any of them turning to their fathers for help, advice, etc. What I envision is a father being someone a (adult) child can turn to for advice, perspective, insight, etc. Not that the father would make decisions, but he would be there for his son (or daughter). This is what I would like with my kids.

In looking at it, it would have been great, I think, to have an involved and (emotionally)present father, and it would be great to have a dad to go to with questions about family life, choices made, etc. Again, I hope to have a close relationship with my kids when they are adults, and I hope our values are similar enough that they will want to bounce an idea off dear ol’ dad.

How many of you have that kind of relationship with a parent? What did they do to foster it?

 

[underacloud]

These are my opinions, for what they’re worth…

Relationships between parents and children are rarely as ideal as we’d like (or as depicted in movies). We’d all like to be the sort of parents who’s children greatly value our opinions and freely seek our advice. Reality is often more messy and subtle. One of the key jobs of parents is to instill values in their children to prepare them for challenges later in life. We teach them and discipline them when they are young in order to instill these values. When they are older, we’d love it if they came to us for advice, but it is the values we’ve already taught them that are more important.

Adult children quite rightly make their own choices and decisions. When they want a parent’s advice, it is often approached far more subtly than actually asking for advice. For example, they might say things to a parent to gauge a reaction, rather than actually ask for an opinion. More frequently, they may think you’re out of touch with the modern world and have little to say of value anyway.

One of the hardest tasks for a parent, in my experience, is to rise above emotions and frustrations in dealing with your children (non-adults). It is your job to discipline them, and this can lead to unpleasantness. Your own children may think you are “unfair” (I get this a lot), that you don’t love them anymore, than you favor one of the others, etc. It’s your job to discipline them in an effective manner, but not let them get to you. You may get very angry with them, send them to their room, etc, but you need to put your own frustrations aside and after an appropriate time give them a kiss/cuddle and tell them you love them. They may resent the discipline; they may even refuse to say “I love you back”; but it is your job and it can be hard.

Not having your own father as a role model would be hard. But it can be a blessing too in some ways, since so many of us inherit bad parenting habits from our own parents (who of course did their best in raising us). There are books you can read, forums you can engage in, etc to help you. But I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready for the role of parenting and you have to learn on the job, so to speak.

 

[AthenaC]

It is your job to discipline them, and this can lead to unpleasantness. Your own children may think you are “unfair” (I get this a lot), that you don’t love them anymore, than you favor one of the others, etc. It’s your job to discipline them in an effective manner, but not let them get to you.

Not to comment on how you discipline your children, but this sentence reminded me of a BIG reason why I didn’t get along with my parents for a long time. My parents, understanding that ALL kids (especially teens) think their parents are “unfair,” refused to consider the possibility that they were, in fact, being “unfair.” I see this a lot in extremely strict parents. All that does is teach the kids that their needs don’t matter. Even now, with the wisdom of adulthood, I can look back and point out specific things that I asked for that should have changed. You read that right - even as a teen, I knew better how to parent myself than my parents did (and I even told them what they needed to do so they can’t claim they didn’t know). I hope to be somewhat more open-minded when my kids are old enough.

Anyway, specific to fatherhood - I listen to Dad’s advice a lot because: 1) he’s not preachy; 2) he actually listens; 3) he gives advice by saying “have you considered X?” rather than “You need to do X!!!” 4) he does the Socratic thing where he asks you questions about what he things are the critical points; and 5) he is an intellectual titan (no lie).

 

[underacloud]

Not to comment on how you discipline your children, but this sentence reminded me of a BIG reason why I didn’t get along with my parents for a long time. My parents, understanding that ALL kids (especially teens) think their parents are “unfair,” refused to consider the possibility that they were, in fact, being “unfair.” I see this a lot in extremely strict parents. All that does is teach the kids that their needs don’t matter. Even now, with the wisdom of adulthood, I can look back and point out specific things that I asked for that should have changed. You read that right - even as a teen, I knew better how to parent myself than my parents did (and I even told them what they needed to do so they can’t claim they didn’t know). I hope to be somewhat more open-minded when my kids are old enough.

Are we unfair sometimes? Undoubtedly. My own parents did things that were unfair, and my wife and I no doubt do the same. Parenting is an imperfect science, but we do our best. When a child quips back that such-and-such is unfair, it’s important to considered it. But it’s also important to set rules as best we can, for the good of the children.

 

[AthenaC]

Are we unfair sometimes? Undoubtedly. My own parents did things that were unfair, and my wife and I no doubt do the same. Parenting is an imperfect science, but we do our best. When a child quips back that such-and-such is unfair, it’s important to considered it. But it’s also important to set rules as best we can, for the good of the children.

Right, but in general I would suggest listening if the child / teen has an actual reason why something is unfair. In my case, I knew what my needs were, and I articulated them to explain why something was “unfair,” but my parents refused to even consider that I might need something different than what they thought. So when I say that I hope I can be open-minded, I hope I can be open-minded enough to understand my kids’ needs, even if they are different than my needs or what I think their needs are.