Overcoming pride

[JLCecilia]

All from a meme on Mother Teresa’s humility list. Looking for myself here, but citing from exchanges btwn my folks I witnessed this weekend. I see myself repeating these same mistakes in my marriage and w/ my kids and want to tackle my monster before it gets too big.

I don’t know what dad said to offend mom (it doesn’t take much), but she stood in his way and wouldn’t let him by until he apologized. She waved her finger in his face “Okay, make it up to me right now.” Demanding an apology for his reaction to her nonsense. Probably irritated with her for not responding to a very reasonable request to help. He asked her to set the table for dinner and she pretends not to hear him or gives a blank stare like, ‘who do you think you are to tell me to do anything?’ I’m like ‘seriously’? I just grabbed the dishes and did it myself.

Later on she set herself up when she pushed for something dad (and the rest of us) had already decided against. We had been out shopping and forgot to bring water with us from home, so the rest of us watered ourselves from the fountain at the store. Mom asked to stop and get drinks, but dad and all of us agreed we were tired and didn’t want to stop, just wanted to get home and it was only a 10-15 minute drive. When we got in the car, she tried to play me by saying that there was a Sonic nearby. Maybe hoping I would just ignore dad’s decision and pull in, thereby forcing the issue. I just repeated that we were all tired and just wanted to get home. She held her cell phone in her hand and I could see the internal struggle, but she gave in, scratched the itch and called dad in the car ahead of us. I could hear him tell her no again (irritated as usual that she wouldn’t hear it the first time) and she hung up on him in disgust.

I pity my husband for all the times I’ve acted this way, totally irrational and impossible to please. I wish I could find a good article on the damage to relationships caused by this sort of pride. I read an article on the art of apologizing and I can see mom trying to turn over a new leaf and apologize and expect to be forgiven years of misbehavior in an instant, only to be offended when it isn’t received with the upmost gratitude. The resounding message in my head is: let your change in behavior be your apology.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

First off, you and everyone else will be much happier if you don’t concern yourself with the problems in your parents marriage. Stop trying to assign blame and let them deal with it.

Secondly, it seems that everyone in your family would be much better off if they stopped digging in their heels and learned to give in. I couldn’t imagine telling my mom no to stopping for a drink regardless of how close we are to home. She’s my mother and its a little thing to make her happy. I’m even more appalled by your father/her husband. Putting his foot down on a quick soda? Really? My husband would have stopped. My stepfather would have stopped for my mom. My BIL would have stopped for his wife. This didn’t need to be a family power struggle.

She needs to calm down and help with setting the table, he needs to try to give in to small requests (as do you), and you need to stop concerning yourself with your parents marriage and trying to determine who is at fault for problems.

 

[TriciaF]

Saint Therese said, “You want to climb the mountain, whereas God wishes you to descend it. He is awaiting you in the valley of humility.”

It is beautiful and humble of you to see in yourself a sign of an undesirable trait you see modeled in your mom’s actions. (Jesus grant her mom the grace to see, but thank You for the lesson learned from the hurt resulting from her mom’s uncorrected and maybe unconscious flaw.)
It’s a blessing that you see it and want not to repeat the fault.

Jesus it’s not easy to be humble and considerate when we are hurt, tired, or irritated, or simply prefer our own will.
At those times we find it hard to consider the other person with kindness and sensitivity,
but please help us to treat our family members, our friends and our workmates how we ourselves want to be treated, with understanding kindness and respect.

Please shine your light in JLCecilia, in her mom, in me, in all of us, so that we are true witnesses of Your love.
Thank You Jesus

I think BlueEyedLady has a good point in how involved and critical of your parents’ life, especially your mom.
Maybe it’s something you need to think about too? If it helps you avoid the mistakes your observations can be helpful, but you’re very invested and too close in your family of origin issues…maybe…?

 

[JLCecilia]

What is it to give in to a simple request to stop for a drink? DH and I were siding w/ dad only b/c he had chaffuered us all over God’s green earth and made countless stops already, besides having spent a chunk of change taking us out to eat 2 days in a row.

The underlying issue here is that dad caters to mom’s every whim most days. It is incessant, and exhausting. He spends ridiculous amounts of money to appease her and she is never satisifed. The other argument I would make is that it was 6 to 1. The rest of us were tired and wanted to get home, but we would be stopping for 1 person. One person stubbornly insisting on her way (yet again) at the expense of the rest of us. I think the person who needs to give in here is mom (however unrealistic that may be, given her history).

Dad was gracious enough to take us out to eat and mom is snotty to the staff and gripes about her meal. It is very easy to refuse someone like that a simple request to stop for a drink.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What is it to give in to a simple request to stop for a drink? DH and I were siding w/ dad only b/c he had chaffuered us all over God’s green earth and made countless stops already, besides having spent a chunk of change taking us out to eat 2 days in a row.

The underlying issue here is that dad caters to mom’s every whim most days. It is incessant, and exhausting. He spends ridiculous amounts of money to appease her and she is never satisifed. The other argument I would make is that it was 6 to 1. The rest of us were tired and wanted to get home, but we would be stopping for 1 person. One person stubbornly insisting on her way (yet again) at the expense of the rest of us. I think the person who needs to give in here is mom (however unrealistic that may be, given her history).

Dad was gracious enough to take us out to eat and mom is snotty to the staff and gripes about her meal. It is very easy to refuse someone like that a simple request to stop for a drink.

You are extremely disrespectful of your mother and her place in the family.

Your parents are married. Your dad did not spend a lot of money on you, your parents did. Your dad did not take you to dinner, your parents did. What’s his is hers. Stop playing divide and conquer, and stop trying to protect your dad from his wife. Your involvement can only hurt you and them.

Stop trying to deny your mother her role in her family and marriage, and start being grateful.

 

[TriciaF]

The underlying issue here is that dad caters to mom’s every whim most days. It is incessant, and exhausting. He spends ridiculous amounts of money to appease her and she is never satisifed.

That’s your Dad’s choice, and if he has always done this, then he has trained her to expect a lot. You blame her, but you don’t see that he has enabled this, he has created the situation where she expects what she desires. If there is fault it is therefore as much his.

If your Dad has chosen to ‘spoil’ your mother, the blame is as much his as hers.
It is however his right to choose how he conducts his marriage.
If he doesn’t like it now, he has created the dynamic himself… though you appear to exclusively blame her for it.

You don’t see it, and I’m sorry to disagree with you but it could well be that you might have more thinking to do…

It is two people, your mother and father who have the primary vote.
You their children do not have an equal vote to either parent.

Your mother is your mother. If she needed a drink then why is she at the bottom of your food chain? Children don’t dictate to parents! There is little respect for your mother. My children would consider it a privilege to make the effort to stop for a drink if EITHER their father or I wanted a drink, even if they were tired.

Anyway, I know it’s painful if anyone challenges or disagrees as we have done. But sometimes people outside the dynamic see what those in the dynamic fail to see.
All the best, anyway.

 

[maryjk]

I pity my husband for all the times I’ve acted this way, totally irrational and impossible to please. I wish I could find a good article on the damage to relationships caused by this sort of pride. I read an article on the art of apologizing and I can see mom trying to turn over a new leaf and apologize and expect to be forgiven years of misbehavior in an instant, only to be offended when it isn’t received with the upmost gratitude. The resounding message in my head is: let your change in behavior be your apology.

Knowing a little of the back story of this. I do understand, somewhat, where you are coming from. But I also wonder if, because for so long, your mother has been unreasonable, you assume that all of her requests are unreasonable.

Sorry, but I don’t see, stopping by Sonic for a drink, when you are thirsty, as being unreasonable. If everyone else was fine without stopping, just get one, for your mother. And both cars didn’t have to stop. Heck, by definition, Sonic is “to go.”

And I have to agree with the other posters that say, “Stay out of your parents marriage.” I have a MIL that is very similar. My FIL totally caters to her. She has pushed away most of their friends. She stopped speaking to my family more than 5 years ago. But you know what? He allows it. So it is his problem. My husband doesn’t get involved.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Certain things are really no big deal, and forcing them just because the majority rules really isn’t worth it.

Mom was thirsty and wanted to stop. What would it have hurt to stop and let her get a drink?

It’s not a a big deal. Really. It’s really insignificant. Why make it a cause of stress and strife?

Life is really too short.

 

[Ed_Silvia]

The underlying issue here is that dad caters to mom’s every whim most days.

It sounds like your mother is the instrument of his salvation. Don’t rob his crown.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Another thing to consider is the message the message that you are sending to your children about how to treat family, particularly the older generation(s).

I can tell you this much, if my mom, stepfather, grandma, grandpa, and brother had been out and my grandma wanted a drink when everyone else was tired, by grandfather would have been the first to say “She wants something to drink, so let’s try to find a drive-thru”. If my grandfather had for some reason not said that, my mom would say “Ok mom, we’ll find you a place”. It just wouldn’t matter how tired we all were, especially if we were that close to home. The message would have been clear: We put ourselves out for family and we try to make grandma feel loved and cared for. As an adult, there is no way that I would call my mom ‘unreasonable’ for wanting a soda, and I would go out of my way a little to make it happen. If you teach your children that old people are to be outvoted, ignored, and called ‘unreasonable’ for such a simple request, they will remember that’s how they’re supposed to treat family when they are raising kids and taking you out shopping.

I guess I just don’t understand why one car couldn’t be 10 minutes behind the other for a drive thru. It seems more like the OP wants to punish her mother for perceived slights against her father, and for times in the past when she has felt that she is ‘unreasonable’. But c’mon.

If you don’t want to find yourself being a difficult person to get along with like you say your mother is, then start learning to give in, even if it means going a little out of your way for your mom.

 

[TriciaF]

Another thing to consider is the message the message that you are sending to your children about how to treat family, particularly the older generation(s).

I can tell you this much, if my mom, stepfather, grandma, grandpa, and brother had been out and my grandma wanted a drink when everyone else was tired, by grandfather would have been the first to say “She wants something to drink, so let’s try to find a drive-thru”. If my grandfather had for some reason not said that, my mom would say “Ok mom, we’ll find you a place”. It just wouldn’t matter how tired we all were, especially if we were that close to home. The message would have been clear: We put ourselves out for family and we try to make grandma feel loved and cared for. As an adult, there is no way that I would call my mom ‘unreasonable’ for wanting a soda, and I would go out of my way a little to make it happen. If you teach your children that old people are to be outvoted, ignored, and called ‘unreasonable’ for such a simple request, they will remember that’s how they’re supposed to treat family when they are raising kids and taking you out shopping.

I guess I just don’t understand why one car couldn’t be 10 minutes behind the other for a drive thru. It seems more like the OP wants to punish her mother for perceived slights against her father, and for times in the past when she has felt that she is ‘unreasonable’. But c’mon.

If you don’t want to find yourself being a difficult person to get along with like you say your mother is, then start learning to give in, even if it means going a little out of your way for your mom.

Yes