Overscrupulosity or good sense?

[KiwiCatholic86]

If a guy offered to pay for a female friend to fly out and visit him, would it be okay for her to accept or is that not the done thing? The young people in this scenario live in different countries, have never met face-to-face before, and an important motivation is to clear up whether or not there’s a possibility something could come of it romantically Also, the young man is better off financially and would fly out himself to visit if the offer was refused.

If you guessed that this scenario is not completely hypothetical, congratulations! I’ve been wondering about it for a while and would really like some feedback. Thanks

 

[cwby-flyer]

The usual way these things work is that the man will fly to visit the lady as this is the safest option. I followed this pattern when I met my fiancee (catholicmatch.com - a little shameless plug).

 

[asquared]

KiwiCatholic86:

If a guy offered to pay for a female friend to fly out and visit him, would it be okay for her to accept or is that not the done thing?

Miss Manners or Emily Post would say, only if the couple is engaged, and only if it is clearly understood that no sharing of rooms or beds is planned or allowed. in etiquette (remember etiquette?) a gentlemen never gives and elaborate or expensive gift to a lady unless and until they are engaged.

 

[maendem]

Go visit her yourself.

Offering to pay for her trip just puts her in an difficult situation: either 1) she feels pressure to accept simply because of your generosity, even though she is not at the point where she would independently choose to visit you 2) she declines because she doesn’t feel ready or doesn’t think such a trip would be appropriate at this time, effectively forcing her to put an emotional damper on the relationship when in fact she feels quite positive about it. 3) she accepts because she really wants to see you, but wonders ever after why you didn’t offer to visit her yourself instead of effectively “summoning” her instead.

If the point of a trip, as you write, would be to clear up whether something romantic is going on or might happen, then sending her money to come see you could only introduce countless other complexities and make everything much more obscure.

Be a gentlemen, forthrightly declare your intentions in person or by letter if you like/love her, and then graciously accept her reply.
Don’t play the silly game of “let’s see where this is going.” Where do you want it to go? Let her know!

Good luck.

 

[KiwiCatholic86]

Sorry. I only realised when I started reading maendem’s post that there’s nothing to indicate which character in the story I am. I’m the young lady in question. The offer has always made me uncomfortable and I’ve been inclined to decline (whoops) but I’m not quite sure why. Thank-you all very much for the advice. I’ll definately be putting thought into the issue and won’t accept.

 

[KiwiCatholic86]

cwby-flyer:

The usual way these things work is that the man will fly to visit the lady as this is the safest option. I followed this pattern when I met my fiancee (catholicmatch.com - a little shameless plug).

Oh, and congratulations!