Only 3 children

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MommyZ

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So we’ve had 3 children in less than 3 years and we’ve only been married 4 years. I come from a big family (oldest of 11 and my youngest siblings are my kids’ ages) and growing up I always thought of having a big family myself. But now that I’m the mom, I’m realizing that being a mom is harder than I thought. Some of my feelings are probably b/c my kids are so close together and still so young, but is is wrong to only want a small family? I know that the church teaches NFP and not having children for grave reasons, but is it wrong to just want the kids to grow up a little before another little one comes along? Is that a grave enough reason? I’m not going crazy, but some days I just feel like I need to go in the bathroom and scream in a towel and be ALONE for a few minutes. I really do have great kids and do want more- just not right now. We’re thinking maybe try again when our youngest is about 2- he’s 6 months right now. Also our 5th year anniversary is coming up next summer and I don’t want to be pregnant at that time b/c we want to go away for a week. I guess my question really is what are grave reasons to delay having kids? Is every married couple called to have a big family? Is it really our responsibility to have big families? And what is considered a big family? The average family is 2-3 kids, so is 4 big?
 
MommyZ said:
So we’ve had 3 children in less than 3 years and we’ve only been married 4 years. I come from a big family (oldest of 11 and my youngest siblings are my kids’ ages) and growing up I always thought of having a big family myself. But now that I’m the mom, I’m realizing that being a mom is harder than I thought. Some of my feelings are probably b/c my kids are so close together and still so young, but is is wrong to only want a small family? I know that the church teaches NFP and not having children for grave reasons, but is it wrong to just want the kids to grow up a little before another little one comes along? Is that a grave enough reason? I’m not going crazy, but some days I just feel like I need to go in the bathroom and scream in a towel and be ALONE for a few minutes. I really do have great kids and do want more- just not right now. We’re thinking maybe try again when our youngest is about 2- he’s 6 months right now. Also our 5th year anniversary is coming up next summer and I don’t want to be pregnant at that time b/c we want to go away for a week. I guess my question really is what are grave reasons to delay having kids? Is every married couple called to have a big family? Is it really our responsibility to have big families? And what is considered a big family? The average family is 2-3 kids, so is 4 big?
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As I understand it, NFP is acceptable for “spacing” out children. It sounds to me like you are very open to children (obviously), and wanting a little time for your kids to get older before having more is OK. Also, I don’t think every married couple is called to have a big family. As long as you’re open to having more children, using NFP is the way to go, because you’re not saying no to God’s blessings.

God bless, and find a sitter and go out for an evening! 👍
 
Been there… My SIL with 6 kids says 3 is the hardest because by the time you have your 4th, the oldest is able to help out and so on. I have 3 natural children living but I have 2 more in heaven. I also have had 18 foster kids and 1 step daughter… so I can see the truth in my SIL’s words. Yes there are days that are overwhelming, but I promise, it does get better!!!

I remember one time calling my mom and asking when I could use the bathroom alone again… she laughed! A good day was when the kids fell asleep before I did, and I thought I would go out of my mind from discussing power rangers and teenage mutant ninja turtles!

One of the things that took me way too long to learn was to take the kids to parks and outdoor activities that would wear them out. Don’t worry about dirt…kids are washable, and keeping kids outside keeps the house clean!!!

If you need a break for a few years… pray about it… there is nothing wrong with prayerfully discerning to postpone more children for a little while! This decision is between you, your husband and God… so include everyone. In the mean time, try to get out with friends one evening a week… it totally refreshes you and makes everything so much easier to take.

God Bless!
 
The criteria is “just” reasons, not “grave” reasons.

Only you can determine what reasons are just in your situation which includes emotional, spiritual, and financial well-being of your family (and you!).

Spacing children is a personal decision that must be done through prayer and discernment as a couple. That’s why the Church doesn’t give a list, but instead leaves it to the couple.

The Church does teach that a “just” reason is in conformity with objective morality-- so for example, rejecting parenthood so you can spend all your money on yourself or because you don’t want stretch marks, etc, would fail to meet the objective morality taught by the Church. These are selfish and disordered motives.

Your motives, however, are not selfish or disordered.

Talk to your priest when in doubt.
 
For each and every parent the decision, the circumstances and ultimate conclusion is different. This is why the Church not only allows, but expects us to exercise judgment and discretion as well as generosity in bringing forth our families. We are not obligated to take on more children than we can manage financially, emotionally or physically. Take this process one day at a time. You don’t need to commit today to stay a family of 3 or grow to a family of 10. If you’re feeling overwhelmed (not surprising given how close and young your kids are) give yourself some time to re-balance and enjoy the gift of the kids you have. You may find yourself more willing and open to more if you allow some spacing or conclude your family is perfect as it is.

We have 3 kids (in 4 1/2 years) and for a while seriously considered either having another child or adopting. Our circumstances simply did not lend themselves to that and I am grateful for my 3–and frequently wonder how I would have managed another then or now.
 
🙂 Well, I am a few steps behind you (4 1/2 months pregnant with our 3rd, recently celebrated our 3 yr anniversary). I can’t tell you anything about whether you have grave reasons etc since it is an individual thing, but I can tell you about a priest I spoke with that did mention how NFP can be used for an exhausted couple with several small kids that need a breather if they feel they really need one (not for selfish reasons) and to take it one month at a time (not say I will wait x amount of years). It is really up to the couple to prayerfully discern, with a formed conscience and possibly with the help of a good orthodox spiritual director. In the end the couple is the one that has to present to God what they did with their gift of fertility. Also, one needs to take into consideration the fact that pregnancy is usually about 9 months long, so the new baby will not be there instantly (though in some cases morning sickness will :rolleyes: )

With that said, although obviously not everyone will end up with a large family because God has different plans for different people and that may include all sorts of crosses and situations that won’t allow for large families, we are all called to be generous and to be open to life, using NFP to avoid for just/serious reasons if we wish. It doesn’t matter what the definition of a large family is, all that matters is that we are open to whatever God wants of us and whatever He sends us, whether it be 0 or 30 children (or anything between 🙂 ). I suspect that if more people were open to His will there would be more large families. I am not saying that people with small families are not following His will, that would be silly to say that, but just logically considering the amount of people that use ABC and limit the amount of kids for frivolous reasons, less ABC would probably equal more kids. I also think its interesting how many people will say they are not cut out to have kids or many kids, while many parents of large families will say they would have never thought they would/could either, but just being open to God’s Will, and taking it one at a time, they have been able to.
 
When you are ready, you may indeed find #4 easier, as the older kids will be helpful to you – or maybe that’s just because mine are all girls. Don’t forget that in addition to space between births, you need space between days too! Make sure you take some time alone, away from the kids once in a while. I always miss them when I take my time away, but I come back much the better for it. It’s difficult if you have a nursing infant, but at least you can take some time away from the others. How often? You be the judge.
 
MommyZ said:
So we’ve had 3 children in less than 3 years and we’ve only been married 4 years. I come from a big family (oldest of 11 and my youngest siblings are my kids’ ages) and growing up I always thought of having a big family myself. But now that I’m the mom, I’m realizing that being a mom is harder than I thought. Some of my feelings are probably b/c my kids are so close together and still so young, but is is wrong to only want a small family? I know that the church teaches NFP and not having children for grave reasons, but is it wrong to just want the kids to grow up a little before another little one comes along? Is that a grave enough reason? I’m not going crazy, but some days I just feel like I need to go in the bathroom and scream in a towel and be ALONE for a few minutes. I really do have great kids and do want more- just not right now. We’re thinking maybe try again when our youngest is about 2- he’s 6 months right now. Also our 5th year anniversary is coming up next summer and I don’t want to be pregnant at that time b/c we want to go away for a week. I guess my question really is what are grave reasons to delay having kids? Is every married couple called to have a big family? Is it really our responsibility to have big families? And what is considered a big family? The average family is 2-3 kids, so is 4 big?
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Good advice so far on this thread. All I can say is WOW! I admire you. One day at a time. If today is NOT a day when you can see yourself coping with another child, then today is not a day to attempt to conceive. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Sounds like you have a great heart for children.
 
Common sense would say that if you are as worn-out and stretched-to-the-limit physically and emtionally as you say you are, NFP is totally okay. After all, you’re not saying ‘never’, just ‘not right now’. I have 2 children, after 6 1/2 years of marriage and only now am I ‘okay’ with 2…6 months ago I was still so streched-to-the-limit/going crazy that a 3rd really would have tipped me over the edge. If it happens NOW, I’d be delighted;) Give yourself TIME!

Anna x
 
One thing you’ll notice is that there’s nothing that says you should try for a specific number of children. Not every family is called to have a very large family, and not every family is physically able to have all of their children so close in age. I actually have a Muslim friend who was married when she was 18 because she “needed” to be able to start having children since her family wanted her to have at least six. She has two now, and is looking at it as “four more to go” instead of “I wonder how many more blessings I will be sent” (by the way, that is NOTHING against Muslims, I’m just saying that the Catholic view as allowing one to use discernment is a wonderful thing). One thing that has always bothered me a little is when people refer to others having “only” two children (or three, or four, or whatever the number is). You have three blessings, and maybe after these three have gotten older, you’ll be more physically and emotionally able to truly welcome a fourth. I can’t say if it’s “wrong” to not want a large family, but you have to be open to what God decides (personally I have no problem saying I don’t want a large family, but the reality is that I’m only 21 and just going off of charting, my fertility is already bad enough that by the time I’m actually going to be in the position to try to have children I’ll be lucky if I have any at all).

God bless you in your vocation of motherhood!!!
 
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