Parents Allowing Drunkenness

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Mary67

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Growing up my parents had no problem with my brother getting drunk in the house. It would happen somewhat regularly and if I brought up my concerns I was scolded for being too judgmental. (I also had concerns about his behavior towards me as he could get viscerally angry over small things and he once threw food in my face as an adult.) I’ve since moved out but was I wrong to bring up my concerns? My parents have been extremely protective of him and have scolded me every time I have told them he hurt me or made me uncomfortable. But, sometimes I second guess myself and believe them for saying I just needed to get over it.
 
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There can be many reasons for his behavior but from what you have said I would guess your parents have favorites.

How many brothers/sisters and approximate ages, do you have?
 
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I rather not say how many siblings I have for privacy sake. But, we are all young adults.
 
It would be helpful to know the age of the youngest one they are allowing to drink in their home.
 
It is legal. So it wasn’t breaking laws, but he would down and entire six pack or more in one sitting. This caused him to be disruptive in the house and act out in strange ways. He got very drunk during these sessions with my parents in the house in the other room fully aware of the situation. It would scare me a bit when I would realize what happened. And his rage issues outside of his drinking session have always been excused by my parents. Sometimes my parents would rage at me if I brought the issue up.
 
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Your parents did not parent your brother well if they knowingly allowed him to drink like that while underage, but they should not allow it even at a legal age if he is disruptive.

Please, do not think that you should have just “gotten over it” or that you were somehow thinking incorrectly. What your parents allowed was and is, irresponsible.

If you do not live at home anymore, be grateful. If you visit, and your brother is acting up, just leave. No point in continuing that conversation. It will fall on deaf ears.
 
Parents make mistakes. Forgive them. learn from those mistakes.
 
Your parents enabled bad behavior. It was not your fault, and they should have protected you from it by insisting a decent behavior in their home.
 
Many times it’s the youngest that gets away with everything.
The dysfunction could have been caused by parents playing favorites.

Maybe “The Birth Order Book” by Kevin Leman might help you?
 
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Irishmom2 said:
If you do not live at home anymore, be grateful. If you visit, and your brother is acting up, just leave. No point in continuing that conversation. It will fall on deaf ears.
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This. You might also consider seeing a therapist to work through any issues this may have caused. Therapists can also give you ideas about how to deal with your parents in future settings when conversations arise around how these things were handled.
 
If he was younger I would be able to cope better. But he is older and stronger than me. Basically he has more power in the family than me because my parents always have his back even when he is doing bad behavior in the house. I’ve had to limit my contact with them over this. And the fact he can get physical when mad scared me. He has verbally attacked me and/or cursed me out on multiple occasions for calling him out on his behavior but my parents still act like he is the victim.
 
Your parents may be scared of him. You/others reducing contact may be just what he wants.

Lately, bullying caused by mental illness has been a hot topic, but there can be other reasons for it, such as money, inheritance, power, shelter etc.

The latter is impossible to overcome without an event.

Tell him your not going to be intimidated by him anymore. Do not elaborate on it!
Most likely he will fly into one of his abusive rages…, call the police.

If addiction/mental illness he will retreat and possibly ask for help.
If other, he will shrink into a corner and not know what to do. (Like a bowl of Jello.)

The manipulative abuser never works well in the light of day.

PS, Remember, do not tell him what you are doing!
 
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Retsel said:
Tell him your not going to be intimidated by him anymore. Do not elaborate on it!
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I don’t think the OP needs to say anything like this to her brother. He is to be avoided since he has attacked her verbally and shown he can get physical when he feels provoked. Best to just limit contact and leave it at that.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I don’t think the OP needs to say anything like this to her brother. He is to be avoided since he has attacked her verbally and shown he can get physical when he feels provoked. Best to just limit contact and leave it at that.
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100% agree. He scares me.
Retsel said:
Your parents may be scared of him.
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But also, this is not true. My parents are in his corner and often pit him against me. So, it has been difficult understanding if I’m in the right or wrong. At least there seems to be a consensus here that his behavior is not normal. So, thank you all for validating my concerns. I guess from here, I just need prayers because it is a difficult situation.
 
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If it’s not fear of him, and they’re truly in his corner, then yes, it’s pretty hopeless.

I would prepare for a time when there’s nothing left but mean strangers.
 
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