Parents on deciding for their children's courses

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em1708

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i’d like to share my experience about parents deciding for their children’s career.

I am currently taking up nursing, though it was never in the list of my choices. My parents pushed me to take this course(well not really pushed, they just didn’t have a choice). At first, i hard a hard time dealing with the thought that i have to struggle to pass this course for almost five years. You know how hard it is to work for something you don’t love and worse, i have to maintain grades or else i’d stop studying. My brother had the same experience as mine and i’m afraid i’d turn out like him. He also took nursing (pushed by my parents also since nursing was in demand during his time)though he insists taking up computer science. Since he entered college, he became rebellious and hardly talked to my parents specially my father. Until now, they both feel bad about each other. My father had to retire from the military to support his studies but he got frustrated because he does not see him studying or even giving a little effort. Since everything was spent for my brother’s studies, nothing was left for me. I had to take exams for scholarship and grab the opportunity at the nearest school so we won’t be spending much for my transportation allowance.

i too, felt bad when they told me to take up nursing. It seems that they didn’t give me importance, they did not prepare anything for me. I had no choice but follow. they chose nursing so i could use my brother’s old books instead of buying new ones. I felt bitterness. There were times when i’d wake up and realize that there are tears running down my face because i don’t like what i’m doing. Months passed and my whole life changed. I started being quiet (i used to be one of the most friendly girl in class) and a loner. My days started and ended with tears. But everything went back to normal when i started reading again my bible and inspirational books. I also attended mass everyday. i spent my “crying times” with God and later realized how blessed i am for studying while other people of my age are on the streets begging for alms. Thanks to God! I know that things happen for a reason and God have plans for me.

Now, I do not have much problem with my parents. In fact, i couldn’t stand the thought of having them away even for a week.They gave us everything they could give. But i’m not saying that deciding for your children is good. Respect their opinions and decisions because it will create big impact on their lives. They need your love and understanding…👍
 
You have the option to stop taking financial support from your parents, pay for school yourself and study whatever you want!
 
Em, you are a lovely person, and you are maturing and growing wonderfully. I will pray for your brother.

My youngest son chose to study physics and chemistry, not because his father forced him to but because he felt impelled to choose these subjects as pleasing to his father. What he actually wanted to do was woodwork and workshop subjects. As he approached his final secondary exams he knew he couldn’t follow through. He begged his father to allow him to leave school rather than take the exams. His father said, it’s only a few months, continue.

Within a week I went into his room to find that he’d disappeared and left home during the night in his little car. We found out where he’d gone…and I wasn’t stupid, no tears or begging. I phoned and said, “well you’ll need some new underpants then.” His father didn’t order him back to college. He was too hurt therefore said nothing on the matter at all, and within two weeks our son was back home. He drifted through a few jobs, mostly manager of retail stores. Then knowing he was unsatisfied a builder friend set him some carpentry tasks, and viewing his work, said, “T…, I’ve been waiting all my life for someone like you to come along.” He took my son on as an apprentice, who aced all his years at the technical insitirution, and in his final year, topped his State.

My son found his way around to the work that gives him satisfaction…but he may never have had the opportunity had his talent not been recognised and had he not been given the opportunity to become the craftsman he is. The pressure he felt to choose subjects that were unsuited to him was based on a filial perception of his Dad’s expectations rather than external pressure.

I hope and pray that your brother will somehow find his way to a satisfactory future. I pray that yours will be happy and fulfilled and that you will be a blessing to many.

God bless you,
Trishie
 
My husband’s course of study was determined for him by his parents (business). He has hated it his whole life.

I tell my boys to follow their hearts…choose a career that you will love and will provide enough money to pay the bills (ie. that probably eliminate philosophy and history as majors, unless they want to teach). I have caught my DH telling my sons they “should” go into this or that field, but they are all things my kids really dislike or have no interest in.

My son took an engineering class in high school and did really well. His teacher, who we see at church, frequently commented to us how naturally these engineering concepts and things seemed to come for him and how he should be considering all these colleges that have well respected engineering programs. BUT…DS hates engineering. Yes, he is good at it, but hates it. So even though he could make (potentially) a lot of money, should he be miserable doing it his whole life?

Choose what you will enjoy doing and what can support you.👍
 
kage_ar said:
You have the option to stop taking financial support from your parents, pay for school yourself and study whatever you want!
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👍 Yep. What she said.
Aside from that, I think there’s some middle ground.
I look at education at any level as both an investment and a foundation.
I want my children to go to college, but I also want them to see financial benefit for their degree.
So no, I will not be okay with them doing just anything. And I sure won’t foot the bill for many things.
But neither will I tell them they have to be a nurse or whatever either.
There’s lots of careers that they can both find satisfaction and some level of financial stability in. I will encouarge them to seek BOTH those.
 
My daughter went to a private college out east. We were paying an arm and a leg for her tuition.

Then came the phone call:

Mom, I want to change my major to history.

Okay, are you going to get a teaching degree with that?

Um, no. I don’t want to teach, I just like history.

What kind of job do you hope to get with just a history degree?

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll apply to law school.

Uh, sorry, that isn’t going to happen on our dime. You need to have a paying job when you graduate. And you get only 4 yrs. to make this happen.

There was crying and gnashing of the teeth, but in the end she went into accounting. She ended up being president of the accounting group on campus and she got a good paying job when she graduated. She also went on and got her masters in accounting. And now can pay for her own history classes if she desires…
 
newf said:
Uh, sorry, that isn’t going to happen on our dime. You need to have a paying job when you graduate. And you get only 4 yrs. to make this happen.
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What I like about this is that you set certain limits while still allowing her to make a choice within those parameters.
 
newf said:
You need to have a paying job when you graduate. And you get only 4 yrs. to make this happen.
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I agree with this. When our daughter gets to college I’m not going to limit her choices of majors–but she will know that we aren’t going to continue to pay for her education after 4 years. College is her chance to decide on a career.
 
I let my kids decide on their own. My one daughter switched from psychology to English and after she graduated went onto a Masters in Oriental Medicine (which she paid for). My younger daughter majored on Accounting all four years, a decision she made on her own. My son decided not to go to college and learned a trade, which was fine with us since he was never a good student and hated school. I would not force my kids into a major. I majored in Art Education, which my parents really didn’t care for. I worked as an Art Teacher for 8 years before I decided that I liked Theology. My parents still don’t understand that decision, including my desire to keep going for advanced study (I am a perpetual student). My husband’s parents on the other hand sort of forced him to major in a specific area even though he hated it. To this day he regrets not majoring in the area he loved and that he had to work in an area he hated for so many years.
 
Is there anything you can do to talk to them and come to a compromise?

I have to tell you, growing up with a father for a doctor and a mother for nurse, one of the major things they told us when deciding to choose a career was that if we were to choose something in the medical field we needed 1) to be sure it was something we really wanted to do and had a true compassion for caring for people and 2) to not do it for the money. The hours are horrible for both doctors and nurses - especially if you do really care about what you do and are conscientious.

I know a few people who went into nursing for the money and they hated it and don’t really care that much for the patient. They can’t wait to get out of the hospital, etc. That’s not what a true healthcare worker is supposed to be about.

So, basically, if you can’t come to a compromise with your parents and you really don’t like getting into this field, I would suggest going off on your own, take out student loans and study something you really enjoy and can potentially make a living out of it.
 
I am a first generation high school graduate and a first generation college graduate. I worked my way through college and payed for everything myself. I occasionally sent money home to my parents.
My father was totally against me going to college. He felt that there was no need for a woman to be educated.:eek: He said “I wash my hands of you” when I went away to college.😦 He told me I was going to hell for disobeying him.

I think that parents should encourage their children to become what they want to be within reason. (I mean if your child can’t read, you shouldn’t encourage them to become a school teacher. I would encourage him to become a full-time coach, instead. If they have severe learning disabilities, it would be cruel to encourage them to try to become a vetranarian. I would encourage them to become an animal trainer or groomer.) I tell my daughter to become what she wants to be, but I discourage her from going into science knowing how much she hates it.
Their are several avenues in teaching that she would like to pursue. She lacks self-confidence, but I have encouraged her to go for it. 😃 I think that 5 years is plenty of time to go through college and make a logical choice about what you want to do with
your life.

To the OP, if you don’t like nursing, you can always work part-time as a nurse until you are able to pursue what you really want to do. (I have known nurses who only work weekends and made more money than school teachers with master degrees.) If you work weekends, you will have to set up a deal so they will let you attend church. 😉
 
i suspect you aren’t writing from the US? my friends in India have routinely experienced similar things with their parents. the catechism of the catholic churh says this and it is universal instruction:
2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
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2231

the catechism had already mentioned that while children live in their parents’ home, they are bound to obedience. but here, we see the Church limiting what the parents obligate their children to do.

possibly because of cultural norms, your parents have abused their financial influence on your life.

you have options

either:
continue your courses and graduate well.
obtain a job
return to school on your own financial strength for the career of your choosing

or
refuse their management and possibly loose their financial help

either way,
continue to pray with as much fervency as ever.
go to mass often

you are already doing these most important things-- even if you were happy in school, these are most important things.
 
galnextdoor:

i know you didn’t ask, but i’m gonna say it. you’re not going to hell for disobeying your father.

in fact, the catechism tells us that if an adult child does not live with them, s/he is no longer bound by obedience to their parents. adult children are bound to seek and consider their parents’ counsel, but are free to choose for themselves.

conversely, the ccc tells parents that while we are to offer judicious advice, we are not to make vocational decisions for our adult children.

i think things get tricky when adult children live away from home, but on their parents’ finances. i think then, those folks have to proceed as if they were still at home-- obediently. either that, or pay for living themselves.

adult children often want their cake, they want to eat it too, and they want the baker to come move in with them. i.e., they want their parents’ buck, and their unobstructed freedom.

parents, on the other hand, often run two extremems–overcontrolling and emotionally blackmailing OR afraid to voice any clear expectations.

best idea is what you did, GalNextDoor-- get out there and make it happen on your own.

or as other posters have mentioned, if you’re paying, you get to place reasonable perimiters. if the kid disagrees with the perimiters, then he can pay for school himself.
 
no one is telling her she can’t choose any profession she want. that is indeed her right. she does not however have the right to demand her parents pay for it.
I don’t think it’s an abuse of my parenting or “financial influence” to insist that MY money be used as I see best.
if they disagree, they are more than welcome to use their own funds.
 
rob’s wife,

i agree and i ammend my response. as i’d contuned writing and reading ccc, i come to the same conclusion that parents should only pay for higher educatin that makes sense to them.

but… when i was thinking about my friends in India, and anywhere financial aid for school is so much less available than here, i think parents should not weild their “only game in town” status quite so heftilly and compromise.
 
My father always told me that college was the greatest gift I could give to myself. He and my mom never pressured me or anything. Granted, I have to be done in less than four years (to stay in my current school, my AP credits and major allow me to do that), I have to apply for scholarships, work, etc, so they’re not paying completely but I’m OK with that. This is something I want.

I went in thinking I was going to do premed. My parents, with great foresight, knew that I wouldn’t stick with it even before I did. Before I left for school at the beginning of my freshman year, my dad sat me down and told me not to worry about being the doctor in the family, but to follow my heart. He also told me not to worry so much about job training, that you get trained at said job, they just want to see the degree.

You have to understand, my dad was poor and couldn’t go to school. He worked all his life to make sure that his children could. Education is very important in my family and they chose to help us with that, but also wanted to give us the independence to start making it on our own.

As a result, I work hard. I’m an International Studies major, applying for internships and I work as a waitress. I’m also a leader in our Catholic community and am responsible for many aspects of event planning, etc. My desire after college is to either volunteer with the Peace Corps or an international Catholic organization for a couple years, then either get my Master’s in social work or go to law school. I want to help survivors of human trafficking, child abuse, etc to get back on their feet in some way.

No, I’m not going to starve or be lazy. My major gives me a background in many things, including anthropology, sociology, economics, history, cross cultural communication, political science, research, math, etc. I also have skills in foreign language, writing, and speaking as well as leadership capabilities. I could go on to grad school, take the foreign service exam and get a job in the State Department, become a lawyer, work for the government, work for a non-profit, work in the Church etc. Jobs do exist! And if anything else, I’m a good waitress. I won’t starve in between jobs.

I told my parents I was switching my major from premed/Spanish to International Studies, that I was also thinking of Peace Corps. Their reaction? “It’s about time you came to your senses!” They could see that becoming a doctor was not meant for me, that my dream involved travel, service, and using my knowledge of languages. I wanted to get a basic understanding of how the world functions.

For the first time in my life this year, I’ve held down a job and managed to get straight A’s and make Dean’s List. I’ve taken charge of my position in my Catholic community and have used it as an opportunity to grow in character. I’ve also started exploring other opportunities and networking with people.

My dad emailed me to tell me how immensely proud of me he was. He said that it seemed I really took charge of my major, my finances, and my dreams/desired career path. He told me that I came into school a very young lady but that I was definitely maturing and that he’s proud of the woman I’m becoming.

I will always be grateful to my parents, for giving me gentle guidance, support, encouragement to start making it on my own, and most of all, for helping me to become the woman I was meant to be. I would not be anywhere today without the help of my wonderful mom and dad.

That’s all I have to say about that.
 
To OP, I am sorry for your situation. I pray that you may find something that gives you fulfillment. My grandfather wants me to be a college professor like him and I admire him and love him so part of me would be willing to take up that profession to please him but I know I cannot. He does not understand how I could make a “living” studying Theology and pursuing the priesthood but all I can do is try to explain that is what God has blessed me with having a grasp of and I will follow it. Find the areas in which God has given you skill in and pursue them if they give you happiness.

Pax Vobiscum

In Christ,
IrishDude
 
Can you take a minor or a co-major in a field you might like as well?

I wanted to study anthropology in college. My parents asked me to either co-major or minor in a more marketable field. So, I picked my 2nd favorite area for a co-major. I ended up enjoying it more.

I was very happy to have listened to their advice.
 
Parents,

Please do not force your child into a course of study.

I was forced to get a PhD. Writing my thesis, I sobbed every night, begging my father not to have to write it. And that was after 5 years of sobbing while I was doing the research.

Long story short - being forced to study this subject - and to this degree / intensity - was just cruel. It impacted so many areas of my life so terribly - parents, please don’t do this to your kids.
  • TK
 
I sensed that the OP was coming from a different cultural background.

I couldn’t imagine forcing our girls to study something that they had no interest in. What is the point of that??? Why force someone you supposedly love to study for years, and then work in an area that holds no interest, or, worse, to which they are profoundly unsuited. Health-related areas of study are not only difficult, with all the science courses, but impact the eventual patients that unhappy student will have to care for. Bad idea all around!!!

If parents are paying, then I believe they can set certain parameters; private or public university, according to finances, limited to 4 yrs., should they choose; grad school on the student’s own dime. If, after the agreed upon time there is no degree, or no job prospects due to the field of study chosen, then that is not the parents’ problem.

We simply wanted our daughters to be well educated, well rounded individuals, and prayed that they find an area of study that they loved. One pursued history and criminal justice, followed by a Master’s of Public Affairs, as her criminal justice studies educated her about the myriad reasons that people end up in the criminal justice system. She is currently assistant director of a Catholic organization that assists homeless women and their children in becoming self-sufficient within 18 months.

Our younger daughter knew from the outset that she was interested in the area of communication disorders. She has completed her undergraduate degree in that field, and is now awaiting word from grad school about a Doctor of Audiology program to which she has applied.

Neither course of study was easy, but the girls chose them on their own, based on their own interests, with our full support. Grad school for both is their own responsibility, which they fully understand (both are now married, anyway).

Certain cultures cling to a much more controlling parent/child model, well past the time when young adults should be making their own decisions. Old habits die hard, I guess.
 
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