Parent's birthday

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DonQuichote1235

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Hi all,

I was wondering if you think that you should visit your parents when it’s their birthday? My parents do not live near to me, but do you think I still need to come over when it’s their birthday? These are not official parties, but just a regular sit down with some cake…Just in general: do you think you need to come to their birthday every year when you are able to (but no want to because of other reasons)? Would it this be disrespect towards your parents? Thanks!

Gr. DonQuichote
 
There will come a time when your parents are dead. You will then think about the missed birthdays, holidays, etc. If it is feasible, try to see your folks as often as you can.
 
You should visit them. Especially on birthdays. There is something troubling in your question with the word “need” Do you need to? No probably not. Should you? yes. Should you want to? That depends. It sounds like there is more to the relationship than you have shared.
 
Yes there is more to it. I have talked about this before in previous topics. My mother thinks I should come to her birthday. If not, she will be angry at me and I think I’m a bad person. She thinks a child ‘must’/ ‘should’ come to the parent’s birthday otherwise it would be a great offence and scandalous. For example I cannot plan a holiday in the period that she has her birthday. She thinks I should pick other dates then (I can do that, but still…).
 
In general I think it’s nice to spend birthdays with parents, as long as you’re able and they live close enough. I do try to bring a cake and take the kids over to my parents on their birthdays, and usually also get them a gift. My parents made my birthdays special when I was growing up (and now try to make my kids’ birthdays special too) and so I try to do the same for them.

But- it sounds like your mother is trying to manipulate you. It’s nice to spend birthdays together if you have a good relationship, and if you have the time (for instance if you’re working, and you can’t, that’s another story) but in your case it sounds like it might be better to pull back a little. If it’s a hardship for you to get there, or if she is a toxic person to deal with, then I’d say no- it is not disrespectful to skip out on a parent’s birthday.
 
Visit for your parents birthday if you are able. I wish mine were still alive to do so.

You don’t say how far away they are, and you do say that you don’t want to visit for other reasons.
It sounds like the latter may be the real thing holding you back.
 
I do not think I have been to visit either of my parents on their birthday for maybe 30 years. I do call them on their birthday. But I don’t make the 7 hour drive for one.
 
I live two hours from them. My father doesn’t care about it, but my mother does. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Generally I see them once a month or every six weeks. I just don’t want to come more often because of travel and I can’t do much with my weekend…furthermore the birthdays are just the same like the regular meetings except for the cake. It is not really a big deal but my mother also wants me with her that weekend.

Another example that happend two years ago: i was planning to book my holiday in june when my mother asked me if I could come to see her performing at the theater. She asked me this in March.

I told her I was planning my vacation in that period so I couldnt come. She became angry and said that I could easily change the timing of my vacation (which was true). Also she said that this was the big performance after a year of rehearsing (i didnt know that) and all the other persons’ children would be there. So I couldn’t shame her that her eldest son wasn’t there while all the other children were present.

I felt really pressed, guilty and selfish. I agreed to come and change my vacation dates. A week later we got into a fight about something different and we didnt see eachother for 1,5 years.

I sometimes really dont know what is right or wrong (definately concerning her). If I do what I want then I know she will detest me and we will have a fight or I just comply and everything is fine except my feelings. Im constantly struggling with “maybe she does have a point and Im being selfish” but on other hand it doesn’t feel good at all.

I sometimes even have (quasi) suicidal thoughts because in some cases I really dont know what to do and Im getting extremely anxious. I have professional help for this and my priest knows about this (I think he is getting tired of all my questions concerning her). He told me to back off but Im still feeling guilty and in extreme doubt about what is right or wrong. It seems like I lost my moral compass. Also Im being very sensitive to people thinking that I am a bad person…

Sorry the long reply but this summarizes a great portion of it I think. Thanks!
 
So, here is what I would do. I would make sure to make the 2 hour trip for her birthday every year so she has nothing to say. Same for seeing her for Christmas at some point. The rest of the year, keep it loose and non commital so you can change your visits as needed by both of you.
 
DonQuichote1235 said:
I sometimes even have (quasi) suicidal thoughts because in some cases I really dont know what to do and Im getting extremely anxious. I have professional help for this and my priest knows about this (I think he is getting tired of all my questions concerning her).
Click to expand...
Sick with the therapy.
 
Yeah, you need to visit your mother for her birthday! However, it isn’t necessarily important that the visit occur on the day itself. It could be the day before, or the weekend after or whatever is more convenient for you. It probably wasn’t very convenient for her to drop a couple hundred for you and your friends to throw pizza and cake at each other at the skating rink (or however you celebrated your birthday) but that’s what you wanted and when you love someone, you celebrate their special days the way they like.
 
People can’t always change their vacation plans, but if you can, why wouldn’t you go to see her performance? I mean if you had booked a cruise or bought airline tickets already, that would be one thing, but if it isn’t a big deal and won’t cost you large amounts in fees, why not? With three months notice, I would be a little annoyed too. It doesn’t sound like she asks you to come to several of these a year or anything. I probably wouldn’t say anything or start an argument, but yeah, I wouldn’t think too highly of you. If you were a friend or more distant family member, I would just come to the conclusion that you weren’t interested in having a relationship with me beyond nodding hello at family gatherings. I would be a little hurt over it, but not emotionally devastated. When it’s someone that you’ve spent decades of your life caring for and worrying about and they can’t even get off their tail to see you on your birthday…that’s a lot harder. I mean, you may think her birthday is boring and the same as any other day, but she doesn’t feel that way. Go on her birthday and then beg off on some other day if you have to. Normally, I’m one of the first to encourage people with manipulative parents to not feel obligated to bend to their every whim, but in this case, it really does sound like you are just selfish and don’t think your mom is cool enough to sit at your lunch table. Maybe there’s more to the situation that you aren’t sharing that makes seeing her more of a hardship, but a one-time-concert and a birthday dinner once a year seems like minimal attention for a parent that only lives two hours away.
 
You have read above that this is not a normal relationship. Otherwise youre right. But to come to the conclusion that I just dont think my mother is “cool enough” …i mean come on…!

Thanks for the replies everyone…!
 
Depends.

I do not get along with my mother. It’s never pleasant, there are always fights and arguments, so I don’t go. She also lives 1100 miles away. We seem to get along with sporadic phone calls.

If you get along with your parents and you can get there, even if it’s a bit of a sacrifice, I’d say, go, however.

I’m so very glad I got to give my dad one last big hug and an “I love you” since he died some months later.

Have you ever read up on what the commandment “Honor Your Father and Mother” entails? That might be helpful.

My two cents…
 
You should certainly visit if not a major difficulty and at least call.
 
At different points in my life, I’ve lived close to my parents and some distance from them. For birthdays I always sent a card and/or called on their birthday. When we moved my mom closer to us a few years ago we started having parties on the weekend closest to her actual birthday. She loved the attention! I will miss that this summer as we celebrate the first year without her.

I would make a point of either calling/sending a card if you are not close enough to go see them (within a day’s trip would be my rule), or try to visit sometime close to the date.
 
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