'pagan' in-laws

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lwest said:
Oh…did I mention that they’re blatant racists? Once my BIL showed my husband a picture of a biracial child and said, “See the zebra? See the little checkerboard?” my daughter heard this and when I told him to stop speaking that way in front of my kid, he went off on me to the point where I was afraid for my safety.

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reason enough to stay away from them and to keep your children away. last sentence says it all. if your husband wants to visit he can go for an hour or so without you and the kids, and then you can have the rest of the day together. No, he does not have to eat 2 meals, he can just say know. He can also start defending you when they attack.

if you find yourself in an unavoidable situation with them and the comments start again, simply shrug and say, “well that’s funny, you really seem to be defensive about this issue so we will change the topic. how bout them Cowboys?”
 
lwest said:
My dh feels he has to see his parents and I don’t want to argue that point. He loves them, even though they cause so much grief. . My mom’s dead and my dad lives across the country. The only ‘side’ I have is an aunt who did invite us over but his parents ‘outrank’ them. there’s no way to get out of it. If there was, we’d take it. I even asked the homeless shelter if they needed any volunteers to serve dinner but (sigh) no, they had enough. What’s stressing me out more is that on the 27th, my dd is having surgery and I know they’ll offer to watch my ds and we don’t want them babysitting. I don’t like what they say and do when I’m sitting right there. And the last time she babysat, he came home with a huge scratch on his arm. When I asked her what happened, she said, “I didn’t do it.” To me, that was an admission of guilt. I think they’re nuts and I can have compassion on someone who’s mentally ill. A lot of it may not be her fault but I’m telling you, my patience is running thin. I hate the way it effects my dh. (ok…and I aint’ too crazy about how it affect me, either)
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I know you think that you HAVE to go, but you are adults and can make your own decisions. I know it sounds unloving, but your hubby needs to stand up to his mother and tell her that if your family will be disrespected in her home, you won’t feel welcome there and will not visit. Your family is important and you deserve to see them, even if you “only” have an aunt. You are a person too, just as much as your mother-in-law!
 
linu(name removed by moderator) said:
I know you think that you HAVE to go, but you are adults and can make your own decisions. I know it sounds unloving, but your hubby needs to stand up to his mother and tell her that if your family will be disrespected in her home, you won’t feel welcome there and will not visit. Your family is important and you deserve to see them, even if you “only” have an aunt. You are a person too, just as much as your mother-in-law!
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I love you! Will you adopt me? 🙂
 
Thank you, everyone, for your (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers. I feel calmer and stronger today and I know the prayers helped. He and I have an agreement that if things get ugly, we’ll just pick up and leave. Let’s hope they can make nicey-nicey for a couple of hours and I’ll try to do the same. even my dd doesn’t want to go…she says she loves them and all but she feels the tension. She ain’t stupid. It’ll be what’s it’s going to be and if you can remember me on Thursday while you’re carving that turkey…toss up a Hail Mary for me. I know I’ll need it.

And I hope all of you have a blessed Thanksgiving with your respective families.
 
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I’ll pray for you!

Your IL’s sound like they’re related to my brother, the same attitude and criticisms. He’s decided that my sister is the “matriarch” of the family (our parents and grandparents are dead, we don’t see any of the extended family except at funerals and occasional weddings), and should host all the holidays (she’s a heathen too-I prefer that term over “pagan” as pagans actually do believe in things besides their own pleasure-but a nice tolerant heathen :D, unlike my brother, the mean nasty racist judgemental heathen :mad:). That’s fine, except last April she was diagnosed w/ breast cancer, and has spent the last 7 months undergoing a lumpectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation (which she just finished yesterday), so, needless to say, she’s just not up to it! So I offered to do it (instead of going to my wonderful in-laws). She told my brother I was doing it instead, and he said he “won’t come here”. Why? Because I never call him. And why do I never call him? Because he is EXACTLY like you described your ILs! Plus, he likes to do fun things like squeeze my leg right above the knee, give me “dutch rubs” on the head, and sit on me and pass gas. I’m almost 39; he’s almost 44. What kind of adult does these things??? (The fact that my dh won’t stand up and put a stop to it is a whole other issue, and the only point of contention in our marriage. He doesn’t like confrontation, and doesn’t feel it’s “his place” to call my brother out, as he’s MY brother, not his. Never mind that I’m his wife, and we are one flesh…but I digress).

So, since my niece just had a baby,and my sister is driving to Florida the day after Thanksgiving with her mother-in-law to them, she would rather eat at her mother-in-law’s and spend the night. So I get to dodge a bullet (my brother) until Christmas (which my sister agreed to host), and spend Thanksgiving with my wonderful IL’s, who I thank God daily for.

I’m sorry you’re not getting a similiar reprieve. I just wanted you to know I totally understand where you’re coming from, and you will be in my prayers (I’m going to need yours at Christmas!)

In Christ,

Ellen
 
ALLGIRLS said:
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I’ll pray for you!

Plus, he likes to do fun things like squeeze my leg right above the knee, give me “dutch rubs” on the head, and sit on me and pass gas. I’m almost 39; he’s almost 44. What kind of adult does these things???

EWWWWW!!! He sits on you and passes gas on you? And he squeezes your leg? That’s creepy. Grab his thumb and pry is all the way back and tell him if he touches you again, you’ll call the cops. Something’s wrong with him. You poor thing…that’s awful.

Is your dh afraid of him? But I completely agree, he should stand up for you. That’s why the behavior continues.

Thanks so much for the prayers. I’ll pray for you for Christmas. Tis the season, huh? I love the line from Christmas Vacation when the mom says to the daughter, “It’s the holidays, honey. We’re all miserable.” I keep hoping for that Hallmark Holiday where it’s all 'warm and fuzzy". not a chance.
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lwest said:
Thank you, everyone, for your (name removed by moderator)ut and prayers. I feel calmer and stronger today and I know the prayers helped. He and I have an agreement that if things get ugly, we’ll just pick up and leave. Let’s hope they can make nicey-nicey for a couple of hours and I’ll try to do the same. even my dd doesn’t want to go…she says she loves them and all but she feels the tension. She ain’t stupid. It’ll be what’s it’s going to be and if you can remember me on Thursday while you’re carving that turkey…toss up a Hail Mary for me. I know I’ll need it.

And I hope all of you have a blessed Thanksgiving with your respective families.
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You say your dd does not want to go. Your dd is having surgery the next day right? She does not need that type of stress right before surgery. If this is going to stress her out I wouldn’t go.

If my bil caused me to fear for my life that would be last time I went and saw him and his family. I would not go back and dh would have to see them by himself.

You dh needs to get his priorities set. What is more important to him. The well being of his wife and children(immediate family), or his extended family who have the potential to do harm to his immediate family ( his wife and children)? There is nothing that dictates that you HAVE to spend time with extended family on Thanksgiving.
 
Sabda said:
You say your dd does not want to go. Your dd is having surgery the next day right? She does not need that type of stress right before surgery. If this is going to stress her out I wouldn’t go.

If my bil caused me to fear for my life that would be last time I went and saw him and his family. I would not go back and dh would have to see them by himself.

You dh needs to get his priorities set. What is more important to him. The well being of his wife and children(immediate family), or his extended family who have the potential to do harm to his immediate family ( his wife and children)? There is nothing that dictates that you HAVE to spend time with extended family on Thanksgiving.
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My dh is doing much better than he used to. He used to go over there and come back really critical of everything I said and did. But once he refused to go there when they banned me from their house. I was banned from the house because I supposedly 'kept her from seeing her granddaughter. But we were out the door to get to the hospital!) UGH!! So he has stood up for me and he’s doing much better than he used to. I know he feels torn. he loves them and that’s normal. I think he sees them as being unfair towards me and he’s apologized for that and he thanks me now when I go over there with him because I can usually keep my cool. Maybe I’m the one feeling more stressed this time and I’m afraid I’ll say something I shouldn’t.

The BIL will only be around for an hour after we get there because he has to work. We’re not going to stay all that long because of the dd’s surgery the next day. we have to get up very early. So i’m hoping it goes relatively smoothly. My dh doesn’t see not going as an option. if things go horribly, there’ll be a conversation about it. I don’t want to fight with him about this, either, ya know? Say a prayer for both of us, ok?
 
We went. it was pretty much uneventful and now we’re home. Thank you, everyone for the prayers and advice.
 
lwest said:
I see your point and I wish it were that easy. We’re looking at it as a family obligation to spend holidays with his parents. I could easily back out and catch up with them at dinner, like you suggested but my dh feels strongly about it and I don’t want to start a rift with him about it. He does agree to leave though, if things get heated.

Yeah…that’s what the holidays are for, aren’t they? 🙂 Seriously, we are allowing it, you’re right. Maybe with the hopes that it won’t be that bad. He does want to see his parents…but he doesn’t want to be hasselled… He wants the kids to see their grandparents. I completely agree with the boundaries but that’s where the trouble lies, too. They don’t want boundaries. They’ve ruined the BIL’s marriage, raised his child (who’s a walking testament to their wisdom and ability). She wanted to go on the honeymoon with us, she wanted to name our children, she wanted to decide who was invited to our house (no, she didnt’ live with us)…sorry more venting.
Taking it any further (like not going there) has to be up to my husband. They’re his family and he’s always been supportive with my family (ok…my dad rarely visits, but still). He did agree to leave if things get too ugly. Just wish we could make a faster exit. My dd uses crutches to walk when there (she has spina bifida) so there’s no ‘dashing out the door’.
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I cannot believe what I read. You are allowing your hubby to allow his parents to treat you so shabbily. Which, IMHO is the equivalent of him abusing you.
If it were me, I would put my foot down NOW. You should cut ties immediately.

It seems to me that your hubby doesn’t mind if you and your children are abused. What good does it do for you to dress in a skirt and wear a mantilla for Mass but allow your children to be abused by their extended family.

Full disclosure, I have been in a very similar position. We have no contact with the people in question. My hubby is in contact with one member via email.
 
the examples I gave (wanting to name the kids, etc…) were from early on in our marriage. Things have improved greatly since then. Oh, she’d love to run every aspect of our lives but we don’t let her. My dh still gets flack from them but we ‘do our own thing’ (i.e. pray the rosary, go toMass, volunteer, homeschool, etc…but to clarify, I don’t wear skirts or a mantilla) Dh deals with the fallout and I feel bad for him. But to completely cut ties would probably extreme at this point. Oh, funny thing to relay here…my dd was talking to my MIL yesterday and dd was grilling her on her views on abortion and divorce/remarriage (my dd is 11). She was being nice about it, just asking her views on different things. My MIL layed into my husband for it since the BIL is divorced and dating. I commend my dd for speaking up for her faith, while being respectful of course.

So maybe (if dh and I have a united front and have those boundaries) the kids will learn to deal with different kinds of people. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I’ve referred to the extended family as a “cornicopia of dysfunction”. (yes, I’ll confess that at the next confession!) I want them to have a sense of humor, be compassionate, stand firm in their faith.I really don’t think they’re abused by going there. And it’s not regular contact.

But I KNOW I wouldn’t have made it through yesterday without the prayers. They’ve carried me andstill carry me today while my dd is in surgery as I type this. It should take 8-10 hours. already 1 glitch but the outcome shouldn’t be too badly affected. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
 
Full disclosure, I have been in a very similar position. We have no contact with the people in question. My hubby is in contact with one member via email.

Just wanted to add that I’m sorry you were in that situation and I hope things are going better for you.
 
lwest said:
the examples I gave (wanting to name the kids, etc…) were from early on in our marriage. Things have improved greatly since then. Oh, she’d love to run every aspect of our lives but we don’t let her. My dh still gets flack from them but we ‘do our own thing’ (i.e. pray the rosary, go toMass, volunteer, homeschool, etc…but to clarify, I don’t wear skirts or a mantilla) Dh deals with the fallout and I feel bad for him. But to completely cut ties would probably extreme at this point. Oh, funny thing to relay here…my dd was talking to my MIL yesterday and dd was grilling her on her views on abortion and divorce/remarriage (my dd is 11). She was being nice about it, just asking her views on different things. My MIL layed into my husband for it since the BIL is divorced and dating. I commend my dd for speaking up for her faith, while being respectful of course.

So maybe (if dh and I have a united front and have those boundaries) the kids will learn to deal with different kinds of people. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I’ve referred to the extended family as a “cornicopia of dysfunction”. (yes, I’ll confess that at the next confession!) I want them to have a sense of humor, be compassionate, stand firm in their faith.I really don’t think they’re abused by going there. And it’s not regular contact.

But I KNOW I wouldn’t have made it through yesterday without the prayers. They’ve carried me andstill carry me today while my dd is in surgery as I type this. It should take 8-10 hours. already 1 glitch but the outcome shouldn’t be too badly affected. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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The way I read your note was that this was going on NOW and you indicate that something bad is ongoing or you would not have said “I wouldn’t have made it…” Allowing your children to be subjected to this is IMHO a type of abuse. I would recommend that you start having more respect for yourself and your children. You had somewhere else to go and decided not to go.

Annie
 
lwest said:
We went. it was pretty much uneventful and now we’re home. Thank you, everyone for the prayers and advice.
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YEAH! Uneventful is the best kind of event you could have hoped for!!🙂
 
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