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chevalier
Guest
Hehe, I don’t pronounce the “o” either.
Sounds like a mighty smug accent, by the way. 
On the one hand, we aren't supposed to be picky when finding a spouse but
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Sounds like a mighty smug accent, by the way.
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thomfra
Guest
Why don’t you just move to a little south to germany then.It could be worse. You could have all of the criteria and beliefs that you mentioned, yet live in a country where less than 1% of the population are catholic
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God bless you
TL
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1ke
Guest
Oh, my gosh. I never wanted to give this impression at all!But I’m realizing a thing or two after seeing yours and 1ke’s postI feel that I’m not “worthy” to be a person’s spouse because I feel that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be “qualified” according to someone’s “list.”
Remember, any such list is not based on external qualities-- like someone must be a size 2, blond, blue eyed, big boobs, and a six figure income. Nothing like that at all. In fact, a person who has those types of things on their list is off my list!!!
We are talking about character such as kindness, love of God, love of neighbor, gentleness, charity, self-control, etc. We are talking about the things that endure. Not the things of the secular world.
You are worthy because you are a child of God. You have inherent dignity as God’s child, and the love we have for one another comes from the love God has for us.
We are not talking superficial qualities. We are talking about the qualities of Heaven.
We all continue to grow in holiness every day. It’s a lifelong process. The most important quality in a spouse is that they grow in holiness with us.I hope I’m wrong. In the meantime I’ll try to transform myself into marriageable material if I’m not at the moment. A part of me feels like I’ll never be good enough for anyone - because if I have such-and-such criteria for someone, then someone else is bound to use the criteria on me…I know…it’s the real worldThe real world hurts
I recommend the book Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. It discusses the idea of the “must have” and “dealbreakers”. These are unique to the individual.
And, remember, if there is a “dealbreaker” that makes someone not want to marry you-- it’s not about you it’s about them. Some dealbreakers are just practical things: Personally, I could not marry a smoker b/c I’m allergic to it. There are lots of nice people who smoke. They will find someone who has no issue with smoking. Smoking is my issue, therefore it’s on my list. Doesn’t make the other person a bad person.
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Sierrah
Guest
For me it comes down to this. When I haven’t been picky I’ve run into trouble. Since there’s no one in the wings it doesn’t seem to matter if I’m picky these days or not. I do insist that there’s honesty, morals and faith in the guys I date. I don’t expect them to be daily mass goers but at least weekly. If your values don’t line up whats the point of dating someone. Believe me I’ve learned that the hard way.
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catholickitten
Guest
Umm, go to pubs and bars… I disagree on that one
I think joining young adults church groups, or church actvities/charities would be a better option to find a nice suitable partner, I mean, at least you’d already know that the person shares your faith and it’d be up to you to find compatibility in the rest…
I mean, I don’t say it’s not possible to find someone catholic in a pub/bar/club… But, what are the odds that the person does actually practice the Faith?
Just my opinion though
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TLDenmark
Guest
Believe me, the thought has occurred to me
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catholickitten
Guest
This is what I tell people when they want to find a spouse. Some people listen, some people don’t.
*]Take the time to pray about your vocation EVERY DAY. Even if you only devote 5 or 10 minutes to specifically that prayer, it’s time you didn’t invest before this. Maybe you’re looking at the wrong vocation. Maybe not.
*]Prayerfully make a list of the qualities you would like in a spouse. Make it exhaustive.
*]Go over the list. What is the most crucial to you? That goes to the top of the list. What is the second most crucial? That becomes #2. And so on. And so on. You will start to see a pattern here.
*]GO MEET PEOPLE, if marriage is your vocation. Meet them online. Put together an ad using your list, on a reliable web site, taking into strong consideration safety issues. Go volunteer for stuff at the parish and other places. Become a mentor to some children. Help out at the homeless shelter. Go play bingo and poker! Take a foreign language class.
*]When you date, check the person against the list. Ask questions.
*]If things get serious, CHECK EACH OTHER’S CREDIT AND LIFE BEFORE GOING FURTHER. Charming people have bene known to be ex-cons.
*]Meet the family. If not, ask why.
*]Keep praying the whole time. Ask your friends to pray, too.
Perfect! I made a list more than a year ago, and my BIG mistake was not to follow it, I kept the list in my drawer and NEVER took a look at it again, when considering a date and things went awefully wrong…
I’m gonna take it out again and do just that, since when I made it I felt kinda silly
, but now I see that I’m not the only one with “lists” in mind…
I enjoy making lists of everything anyway , I will pray to God to put more clarity in my mind, and add (or take) things from my list.
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Crazy_Diamond
Guest
Do any of you have in your parishes somebody who seems to be good at setting up “matches”? In the US, we’re such an individualistic society that part of the assumption is that we’re looking for a spouse by ourselves. It’s not a team sport, if that’s a decent analogy, not even a family sport. The difficulty in finding a spouse is such a recurrent theme among single people that I almost wonder if “matchmaker” shouldn’t be considered a spiritual gift.
I know other cultures do things differently, with formal matchmakers. We do have a sort of equivalent, in internet matching and dating sites, but it’s still based entirely on our perceptions of ourselves and what we think is important. I wonder how different people’s “profiles” would look if they got filled out by family and friends.
My wife and I found each other by semi-miracle. Neither of us thought the other would be an appropriate match for the first six years we knew each other, although we were friends. That’s one reason I would say if you think you’re called to marriage, and you know someone that would match your requirements for character, etc, but you don’t get that in-love feeling around them, consider them a possibility anyway. Some cultures find it perfectly appropriate to fall in love after getting married. They find it strange we base marriage on love and not the other way around.
There’s nothing I know if in Catholic tradition that requires those gooey feelings before marriage. For a long time, marriage was almost more like a corporate merger than a union of emotions. I’m curious what you think of that.
I know other cultures do things differently, with formal matchmakers. We do have a sort of equivalent, in internet matching and dating sites, but it’s still based entirely on our perceptions of ourselves and what we think is important. I wonder how different people’s “profiles” would look if they got filled out by family and friends.
My wife and I found each other by semi-miracle. Neither of us thought the other would be an appropriate match for the first six years we knew each other, although we were friends. That’s one reason I would say if you think you’re called to marriage, and you know someone that would match your requirements for character, etc, but you don’t get that in-love feeling around them, consider them a possibility anyway. Some cultures find it perfectly appropriate to fall in love after getting married. They find it strange we base marriage on love and not the other way around.
There’s nothing I know if in Catholic tradition that requires those gooey feelings before marriage. For a long time, marriage was almost more like a corporate merger than a union of emotions. I’m curious what you think of that.
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Crazy_Diamond
Guest
It can’t be that far. You shouldn’t have to move. Can’t you just visit? I mean, Denmark’s what, the size of New Jersey? West Virginia, maybe?Why don’t you just move to a little south to germany then.
TLDenmark;4502472:
Believe me, the thought has occurred to me
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TLDenmark
Guest
We are a smaller country than most US states, so that sounds about right. Also since I plan to finish my university degree in 6 months, I would be open to a long distance relationship. But who knows what the future will bring
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Lady_Bug
Guest
Sorry but I won’t bother getting into a marriage in which I have no romantic/sexual feelings for the other person. I would say that just because you have feelings though for a person it doesn’t mean you should marry them, but I want to be in love - to marry someone I don’t want to have sex with is a recipe for disaster and simply goes against one of the reasons I want to be married in the first place - if I didn’t want physical affection or that aching feeling in my heart when they’re not around, I wouldn’t bother getting married.
I don’t care if I’m over-romanticizing this - I WANT romance.
If I didn’t want romance I wouldn’t probably even care to get married. I know, I know…they say this kind of love doesn’t last forever but then again I’ve seen people here and there say they’re still in love with their spouses after, say, 30 years of marriage and I WANT that kind of love
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ac_claire
Guest
You have a point here and I’m not disagreeing with you, Lady Bug. But I do hope you aren’t over-romanticizing the concept of romance and sexual attraction, which I only mention because you haven’t even met anyone yet, correct? Those aspects need to be there, but they might not be there in full bloom right away when you’re first meeting people. Chemistry like this can take time to develop. IMO you should make the list of non-negotiables that others have talked about and start praying specifically for this intention. You don’t need to settle and you need to be very picky. But don’t make the mistake of dismissing possible good matches for you because you don’t see or feel the “spark” right away.Sorry but I won’t bother getting into a marriage in which I have no romantic/sexual feelings for the other person. I would say that just because you have feelings though for a person it doesn’t mean you should marry them, but I want to be in love - to marry someone I don’t want to have sex with is a recipe for disaster and simply goes against one of the reasons I want to be married in the first place - if I didn’t want physical affection or that aching feeling in my heart when they’re not around, I wouldn’t bother getting married.
I don’t care if I’m over-romanticizing this - I WANT romance.
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Lady_Bug
Guest
Hi:tiphat: I want to say that I agree with you on everything here (no, haven’t met anyone yet) and that attraction is not some instantaneous spontaneous combustion thingy. I can understand how attraction can come later on. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression on that one. I would hope that it eventually were to develop though LOL. But I get what you mean here.
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Crazy_Diamond
Guest
I’m curious if anyone on this forum has experience with a successful arranged (or semi-arranged) marriage. I’ve heard they abound in the middle east, but I don’t know any personally.
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thomfra
Guest
Yeah, this Muslim bloke from India had an arranged marriage - all organised by his parents. They seem happy enough, very happy actually.
…But neither of them were exactly “oil paintings” if you get my meaning. So maybe they were happy just to have a life partner and pop out some kids…
I only met her once. She woudn’t look me in the eye or shake my hand. But that is just one example.
It can be a fine line between arranged and forced.
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cthulhubryan
Guest
If you get too picky you end up alone. I was pretty picky when dating. Luckily for me, my wife wasn’t that picky.
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ac_claire
Guest
No, it’s good to be picky! Catholics only have one shot at marriage and it’s for life, so we need to be choosy. Make up a list of non-negotiables and go from that. As long as you’re only super-picky about those things, then you’re still being reasonable.If you get too picky you end up alone. I was pretty picky when dating. Luckily for me, my wife wasn’t that picky.
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Norseman82
Guest
I think it all depends on the standards we are using to be picky on.
Faith and morals - definitely be picky on this one, You don’t want a spouse to lead you astray.
On other issues, though, you need to see if they will truly cause heartache and trouble or if they are just “nice to haves”.
The last lady I went on a date with told me that we didn’t “have enough in common”. Fair enough, even though it would have been nice if she had elaborated. However, I also have the attitude that even though there may be areas in life that I may not have in common with someone, I could probably live with it (for example, she may have “artsy” hobbies where I may be more into a certain sport - maybe we don’t do our hobbies together, but we allow each other their respective hobbies).
And there are obviously some mixtures that could cause problems. For example, if someone who comes from a family where there was alcoholism, I would not try to play matchmaker and fix him/her up with someone who has an alcohol problem; that would simply be throwing the former back into a torture chamber.
I think the bottom line is to ask ourselves if the standards we are using are Christian standards or the world’s standards. Another thing to ask ourselves is this: is this attribute in the other person something that would really harm us, or is it something that we just need to exercise some Christian understanding or patience on. You see, modern dating advice tells us to shun people who don’t have their problems solved prior to marriage. Whereas I agree that there are some serious problems - like substance, emotional, or physical abuse - that could put us into danger, we are all a work in progress and we do have a Christian duty to exercise the virtues of patience and understanding on the non-danger issues. Prime example: I have heard Catholics - and this was at an Opus Dei parish! - make reference to “he’s a good Catholic, but comes from a dysfunctional family”, so he should be avoided. Unless the “dysfunctional family” interferes with your own family life and puts it in some type of danger, is it not our Christian duty to see if we can extend some Christian patience and understanding to people who come from such a background?
Faith and morals - definitely be picky on this one, You don’t want a spouse to lead you astray.
On other issues, though, you need to see if they will truly cause heartache and trouble or if they are just “nice to haves”.
The last lady I went on a date with told me that we didn’t “have enough in common”. Fair enough, even though it would have been nice if she had elaborated. However, I also have the attitude that even though there may be areas in life that I may not have in common with someone, I could probably live with it (for example, she may have “artsy” hobbies where I may be more into a certain sport - maybe we don’t do our hobbies together, but we allow each other their respective hobbies).
And there are obviously some mixtures that could cause problems. For example, if someone who comes from a family where there was alcoholism, I would not try to play matchmaker and fix him/her up with someone who has an alcohol problem; that would simply be throwing the former back into a torture chamber.
I think the bottom line is to ask ourselves if the standards we are using are Christian standards or the world’s standards. Another thing to ask ourselves is this: is this attribute in the other person something that would really harm us, or is it something that we just need to exercise some Christian understanding or patience on. You see, modern dating advice tells us to shun people who don’t have their problems solved prior to marriage. Whereas I agree that there are some serious problems - like substance, emotional, or physical abuse - that could put us into danger, we are all a work in progress and we do have a Christian duty to exercise the virtues of patience and understanding on the non-danger issues. Prime example: I have heard Catholics - and this was at an Opus Dei parish! - make reference to “he’s a good Catholic, but comes from a dysfunctional family”, so he should be avoided. Unless the “dysfunctional family” interferes with your own family life and puts it in some type of danger, is it not our Christian duty to see if we can extend some Christian patience and understanding to people who come from such a background?
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chevalier
Guest
I agree that the “good Catholic but coming from a dysfunctional family” thing is like racism. There may be some truth to it, but it’s not the person’s fault and he should be judged on the merits.
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