On not worrying about what people think

  • Thread starter Thread starter 30Something
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
3

30Something

Guest
Hello all. I just turned 40 years old and had hoped by this time in my life, I wouldn’t care what people think. I have been Catholic for 6 years now, and am trying to convince myself that God’s opinion is what should matter the most.

I went through traumatic bullying at age 11 because I developed early, and am going through hormonal changes now at 40, and feel like I’m going through puberty again. I am seeing a Christian therapist.

I’m looking for a Catholic perspective/advice on how not to care so much. I have high anxiety and earlier I freaked out that a sensitive email I sent to my priest (asking if an impure thought I had was a sin) might get hacked and my reputation ruined again. I know that sounds far-fetched but am looking for advice on how to develop a thicker skin, etc. Sorry if this bounces all over the place.
 
Last edited:
Well firstly I would advise discussing that sort of thing in confession. Even if it’s not a sin the temptation being outed in confession is a good way to obtain grace for fighting that particular temptation. Confession is a good place to confess temptations for that reason too. Sanctifying grace is the perfect thing to help.

I know you are seeing a Christian therapist but check if they are open to catholic principles or if you can afford to change to a catholic one. Your choice, but the sacrament of reconciliation is going to need to be matched up with your therapy here in my humble opinion. You may struggle to do this on your own, but if that’s not an option then speak to your priest in confession anyway and perhaps out for spiritual guidance. Probably you need to forgive those bullies and the authorities even your parents that let you be in that position. Pray for true repentance and contrition. Don’t expect it to be quick and easy and let God lead you. You could pray the litany of trust (in God) so that you can develop that virtue and work on making small acts of trust in God. The more you trust in God the less you care what others want and care more what God wants. I recommend reading (or watching YouTube clips if you aren’t a reader) the lives of saints too to help strengthen your resolve. Any that appeal to you. God bless you.
 
Thank you so much! I love your suggestions. I love reading about the saints. Lately I’ve been interested in the Saints who have suffered much, and someone pointed me towards St. Bernadette. I believe she is quoted as saying it is so good to suffer.
 
My priest is very familiar with my anxiety and has offered some suggestions and I do have access to a Catholic therapist from my parish. I appreciate the parallels with Reconciliation.
 
Thank you so much! I definitely need to pray for all these things. And yes, I tend to struggle with scrupulosity at times. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
 
I have always liked this quote by Mark Twain. My father used to say his own version of it to us, in an attempt to make us feel less self conscious.

" You wouldn’t worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do. “

Meaning, sometimes we think are attracting attention from people for how we look or act or things we say, when in fact many people are too self absorbed to even notice the things we imagine them thinking about us.
 
Well, I’d like to say that “not caring about what others think” is a good idea, but it’s not. If you don’t care what others think, why should they care what you think? It’s a two way street. Often times people say this but still demand to be listened to and respected. It doesn’t work that way. If you say “You don’t care.” don’t be shocked when others say “Neither do we”
 
I think that all depends on the subject though. If I am wearing a new dress or get my hair cut, I shouldn’t worry about what other people think. I should worry about what I think.

On the other hand, if what I am thinking is going to affect others in some more serious way, then yes, I might worry about what they think.
 
Last edited:
I agree with Irishmom’s statement that adults don’t generally pay that much attention to what other adults are doing.

The way I learned to not care so much about others’ opinions was by having a mother, a boyfriend, and a husband whose reaction to any concern about public opinion was to basically say, often in strong language that I can’t post on this forum, “who cares what they think, don’t pay any attention to them”. After hearing this enough times from my loved ones, I internalized it. If you don’t have an outside person like a family member or close friend saying it to you often enough, then say it to yourself enough times until you internalize it.

It seems a bit unusual to be sending e-mail to a priest asking if something is a sin. That sort of discussion belongs in confession, where you can be assured it will be kept secret.

I would suggest that it might be best for you to discuss this with your therapist, who can have a more personalized discussion with you and make more informed recommendations.
 
Last edited:
When I attempt a paradigm shift like “I no longer care what other people think”, I try to find somebody who is already living that life and see how they do it.
 
Paradoxically, humility frees you so you can focus on God’s will rather than on how you “look”.
 
I’d be careful with the Litany of Humility if you have a past history of traumatic bullying or past struggles with low self-esteem.
It takes time to learn how to say it without feeling like you are repeating “I’m a piece of garbage, make me numb to human emotion, O Jesus.”

I am able to say it now after significant pondering and practicing, but I habitually change the line about “from the desire of being loved, deliver me, O Jesus” to “from the desire of being loved by anyone but you, deliver me, O Jesus”.
 
Last edited:
Somebody once said: God is the best, people are the worst.
It helps setting the bar low, meaning to accept that people will always disappoint you, even family and friends. With that understanding, much easier not to worry about what others think.
 
Well in my case, it comes so naturally to me that my father has lectured me that I had better start caring what other people think. The flipside of your logic is that someone who does so naturally isn’t necessarily able to describe it to other people.
 
Try praying outside an abortion clinic, and when the wicked insult and threaten you, thank them for blessing you.
 
mythbuster1 said:
The flipside of your logic is that someone who does so naturally isn’t necessarily able to describe it to other people.
Click to expand...
Exactly.
Or sometimes a demonstration works better than an explanation.
 
In my case (and I have similar problems as you, but I’m half of your age) there is a certain exercise I do in those situations: try to look at your life from a Last Judgement perspective, throw away the thinking “how people will judge me”, try to think rather “how God will judge me that day”. Does my reputation really have something to do with who I really am? Will looking good in the eyes of others really help me as a future saint?

Now, I don’t know about psychology or other serious ways of solving such problems, but this kind of attitude merged together with prayer always is sobering to me. Cheers and don’t worry too much! 🧡
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top