From personal experience I will say that it’s important to realize from the start what you can do and what you can’t do, I guess realize what your boundaries are before “great expectations” are disappointed.
I love elderly folk and have several in my life. Two in particular are lovely ladies, but don’t seem to understand that I have my own duties to attend to and can’t accommodate all their requests for rides to this particular store for favorite cookies, and that particular store to save a $1 on eggs, and then that particular store for cigarettes at the lowest price. I’m saying that what you think is reasonable might be different than the next person’s. If I had to do things over again with them, I would say from the start:
–Can I take you for groceries and help you carry them up to your apartment? I can spare 1 hour for this each Tuesday afternoon if you’d like (rather than leaving it open ended).
–I have a tight schedule, but I’d like to help you get around a bit. If I dropped you off at Store A and picked you up at 3pm, would that work for you? I have an appointment at 3:30 pm so I’m afraid 3 pm is as late as I can be, does that help you? Do you think you can be done on time? If they’re consistently over the agreed upon time, then you can let them know it just isn’t something you can continue doing for them.
–I can’t drive you downtown after Mass, but I can drop you off somewhere on my route home if that helps.
Things like that, where they know right off the bat what you can do and what you can’t. This will hopefully prevent the frustrations and hurt feelings I’m currently trying to juggle. I will say though that for the most part, I have elderly friends who light up when you say “hey, let’s go for a quick coffee after Mass today” or “can I pop by and drool over your garden later this afternoon”. It doesn’t have to be long, a half hour, and they’re happy to spend the time with you. Others can feel like they expect all your time and have you running in all directions whenever they want, but not the majority.
One elderly gal said to me after I politely told her I couldn’t drive her somewhere, “so-and-so will take me after Mass today. She’s a real Christian, she likes to help people”. That stung me and set me back on my heels, took me a long, long time to get over, especially when I had driven her so many times before. I think when the people that we find difficult, those are the ones that God wants us to pay attention to in some way. Maybe they are in need of our prayers, or maybe they are in our life to teach us something about ourselves.
There are other things I’ve had to deal with that my husband finally stepped in and said enough is enough (phone ringing off the hook, mileage on my car being racked up and the fuel it took, spending time running errands for this particular brand of bread and ginger beer, things like that). Remember, **God wants you to do YOUR DUTIES first…your family, your home, your work, your prayer life AND THEN help others where you can. The devil will have you running around in circles thinking you are doing good when in reality your once somewhat well balanced life is now in shambles.
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It can be really painful finding that sweet spot of generous service that isn’t abusive, this I think is what scares so many people away from reaching out and trying to be helpful to others.
