Parents aren't married in the Church?

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Wulfgar

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I don’t think my parents are married in the Church. My mom’s Catholic, my dad’s not (he claims to be Christian, but he’s not baptized), and they had a Justice of the Peace preside over their wedding. I don’t know if they had a bishop’s dispensation to do so. I didn’t know about all the marriage rules until listening to EWTN, then I flipped out and told my mom she couldn’t receive communion because of her situation. She just got angry. I’ve told her once after that during Mass, but she got really angry again. She never told me anything about a dispensation so I highly doubt there was one to begin with.

I don’t really know what to do. Do I just randomly walk up to them and pester them with a bunch of detailed questions about the nature of their wedding ceremony and whether they got a dispensation? For some reason, that doesn’t seem right. I am absolutely terrible at dealing with these sorts of situations. Please help.

And I doubt this matters, but my parents both agreed to raise their children Catholic. Just throwing that out there.

Much thanks and blessings.
 
You do not have the authority to tell your mother not to receive Communion; she may have a dispensation and has chosen not to reveal that information to you, but if she has one or not is none of your concern. DO NOT PESTER your parents about this matter; instead, be grateful to them that raised their children Catholic, follow the 4th commandment and pray for them.
 
Agreed with previous poster. Honestly this is none of your business. Pray for your parents because they are your parents and thats what family does is pray for each other. You are responsible for your own actions. You have been given a foundation in the Catholic Church, it is wonderful you are moved and called to deepen your faith…YOUR faith. Navigating your life choices as a Christian will keep you busy enough without pestering your mom about details of her marriage.
 
Well, you’re in a difficult position. First off, you should thank God that your mother is raising you Catholic. Be also thankful that she is attending Mass! I would doubt that she got a dispensation to be married by a Justice of the Peace. Sometimes dispensations are given for Catholics who are marrying baptized Christians of another denomination to be married in a Protestant Church. But the couple would still have to go through Catholic marriage preparation, and the Catholic party still has to promise to raise the children Catholic. Has either of your parents been married before? If not, then that is another thing to be thankful for. Neither is committing adultery. What should you do? Well, pray for them of course! Pray for your mother to have the grace to realize she needs to be married properly in the church. Outside of that, I think you should remember that you are not responsible for your parents’ decisions. Only God knows their hearts and whether or not your mother knew at the time she was doing something wrong. She still may not know she’s done anything wrong, outside of what you’ve told her. But the fact that she got angry at you may mean you’ve hit a nerve with her. Just pray. And be the best Catholic Christian you can be. Show them by example, and perhaps in time this situation will be worked out. Meanwhile, don’t worry–give it to God.
 
This is tough. It could be that your mother is committing sacrilege by taking communion. That is a very serious sin and you asking her not to do that is a work of mercy - you are concerned about her soul, as well as showing great respect to the Blessed Sacrament. The problem is that you don’t know what the situation is for sure. She got angry rather than assured you that she was allowed to take Communion. This suggests that there could be a problem.

So… may I suggest you talk to a priest? If he decides that the situation needs some further clarification, based on what you tell him, he could ask your mother directly what the deal is. And if she is indeed in an invalid marriage and taking Communion he could help her sort it out. If he decides there is no problem, then you have done your duty and can leave it.

I don’t think this is a situation of a child meddling with parent’s affairs who should just shut up and let things be. This is the Eucharist we are talking about. Surely this requires a bit of concern and effort to make sure things are right.
 
You are right to be concerned and God bless you for bringing it up with your mother. Her response, though, has been given. This is her cross to deal with. Now that you have broached the subject more than once, continuing to bring it up is of no additional value. My suggestion is that you find out who the marriage advocate it in your parish and let your mom know that she could speak with this person about full reconciliation with the church. There IS hope for her to get this set right and be in full communion with the church (depending on circumstances). The fact that she goes to mass and receives the Eucharist speaks of her love of Christ, however misguided she may be. Be a cheerleader, not a naysayer! And pray for your parents.👍
 
Perhaps once the OP has backed off the issue and discussed it with a priest it could be reopened in the context of renewing vows, an anniversary celebration, something like that, where having the marriage sacramentalized becomes part of a positive celebration of their marriage.

My question would be, can a sacramental marriage exist if the husband has never been baptized? To whom did they promise to raise the children Catholic?

These are rhetorical questions, the son should not be asking them since he has received such a negative response, but I think he is right to want to encourage them somehow to correct the situation. We were married civilly due to being poor students, but we married in the church a few years later. There are many reasons why his parents may have gone the route they did, but it is easily corrected.
 
Wulfgar said:
I don’t think my parents are married in the Church. My mom’s Catholic, my dad’s not (he claims to be Christian, but he’s not baptized), and they had a Justice of the Peace preside over their wedding. I don’t know if they had a bishop’s dispensation to do so. I didn’t know about all the marriage rules until listening to EWTN, then I flipped out and told my mom she couldn’t receive communion because of her situation. She just got angry. I’ve told her once after that during Mass, but she got really angry again. She never told me anything about a dispensation so I highly doubt there was one to begin with.

I don’t really know what to do. Do I just randomly walk up to them and pester them with a bunch of detailed questions about the nature of their wedding ceremony and whether they got a dispensation? For some reason, that doesn’t seem right. I am absolutely terrible at dealing with these sorts of situations. Please help.

And I doubt this matters, but my parents both agreed to raise their children Catholic. Just throwing that out there.

Much thanks and blessings.
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Storm Heaven with your prayers! You got the answer to your questions from your mother’s reaction to your questions, you need no other answer! Pray, pray, pray! Thank God for your own faith. It does matter that your parents agreed (to each other I presume) to raise their children as Catholics.

I went to church and received communion for 10 years before my husband and I got married in the Church. I honestly did not realize that I was committing sacrilege by doing this. I don’t know if your parents knew that their civil marriage is not considered valid by the Church. Now they do, but your mother is on the defensive as you have seen.

There is little you can do but pray. And that is the most powerful action you can take.
 
Thank you for your responses. It did occur to me that a renewal of wedding vows on their anniversary would be a great idea. I’m just always unsure as to where my obligations lie.
 
Wulfgar said:
Thank you for your responses. It did occur to me that a renewal of wedding vows on their anniversary would be a great idea. I’m just always unsure as to where my obligations lie.
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Your obligation is to pray for them, but if you have a question, you can ask your priest. If they have never been married in the Church then they cannot “renew” their vows. They have to actually BE married in the Church and that takes meeting with the priest and doing some other things. Please don’t continue to badger your parents about their marriage. It’s not going to help them get married.
 
I knew a priest who was on what figured to be his last parish assignment before retirement, and his goal was to get all of the marriages blessed in his parish before he retired–that is, to get all the marriages originally done outside the Church finally done inside the Church. IOW, there is nothing he would have like better than to help your parents file their paperwork, get their dispensation for disparity of cult (which would be easy, considering that your father is absolutely not keeping the family from the faith), and witness their vows in the Church.

You have not helped the situation by flipping out, but you’re young. Do not beat yourself up about it; it is water under the bridge. You should apologize to your parents for that, though. It was inappropriate. You have to be patient, OK? I mean it could mean years and years patient. Buckle down and resolve to be serene in the long run about this–it was not put under your control, so resist any thoughts or actions that imply this is under your control.

Your parents are apparently living according to the vows they would have made if they had gotten a dispensation and married in the Church. Perhaps you might point out that they deserve to have their names in the Church records for their children and grandchildren to find as duly married in the Church, because that is the life they have lived. Before doing that, though, ask your pastor what might be done about the situation. With his help, maybe you can get your parents to consider getting this done eventually.
 
Hypothetically, what if it isn’t easily corrected? What if there are pieces to this puzzle the OP doesn’t know. How much strain would that cause his family and his relationship with his mother if he brought this to a priest and put his parents in an emotionally and financially expensive situation then what? I’m not saying the OP is wrong to be concerned, and yes the OP’s heart is the right place but none of us know what the situation is. To tell this person to go to the Priest so it can easily corrected may not be true. At the end of the day it may be the correct course of action but the OP needs to go into that knowing it may not be and there may be fall out. Best of luck and my prayers are with you and your family.
 
Miss_Felicity said:
Hypothetically, what if it isn’t easily corrected? What if there are pieces to this puzzle the OP doesn’t know. How much strain would that cause his family and his relationship with his mother if he brought this to a priest and put his parents in an emotionally and financially expensive situation then what? I’m not saying the OP is wrong to be concerned, and yes the OP’s heart is the right place but none of us know what the situation is. To tell this person to go to the Priest so it can easily corrected may not be true. At the end of the day it may be the correct course of action but the OP needs to go into that knowing it may not be and there may be fall out. Best of luck and my prayers are with you and your family.
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I did not mean that the correction must automatically be easy. I mean that getting a dispensation for disparity of cult at this point should not be difficult. The OPs father is obviously not throwing any roadblocks to the practice of the faith. If there is an issue, it is not likely to be in getting that dispensation if it is asked for, but in convincing those who need to ask to ask for it.

As for an emotionally and financially expensive situation, do you mean that one of his parents was previously married or otherwise not free to marry, and his parents haven’t told him? I’m not saying it is impossible, but I don’t know how this could get expensive unless the couple needed to ask for a decree or decrees of nullity. That would easily account for the mother’s angry response…that is, because her son is opening up a can of worms that she does not want opened, because addressing the problem is thought to be difficult or impossible.

As for bringing in a priest, a pastor is not going to plunge into a marital issue at the bidding of someone not a party to the marriage. Even if is an insurmountable difficulty, however, most pastors will be very helpful to this young man in getting him to calm down and refraining from making matters worse. He may not like what his pastor has to tell him, but he’ll be able to get the most discrete, restrained, and situation-specific guidance by going that route.
 
EasterJoy said:
I did not mean that the correction must automatically be easy. I mean that getting a dispensation for disparity of cult at this point should not be difficult. The OPs father is obviously not throwing any roadblocks to the practice of the faith. If there is an issue, it is not likely to be in getting that dispensation if it is asked for, but in convincing those who need to ask to ask for it.

As for an emotionally and financially expensive situation, do you mean that one of his parents was previously married or otherwise not free to marry, and his parents haven’t told him? I’m not saying it is impossible, but I don’t know how this could get expensive unless the couple needed to ask for a decree or decrees of nullity. That would easily account for the mother’s angry response…that is, because her son is opening up a can of worms that she does not want opened, because addressing the problem is thought to be difficult or impossible.

As for bringing in a priest, a pastor is not going to plunge into a marital issue at the bidding of someone not a party to the marriage. Even if is an insurmountable difficulty, however, most pastors will be very helpful to this young man in getting him to calm down and refraining from making matters worse. He may not like what his pastor has to tell him, but he’ll be able to get the most discrete, restrained, and situation-specific guidance by going that route.
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Agreed, and my apologies if my post sounded harsh, I know I can sometimes read that way. While it is not likely it is possible based on the mothers reaction that one or both of them are/were not free to marry for whatever reason. I hope I am incorrect but in not knowing the whys and hows of their marriage not being sacramental and clearly the mother is not open to discuss the topic at least right now says there is something going on here.

An already delicate situation can be made worse by the child interferring. My first thought was to not knowing what size Parish they attend. In a small Parish if something like this got out or if The Priest therefore refused Mom communion it could be embarrassing and uncomfortable. While we are not supposed to put very much stock in what people think of us small towns and communities operate by a different code. Thats just one example of any number of things that could happen. Either way my prayers are with the family.
 
I am certainly grateful that you all are concerned and offering up good advice, but I should warn you not to speculate too much, as that is where this conversation seems to be headed. It’s definitely good of you to think through these things hard, but with anything, sometimes it’s best not to think too much. Yes, and that goes for myself as well. Perhaps I should seek advice from my priest and see where things go from there.
 
Wulfgar said:
I am certainly grateful that you all are concerned and offering up good advice, but I should warn you not to speculate too much, as that is where this conversation seems to be headed. It’s definitely good of you to think through these things hard, but with anything, sometimes it’s best not to think too much. Yes, and that goes for myself as well. Perhaps I should seek advice from my priest and see where things go from there.
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I think that is exactly what you ought to do. 👍
 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

God’s Spirit is in my heart,
He has called me and set me apart.
This is what I have to do,
what I have to do.

He sent me to give the Good News to the poor,
Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more,
Tell blind people that they can see,
And set the downtrodden free
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come,
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come.

Just as the Father sent me,
So I’m sending you out to be
My witnesses throughout the world,
The whole of the world.

Don’t worry what you have to say,
Don’t worry because on that day
God’s Spirit will speak in your heart,
Will speak in your heart.
 
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