Painful debilitating abstinence vs. reasons to postpone

[nikole8506]

Hi everyone I was wondering if you could give me some advice? To give a little background, my DH and I have been Catholic for 4 years. We’ve been married 7 years. Before we were Catholic we used ABC and switched to NFP when we converted. We haven’t had much practice with abstinence yet since I have been either pregnant or ecological breastfeeding which we are blessed enough to have work for us until around 14 months when my cycles return.

We are trying to postpone right now because my husband is back in school due to losing his job when the housing crisis hit. We’ve also had two very needy babies in a row, one with severe eczema and one with acid reflux/colic and I’ve dealt with depression this year. However I am starting to be in a much better place. My son with eczema is much better after figuring out that he has a dairy allergy and my baby with reflux is starting to be better as well. DH is planning to graduate in May and is hopeful about a having a good job waiting for him.

So the crux of the matter is that abstinence is very difficult for DH. I understand that everyone struggles with this but it is literally debilitating for him after a week or so. Maybe that seems crazy but we have always been very active and we are still young DH is 27 (before you freak out, it’s quite normal in our area for people to marry young ) He gets back aches and stomach aches, painkillers don’t help at all. He can’t concentrate on anything. And although he hasn’t said much about it I know he must be struggling with temptations… who wouldn’t right?

I don’t want to be an irresponsible parent. If we were to get pregnant again right now I do feel like we could provide for that child just fine but I would have to be on Medicaid again which I don’t like using… our healthcare system is such a mess right now anyway… maybe I shouldn’t worry so much? I would like a little more time to feel normal again after the depression and I am worried about having another high needs baby but these reasons start to feel superficial when I’m watching DH suffer.

So at what point is my concern for the abstinence being too difficult for DH (too tempting, too painful to the point he can only lay in bed all day, too detrimental to his mental health) trump our reasons for postponing? I think our reasons are serious enough but maybe the difficulty of the abstinence means God is calling us to another child?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

 

[angell1]

Hi everyone I was wondering if you could give me some advice? To give a little background, my DH and I have been Catholic for 4 years. We’ve been married 7 years. Before we were Catholic we used ABC and switched to NFP when we converted. We haven’t had much practice with abstinence yet since I have been either pregnant or ecological breastfeeding which we are blessed enough to have work for us until around 14 months when my cycles return.

We are trying to postpone right now because my husband is back in school due to losing his job when the housing crisis hit. We’ve also had two very needy babies in a row, one with severe eczema and one with acid reflux/colic and I’ve dealt with depression this year. However I am starting to be in a much better place. My son with eczema is much better after figuring out that he has a dairy allergy and my baby with reflux is starting to be better as well. DH is planning to graduate in May and is hopeful about a having a good job waiting for him.

So the crux of the matter is that abstinence is very difficult for DH. I understand that everyone struggles with this but it is literally debilitating for him after a week or so. Maybe that seems crazy but we have always been very active and we are still young DH is 27 (before you freak out, it’s quite normal in our area for people to marry young ) He gets back aches and stomach aches, painkillers don’t help at all. He can’t concentrate on anything. And although he hasn’t said much about it I know he must be struggling with temptations… who wouldn’t right?

I don’t want to be an irresponsible parent. If we were to get pregnant again right now I do feel like we could provide for that child just fine but I would have to be on Medicaid again which I don’t like using… our healthcare system is such a mess right now anyway… maybe I shouldn’t worry so much? I would like a little more time to feel normal again after the depression and I am worried about having another high needs baby but these reasons start to feel superficial when I’m watching DH suffer.

So at what point is my concern for the abstinence being too difficult for DH (too tempting, too painful to the point he can only lay in bed all day, too detrimental to his mental health) trump our reasons for postponing? I think our reasons are serious enough but maybe the difficulty of the abstinence means God is calling us to another child?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

i think maybe he should see a doctor. it sounds like there’s more going on and it could be a medical issue. i’m not a guy but i’m pretty sure it’s not normal to be in that kind of situation just from abstaining for a week.

 

[rachella14]

I agree that he should see a doctor, whether you decide to continue postponing pregnancy or not.

Did he have this problem before you got married?

 

[nikole8506]

Doctors just say to relieve the pressure there are no Catholic doctors near us.

From what I understand it’s like when a woman stops breastfeeding. The body produces what it thinks it needs and when it isn’t used it causes engorgement and thus pain. And after googling his symptoms it sounds like it’s common enough to be referred to as priests disease .

 

[rachella14]

That is too bad about the lack of Catholic doctors

You say you haven’t had much time yet that you’ve really had to abstain, I wonder if it might just be a matter of his body getting used to it? I have heard of the “pressure” thing before, but I was under the impression that, to put it delicately, this was something the body would take care of itself.

I’m sorry you have this added complication, I know that abstaining for nfp purposes can be a difficult thing on it’s own.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

Hi everyone I was wondering if you could give me some advice? To give a little background, my DH and I have been Catholic for 4 years. We’ve been married 7 years. Before we were Catholic we used ABC and switched to NFP when we converted. We haven’t had much practice with abstinence yet since I have been either pregnant or ecological breastfeeding which we are blessed enough to have work for us until around 14 months when my cycles return.

We are trying to postpone right now because my husband is back in school due to losing his job when the housing crisis hit. We’ve also had two very needy babies in a row, one with severe eczema and one with acid reflux/colic and I’ve dealt with depression this year. However I am starting to be in a much better place. My son with eczema is much better after figuring out that he has a dairy allergy and my baby with reflux is starting to be better as well. DH is planning to graduate in May and is hopeful about a having a good job waiting for him.

So the crux of the matter is that abstinence is very difficult for DH. I understand that everyone struggles with this but it is literally debilitating for him after a week or so. Maybe that seems crazy but we have always been very active and we are still young DH is 27 (before you freak out, it’s quite normal in our area for people to marry young ) He gets back aches and stomach aches, painkillers don’t help at all. He can’t concentrate on anything. And although he hasn’t said much about it I know he must be struggling with temptations… who wouldn’t right?

I don’t want to be an irresponsible parent. If we were to get pregnant again right now I do feel like we could provide for that child just fine but I would have to be on Medicaid again which I don’t like using… our healthcare system is such a mess right now anyway… maybe I shouldn’t worry so much? I would like a little more time to feel normal again after the depression and I am worried about having another high needs baby but these reasons start to feel superficial when I’m watching DH suffer.

So at what point is my concern for the abstinence being too difficult for DH (too tempting, too painful to the point he can only lay in bed all day, too detrimental to his mental health) trump our reasons for postponing? I think our reasons are serious enough but maybe the difficulty of the abstinence means God is calling us to another child?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Well, there are cold showers - that does work - separate beds, separate rooms, regular exercise, hobbies. But I have to tell you, he needs to toughen up, a week is pretty puny, he should last six months. All adults need to get control of their sexual habits, what would he do if you had a debilitating accident, or he had one? I’m serious, he needs some serious training.

Linus2nd

 

[nikole8506]

That is too bad about the lack of Catholic doctors

You say you haven’t had much time yet that you’ve really had to abstain, I wonder if it might just be a matter of his body getting used to it? I have heard of the “pressure” thing before, but I was under the impression that, to put it delicately, this was something the body would take care of itself.

I’m sorry you have this added complication, I know that abstaining for nfp purposes can be a difficult thing on it’s own.

This is what I’m wondering as well. And unfortunately for some reason his body is not working that way.

And thank you for your sympathy.

Also this wasn’t a problem before marriage. But I think I it’s a huge adjustment for the body after already being very active to suddenly not at all.

 

[nikole8506]

Well, there are cold showers - that does work - separate beds, separate rooms, regular exercise, hobbies. But I have to tell you, he needs to toughen up, a week is pretty puny, he should last six months. All adults need to get control of their sexual habits, what would he do if you had a debilitating accident, or he had one? I’m serious, he needs some serious training.

Linus2nd

Unfortunately cold shows haven’t worked. I’m a bit offended that you would say he needs to toughen up. He is not a stranger to pain. And he is trying very hard. I’m sure like anything it takes practice. This post is about me seeing him miserable and me questioning wether our reasons are good enough to warrant this much misery for him. If our reason were serious enough or if there were an accident he would suffer through like he is now.

 

[His_helpmeet]

NFP doesn’t require substantial abstinence - intercourse is generally available every other day during infertile periods, and abstinence is only required for a few days during fertile periods.

There are different methods of NFP available; if you have concerns about your ability to evaluate cervical mucous or sensations you might think about the SymptoThermal method, or possibly the Marquette method, although I know little about the latter except that it requires a fertility monitor.

 

[nikole8506]

We use Marquette. I have no idea where you would get only a few days of abstinence. At least in my own cycle (I’ve only had 3 in 4 years due to breastfeeding and pregnancy) it’s been at least 11 days of abstaining. And I can’t use past day 5 for phase 1 because I haven’t had 6 cycles yet.

 

[rachella14]

We use Marquette. I have no idea where you would get only a few days of abstinence. At least in my own cycle (I’ve only had 3 in 4 years due to breastfeeding and pregnancy) it’s been at least 11 days of abstaining. And I can’t use past day 5 for phase 1 because I haven’t had 6 cycles yet.

Yeah I guess it depends on what you want to call “a few” because we usually have to abstain for two weeks or more (in addition to time at the beginning of the cycle). I use Creighton…I have heard Marquette might result in more abstaining than other methods, you may want to look into others to see if it helps shave off a few days here and there. 11 sounds about right to me though.

 

[LongingSoul]

So at what point is my concern for the abstinence being too difficult for DH (too tempting, too painful to the point he can only lay in bed all day, too detrimental to his mental health) trump our reasons for postponing? I think our reasons are serious enough but maybe the difficulty of the abstinence means God is calling us to another child?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

There’s an art to abstinence and it possibly will require your husband to develop this after having an early habit of uninhibited gratification in your marriage. Men who go straight from single celibate to married NFP, have an advantage here.

To cope with the periods of abstinence, requires embracing that time as meaningful to the marriage. You’ve definitely got to relate in a way that’s not going to start the train moving out of the station in the first place. It’s not going to help thinking he can indulge in thoughts and behaviours that require the train to be hauled screeching back to the station before arriving at the end of the track. There are many situations that require celibacy from husbands for longer stints than the fertile period and it can be done with purposeful acceptance.

Simple tip… ice packs can help with his pain.