Parenting after the loss of a child

[Pjs2ejs]

I realize my situation is unique but if there is anyone who can lend some help to me, I would appreciate it.

We lost our 20 month old son a year and a half ago from a SIDS-like situation. He was adopted as well as our 5 year old daughter. We recently decided to adopt again and have been blessed with two little girls, ages 4 months and 21 months. We picked them up last Friday.

I am struggling with so many things. First, I feel ashamed that I don’t have a strong bond with the girls. I really want to be a great dad but I don’t feel very close yet. Second, I worry that something will happen to the girls and I am having trouble sleeping. Third, many of the girls’ characteristics remind me of my son and I wonder if he or people think that I am trying to replace him. I am not. But I feel like a lot a grieving is coming back.

If anybody has some words of wisdom, I could really use them. This should be a joyful moment for me and I have been feeling miserable. God has blessed us with two beautiful girls.

 

[Belle10]

I am struggling with so many things. First, I feel ashamed that I don’t have a strong bond with the girls. I really want to be a great dad but I don’t feel very close yet. Second, I worry that something will happen to the girls and I am having trouble sleeping. Third, many of the girls’ characteristics remind me of my son and I wonder if he or people think that I am trying to replace him. I am not. But I feel like a lot a grieving is coming back.

First, I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. :hug1:

As far as your daughters, I’m sure you will bond with them, but it’s only been a few days, and I’m sure it takes time. Give yourself a break – if you think back to when you adopted your other children, the bond probably wasn’t instant with them either, right?

It’s normal to worry about our kids, especially so for someone in your position who has lost a child. I’m quite the worrier myself. All I can suggest is lots of prayer – try to trust Jesus. I highly recommend the chaplet of Divine Mercy (check my signature for a link if you’re not familiar with it).

You know you’re not trying to replace your son, and that no one ever could. Don’t worry about what others think. If your daughters have a lot of the same characteristics as your son, I’m sure it’s tough because they remind you of him, but that can also be a blessing too.

As far as grieving, don’t fight those feelings. It’s OK to grieve those we’ve lost – just remember that your little boy is in heaven with God praying and interceding for your family. I hope there is at least some small comfort in that.

Maybe talking about your feelings with someone would help? A priest or a counselor?

Praying for your family – for healing, peace, and joy.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

Congratulations on your adoption!!!

Have you talked to your adoption case worker? They might have some resources for you. You might also try a local Catholic Charities, if you didn’t adopt through them.

I frequent an adoption forum, if you would like to know what one, PM me. The women and men on there are VERY understanding and informative.

Also, just to let you know, I was reading one of the threads on the parenting forum, I think it was the one for new mommies. They were talking about how the first 3 months were not really that fun. Maybe you could post over there and they can offer some advice.

Oh one last thing, I received a newsletter from our Catholic Charities yesterday, (we are hoping to adopt through them), they had some information on bonding, if you would like me to forward it, PM me.

Again, congratulations on your new babies!!!

 

[BlestOne]

I am sorry for your loss. Many of the things you describe are very natural and understandable. I experienced some of what you are talking about. I never “lost” a child to SIDS but I did have all my natural kids on monitors from the day they were born because of a strong family disposition toward sleep apnea and SIDS. After my first was born and we fought the initial fight to get the doctors to pay attention, I found that I didn’t sleep more than 45 minutes at a pop for fear of not hearing the alarms on the monitor. So, when Child #2 was on the way, I pulled out the monitor and started fighting with the medical staff to be prepared for the next child. Well, that child had issues of his own which didn’t include apnea, but I just couldn’t let myself get too attached until I proved that he would be ok. Same with the next one… I think it is a natural reaction that we don’t want to suffer or hurt so we don’t let ourselves get close until we are sure that the child will survive. You do have to get over it for the sake of the children though. Part of how I did that was to offer prayers of gratitude to God every night for the blessings I did have… then the bonding came and the sleep…

 

[Brenda_V]

As a parent who has lost a child before having another I can tell you that all that is happening with you is quite normal.

I have birthed three children, my middle child had multiple handicaps which caused her to die at the age of 2 1/2 years. When she would have been 4 we had our third child.

The only difference between you and me is the number of children in your family and how they came to you - someone else birthed them but you are their parent!

Worry comes with the territory of parenting and it becomes even more so when you have lost a child, the trick is to not let it become overwhelming - so far so good it sounds like .

Don’t be afraid to talk with your adoption councilor about your fears, the fear of not bonding, the fear of one or both dying in the same way - all valid fears but remember they are only fears, not realities. If this person is unable to help you contact your pediatrician she will be able to direct you to someone who can help with the grief of losing your son console

My baby has been in heaven now for 24 years - I still have days when I miss her but through prayer God gave us, her mother and father, the ability to parent a younger sister without extreme fear, we were able to internalize that she is a different child and death wasn’t just around the corner for her and we could let her be a child and not be over protective.

We have another mom on this list who lost a son to a drowning accident and she was pregnant at the time, hopefully she will come on and help you too.

You will always miss your child who died, your newly adopted children are your children and you will bond with them in time, they may have a harder time than a newborn as well adapting and bonding but love will overcome all:thumbsup:.

Brenda V.

 

[Arlene]

We lost our preemie son and went on to have 2 subsequent daughters.

The subsequent pregnancies were very scary, and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Since all your children came by way of adoption, I 'm sure some of the pregnancy fears would translate to newly adopted fears. kwim?

While its easy to be accused of trying to replace a child, the fact is that if you are in your babymaking years, (or in your case, adding to your family years), chances are you might have adopted additional children anyway.

And yes, you will probably be reminded of your son more times than you will be able to count. And your kids are not even genetically related!! But even today, 16 years later, something will hit me like a ton of bricks. A name, the age, seeing his sister hit a milestone that he never was able to hit. Somtimes I get totally blindsided.

But a year and a half is not a long time. Your grief is still pretty raw. And the mixed feelings towards your new daughters is totally normal.

My suggestions is to let them know, as they grow up, that they have an older brother in heaven. Let him continue to be part of your family. Honor his place as the only brother among sisters. Talk about him, bring them to the cemetary, if you can. Celebrate his birthday, remember his death day. By doing that, you will let it be known that your son was a seperate, distinct child who deserves to be remembered, but that you have enough love in your heart to embrace additional children.