L
Lillith
Guest
Hello…This is long and complicated
I have been on these forums quite a while, and have never wrote much about myself personally. I have found that my problem is enveloping me completely…threatening to swallow me whole, and is causing other moral difficulties. It is a strange one indeed.
A lot of you might remember that I was raised by Atheist parents. There was also alchoholism and neglect. My parents ignored me, and I got into trouble with all of my freedom as you might imagine…My mother was the alchoholic, and supplied us children with alchohol…not just the occasional glass of beer or wine, but kegs…This left me fearful and anxious. Kids don’t really want to make their own rules! The culmination was a rape that happened while I was intoxicated. It was at that point that I decided to reign myself in and find someone else to parent me…I joined the Catholic Church and was baptized at seventeen.
This is all rather miraculous to me and my love of God is tremendous…I was truely saved…literally. I forgave my parents (their childhoods were worse than mine if you could imagine)…My problem is ENVY.
I envy my own children. I love them dearly and give them moral guidance that the church has taught me, and it has been my goal to raise good Christian children…I am succeeding! But I look at them and I wish I were them not me. My fifteen year old is beautiful, an awesome student, and Godly beyond belief. She reads the Bible and it is in her heart. She is still a virgin and is strong in her chastity…I on the other hand lost my virginity at 14, was kicked out of school at 15 for drug use. She is so much better than me…I wish I were her.
When I go clothes shopping I see a woman with her daughter sharing a moment and I burst into tears. I Envy the girl, and I wish I were her. My mother never bought me new clothes, and my clothes often stunk because they would mildew in the washer, and so I stayed away from people at school and kept a large winter jacket on all the time.
I envy my own husband. His mother made cookies and bought him clothes. She loved him dearly. They lived on a Lake…and during the summer while I was getting drunk and being promiscuous…he was fishing and swimming and having a great childhood.
I know God has forgiven me. I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. I am proud of my accomplishments…I did graduate college on my own. I am a good mother and am raising children exactly the opposite of my own upbringing. BUT…I feel like my own life has been …well I feel like a dog with his head hanging out the window getting hit by every branch that flies by.
Envy will be my downfall. This is a sin…but I can’t seem to help myself. I have offered this up to God as penance…but I thought forgiving my parents would solve the problem…but it hasn’t. My childhood programming will be with me forever, unless I find a way to erase it. That childhood voice says your dirty, stinky and ugly…unclean and not worthy…that is a sin too…It is like I am telling God I don’t believe in his forgiveness…but at the moment I really do! It’s just these tapes that keep playing in my head.
I have seen psychiatrists…been on meds. All psychiatry can tell me is being aware of the problem should solve the problem…Nope. That is incorrect. I also battle depression all due to my…“I wish I were someone else”…Mantra.
I want to conquer ENVY.
I have been on these forums quite a while, and have never wrote much about myself personally. I have found that my problem is enveloping me completely…threatening to swallow me whole, and is causing other moral difficulties. It is a strange one indeed.
A lot of you might remember that I was raised by Atheist parents. There was also alchoholism and neglect. My parents ignored me, and I got into trouble with all of my freedom as you might imagine…My mother was the alchoholic, and supplied us children with alchohol…not just the occasional glass of beer or wine, but kegs…This left me fearful and anxious. Kids don’t really want to make their own rules! The culmination was a rape that happened while I was intoxicated. It was at that point that I decided to reign myself in and find someone else to parent me…I joined the Catholic Church and was baptized at seventeen.
This is all rather miraculous to me and my love of God is tremendous…I was truely saved…literally. I forgave my parents (their childhoods were worse than mine if you could imagine)…My problem is ENVY.
I envy my own children. I love them dearly and give them moral guidance that the church has taught me, and it has been my goal to raise good Christian children…I am succeeding! But I look at them and I wish I were them not me. My fifteen year old is beautiful, an awesome student, and Godly beyond belief. She reads the Bible and it is in her heart. She is still a virgin and is strong in her chastity…I on the other hand lost my virginity at 14, was kicked out of school at 15 for drug use. She is so much better than me…I wish I were her.
When I go clothes shopping I see a woman with her daughter sharing a moment and I burst into tears. I Envy the girl, and I wish I were her. My mother never bought me new clothes, and my clothes often stunk because they would mildew in the washer, and so I stayed away from people at school and kept a large winter jacket on all the time.
I envy my own husband. His mother made cookies and bought him clothes. She loved him dearly. They lived on a Lake…and during the summer while I was getting drunk and being promiscuous…he was fishing and swimming and having a great childhood.
I know God has forgiven me. I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. I am proud of my accomplishments…I did graduate college on my own. I am a good mother and am raising children exactly the opposite of my own upbringing. BUT…I feel like my own life has been …well I feel like a dog with his head hanging out the window getting hit by every branch that flies by.
Envy will be my downfall. This is a sin…but I can’t seem to help myself. I have offered this up to God as penance…but I thought forgiving my parents would solve the problem…but it hasn’t. My childhood programming will be with me forever, unless I find a way to erase it. That childhood voice says your dirty, stinky and ugly…unclean and not worthy…that is a sin too…It is like I am telling God I don’t believe in his forgiveness…but at the moment I really do! It’s just these tapes that keep playing in my head.
I have seen psychiatrists…been on meds. All psychiatry can tell me is being aware of the problem should solve the problem…Nope. That is incorrect. I also battle depression all due to my…“I wish I were someone else”…Mantra.
I want to conquer ENVY.