parenting and priorities

[foreverblessed]

My belief is that one’s spouse should come after God and then the children. I feel that it is our responsibility to first love and honor God and then to lift up our spouse. It is then our responsibility to teach our children to know, love and serve God. Of course, we are called to care for our children’s immediate needs and they sometimes come before the needs and desires of our spouse. That goes with out saying. Please understand that I am no suggesting that you should give your wife a foot massage while your infant is sitting a diaper full of poo. I am referring to the idea that your spouse comes before the children meaning that the first person that Daddy kisses when he walks in the door should be his wife. Another simple example would be, if your husband values family dinner time all reasonable efforts should be made to insure that there are no activities that interfere with this special family time. This is NOT about parenting practices but rather an order of priorities. I do believe that somewhere within the Church teachings is the implicit understanding that the commitment to your spouse within the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony is to be held above all things besides God.

I am surprised the number of people in this forum who feel that either the children should come first or that God, Spouse and children should be viewed at as equally important. I am also surprised to see the large number of Catholics who subscribe to a particular parenting style in which the main tenants are: “on-demand and extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and babywearing in a sling or lots of “in-arms” time, and few or no periods of separation.” One might think that this would make it very challenging to put your spouse first, after God. However, I’m sure that the argument can be made. I am not interested in starting a debate with those committed the ideas of Attachment Parenting. I am hoping to find a common ground in the importance in lifting up one’s spouse. I would like to see how everyone lifts up their spouse and embraces this gift of Holy Matrimony, regardless of what category of parenting style you fall under.

 

[jess7396]

There was a whole thread about this a couple of weeks ago .

As a proponent of AP, I just want to say that my dh and I are doing just fine, no problems here .

Seriously, my marriage is not suffering as my dh and I both are very serious about meeting our children’s needs as well as each others, we see no battle for affections/attention here, and if I am in the kitchen when dh gets home, he is perfectly welcome to kiss the kids first, so long as he still has a kiss for me, I am happy.

I propose that the problem is not with meeting your children’s needs, if a couple has problems in their marriage, it is b/c one is neglecting the other, or both are neglecting each other. Taking care of my children has not stopped my dh and I from being able to care for each other as well, and I know plenty of APing parents in the same boat, don’t worry about us .

Are you worried about someone in particular? Are you having trouble finding a balance in your marriage? I am not trying to be snarky, just curious if you are assuming there are problems with other people’s marriages, and are assuming you can enlighten them? I can understand if you know someone you are worried about, or if you are having trouble finding balance, just hoping you aren’t making assumptions about other people’s marriages.

IMO the order of my values goes God, then my dh and kids together, called “my family”, no need to seperate them out .

A little more rambling- APing gives me more time for my dh, and makes it easier for us to meet each other’s needs. I don’t have to spend time preparing/washing bottles, I don’t have to get up at night to feed the babe (making me tired the next day), I can make dinner with baby in the wrap (sling) instead of trying to figure out wether the bouncy chair or exersaucer will make him happy, and heck I can BF him while I make dinner too :LOL, couldn’t do that well when I was bottle feeding. APing actually gives us more time together, and I can compare as with my first I was not doing these things, and boy- was I a lot more frenzied .

 

[foreverblessed]

I am not making any assumptions about anyone’s marriage. I read (and participated in) the thread a few weeks ago on this subject and it is from there that I was surprised to see so many people disagree with the God, spouse, children concept. It is refreshing to hear the “AP parents” treasure and value their marriage. As Catholic’s we are call to so. It was just my observation that many of those who use the AP parenting philosophy don’t necessarily have a set priority with the husband coming before the children which is fine as long as he (or she) is valued and treasured. I am not at all suggesting that AP bunch has marital problems, as a matter of fact, from what I have just read, many marriages seem strengthen from using this practice. Common ground here…. WE LOVE OUR SPOUSES!!! Lets focuses on that and how we can lift one another up! I can cook with my baby in a sling too (do it all the time), and when my husband comes home I can’t wait for my hug!!! J . He is the light of my life!!! We are called to love, honor and cherish each other no matter what parenting style you choose. Marriage is such a beautiful gift! I just want to hear how each of us embrace this…

 

[familyof8]

I haven’t read the attachment parenting thread, so I can’t comment there.

Our priorities are God, spouse, children. That isn’t a personal opinion, that is Church teaching, so if anyone REALLY disagrees with that, I would have to wonder WHY?? Obviously, it goes without saying that God comes first. Marriage is the foundation for family. Spouses must come before children since they are what the entire family are built on.

However, I don’t see why nursing on demand or family bed contradict those. Since I haven’t read the other thread, I wonder why anyone would suggest that they are putting the spouse before the child?

We do both with our babies. Yet, I can’t understand how that means we don’t have God as our first priority and our spouse second??
I

 

[daniellet]

foreverblessed:

. This is NOT about parenting practices but rather an order of priorities. I do believe that somewhere within the Church teachings is the implicit understanding that the commitment to your spouse within the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony is to be held above all things besides God.

I am surprised the number of people in this forum who feel that either the children should come first or that God, Spouse and children should be viewed at as equally important. I am also surprised to see the large number of Catholics who subscribe to a particular parenting style in which the main tenants are: “on-demand and extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and babywearing in a sling or lots of “in-arms” time, and few or no periods of separation.” One might think that this would make it very challenging to put your spouse first, after God. However, I’m sure that the argument can be made. I am not interested in starting a debate with those committed the ideas of Attachment Parenting. I am hoping to find a common ground in the importance in lifting up one’s spouse. I would like to see how everyone lifts up their spouse and embraces this gift of Holy Matrimony, regardless of what category of parenting style you fall under.

You say you are not interested in a debate, but you do seem to imply that you cannot do AP and have a healthy marriage. I simply don’t believe a spouse and children have to compete priority wise. I do know that some spouses neglect each other, but just because you are devoting yourself to your children does not mean that you can’t devote yourself equally (but differently) to your spouse. I have a beautiful marriage and am completely devoted to my wonderful husband. He loves AP and I believe that doing AP with our children has actually brought us closer together. Furthermore, I just don’t understand how AP would cause spousal neglect. If anything, I have MORE time for my husband. My baby NEVER cries (unless he is hurt or something along those lines). If he does fuss, he is easily and quickly passified either by nursing, by being in the sling, or by being held. Basically, we live our lives, and the baby is along for the ride. Instead of being the center of attention, our baby is basically the observer, always with the family observing how mom and dad or parents and sibling interact and live on a day to day basis.

Your post does seem to imply that anyone who practices AP must end up with some sort of marriage trouble. That is just not the case. Completely opposite, in fact. This may sound counter-intuitive, but in my experience AP’d babies are easier and distract less from the daily tasks of a family.

 

[familyof8]

familyof8:

Since I haven’t read the other thread, I wonder why anyone would suggest that they are putting the spouse before the child?

Oops, I meant to correct that part and missed it. It obviously should have been switched!!

I was thinking about this before our family prayers tonight and afterwards, it dawned on me how to explain my thoughts.

We serve God by doing our daily duties to the best of our abilities. Those duties are what we are called to do by our vocation. Just as the religious are called to serve through prayer, serving others, etc., we of the married vocation are called to the duties of our job and family (while obviously not neglecting prayer!!!). Thus, by offering our labors, be it in an office job, or at home changing diapers, every task that we do in a way of service to glorify God, then that act is sanctified and made into a physical prayer.

We are also serving our spouses when we do our duty to our children. It correlates to the same understanding of serving and honoring God in our vocation. That does not mean that all the needs of children surplant the needs of the spouses, however, it does mean that meeting the physical needs of our children is serving both God and spouse. It is in this understanding that it can be seen that non-religious vocations are still honoring and serving God. If not, then only those who follow the religious vocation would be…obviously that is a distorted vision of what God intended.

When it comes to the feeding on demand, family bed, etc., I can see no correlation between those practices and putting children before our spouse. However, I can imagine it in other instances. Families who fill their schedules so full of activities…whether sports, music, drama, whatever extra-curricular activities they may be…to the point that spouses do not get to see eachother because they are constantly running this child to this and that child to that and their marital relationship is not getting the nurture and care needed. Ultimately, they are not the focus of the family relationship. And not only are the children not the focus, but the activities of the children…then there are serious priority distortions. These situations also create families that are too busy to pray together. Without family prayer, it really doesn’t matter about anything else, because already the main focus and priority in life has been subordinated.

Unless the focus of our entire day is on serving the Lord, then we have no truth and real focus in our lives. Unless we see our spouse as the foundation of our family and that which all else in our family is built around, then our children will ultimately be the ones to suffer, because it is through the grace of the sacramental unity that good parenting comes.

 

[darcee]

I don’t remember anyone saying that children or spouses should have equal importance or preference to God. More that if you were to diagram the relationship it would be a triangle with God at the top and the children and spouse as the corners.

The marriage is the foundation of the family, but a foundation is the base. It is vital and important, but so are the walls and ceiling.

When those who practice AP with its family bed and extended breast feeding speak of putting their children first they usually do so AS A COUPLE. This isn’t some competition where the spouse is left out in the cold while the mother or father devotes all their time and energy to the children. As a couple they together focus on the most important work of their marriage. As one flesh they care for their children.

You seem to be looking for a conflict where there isn’t one. A family bed doesn’t have to take away from a couple’s intimacy and love. It becomes an extension of it. Extended breast feeding doesn’t isolate a mother from the father, the husband should be supportive of his child being nourished and cared for… he in fact should expect that the mother of his children will lay aside her convenience and desires to care for their child. He should be proud of her willingness to do this and this ideally will bring the two of them closer.

IMHO a couple can best express their love and devotion for each other in the way they see well to the children God entrusts to them. I love my husband and honor him by being a devoted mother, he loves me and expects me to mother well, he honors me for being a devoted mother and I honor him for being the loving father he is.

So if a little girl runs out to great daddy when he comes home he will not push her aside to kiss his wife first. The wife will not feel slighted if the husband stops to hug a son first on his way through the door. The children will not be “trained” to step out of the way and let dad kiss mom first, such artificial rules are not really needed in a family where everyone is assured that they are loved.

-D

 

[familyof8]

darcee:

I don’t remember anyone saying that children or spouses should have equal importance or preference to God. More that if you were to diagram the relationship it would be a triangle with God at the top and the children and spouse as the corners.

Darcee,
I agreed with everything in your post about parenting, however, I do disagree with the above statement. This is contrary to Church teaching. Children and spouse are not equal. Spouse is definitely before children.

I don’t have any time to look it up in the CCC, however, it is in there. Simply put (and my words will do it no justice)…

Just as Christ is the Bridegroom and the Church the bride…the union of the 2 are what guides us and helps form our faith. They spiritually reflect what is physically present through the sacrament of marriage. Marriage is not a purely human relationship. It is also a spiritual one through the sacrament. Parenthood is not a sacrament.

Yet, as I posted previously, through our duties to our children, we are serving our spouse, just as through our vocational duties we serve God. So, serving our families in no way diminishes our spousal relationship.

If we need to identify who we are: 1-daughter/son of God, 2-husband/wife, 3-mother/father. Those are the priorities we should see ourselves as having.

 

[darcee]

I was trying to explain to foreverblessed what s/he had seen in the other thread. Not illustrate doctrinal truth.

I do not argue that marriage is the foundation of family, but openness to children is a requirement of a sacramental marriage. I think to try to place the hierarchical listing as Foreverblessed has done is not a very good reflection of that. It isn’t God then spouse then children… It is sacrifice yourself completely to God, bind yourself heart and body to your spouse and together go forward as one flesh and do the “work” of marriage which is raising Godly children.

-D

familyof8:

Darcee,
I agreed with everything in your post about parenting, however, I do disagree with the above statement. This is contrary to Church teaching. Children and spouse are not equal. Spouse is definitely before children.

I don’t have any time to look it up in the CCC, however, it is in there. Simply put (and my words will do it no justice)…

Just as Christ is the Bridegroom and the Church the bride…the union of the 2 are what guides us and helps form our faith. They spiritually reflect what is physically present through the sacrament of marriage. Marriage is not a purely human relationship. It is also a spiritual one through the sacrament. Parenthood is not a sacrament.

Yet, as I posted previously, through our duties to our children, we are serving our spouse, just as through our vocational duties we serve God. So, serving our families in no way diminishes our spousal relationship.

If we need to identify who we are: 1-daughter/son of God, 2-husband/wife, 3-mother/father. Those are the priorities we should see ourselves as having.

 

[familyof8]

darcee:

I do not argue that marriage is the foundation of family, but openness to children is a requirement of a sacramental marriage. I think to try to place the hierarchical listing as Foreverblessed has done is not a very good reflection of that. It isn’t God then spouse then children… It is sacrifice yourself completely to God, bind yourself heart and body to your spouse and together go forward as one flesh and do the “work” of marriage which is raising Godly children. -D

Actually Darcee, it is hierarchial. It is God, spouse, children as taught by the Church. However, you are basically saying that in the second half…

“It is sacrifice yourself completely to God, bind yourself heart and body to your spouse and together go forward as one flesh and do the “work” of marriage which is raising Godly children.” So I am not quite sure why you preface it by saying it is not hierarchial.

Foreverblessed is not placing the order, it follows from the order of Creation. I have no idea what has been said on the other thread, however, that is irrelevant to the fundamental question of whether or not there is a hierarchial order to our duty.

Obviously God is our first duty…Love God with your your whole heart and being.

Christian marriage is different than parenthood. It is lifted to the level of a sacrament. Christian spouses represent and physically illustrate the unity between Christ and His Church. The physical two become a unified one. It is from this sacramental unity that children are brought forth, reared, and educated. Just as we are the body, not the head, of the union between God, Church, and man, so is it that the parents are the head and the children are the body of the family. Spousal love comes first. Just as the love between Christ and the Church is primary. It is through the Church that we physically receive His love. It is through the union of spousal love that children are raised in the light of Christian values.

Loving our spouses is different than parenthood. “It is the duty of parents to create a family atmosphere inspired by love and devotion to God and their fellow men which will promote an integrated, personal and social education of their children.” (Declaration of Christian Education, 3) We are not “one” with our children. We are their teachers in all things. We raise them to ultimately have them leave. The binding of spousal love is higher. It is indelibly marked on your soul by the Holy Spirit that your spouse is one with you through the sacrament.

That is natural law, Church teaching…not something created by Foreverblessed.

 

[darcee]

Well…please show me where it says that the needs of the children are to be subjugated for the needs of the spouse in an official document of the Church. Because I have not seen it. I have seen a great deal about the parent’s sacrificing to provide a godly home for their children, but nothing about sacrificing the children for the good of the marriage.

One should carefully note WHY marriage is one of the two life vocations that are raised to sacramental level. Both priests and married couples have work that requires them to act in concert with God. A marriage is only sacramental when it is open to children because bearing and raising children is the work that God created for marriage.

Just as sex is only licit when it is open to children – marriage is only sacramental when it is open to children. The natural purpose of sex is children, the natural purpose of marriage is raising children. Couples do NOT have a sacramental marriage if they marry with no intention to be open to children. What they do for each other is work meant to provide a home for children… as you quoted above.

Since the couple is “one” they can not put the other’s needs first as those needs are their needs… there is only one of them. I could no more put my husband’s needs before my own then I could put my foot’s needs before my own. And while I am obligated to keep my body healthy for the work God has called me to we are obligated to keep our marriage healthy for the work God has called us to, but I/we must not confuse the means with the ends.

While both sexual relations and marriage can be licit even if barren they are not by nature so and are not to be made so intentionally. The unitive aspect can not be placed above the procreative. While the couple can find much joy and fulfillment in the unitive aspect of both they can not by church law or natural law place this unitive aspect first.

So if someone is to argue that extended breast feeding or a family bed situation is somehow contrary to the teaching of the church because it interferes with the spousal relationship which is to come “first” then they are missing a very important point of sacramental marriage.

If a couple believes that extended breast feeding or family bed is good for the child rearing aspect of the family and that it helps “create a family atmosphere inspired by love and devotion to God and their fellow men which will promote an integrated, personal and social education of their children” then they should be using it and not be faulted by anyone with claims like this: “(I) Cannot understand how this teaches the children boundaries. Also, (I) do not understand how this does not teach them that they come first, and mommy and daddy will drop anyting for them (even outside of the emergency situation). I believe that this is in line with permissive parenting, and dangerous (and I’m not referring to SIDs).”

-D

 

[familyof8]

Darcee,

I would like to inquire if you read entire posts before responding.

Where the comments such as, " I have seen a great deal about the parent’s sacrificing to provide a godly home for their children, but nothing about sacrificing the children for the good of the marriage," come from is beyond me. No one is saying that the needs of children are subservient to the needs of the spouse. Children are dependent and therefore need to be cared for.

Why you involve the issue of openness to life, procreation, and unity in marital relations…again it is beyond me.

If you had read my second post, I clearly state that extended breast-feeding and family bed, etc. in no way are putting love of children before love of spouse.

I have shown you the beliefs behind God, spouse, marriage. You have yet to address the fact that I have. If you need to read it, try reading Ephesians 5 and 6. Husband and wife are to love eachother as one, like self. Just as Christ does the Church. (Which I have explained in previous posts.) Children are to be cared for and educated. (not the same as loving as one.)

Try reading Familiaris Consortio where John Paul 2 describes spouses as the “permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the cross…Their belonging to each other is the real representation, by means of the sacramental sign, of the very relationship of Christ with the Church.” Again, spouses are united in a mystical way equal to Christ the bridegroom and Church the bride. Children are like the “body” of the Church, the “head” has higher order. Spousal love has higher order over parental love.

What you fail to understand is that loving your spouse ahead of your children in NO way interfers with your loving and meeting the needs of your children. The second is fulfilled more deeply and spiritually by the first. Just as loving God before all esle makes loving your spouse and children even more powerful.

As I stated earlier. we show our love to God by serving Him and doing our daily duties to the best of our abilities and offering it to Him in our love for Him. The same is true for loving our spouse. We show love of our spouse by meeting the needs of our children in love and offering our love of our children to our love of him.

Not by ignoring our children and only acknowledging the needs of our spouse. That is a distorted vision. It would be the equivalent of saying there is no way to serve God other than religious life and that all others are displeasing to God since they aren’t focused solely on Him.

God, spouse, children. Those are the priorities of the devotion and love. Each one only increases the love for the one below. Without the one above, the other is only a shadow of what it could be.

 

[darcee]

No one is saying that the needs of children are subservient to the needs of the spouse

THere have been several people put forth opions while not in those words very close to that,.

I think it would be helpful for you to read the other thread.
Because you and I are simply talking past each other here.

You are addressing the idea that a couple must love each other first, which I am not arguing with. I am addressing issues also raised in the other thread. Where much to do was made about the children’s needs come AFTER the spouses needs.

The spouse is an adult who should be working in partnership to raise the children. Standing beside each other, not between the other spouse and the children. Helping to meet the needs of the children not selfishly demanding that their needs be met first.

I would invite you to re-read the very documents you refer me to and see that the Godly reason for spousal love lies in the creation and rearing of children. That is natural law, which is why I addressed it above.

The idea that the marriage is a foundation for parenthood should (IMHO) be the point – not that marriage should come first and the responsibilities of parenthood rest below those of spouse. They are to intimately connected to be separated into a hierarchical structure. To fault a family’s practices as being too child centered is not constructive or doctrinally based. Not that you did this, but others have.

-D

 

[IMAbeliever]

Well, a few thoughts on this subject.

First, I don’t recall who said it, but the quote goes- “the greatest gift a father can give his child is to love their mother”. It is one I try to remember when I may be irritated at my wife over something minor.

Another point I read somewhere (sorry, I can’t recall where- maybe Dr. Ray??)-

The suggestions was to carve 15 minutes a day (typically after work) for husband and wife to sit and talk over their day- the rule is NO interruptions from the kids. It is to show the children that they are not the center of the universe and that Mom and Dad deserve a few minutes out of the day just for themselves. I have to admit that we only lasted a few days on this one. It is tough to make the time. The point was also made that this will help with discipline as the children begin to realize they are not the only ones in the family. I really liked the idea- wished we had made a better “go of it”. Maybe we’ll try again.

 

[The_Rigbys]

darcee:

You are addressing the idea that a couple must love each other first, which I am not arguing with. I am addressing issues also raised in the other thread. Where much to do was made about the children’s needs come AFTER the spouses needs.

As I mentioned in the other thread: I doubt that God would ever ask us to sacrifice our children’s needs for our spouse’s needs (or vice versa). He promises to provide enough resources to meet all our needs. Wants are a different story, though.

So, how do we decide what’s a “want,” and what’s a “need”? This is hard for all of us, and can be even harder when children are involved.

One of the basic tenets of AP is the idea that “babies have no wants, only needs”. There’s no clear agreement in the AP community on how long this stage lasts, but I’ve usually been told that it ends some time in toddlerhood. (On the extreme end, some people claim that it continues until the age of reason, i.e., age 6 or 7.)

Other parents disagree. They think that babies sometimes want things that aren’t good for them, such as staying up past their bedtime, or eating things that might make them sick. (Like the dead spider that my baby girl found under the couch yesterday. )

The “wants vs. needs” issue is hard to debate, and I’d rather not go there. I think it’s relevant to the God/spouse/children issue, though. Here’s why:

If both parents agree that their child’s desire for “X” represents a true need, then I think they should strive to meet it, no matter how much it inconveniences them.

If both parents agree that their child’s desire represents a preference, rather than a need, then they’re free to do whatever seems prudent under the circumstances.

If the spouses disagree as to whether or not it’s a need, and the “disbelieving” spouse thinks that meeting the supposed need would put a strain on the marital relationship, then I think that spouse’s preferences should come first.

God bless,
Mrs. R

 

[familyof8]

First, I do think we have talked past each other on several points. However, there are few that I think we do disagree on.

“The idea that the marriage is a foundation for parenthood should (IMHO) be the point – not that marriage should come first and the responsibilities of parenthood rest below those of spouse. They are to intimately connected to be separated into a hierarchical structure.”

I both agree and disagree with your above quote. Marriage is obviously the foundation for responsible parenthood. Later you stated…“the Godly reason for spousal love lies in the creation and rearing of children.” That is only part of the answer. That is why I then disagree with the second half of your statement…“not that marriage should come first and the responsibilities of parenthood rest below those of spouse. They are to intimately connected to be separated into a hierarchical structure.”

The CCC states in 1605: "Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: “It is not good that the man should be alone.” The woman, “flesh of his flesh,” his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a “helpmate”; she thus represents God from whom comes our help. “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been “in the beginning”: “So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”

While openness to fertility is an essential part of marriage, it is not the only one. It is also about spousal support, the completing of the other, the sacramental unity, the loving as oneself. It is from all of these that family love is created.

1603 “The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws. . . . God himself is the author of marriage.” The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator. Marriage is not a purely human institution… (it has) permanent characteristics. Although the dignity of this institution is not transparent everywhere with the same clarity, some sense of the greatness of the matrimonial union exists in all cultures. “The well-being of the individual person and of both human and Christian society is closely bound up with the healthy state of conjugal and family life.”

So, I agree with your premise that marriage must be open to life, that marriage is the foundation for parenthood, but I disagree with “They are to intimately connected to be separated into a hierarchical structure.” Spouse still comes first since they are not just humanly connected, but spiritually.

Again, however, I 100% agree with the belief that spousal love does not mean adult spouse comes first and children’s needs come second. Parenting styles are not the issue. (Atleast for me and this thread…I won’t read the other because psycho-babble nauseates me. My degree is in psycho-babble and education and I have spent a good part of my parenting life trying to great rid of both!!) My disagreement is about the core belief in hierarchy of priorities. I agree that it is not spouse standing between spouse and children…that analogy works. However, your delineating that there is no differentiation between the hierarchy of spouses and children is the equivalent to saying you can’t put God first because life is too busy with needs/work for your family. Therefore God is equal to my familial obligations. Serving God MUST come first. Serving our spouse MUST come second. You and I agree with the fact that it is achieved through our caring for our children. However, I still profess that it MUST be separated into hierarchial levels.

 

[jess7396]

I’m back- sorry Foreverblessed if I veered your thread off-course. It did seem to me that your mention of your suprise of AP Catholic parents existing, and your thread title, that you were looking to debate this heirarchy (sp?) again.

My head is a bit tired with a cold today, and frankly, I am never much for the philosophical end of things, I am more of a practical kind of girl–can someone (ie- foreverblessed) give me an idea of how this hierarchy plays out that would be damaging to marriage? Like- if I say my husband and my kids are on level playing field with my priorities, where will I go wrong (presumably)? I need concrete examples of this kind of thing. Where/how/when would this kind of thing occur?

Or, foreverblessed, could you rephrase your question here to what you really wanted to discuss, which I think you said in your second post was about how we honor our spouses? (the writing is so small to read, but I read it in my e-mail confirmation).

I agree with the Rigby’s that AP, or any parenting style for that matter can foster a healthy marriage when agreed upon by both spouses. If my dh wanted me to wean my 6 months old so that my hormones would normalize and I’d be more “in the mood”, or if he wanted to make the baby cry himself to sleep, b/c he didn’t like the baby in our bed, things WOULD be bad around here. Luckily- dh and I are on the same page with our parenting, and neither of us feel jealous of the time/attention that the children get from the other- to be honest- seeing my dh wrestle with the kids, or cuddle the baby to sleep- that meets my needs very well .