Parental authority vs. Grandparents' "Rights"

[jazzbaby1]

I love my mother-in-law, but she can be a bit pushy where she feels her “right” to do whatever she wants with my kids is concerned. For example, she brought over a keyboard for my girls (ages 2 1/2 and 1) even though she knew I didn’t want them to have one yet (we’ve discussed this more than once). She tried to sneak it in behind her back, which just annoyed me. They’ve already lost the keyboard because they got into a shoving match over it (part of the reason I didn’t think they were ready for one is that they’re still learning about sharing). At any rate, it’s not just the toy; it’s like she’s recently decided that she wants to engage us in a power struggle. On Sunday she walked in and told my older daughter to put her shoes on because they were going somewhere without asking my husband or I first; I told her that in the future she has to ask us first or the answer is going to be a resounding no. I let them go for a walk (MIL said it was to a yard sale down the street) and when they came back MIL said that there was no yard sale but that she’d taken my daughter to meet X family but they weren’t home. I don’t know X family and I told her again that it was not okay to just take my daughter somewhere without checking with us first, especially to meet someone I don’t know.

The thing is that she KNOWS how my husband and I feel about this. She was very supportive during my falling out with my father-in-law’s girlfriend over the same issue (FIL’s GF walked off with this same daughter, then 15 months old, in the middle of a crowded mall while I was in the ladies room) but seems to think that it should be okay for her to do it. Is it acceptable for me to set a boundary up around my kids? What is an acceptable consequence, or should there even be a consequence? I admittedly have a knee-jerk response to any suggestion that grandparents have authority (my paternal grandparents trumped up an abuse charge against my stepmother to get me to live with them and then tried to entice my brother to move in, too), what does the Church teach about this?

 

[Shiann]

Two thoughts come to mind when I read your post. But before I get to it, I first want to give you a big (((HUG))). This is a tough situation, and as the good mama I’m sure you are, these situations weigh heavy on us. I have this same situation, but with my OWN mother. I find myself having a power struggle with her on many issues relating to how my daughter is being brought up.

My first thought, was that I can totally relate to this. But I have learned to pick my battles. I have sat down with my mother many times, and let her know what my wishes were, but mom always wanted to offer a variant of that. ::sigh:: I had to learn to hold my tongue with many things. She wants to show her love, and have a special relationship with my daughter. I had to learn to understand that becuase their relationship will be unique, that it will also include situations that I would not normally choose. I have developed a few rules to gauging when to step in.

1. Is my daughter in immediate danger. Obviously you wnat to avoid situations which would lead to harm.
2. Reflecting on my the moral framework from which I teach my child, is that person doing serious damage to my teachings to her. (Remembering that many situations will come up in their little lives that will not be completely moral- but you can use to reflect a moral teaching.)
3. I had to make sure my daughter understood that UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, I was the ULTIMATE AUTHORITY. If she did not have my permission to go- and she did go, she would be punished. This will be easier to enforce as your daughters get older.

You get the idea.

My second thought is that your MIL obviously raised one child right- you married him. How, with all the experience they obviously have, do we feel so “confronted” by these women (MIL and mother)?

Is it a valid feeling?

Or is it us feeling like “we can do it ourselves!” (Recollecting when my daughter reached the age of 2 or 3 and refused my help with EVERYTHING.) I understood at the time that she just needed an opportunity to stretch her wings and try out her methods. I still felt rejected and hurt by this, but understood.

I wondered if my being a fairly new parent- and wanting to stretch my parental wings and try my methods, that I wasn’t pushing away the very people who could offer advice and love and support. I found this to be pretty much the reality of my situation.

Sure my mom overstepped her bounds on MANY issues. But I was overly sensitive to many issues too. I decided to find a happy medium- and sat down with mom.

I let her know that I was feeling like she was undermining everything I needed to do to try to learn to be as good a parent as she was! She took offense to this right away (it is her way ) but eventually I think I convinced her. We still OFTEN disagree on issues, but I am more apt to hear her out, and still make my own decisions. Sometimes she has very valid advice- and I often take it. Sometimes we fight like cats (again, her way ). But we found a good place in our relationship.

About the getting toys/gifts outside of the holidays- you can just say that anything they bring over unannounced will find itself at the nearest charity faster than she can say “But their my Grandkids!” That’s only fair.

As for them taking a walk with gramma- I’d lighten up just a hair. You probably don’t need to worry about her taking them to someplace indecent or illegal. And getting to know new people that gramma knows is cool to a kid. Gramma and her granddaughters need to have some gramma time too- without Mom’s eagle eyes. (I have eagle eyes too- so don’t take offense to that comment!)

If you are worried about their mental health, and their ability to keep up with active kids, you may have reason to keep a better hold on the situation, but I think if gramma says “we’re taking a walk- we’ll be back shortly.” Should be all the info you need. Gramma’s a big girl. And if gramma feels like she needs to lie to you to get some time with her grandkids- what does THAT teach your kids to do? Lie and tell mom we’re going to the neigbors to play- then ride the bike to the park…

(I know, it happened to me! ) My daughter had seen mom tell me fibs so many times so they could go do something together, that she eventually caught on. We quickly put a stop to BOTH of them doing that- and I let up A LOT on gramma so she wouldn’t feel the need to lie to me.

Again, you have my sympathies. This is a natural part of every parent’s journey. Some parents have an easier time with in-laws than others. It sounds like your MIL loves her grandkids, and you should embrace that while your kids are able to know her- for there will come a time where gramma might not be around for them.

Take care- my prayers are with you during this stressful time. You sound like a great mom though, and a faithful person. God will help you.

 

[sparkle]

jazzbaby1:

I love my mother-in-law, but she can be a bit pushy where she feels her “right” to do whatever she wants with my kids is concerned. For example, she brought over a keyboard for my girls (ages 2 1/2 and 1) even though she knew I didn’t want them to have one yet (we’ve discussed this more than once). She tried to sneak it in behind her back, which just annoyed me. They’ve already lost the keyboard because they got into a shoving match over it (part of the reason I didn’t think they were ready for one is that they’re still learning about sharing). At any rate, it’s not just the toy; it’s like she’s recently decided that she wants to engage us in a power struggle. On Sunday she walked in and told my older daughter to put her shoes on because they were going somewhere without asking my husband or I first; I told her that in the future she has to ask us first or the answer is going to be a resounding no. I let them go for a walk (MIL said it was to a yard sale down the street) and when they came back MIL said that there was no yard sale but that she’d taken my daughter to meet X family but they weren’t home. I don’t know X family and I told her again that it was not okay to just take my daughter somewhere without checking with us first, especially to meet someone I don’t know.

The thing is that she KNOWS how my husband and I feel about this. She was very supportive during my falling out with my father-in-law’s girlfriend over the same issue (FIL’s GF walked off with this same daughter, then 15 months old, in the middle of a crowded mall while I was in the ladies room) but seems to think that it should be okay for her to do it. Is it acceptable for me to set a boundary up around my kids? What is an acceptable consequence, or should there even be a consequence? I admittedly have a knee-jerk response to any suggestion that grandparents have authority (my paternal grandparents trumped up an abuse charge against my stepmother to get me to live with them and then tried to entice my brother to move in, too), what does the Church teach about this?

Honey–do I ever know this problem!! After years of struggling with a completely control-oriented MIL (to put it mildly), I can tell you NOW to kindly and lovingly ask/tell her to ask you first for stuff pertaining to your kids/your marriage. Don’t feel you are obligated by any means, but let her know gently, you and hubby make decisions for your family, and please could she abide by them. Let her know how much you love her, but she needs to go through you first, plain and simple, for EVERYTHING. If she is not willing to do this, kids will not be able to spend time with her. Tell her this. Deal with it now before it gets out of hand. Your immediate family comes first, before in-laws or parents. There is something to this “leave and cleave” business. I know now, finally.

God Bless Friend~~

 

[Scout]

I’d like to know where your husband is when this is going on? Is he supportive of your position, or does he let his mother come in and do whatever she wants? Has he spoken to her about this situation at all, or has he left it up to you to handle.

I think you have every right, and obligation, to decide where your children go and with whom they go. You’re responsible for them, not their grandparents. You have to raise them, according to your beliefs and ideas.

If you think your MIL is disrespectful to you and your husband, she needs to hear about it. You can be gentle about it, but firm. She needs to know where the boundaries are. And if she’s unwilling to stay within those boundaries, then make sure she knows what the consequences will be.

Don’t forget that your children are watching this, too. If they see Grandma doing whatever she wants without asking you, what’s to make them think that they can’t do the same thing?

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Jennifer123]

Scout:

I’d like to know where your husband is when this is going on? Is he supportive of your position, or does he let his mother come in and do whatever she wants? Has he spoken to her about this situation at all, or has he left it up to you to handle.

I understand completely as I struggle with this with my own MIL. I honestly think that a lot of the problem is that she did not fully enjoy her son while he was little and since my son reminds her a lot of my husband when he was small, she gets to turn back time and try again (in her mind). I feel for her situation and that helps soften my heart a little bit. But sadly, it just doesn’t work out that way and she needs to grieve that and fully embrace her role as grandmother. I think she’s getting better but only after my husband really got involved, as he should. They are his parents and he is the first defense. It’s his responsibility to approach them with your concerns. If he won’t do it himself then join him but your MIL/FIL need to see that you two are united in this concern.

She needs to know where the boundaries are.

Yes and don’t be afraid to set them. But I do agree with Shiann and believe me a lot of what she said is hard to admit but it really is sage advice. Sometimes we really need to pick our battles, and from my own experience I’ve really been grateful to have had bit my tongue on many occasions. I’ve been in the right but ultimately it wasn’t worth the hassle.

Don’t forget that your children are watching this, too. If they see Grandma doing whatever she wants without asking you, what’s to make them think that they can’t do the same thing?

Yes absolutely and that’s what I told my IL - they were undermining our authority and that ultimately hurts the children more than it hurts me.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Didn’t read the other posts, so sorry if I’m just repeating.

We do not tolorate anyone undermining our authority with the children and have had to have some short and not so sweet conversations with my husbands parents about it. As far as we are concerned, being a grandparent is second to being a parent. I would not be hatefull to her or mean, because she probably has no idea how this attitude can divide a family. Here’s my take on the keyboard issue.

First: We would have told her point blank that teaching the kids it’s “funny” to be sneaky is not good or funny. Same goes for “secrets”. There is no excuse for teaching a child it’s funny or okay to lie or keep things from their parents. Surely if grandmother understood that this is the kind of tactic sexual predators use on children, she would agree it should never be used by her? Explaining it this way doesn’t hurt her feelings and gives her no “wiggle room” to repeat it.

Second: My in-laws bought a guitar for one of my boys at christmas. No lessons though. So I said, right in front of them (and dear husband nodded in agreement) “WOW! That’s great! As soon as grammy pays for the lessons, I’ll call to get you in!” Now, we both knew grammy wasn’t going to pay for lessons, but now the boy knows that his disappointment should be directed at grammy and not us. She was furious at not getting to be the “hero” and us the bad guys, but we had told her that we felt piano would work better and why. (We have a piano, the teacher comes to the house, the nearest guitar lessons are over 40 minutes into town.)

The moment that keyboard was damaged - THROW IT AWAY! I don’t care how expensive it was, it’s broke now and there is no point in keeping something that’s just going to drive you nuts. From now on, everytime she does a similiar stunt: just say “Oh no, that won’t work kids! We’ll have to return it, set it aside, exchange it for ___ . Grammy must have forgot what we told her.”

Third: Oh my goodness! She kidnaps your kids?!?! I have to say this would be a deal breaker for me. Even my much loved and doting husband would never just walk out with the kids and not even tell me where they were going! (I wouldn’t do that to him either.) All families are different though and I know some wouldn’t think anything of grandma doing that. But this is where you say clearly, “No, (name of child) can’t go. Let me know next time and maybe we can work something out.” Again, it would be even better if dear husband said it - without even looking or mentioning you preferably.

Fourth: As for lying about where she was taking the children… that’s yet another example of teaching your children to lie to you and that it’s okay - funny even! Tell her honestly: “You didn’t tell me the truth. You taught my children that it’s okay to lie to me. It makes me think I can’t trust you with my children. You owe me an apology.” If she can’t apologize and understand that this behavior is harmful to her grandchildren… maybe it’s time to move or reduce the time spent with her.

Lastly: Try to be aware of the good moments! Try to say yes and smile when it’s not important and to include her in a positive way. Think how you would like to be treated as a grandmother one day. It sounds to me like this grandmother is either controling by nature or just trying to forcibly fit her way into the family. The first is not to be tolerated. The second can be resolved by making sure you are giving her a comfortable and loving place in your family.

Good luck!

 

[jazzbaby1]

Thanks for all your great replies; you’ve given me a lot to think about.

My dear husband was in his workshop when all this was going on and I didn’t want to disturb him (he was working on a frustrating project) but he stands behind whatever decisions I make about other people and the kids. I truly do like my mother-in-law and don’t want this to fester between us.

 

[Trelow]

ARGH!!!
I’ve been having the same issues with my in-laws. But there is now way I can get into it here with out getting banned. They drive me bonkers!

But I just had to lay down the law, and boy-golly did that cause a fit. But you can’t give in, there big kids, they should know how to deal with dissapointment by now.

 

[newf]

In my house the rule has been ‘grandparents who don’t respect the parents do not get to see the grandchildren’.

Unfortunately, the problem grandparents are my own parents and they have not seen my children grow up. They missed graduations and now they will be cut out of our first wedding. It has caused much anguish over the years, but I believe I had to protect my children. And that I did.

Predators can come in all kinds of disguises, and sometimes they wear grandparent clothing.

 

[KCT]

Since you can’t totally trust her to tell the truth about where she’s taking the kids and what they’re doing, maybe you can sweetly offer to go along whenever she offers to take the kids out. It will be a pain to drop what you’re doing and say, “That sounds like fun, let me get my coat.”, but she’ll catch on! (This is presuming you’ve discussed the situation and she’s ignoring your wishes)
If she does this w/ toddlers, what might she do with teens later on? Nip it in the bud!
—KCT