Overcoming Envy.....

[Lillith]

Hello…This is long and complicated

I have been on these forums quite a while, and have never wrote much about myself personally. I have found that my problem is enveloping me completely…threatening to swallow me whole, and is causing other moral difficulties. It is a strange one indeed.

A lot of you might remember that I was raised by Atheist parents. There was also alchoholism and neglect. My parents ignored me, and I got into trouble with all of my freedom as you might imagine…My mother was the alchoholic, and supplied us children with alchohol…not just the occasional glass of beer or wine, but kegs…This left me fearful and anxious. Kids don’t really want to make their own rules! The culmination was a rape that happened while I was intoxicated. It was at that point that I decided to reign myself in and find someone else to parent me…I joined the Catholic Church and was baptized at seventeen.

This is all rather miraculous to me and my love of God is tremendous…I was truely saved…literally. I forgave my parents (their childhoods were worse than mine if you could imagine)…My problem is ENVY.

I envy my own children. I love them dearly and give them moral guidance that the church has taught me, and it has been my goal to raise good Christian children…I am succeeding! But I look at them and I wish I were them not me. My fifteen year old is beautiful, an awesome student, and Godly beyond belief. She reads the Bible and it is in her heart. She is still a virgin and is strong in her chastity…I on the other hand lost my virginity at 14, was kicked out of school at 15 for drug use. She is so much better than me…I wish I were her.

When I go clothes shopping I see a woman with her daughter sharing a moment and I burst into tears. I Envy the girl, and I wish I were her. My mother never bought me new clothes, and my clothes often stunk because they would mildew in the washer, and so I stayed away from people at school and kept a large winter jacket on all the time.

I envy my own husband. His mother made cookies and bought him clothes. She loved him dearly. They lived on a Lake…and during the summer while I was getting drunk and being promiscuous…he was fishing and swimming and having a great childhood.

I know God has forgiven me. I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. I am proud of my accomplishments…I did graduate college on my own. I am a good mother and am raising children exactly the opposite of my own upbringing. BUT…I feel like my own life has been …well I feel like a dog with his head hanging out the window getting hit by every branch that flies by.

Envy will be my downfall. This is a sin…but I can’t seem to help myself. I have offered this up to God as penance…but I thought forgiving my parents would solve the problem…but it hasn’t. My childhood programming will be with me forever, unless I find a way to erase it. That childhood voice says your dirty, stinky and ugly…unclean and not worthy…that is a sin too…It is like I am telling God I don’t believe in his forgiveness…but at the moment I really do! It’s just these tapes that keep playing in my head.

I have seen psychiatrists…been on meds. All psychiatry can tell me is being aware of the problem should solve the problem…Nope. That is incorrect. I also battle depression all due to my…“I wish I were someone else”…Mantra.

I want to conquer ENVY.

 

[CatholicSam]

It is extremely unfortunate that your mother was essentially a “dud” in that respect. But Jesus gave us an awesome gift as He was dying. He gave us His very own Precious Mother. She loves you and cares about you much, much more than any Earthly mother could ever care about her children (even the best moms on the planet!). Tell her that you are still hurting from not having a loving biological mother and that you want to develop your relationship with her. I sometimes wonder how on Earth people delt with these kinds of hurt before Mary was given to us. How did people deal with the hurt of a neglectful mother or with the grief of temporarily losing one’s mother to death? I have no idea. But now that Mary is our spiritual mother, we can fly to her for consolation and help, and ask her to bring us ever closer to her Son.

 

[marty1818]

There are three things that will hurt you spiritually:

1)Comparing yourself to others
2)Living too much in the past
3)Living too much in the future

I would say to do your best to live in the present with Christ. With His help you will be able to conquer this. You are in my prayers.

God Bless,
Matt

 

[Della]

The things you cited are not things to be envious about but grateful for. Would you really want your children to have been abused as you were or the other mother and her daughter to be unhappy as you were? That’s what envy says in the heart, and I’m sure you don’t want that.

You have to come to the point where you recognize that the past is past and all any of us has is the present. This is why Jesus taught us to forgive, so we can let go of the past, and why he also told us not to borrow troubles from tomorrow. Live today in gratitude for what you have now, this day. Dwell on the good things you have that God has given you in spite of the bad things that happened to you before. Let the past die and give the future to God and be at peace.

 

[jrabs]

Wow - I applaud you for becoming the wonderful God filled mother and wife that you are. That was how God used your horrible situation to turn bad into good - so that you could be an excellent mother. Look at that as a gift and blessing.

You sound like an amazing person with strength, courage and perseverance - many gifts of the Holy Spirit.

The advice CatholicSam provides is excellent. Every single time one of these thoughts of envy pop into your mind, turn to Your Heavenly Mother immediately and ask Her to hold your hand and comfort you - to put Her arms around you and offer the hug of a Mother. You need this right now.

Then also ask the Holy Spirit to take your pain away every time you have one of these thoughts. He will also bring you the peace that only He can.

Get yourself to Adoration as often as you can and lay your problems at the foot of the cross. Wen you are there, ask Jesus to just sit next to you and hug you. Get to confession often also to free yourself of this burden of sin.

I had some difficult times a year ago and this was the only way I found peace. Sometimes the peace of the Holy Spirit would flood over me for a few moments to calm me. It was amazing. Sometimes I swear I actually found the Blessed Mother conveying Her immense love to me through an indescribable sense of peace and love.

I will keep you in prayer and ask for Our Lady to lay your struggles at the feet of Her Beloved Son. May God give you peace.

 

[Lillith]

CatholicSam:

It is extremely unfortunate that your mother was essentially a “dud” in that respect. But Jesus gave us an awesome gift as He was dying. He gave us His very own Precious Mother. She loves you and cares about you much, much more than any Earthly mother could ever care about her children (even the best moms on the planet!). Tell her that you are still hurting from not having a loving biological mother and that you want to develop your relationship with her. I sometimes wonder how on Earth people delt with these kinds of hurt before Mary was given to us. How did people deal with the hurt of a neglectful mother or with the grief of temporarily losing one’s mother to death? I have no idea. But now that Mary is our spiritual mother, we can fly to her for consolation and help, and ask her to bring us ever closer to her Son.

Interesting that you suggest that. Something (possibly Satan) keeps me from saying the rosary. I have been catholic for quite some time now, and I know how to say the rosary…and I often tell myself “I am going to ask Mary for help here” but something keeps me from it. Possibly I do not feel worthy of this kind of help.

 

[Joysong]

These images that confront you with remembrance of past pain are hard to overcome, as you realize. I understand you completely, for it took me many years to get over some abuse in my childhood home. Gradually, the Lord helped me to see that my mother was incapable of any more virtue, love, understanding, guidance … than she had the presence of mind to give. This could have been from her own upbringing, which I could not possibly know about, and from her lack of a relationship with Christ.

Yet I had good food, shelter, health (sight, hearing, bodily agility), mental aptitude for learning, friends, no problems with racial prejudices, etc. Those things I try to remember and give thanks for, whenever I tend to wish I could have had more blessings. Many children in the world do not even have 1/5 of all the material comforts I had, though they may have had love and warmth from their families to make up for it.

Everyone, barring none, has a cross of some sort to carry. Some of them seem so heavy that we wish it were another sort, but God knows our frame and what we are capable of enduring. For some reason, I remember Our Blessed Mother’s words to one of the children to whom she appeared (Bernadette?), “I do not promise you happiness in this world – only in the next.”

It always helps to think of God’s saints who suffered so much, yet had interior peace and joy, together with solid faith in knowing that all things shall pass. Our hope lies not here, but in the afterlife where every tear shall be wiped away.

We understand from the scriptures that the Lord had a special preference for the poor, downtrodden, suffering, rejected, “anawim” of His day. I think it is still true, for God is wonderfully compassionate. O happy fault! Your very condition as one of the world’s suffering poor, became for you a blessing of attracting the glance of Christ, to love you and pour out his mercy upon you. Heaven will overflow with the joyful shouts of alleluias from all such hearts. “He who has been forgiven much, loves MUCH!!!”

May God give you comfort and increasing hope,
Carole

 

[Lillith]

marty1818:

There are three things that will hurt you spiritually:

1)Comparing yourself to others
2)Living too much in the past
3)Living too much in the future

I would say to do your best to live in the present with Christ. With His help you will be able to conquer this. You are in my prayers.

God Bless,
Matt

And I do two of these things. I am never as good as anybody else especially when it comes to spirituality…I constantly regret my past and wish it were different…and I think to myself…see how far I made it on my own…what if someone had been there guiding me.

What I didn’t mention is that I wasn’t a good Christian immediately. R.C.I.A. was awesome…but it isn’t meant to teach morality…which is what I sorely lacked. I had to make every mistake in the book to learn why God doesn’t want this or that for us…again…I forgave myself these things…I was just a kid trying to teach myself…

How do I stop these thoughts that come as an onslaught…as an attack…I will pray the rosary tonight. Apparently I need it, as I continually am saying to myself…give it a try. Possibly this is the last ounce of atheist disbelief that is in me.

The future…now that is something I never worry about, and I look forward to it often times.

 

[Lillith]

Della:

The things you cited are not things to be envious about but grateful for. Would you really want your children to have been abused as you were or the other mother and her daughter to be unhappy as you were? That’s what envy says in the heart, and I’m sure you don’t want that.

You have to come to the point where you recognize that the past is past and all any of us has is the present. This is why Jesus taught us to forgive, so we can let go of the past, and why he also told us not to borrow troubles from tomorrow. Live today in gratitude for what you have now, this day. Dwell on the good things you have that God has given you in spite of the bad things that happened to you before. Let the past die and give the future to God and be at peace.

I am thankful that I have given my children something that I never had…and my husband is constantly telling me the same thing that you just did!

Come to peace with the past and let it go. It sounds easier than it is…it is my struggle. Possibly I don’t really feel forgiven…but I thought I did…it felt wonderful, like a burden was lifted…but the tapes of my childhood keep playing over and over again…like an attack.

I will try to pray the Rosary. I think it is the one thing that I haven’t tried…with a special intention to let go of the past…I need healing of it all

 

[ThisOne]

Because we know God turns all to good, we know confidently that you and many other blessed individuals who have been through what you have been through are indeed able over time and with prayer and guidance from other Catholics to regard their past sufferings as things that hurt, yes, and were extremely troubling – and still are to some degree – but that ultimately have prepared you to serve others in a way that no one else can.

You are uniquely qualified not only to have raised wonderful children but to influence untold numbers of children who are today, as we speak, in a situation that is identical to the one you survived.

Let God transform your envy into a desire to help those who have not yet escaped from the kind of awfulness that you know. Be part of His healing for those who cannot find their way out the way you did. You will be allowing Him to transform your envy to an emotion that He wants you to have instead of envy – a strong desire to help free those who are imprisoned now. God wants you to transform – with His help – your envy into to a passionate love for those who need your help. You have something that God cannot find everywhere – intimate knowledge of why children often do not seek help as well as personal awareness of the kinds of psychic defenses they use to conceal the nature of the problems at home and to attempt to protect the perpetrators.

You and God together can transform your envy into a real gift to those children (and adults, too) who today – this minute – suffer like you did and see no way out.

These are my thoughts,

 

[Lillith]

jrabs:

Wow - I applaud you for becoming the wonderful God filled mother and wife that you are. That was how God used your horrible situation to turn bad into good - so that you could be an excellent mother. Look at that as a gift and blessing.

You sound like an amazing person with strength, courage and perseverance - many gifts of the Holy Spirit.

The advice CatholicSam provides is excellent. Every single time one of these thoughts of envy pop into your mind, turn to Your Heavenly Mother immediately and ask Her to hold your hand and comfort you - to put Her arms around you and offer the hug of a Mother. You need this right now.

Then also ask the Holy Spirit to take your pain away every time you have one of these thoughts. He will also bring you the peace that only He can.

Get yourself to Adoration as often as you can and lay your problems at the foot of the cross. Wen you are there, ask Jesus to just sit next to you and hug you. Get to confession often also to free yourself of this burden of sin.

I had some difficult times a year ago and this was the only way I found peace. Sometimes the peace of the Holy Spirit would flood over me for a few moments to calm me. It was amazing. Sometimes I swear I actually found the Blessed Mother conveying Her immense love to me through an indescribable sense of peace and love.

I will keep you in prayer and ask for Our Lady to lay your struggles at the feet of Her Beloved Son. May God give you peace.

I think that I have figured something out about myself. My conversion has been so long and slow. I choose the Catholic Church because I felt God’s presence there. I had been to other churches with friends and was never as affected as when I entered a Catholic Church…I didn’t understand all her teachings however. I have always defended anyones devotion to Mary…I understand it scripturally…but I never once have given it a try. Like I said earlier…I think it is the last ounce of atheism that I must purge from my soul…there is, although I understand it to be true, a part of me that says…that can’t really help me…

I will start tonight…actually at three o’clock this afternoon with Mother Angelica…EWTN radio. I have had a nagging voice telling me to do so…but I haven’t heeded it thus far…

 

[BlueRain]

Lillith your childhood was much much worse than mine. I would love to be a great mom like you one day and have kids that are close to God.

Everyone here has given great advice. I would like to add that there are good parents out there. They probably raise their children with everything they want, yet they hardly if ever teach them about God. In a sense those kids might grow up to live “happy” lives, but they might never experience the true happiness of following and loving God and their lives at times may feel empty, but they don’t know why.

To me you seem like a strong person, others turn away from God when they have lived what you went through. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. I have problems with that myself, I frequently feel like I’m not good enough or that I won’t do a good enough job at something.

Keep praying and trying. We constantly have to strive to better our lives. We aren’t perfect and we’ll always have to better ourselves.

 

[Archbishop]

Lillith: Peace and grace to you from our Lord Jesus Christ. There are two types of guilt that we experience from our past. One is OBJECTIVE guilt and the other is SUBJECTIVE guilt. Let me explain. If you run a stop sign, whether you meant to or not, you are objectively guilty. You may or may not feel guilty but nevertheless you are guilty. So you get a ticket and you go pay the fine and now you are no longer guilty. The penalty has been paid and it is overwith.

Now, if you go about your life for the next month feeling guilty , you are experiencing subjective guilt. The state isn’t placing it upon you, you are.

Now, let’s look at your past. You have come to Jesus Christ. He paid the price and penalty for all of your sins and shortcomings. All of your objective guilt has been taken away. There is no longer any reason to feel guilty or to think that you are not good enough. Jesus has bought you with a price, the price of his own blood on Calvary.

So, if these thoughts and feelings keep coming to you that you are no good, or that you are undeserving, where do they have to come from from? They have to come from the Liar himself - the Devil. He is the accuser of the brethren. He is the father of lies. He goes about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.

The Bible says that there is now therefore NO CONDEMNATION TO THEM THAT ARE IN CHRIST JESUS. Period. End of discussion.

These thoughts that harass you are the flaming arrows of the evil one trying to destroy you and rob you of your joy just as he tries to destroy all of us. He shoots them where we are are weakest - in your case, the memories of your past and the issue of envy.

So, arm yourself with Scripture and Prayer. These are the shields that will ward off the arrows of Satan. Get into the Scriptures daily. Offer up short prayers constantly throughout the day. When you feel an attack coming, pray the Our Father. When you have the time, Pray the Rosary as others have said. But above all, get into the Scriptures, especially Romans chapter 8. Read that chapter over and over and meditate upon it.

I agree with others who have said that it appears that you have been so blessed and transformed by the grace of our Lord into a wonderful Mother and role model. Allow our Lady to be your Mother. She completes your spiritual family. You have God as your Father, Christ as your Elder Brother, the Redeemed of the Ages as your sibblings in the faith, and Mary as your kind and gentle Mother. Accept her love for you.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

+Abp Mark