Openness to information between spouses

[CCM08]

A generous and trustworthy man would tell his fiancee to do whatever made her feel comfortable and secure. The kind that would insist on her removing her self-protection… well, he’s probably the last person who deserves that trust. Some people use finances to chain someone to them. That isn’t marriage. At least not a marriage of equals. Usually the woman has the most to lose if things go badly.

Combine accounts offer women protection in divorce, they must be split evenly. Separate accounts are the sole property of whom they belong to. In most marriages the man will earny significantly more than his wife. Separate accounts protect his assets, not her.
A much larger part of all this is simply making good marriage choices. If you make poor marriage choices than combine accouts or separate aren’t going to make a single bit of difference.

 

[SMHW]

As people’s various stories demonstrate, there is no single privacy/secrecy formula that works for EVERY couple in every situation, at every stage of life.

What works for a young newlywed couple in college may not work for a couple who is a bit older with each partner holding credit, property, and assets in their indivual names.

And I personally think that widows, widowers, and those who have been legally divorced need to consider having prenuptual agreements if there are assets from the previous spouse that are intended for the children of the prior marriage.

It also should be pointed out that different countries and different states/provinces have differing laws about what property/obligations are held in common and which are individual.

 

[whatevergirl]

This is a spinoff of another thread, so to avoid hijacking that thread, I started this one.

I just want to add, that my wife and I did have this talk and she has no problem with me looking at her email nor do I have a problem with her looking at mine. It is actually pretty common for her to ask me to check her email and see if there is anything interesting in it. As far as I know, there are no secrets between us and everything is open.

All of our friends know that if you tell one of us, whether in person or other media, the other will also know. When people tell me not to tell other people things, my first response is that I agree to that, but my wife and I are one and we don’t keep things from each other. We really try to take the idea on “one flesh” to heart.

Reading from the other thread, I realized, that we might be in the minority so I wanted to discuss it.

My husband said this very thing the other day…that we are one, and when he knows something, he shares it. And he lets people know up front. I have had people in the family tell me…don’t tell your husband, even…this is top secret. I tell them…‘then don’t tell me.’ lol I agree–we are one…really shouldn’t be any secrets.

 

[whatevergirl]

We’ve been together nearly 19 years…

Since 99% of all spousal arguments involve either:
Money
Sex
Religion

The major stuff (house, cars, boat, properties, insurance) is all held jointly, with right of survivorship, and beneficiaries named in the event of either/both of us cacking… but

We each have separate “personal” emails (password unknown)
We each have separate personal checking accounts (no cross-access, or any idea of the contents)
We each have our own credit cards, in our names.
We each have/had our own personal “investments” prior to marriage, and these are still private… beneficiaries undisclosed.

If either was to ask we’d disclose information, but keeping this stuff “private” gives each of us a bit of personal freedom. Regardless of what we do, the IRS knows what’s happening very April!

Getting married doesn’t mean you give up your individuality. It means you decide to share your life with someone. (Having your own “money” also makes the errant “gift” much more appreciated… the other knows it was bought by you, not just siphoned off the family funds.)

If you can institute something as simple as having your own money to “blow” that avoids the “I can’t believe you spent (insert $$$ here) on that” argument… do it. You spent “your” money, not the family’s.

Haven’t found answers to the sex or religion problems…

I agree with you, Jay, on the point of finances. My husband and I have separate accounts, and a joint one for bills. If he wants to buy something–I say, go for it honey…same with me. However, we know what is in each other’s accounts…no secrets.

We don’t argue about sex. We don’t argue about religion, either. But, I agree with you on the finance issue. It works for us.

 

[whatevergirl]

Only when you cannot trust the other party in the 1st place. They are opened after the problem has started.

I am an individual. My wife is an individual. We are two people that choose to share life together.

Marriage bonded us Spiritually, not in earthly physical terms.

Our “earthly” individual possessions maintain our independence. This resides under our obligation as mother & father, and these assets are succumb to need as the family requires.

It just kills me that nobody here will trust their own spouse with having money that isn’t allocated/dictated!

I’m getting scared…I’m agreeing with Jay, again. LOL

Kidding, Jay.

Seriously-good points. Having a joint checking account will not create a trusting marriage. Opening a separate one will not destroy a trusting marriage.

 

[CCM08]

I’m getting scared…I’m agreeing with Jay, again. LOL

Kidding, Jay.

Seriously-good points. Having a joint checking account will not create a trusting marriage. Opening a separate one will not destroy a trusting marriage.

Joint accounts create transparency in the relationship’s money, fosters a since of unity, and provides for each spouse fairly. Separate accounts create a different environment. When holding money separately one spouse is going to have more fun money than the other. It’s hardly conductive to a marriage when one spouse can buy whatever toy they want and the other is struggling to make their “half” of the bills.

 

[whatevergirl]

Joint accounts create transparency in the relationship’s money, fosters a since of unity, and provides for each spouse fairly. Separate accounts create a different environment. When holding money separately one spouse is going to have more fun money than the other. It’s hardly conductive to a marriage when one spouse can buy whatever toy they want and the other is struggling to make their “half” of the bills.

It has worked perfectly in my marriage. My husband and I have both liked it…and it’s never caused problems. CCM…sometimes, you speak as though you speak for everyone. Please note that we can agree to disagree, and that different things work for different families/couples.

 

[dulcissima]

Joint accounts create transparency in the relationship’s money, fosters a since of unity, and provides for each spouse fairly. Separate accounts create a different environment. When holding money separately one spouse is going to have more fun money than the other. It’s hardly conductive to a marriage when one spouse can buy whatever toy they want and the other is struggling to make their “half” of the bills.

It doesn’t always work that way. When I was married we always had joint accounts, and while I still think that is probably the easiest way in most circumstances, it can still be a problem when one spouse is constantly making impulse purchases, especially on an American Express, without thinking about how the things will get paid for. Especially if that same spouse is always angry with the other one for trying to say no when they are shopping. In those kinds of situations, separate accounts for such discretionary spending might really help the marriage out.

 

[whatevergirl]

It doesn’t always work that way. When I was married we always had joint accounts, and while I still think that is probably the easiest way in most circumstances, it can still be a problem when one spouse is constantly making impulse purchases, especially on an American Express, without thinking about how the things will get paid for. Especially if that same spouse is always angry with the other one for trying to say no when they are shopping. In those kinds of situations, separate accounts for such discretionary spending might really help the marriage out.

right.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think there always need to be transparency…even with joint accounts…I don’t need to ask my husband permission every time I’m at the mall, however…and he doesn’t need to ask permission if he wants to buy a fishing rod, let’s say. Large purchases are always decided upon, together. Again–it’s up to the couple. There’s no hard-fast rule for everyone.

 

[deb1]

Key word… (s)

Whatever works for you.

There is no model, no right or wrong way.

I’ve said previously, 90% of marital arguments revolve around:
Money
Sex
Religion

Come to an agreement about the money, and you’re 30+% in the clear to fight about other things!

oddly enough i have never had any arguements with my husband over money, sex or religion. i know that is difficult to believe but it is true. we’ve argued about just about everything else, but not those three things.

we have a joint account and we know one another’s passwords. i often tell him that he can read anything that he wants on this message board that i write.

this is the type of question in which there is really no wrong answer. each couple has to decide what is best for them.

 

[SeekerJen]

I’m trying to imagine having his-hers-ours accounts to manage, as well as separate credit cards, etc. Just the thought is giving me a headache! To each their own, though.

I trust my husband and he trusts me, but it’s so much easier to just deal with one account, one set of bills, etc., especially as I’m the one who takes care of the daily/monthly finances. DH is great for big things like taxes, negotiating mortgages and insurance packages, and managing our retirement funds, but he’s a bit of a scatterbrain when it comes to the mundane day-to-day finances.

We haven’t had any money problems in our four year marriage. We’re both rather thrifty, but neither has a problem with the other buying little treats, and we only make larger purchases by joint agreement. Oddly enough, he’s a non-Catholic and we haven’t had arguments about religion (or sex) either. We don’t fight much. No reason.

 

[Jay2]

When holding money separately one spouse is going to have more fun money than the other. It’s hardly conductive to a marriage when one spouse can buy whatever toy they want and the other is struggling to make their “half” of the bills.

You’ve mis-read/understood the posts from couples that subscribe to this method of finances…The bulk of the income - from whatever source- goes into a joint account. From this account all “Family” expenses are drawn.

There’s no “struggling to make their 1/2…”, those bills should be joint paid. If either spouse gets stupid and over-extends themselves using “their” money, that’s where the breach of trust occurs.

I could personally (with my “own” line of credit) go out and BURY us financially in an afternoon. My wife could do the same. We’re talking “fun-money” here… maybe a few thousand dollars carefully saved over time…
It is complicated… and hard to explain… but this method is an extension of marital trust in it’s own way as well!

I’m trying to imagine having his-hers-ours accounts to manage, as well as separate credit cards, etc. Just the thought is giving me a headache!

That’s the thing! You don’t manage all three, just yours and/or the joint.

Again, whatever works for a couple’s situation. Both sides have been very well detailed… pro’s & con’s…

 

[actorgirl]

I think the only thing hubby and I have jointly is the cell phone plan.

separate accounts. Although his account could crush mine. (I’m an actress. SAHM on most days. I make a little something something to pay for by student loans, credit card, car and baby stuff)

we don’t know each others passwords. I really don’t know why we would need to know those, it’s not like we are going to read each others emails…

But hey I’m one of those shocking women who didn’t change her name.

Whatever works for your family.

 

[CCM08]

It has worked perfectly in my marriage. My husband and I have both liked it…and it’s never caused problems. CCM…sometimes, you speak as though you speak for everyone. Please note that we can agree to disagree, and that different things work for different families/couples.

As I haven’t presumed to speak for anyone this is merely unwarrented. I haven’t attacked you personally so please return the courtesy in the future. Nor has anyone attempted to speak down to you, do not do this to me in the future. If those terms are unacceptable then by all means add me to the ignore list.

 

[CCM08]

It doesn’t always work that way. When I was married we always had joint accounts, and while I still think that is probably the easiest way in most circumstances, it can still be a problem when one spouse is constantly making impulse purchases, especially on an American Express, without thinking about how the things will get paid for. Especially if that same spouse is always angry with the other one for trying to say no when they are shopping. In those kinds of situations, separate accounts for such discretionary spending might really help the marriage out.

It is simply easier to deal with a few impluse buying issues when they known then waiting until you’re filling out a mortage application to find out our spouse’s separate accounts are over drawn, their credit cards are maxed out, and now you are unable to secure credit. It’s so common my mother refers to it as the “separate account blues.” It’s one of the reasons I got out of sales. Had a really nice couple come into the office one day, found them a very nice property that they could afford. They made an offer on it and I helped them locate a mortage company. As it turns out she was afraid of his spending and they maintained separate assets. Obviously my friend couldn’t give me all the details, but he had obtained a number of credit cards and was overdrawn in his checking. Couldn’t locate a lender and she couldn’t qualify without his income. Yes, I seriously question the logic of treating a spouse like a diseased limb if they have some impluse control issues. If it works for some people, that’s great. I just disagree with the practice.