Over 55 and Catholic ... Living with someone and not having sex

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MareBear712

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After 40 years, I have gone back to the Catholic Church. I am a cradle Catholic, went to Catholic school, and fell outside of the Church. I became of the world. I have been married and had a child. Unfortunately, that ended in divorce. I went down many different avenues in exploring my spirituality. After all that searching, I wound up right where I started. I have come back to the faith in a big way and I love it. I sat down with the parish priest explained to him my circumstance. Basically, I had this reversion while my boyfriend and I have been living together. We are not in our 20s, I am 56 and he is 57. I cannot have children anymore, and he, well, suffers what many men our age do … ED. So, here we are. We do have our own rooms … occasionally with sleep in the same bed … which winds up with going back to our own rooms … because we snore. I told my priest the whole story … and that … we really do live like brother and sister. He didn’t seem too bothered … I think it’s because we are older, and really aren’t all that interested in sex anymore. One of the priests is coming over to bless our home, and seriously, don’t seem to be too bothered about our situation. We haven’t had sex in going on 2 years. On my drive home, I decided I didn’t want to continue living out of wedlock. I love my bf very much, and have thought about marrying him. I just put it off … on that drive I decided it’s time for us to tie the knot. I came home after the talk with my priest… and explained to my bf that since I have gone back to the church …and it looks down on cohabitation … We would need to get married … if he had a problem with this … I would understand and would go on my way … He explained he really didn’t want to ever be without me and would be very open to getting married … My question is this … are there any older Catholics out there who have found themselves in this situation? My priest didn’t even seem to consider it a sin … thoughts?
 
Do you (and your boy friend, if he was previously married) have decree(s) of nullity in hand? If not, that would be a first step in normalizing your relationship (you can’t date if you’re still married!).

Are you interested in a romantic / sexual relationship with this man, or strictly a friendship?
 
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MareBear712 said:
My question is this … are there any older Catholics out there who have found themselves in this situation? My priest didn’t even seem to consider it a sin … thoughts?
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Be happy you have an understanding priest.

If you wish to get married, which I personally think would be a good idea, then make sure both you and your boyfriend have or can get the necessary annulments, etc. Your priest should be able to help you with that. You both may need to talk to the priest about your boyfriend’s ED but I have confidence that can be addressed so it won’t be a barrier.
 
You need to first and foremost clear up your current situation with regards to your previous “marriage”.
And then follow on from there. The Church will almost always consider you already married so that in order for you to be able to be married she (the Church) needs to ascertain that this is not the case.
Was your previous marriage in church, was he Catholic, etc.
Remember the Catholic Church does not “divorce”.
One can hope that the first marriage as such was lacking and then declared null. That is, it did not happen the way it should have. So do start from that beginning.
The Church is all about sinners, we all are. That is why the priest was unfazed when you told him your story. Good luck on your journey and welcome back to the Church.
 
Hi,
I am in a similar situation. I lost my husband, almost 8 years ago, and the house we lived in. Also moved to another state to live with my sister (initially). I met someone I really liked, and after dating him several months I moved in with him, also his mother as it was her house and his sister who has a developmental disability. He has never been married. We met when I was 52 and he’s 8 months older than me.
Your relationship sounds like a good one, he’s willing to marry you. My boyfriend I had hoped would eventually ask me to marry him, but he has not, and so after 5 years now I have given up on the relationship. We’ve had no initimate relations for 6 months since before I broke up with him.
I would like to move out but I can’t see my way clear to afford an apartment or even a room in someone’s house. I can’t move back in with my sister either.
I’m 59 now and feel like I am stuck here with not a whole lot of prospects for the
future so I’m trying to reconcile my circumstances as being a part-time care-giver/companion to his sister. I’d like to say I’m over him but it’s hard to live here now feeling like I have been bamboozled into taking on the roles of meal provider/companion/caretaker without the relationship.
Never imagined I’d read a post from another who is living in similar circumstances, but yours is much more positive. Mine turned into a negative. Sorry nothing to offer but wanted to just post my experience.
Debbie
 
Prayers to all of you who are in irregular living situation. Firstly I’d just like to point out the Church teaches that we can’t cohabitate before marriage regardless of the expression (or lack thereof) of our romantic feelings. This is because, even though it may not be a near occasion of sin for you, impressionable couples might see you as an example and be led into temptation by proxy. So in general the Church does not condone cohabitation until marriage.
 
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The truth is we are past sex. We aren’t 20 anymore. I know that is difficult for people to understand, but we really are. We do love each other very much. We really do live like brother and sister. We are both happy where things are.
 
It’s not a sexual relationship at all … just really hugs and pecks on the cheek … especially since I told him we need to be chaste to square away this situation.
 
We are looking into that now … my priest has looked at the situation … and says it won’t be hard to get annulments … it’s in the works.
 
Since I met with my priest, we are now in separate rooms, and living as sister and brother. We are remaining celibate. Yes, we do love each other, but out of respect for my decision we are strictly in separate rooms … regardless of ED or snoring. Unfortunately, we are intertwined financially, and live in a recently hit hurricane disaster area. Even if we had funds readily available … there isn’t housing available … many residential areas were wiped out … this is the best we can do for the moment. All of this has happened in the span of three months.
 
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